Bridesmaids

Last Saturday, J and I went to see Bridesmaids. It was hilarious and vulgar, so different from the usual "chick flick." I really enjoyed it, but also, have not been able to stop thinking about how different I feel I am from most girls. I've beem thinking about the fact that if I got married, I wouldn't have any clue who would be MY Bridesmaids. I have been thinking about the lifelong friendships the two main characters in the movie had, and I get sad to think about the fact that I don't really have that.

All my life, I have never found myself to be a typical girl. I played with boys starting at a young age, always willing to climb trees, get my hands dirty, and skin my knees. I always had to prove that I was a tough girl, and hanging out with prissy chicks was never my cup of tea. I always had a hard time getting along with girls, and from a young age, always felt like alot of girls were in a "competition" with me. I have encountered backstabbers, fakes, and flakes. There aren't very many females who I have been able to call my "best friend" throughout my life.

I went throughout elementary school and junior high, and the first year of high school with a plethora of "best friends". I thought that everyone I shared my secrets with were my "bff"s and I could trust them all. I shared alot, but learned very quickly that most little girls were not to be trusted. I was hurt over and over and over by girls who I thought I could trust. My parents would get mad at me for all that could have been avoided if I didn't trust so easily. My dad would tell me, time and time again, that I would have many acquaintances in my life but very few real best friends. I always hoped that he would be wrong and that I would have the real best friends I had hoped for.

Come sophomore year of high school, I became friends with L. She and I were as opposite as could be. We started talking when I noticed she was wearing a Backstreet Boys shirt. I made so much fun of her. That was just the start of a great friendship. Between her and our friend S, who I had known since freshman year, the three of us were inseperable for most of the rest of high school. Wherever one was, it was easy to find one of the other two not too far behind. We had many inside jokes and spent lots of time talking crap like Mean Girls. It was the best type of friendship I could have ever asked for.

S, L, and I would have lots of talks about what we'd be like when we got older. The plan was that of the three of us, I was the one that wasn't going to get married. I always would talk about having many houses, cars and lovers, with no children or a husband to hold me back. L was going to get married and a ton of kids, while S was going to have a husband who would have to beg her to even have sex with him. We were all so different from one another.

After high school, the three of us split. L moved to San Diego to go to art school, S went to FIDM and I went to Cal State Fullerton. Of the three of us, I was the first to get a boyfriend. I was also the first to get pregnant. While we still kept in touch with L, we mainly saw her while she was here visiting her parents for the holidays. S and I got a little bit closer during my emotional roller coaster of a pregnancy, as she was going through the emotional turmoil of her parents' divorce. We were there for each other, getting through the tough times together and L was also there for support as well, even though she was 2 hours away.

S and L went to Vegas together to celebrate their 21st birthdays and had a falling out while they were there. 6 1/2 years later, I'm not even sure what the heck happened, but they have not spoken to one another since. I was still able to keep in touch with both of them, being in the middle of whatever went on between them. I would see S more frequently than I would see L, as she only lived one hour away compared to the two that it takes to get to San Diego. S and I would talk and text quite frequently, while L and I mainly kept in touch via email, im, and the occasional phone call or text, making it a point to share what was going on in our lives during the past 10 years.

L and I haven't seen each other all too often during the past 10 years, but just like the air we breathe, I don't need to see her to know she is there. As busy as she has been with her career, she has always made it a point to be there for me when I really needed someone to talk to. She has grown tremendously from that Backstreet Boy lovin tee shirt girl to an amazing career woman who I admire. J and I recently went down to San Diego to see L get married. It was a day that made me so happy to be there for, and I was glad she shared her special moment with me. It was awesome to see that the girl who talked about all the things she wanted when she "grew up" was accomplishing the items on her checklist, one at a time. I am so appreciative of the fact that while we may not be the best of friends, she is still someone I could still call my friend.

S went on to become a wife and a mommy about 5 years ago, finding herself pregnant at the same time I was pregnant with Hope. It was a bumpy ride through our pregnancies, as she stopped talking to me when she found out I was going to place her for adoption. I was disappointed that my friend was not there for me while I made this tough decision and that she would not allow me to be there for her to celebrate the baby she was expecting. Thanks to an invitation to her baby shower, we were able to make up and get through the last few weeks of pregnancies as friends. Her son and Hope are exactly 4 weeks apart.

Since then, S and I would see each other from time to time, making it a point to be there for one another at important events: C's birthday parties and preschool graduation, her bridal shower and family events. We would go to lunch and dinner together from time to time, always sharing whatever exciting, or sad news was going on in our lives. She always made it a point to call me or text me on Hope's birthday, saying she had it circled on her calendar every year as a reminder of me.

I always thought that I would be friends with the girls forever, even if they weren't friends with each other. I wish I could say I knew what happened next, but I don't. About a year ago, S and I stopped talking. I can't pinpoint why or how, but we did, and it still disappoints me. She was the closest thing I had to a best friend in my life, and all of a sudden, that friendship was gone. It's been tough to grieve that loss, because I don't know what happened to it in the first place. Till this day, it still bothers me to wonder what happened, but I just don't have the courage to ask her.

Since high school, I have many amazing people come in and out of my life. Whether they have been acquaintances or actual friends, classmates or coworkers, I don't think I have been able to put a label of best friend on anyone, except for J. The closest I have to a female best friend is about a 6 hour drive in Utah, as D is probably the ONLY person I can tell EVERYTHING to knowing I won't be judged or ridiculed. Just as when I was younger, it has been so much easier to befriend boys than girls. In the past few years I have grown pretty close to the boys who I consider to be the brothers I never had, but even then, those friendships have changed now that I'm in a relationship where partying and drinking just isn't that important to me.

Will I ever have a group of friends like the chicks in Bridesmaids or Sex and the City, the kind of friends who I can count on to come over with a tub of ice cream and trashy magazines on a blah day? Probably not, especially now at 28 when it's alot harder to build those types of friendships. Do I appreciate the friendships I do have with some of the strong, independent women who have proven to be that they have a place in my heart (most of which are reading this blog right now)? Yes, very much so, because whether they think so, each one has taught me a new lesson in life. So I guess I should stop worrying about the bridesmaids issue for my non-existent wedding and instead focus on the friendships I have with the people I will invite to witness my wedding instead ;)

Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

It has been 3 1/2 days since I last saw J. The last time I saw him was Saturday, when he and I went to the movies after C's soccer game. Sadly, the next time I will see him will be Friday afternoon - I HOPE! This is probably the longest we have ever gone in our whole relationship without seeing each other.

I realized today how much I miss him. I mean, i've known all along how much I miss him, but today it really hit me how much. I'm so used to seeing him multiple times a week, and so just the thought of going 5 1/2 days without each other is tough. I'm pretty bummed out and super grumpy about this change. Before J started school, I had a feeling it would be like this, but I didn't think it would be this difficult for me.

With J having started the program, he is inundated with assignments that he needs to work on. That and the financial strain of the cost of his education on top of his regular expenses has made it difficult to come out and see me like he would. I completely understand the situation, and wish that there was something I could do to change it. But at the moment, there isn't.

One of the things J always makes fun of is that I think alot. I overthink and over analyze and think of worst case scenarios. I'm a nut, I know, but I can't help it. Its one of my flaws. I have come to the realization that during the past nearly 6 months, the burden of seeing each other has fallen on his shoulders since I don't have a car. We don't live very close to each other (25 miles between our houses) and yet he manages to pick me up and take me out to wherever we go. Granted it was like this in the old days of dating, where men courted women, I don't like that this has been his role. I feel helpless and stuck. I wish I had a car so that I could come to him when need be, and the burden could be shared between the both of us. Unfortunately, it's not an option at the moment.

I think what has really made me miss him more is that lately, I have been seeing quite a few blogs and articles containg engagement and wedding pictures. I have always enjoyed living vicariously through those pictures, probably because I always felt like I would never be so lucky. Never in my life have I wanted to be in my own set of pictures like I do with him. I think about all the possibilities for engagement photos and wedding locations. I'm a dork.. which is funny because never in my life have I thought about those things for myself.

Nearly 6 months into our relationship, I KNOW deep in my heart that J is the one for me. I know that I cannot go a day without hearing from him through text, im, or phone call. I know that he is the one who makes me smile and laugh when I'm having a blah day. He is the one who gives me strength when I feel like giving up. He motivates me to be the best person I could be, in all aspects of my life. I love who I am when I am with him, and I love the way he makes me feel. More importantly, I love that C is so comfortable around him, and I appreciate how protected he feels when we are with him. I can't imagine what my life would have been like without him in it. He truly inspires me to do the best I can because the end result is spending the rest of our lives together, and I want nothing more than that.

I never imagined my life wanting to wake up next to the same person everyday. I never thought about sharing a home and a family with someone. I never desired the things that I desire with him. Here I am, the girl who swore up and down growing up that I would never get married or have children, being a mom and hoping to one day be a wife... not just any wife, HIS WIFE.

Oh wow, that was just weird to say out loud. lol

It's almost amazing what a few days apart will make you realize. It has made me realize that J has taught me how to love whole heartedly. Little by little, he is teaching me that it's ok to trust and let go of all that I have held onto from my past. He is truly the sunshine on my dark and cloudy days. While I can't predict the future, and I know that the road ahead of us will be tough, I really hope that this relationship works out in a way that we both want it to. I am slowly learning to take life as it comes without having to overanalyze everything, and to be ok with opening up completely to him. I have to learn that if for some reason it doesn't work, then I take what I learned from him and US and apply it to the rest of my life. BUT, I doubt we won't work out, we're just way too awesome together...

Sisters

I have always learned that you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family. I always thought that sounded so cliche, but the older I get the more I believe it. Sadly, after 28 years, I am stuck with the family I have been given and nothing aside from creating my own will change that.

I have two sisters, E and D. Between E and I is 4 years, and between D and I is a 7 year age gap. All three of us are as different as night and day. I'd like to say that despite our differences, we are as close as can be... but then I would be lying. I don't know when this rivalry between us sisters began, but it has been there since the beginning and it doesn't look like there will be an end in sight.

The girls and I have never gotten along. Verbal, physical, emotional fighting has always gone on in this house between us three. For years and years my parents would talk about how much it hurt them to see the way we fought and told us time and time again that we needed to stick together because if something happened to them, we would only have each other. It was always the same thing over and over again for years, and it only got worse after I gave birth to C.

Mom and dad would baby the girls, doing anything and everything they could for them. The moment they found out about my pregnancy with C, they went into a rage. Being called a whore and a slut was a common occurrence. They hated that it was no longer about them, but rather about this new baby that was about to come into our family. They were always mean to me, but did their best to be the best aunts possible to C.

After I had Hope, things in our household escalated. Granted I kept my pregnancy a secret all 9 months for the fear of what they would say or do to me (I was more afraid of my sisters' torment than my parents' disappointment), no one in our family took into consideration that I made a sacrifice of a lifetime for the benefit of everyone in this household. I thought about how the birth of another child would would affect each and every person in this family before I thought about how the adoption would affect myself. While I didn't consult with the family, I did what was best for Hope, C and the rest of my family. I never once thought about what kind of emptiness I would be left with. I didn't need to, I knew this was the best choice for everyone involved. It was the first adult decision I made on my own that I didn't regret.

If only I knew how bad things would get after placement. It started when I was in the hospital recuperating from having given birth. My mother made it a point to call me and mention that my youngest sister said she no longer had "anyone to look up to". I knew that was the beginning of what I have basically called hell. Not only did I have to deal with the disappointment and misunderstanding of my decision to place my daughter into the hands of another family from my parents, I've had to endure the emotional abuse from my sisters. It has been the most disheartening thing to deal with and one of the things that has slowly killed me till this day, 5 1/2 years later.

I have been called every name in the book by my own sisters. I have been thrown under the bus plenty of times by them. I have trusted them with my secrets and problems just to have them talked about to my parents, or their boyfriends and friends. They have blamed me for every problem in their lives and have used me as a scapegoat and excuse for "ruining" their lives and our family. I have been called good for nothing and a "loser older sister". I have heard plenty of times over and over that they "never want to be like" me. They made me seem like a horrible person, when in reality I am not. Instead of being happy for me when good things happen in my life, they find ways to bring me down, accusing me of thinking I'm better than them or minimizing my accomplishments so that they don't seem like anything big. They have never wished me a Happy Mother's Day, citing that I'm not a "real" mom because I "give away" my babies and let my parents help me take care of my son. It's been one thing after another of painful stabs to my heart from the girls I am supposed to call my SISTERS.

I could sit here and write for days about all the things my siblings do and don't do that really make me angry. I could talk for days about the lack of a drive to succeed in life, being content with living off of mommy and daddy for the rest of their lives and having the expectation of that being what my parents are here for. I could write about how self-centered, judgemental and hypocritical these girls are and how that is probably why they have no friends other than "Facebook friends" and their boyfriends. I could call them the ugliest girls in the world (on the inside), but I won't stoop to that level because after all, I AM better than them.

I work hard for everything I have. I strive for success and a better life. I have a happy and healthy relationship and am content with the decisions I have made that have gotten me to where I am at in my life, always doing my best to improve my life, through work, school, etc. I have come to the conclusion that I will never have a relationship with these girls like most sisters have with each other. I will never be able to call them when I have good news, or bad news. I will never have them over to share a dinner or holidays with my family. I will never be close to them and while it breaks my heart, it is something I am going to have to accept. If it hasn't changed in the past 24 years, it won't change any time soon. I pray to God that they will one day see the damage they have done and realize how their behavior has really ruined a relationship they will never get back. Hopefully by then, it's not too late....

Trust

"You may be deceived if you trust too much,

But you will live in torment if you do not trust enough"

~ Frank Crane

Never has a quote it in perfectly with what I feel at the moment. My constant thoughts and worry seem to be getting the best of me and I find myself to be greatly tormented by my lack of trust in my relationship.

In the past 5 1/2 months I have been dating J, never have I found myself to be so in love with someone the way I am in love with him. Never have I imagined a future with anyone the way I do with him. Never have I wanted more for myself the way I want it with him. It's a great, yet scary feeling. I have opened up myself in a way that has made me extremely vulnerable and easy to hurt. I don't ever want to hurt the way I have in the past. My heart simply cannot take that sort of pain after all I have been through in my life.

Why am I so worried about this? Why can't I just trust in him and in God that this will work out the way I want it to? Why is it so hard to let go of my insecurities and have a just take it as it comes approach to life? It would be so much easier to be carefree and not worry about something I cannot control. Unfortunately, that's not in my nature. I am constantly finding myself fighting with the voice in the back of my head that is telling me to be careful. I don't want to be careful, but I do. It's definitely a battle.

My stomach hurts with anxiety, and I am making myself go crazy with thoughts of worst case scenarios. I've been told that me not trusting him will make him do the very thing I'm scared of him doing. I find that it's not that I don't trust him, because I do, or else I wouldn't be in a relationship with him. I think it's the fact that I don't trust the fact that something good could actually happen to me, because they never have.

I look back at the people I have trusted in my life: friends, family, exes. I have been hurt and deceived by so many people. I find it so hard to believe that anyone could care about me like I care about them. I find it hard to fathom someone loving me as much as I love them. I struggle with the thought that there are actually good people in the world who won't hurt me, because I have yet to come across very many of those types of people in my life, even in my own immediate family.

I tell J all the time that I am damaged goods. I have been through so much in my life and I wish I could let go of all the pain I have been through in my past that has made me the way that I am. I wish I could start fresh and be brand new, but the truth is that my heart comes with battle scars and plenty of wounds. I wish more than anything that I could let go of all the pain I have felt in my life because I know it is a huge factor in what still keeps weighing me down. 

I am trying my hardest to believe in J and the fact that he is truly different than anyone I have ever met, which is why I am so in love with him. I am doing the best that I can to recognize that the issue is within me, and not in him. In all actuality, he has done as much as he can to show me that I can trust him, but it is still scary to completely put 100% of my trust in him. There is still a lot about him that I don't know and that's obvious, because it has really only been 5 months since we first started dating. I think about how much faith I have in US, but I am scared as hell that the moment I completely let my guard down, I will get hurt.

I can't stop the tears from falling from my eyes, as I sit here and wonder if I will ever allow the walls that have been built over the past 28 years to come down. I don't want to be so scared and vulnerable all the time because it isn't a good feeling. It's going to take a lot of work on my part for that change to happen, and I don't know how long it will be before I can believe that I won't get hurt. I just hope I don't lose a great guy in the process of it all....

Facing Fears

"The key to change… is to let go of fear.” –Rosanne Cash

I've been doing quite a bit of thinking lately. I've been so focused on the inevitable change we're about to face now that J is about to start school. I've been so caught up in his life that I haven't focused on mine. Why should he go on to make things happen for himself and me not do the same? Why would he want someone with no drive to succeed in her life? I'm smart and am filled with determination to make something out of myself.... or was that all talk?

This semester, I registered for a full load of classes, boasting about how I really didn't have too many left to do so that I could transfer. On top of a full time job, full time child, and full time boyfriend, I thought I would be brave and add a full course schedule. Oh how I was so ridiculously wrong. After a few weeks of going full speed, I crashed... and burned. I ended up so completely overwhelmed, I had to drop classes because I was so behind. This made me feel like such a failure. I did so well last semester and was so proud of myself, and this completely ruined my self-esteem. It's no wonder I have been so scared of the change we are about to face. I didn't want to be left with nothing to be proud of for myself.

The day of C's First Communion, my aunt and I had a talk about school. She was telling me I needed to hurry up and get out of the community college. She said I needed to transfer and move on with my life already. I knew it needed to be done, but it was a wake up call resonating in the back of my mind this past week and a half. That mixed with the fact that J started school on Saturday and the thought of wanting to move forward with my life and be someone C (and Hope) could be proud of got the wheels in this head of mine spinning.

I had to stop being afraid of change. I needed to take a step forward with my future and make my life different than what it currently is. I needed to just get up and say "F*@! IT" and do what I gotta do to get ahead.

Today, I put my fears aside and took a step forward with my life. I applied for Capella University, an online college a friend of mine recently obtained a Masters degree from. I got all the information necessary and decided it would be a great fit for me and my busy lifestyle. My goal will be to obtain a Bachelors in Arts in Public Service with a focus in Criminal Justice, my original major that I chose to pursue right out of high school. I figured that since Capella doesn't offer a Social Work program, I could finish off the Criminal Justice degree and get my Masters in Social Work when I am done. My projected end date, if all my classes transfer, is 2 to 2.5 year from now and I'll have a Bachelors degree in my possession. Whoa... talk about a change, right?

I'm a little overwhelmed with this decision. It was a big decision to make on my own. I consulted with J to get his opinion on my decision, especially because this means I will incur some debt in student loans. He totally supported my choice and said whatever debt I take on from this we will deal with (he also joked that he would pimp me out to pay for both of our student loans). With that, I made the move and spoke with an enrollment counselor and next thing I knew, I was going through the application process. Next step is financial aid.

Omg!

I'm actually doing this. If all goes well, I will be starting school on July 11th. Do I even believe this is happening? Not yet. At least not until I have confirmation that this is really going to happen. I am excited and nervous, but so thankful to finally be able to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I am determined to complete this with success, moreso because I have so many more things I would like to accomplish with my life.

I'm not planning on telling anyone other than whoever is reading this blog about this step in my life. I plan on letting people believe I am going to community college to obtain my Associates and slapping them in the face with the diploma that says I'm ready for the next step. My goal is to prove to everyone who thought I would always be a failure wrong and show them, as well as myself and my children that the mistakes I have made in my life shouldn't have had to determine what my future would be like. So yay me, for taking a chance and making a change. It won't be an easy road ahead, but getting to my destination will be worth so it in the end.

Scared of Change

"It is not the strongest
of the species that survive,
nor the most intelligent,
but the one most responsive to change."

CHANGE....

ugh, I HATE that word. I hate that in life, it is inevitable. I hate that it could mean so many things. It could be good. It could be bad. It could be anything.

In this case, change means that J is on his way to embarking on a new endeavor. One that will open many doors and possibilities, and will bring him a better future. In about 8 hours, he will be attending orientation for the program he will be going to school for for the next 18 months. In addition to his three 24 hour shifts at work (Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday), he will be adding a discussion board on Monday, an online class on Wednesday and an all day class till 4:00pm on Saturdays. He will definitely be busy.

I just got home from spending the latter part of my day with him. We literally spent 10 hours of our time together, really enjoying each other's company. We cuddled and talked and napped, truly indulging in each other's presence, but in the midst of it all, in the back of my mind, I was worried. What am I so worried about? I should be a happy, loving and supportive girlfriend, appreciative of every moment spent together. There's no reason to be worried... or is there?

As it is, J and I don't have very much time together. I am stuck working an 8-5 job most of the week (except for Friday when I get off at 2pm). He's working 7am-7am 24 hour shifts starting Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday mornings. That leaves us with some Mondays after I get off of work to hit the gym together, Wednesdays to hang out or go to the gym, and Fridays and Saturdays to enjoy each other's company (thats if he doesn't switch shifts at work). Well, that's all obviously going to change. Internally, I'm freaking out about it.

I know that while it is entirely selfish, and I honestly hate feeling the insecurities of worrying about the inevitable change that is bound to happen in our relationship. I understand that he will need my support now, more than ever, to get through the next 18 months of hard work and dedication to succeeding through this program and a new career. I know that I shouldn't worry because I trust him and know that he's not only doing this for himself, but for me and our future together as well. It's just scary to not know what's going to come. It's scary to think of so many things that could go wrong. It's awful to think of all the scenarios that play out in the back of my mind of things that could go wrong, even if I do my job to be the best girlfriend I could be. I have faith in our relationship, that we are stronger in 5 months more than some couples are in 5 years.

It's scary when I think about all I have witnessed in life. I have seen all too often where a woman supports a man through schooling, or training, or something that will better his life. She is usually a strong woman who makes whatever sacrifices she can to be the rock for her man in his time of need. In many instances, I have seen where the guy has gotten through it and dropped his rock at the end of it all, for someone better, thinner, prettier, younger, or someone he has gone to school or training with, because she "understands".

I went into this relationship knowing that J wanted to better his life and career. It wasn't something that was just sprung up on me all of a sudden. It is one of the factors that made me fall in love with him. His strong desire to succeed and have more in life. He is goal driven and inspired to be someone more than what he is today, and I love that so much about him. I have to keep reminding myself that J is in fact different than anyone I have ever let into my life, let alone my heart. He is someone who I know won't let me down, and we will get through this change in our lives together. I need to remind myself to stop being selfish, and use this time away from each other to better myself, because no man, including my own, will want a future with someone who isn't as driven and motivated to succeed as he is.

The time spent away from one another will definitely suck. The change will definitely not be an easy one. As scared as I am of it all, the time is here for it to happen and I have to let go of all my insecurities and be the best "rock" I can be for J. I know it will be a long road ahead of us, but we will make it through. At least I hope we will....

Getting Through

It's FINALLY Monday! I made it through and survived another Mothers Day. It took a lot of tears to get here, but it is over and done with for another year. Yay, for crossing another Hope-less Mother's Day off of the calender.

Getting out of bed yesterday was pretty rough. I woke up and the immense weight of the day and its meaning to me held me down. I didn't want to get up and do anything. I figured that if I hid out under my covers, the day would pass in an instant and Monday would come quicker. Yeah, not so much. Yesterday seemed like the longest day of the year to me.

Regardless of how much I miss Hope, I am still C's mom. Spending the day hibernating doesn't dismiss me of my motherly duties. I had no choice but to get out of bed, especially to go to church with him and mom. It took some struggle, but I got dressed and went to mass. I had to, especially since he had just done his First Communion the day before. I was so thankful that it wasn't such a Mothers Day focused mass and I was able to escape without getting watery eyes.

After getting through church, mom wanted to pick up stuff so we could barbecue at home. I felt like a zombie as we walked through Costco. It was the weirdest feeling to be walking around with my head up in the clouds. What was I thinking about? I have NO idea, but mentally, I wasn't there. We couldn't have finished shopping any quicker. The moment we got home was the worst. I went to my room and cried and cried and cried until I had no more tears left in me. It was the worst when my mom came in to check on me and tell me that she wanted me to spend time with the family, She saw that I was crying and asked what was wrong, and I started sobbing uncontrollably. She knew exactly what was wrong, and said, as nicely as possible, that she knows it's Mother's Day and that I am sad, but that I have to celebrate being the mother of the child I do have. She couldn't be more right, but I didn't want him to see me so sad. I wiped my tears and washed my face and went to spend time with the family. We had dinner and soon afterwards, I felt sick to my stomach. I couldn't stop throwing up after dinner. It was the first time my emotions made me physically sick.

Through all of this, all the anger I felt I took out on J. I was angry that he wasn't with me to save me from the pain I felt. I was mad that he had no clue as to what I was going through. I guess I was expecting him to be my prince charming and save me from such despair. I was a bitch through text. I was irritated that he didn't call me and just texted me. Everything bothered me and I took out all the anger and frustrations I had on him, which totally wasn't fair to him. Through a few mean texts, and a moment where I hung up on him, he sent me this text (which I hope he's ok with me sharing):

"If I could write a blog about dating a single mom and a Bm it would go like this ....Being in a relationship with a single mom and Bm has its challenges. There is no book out for me to deal with a single mother nor is there a book dealing with a Bm ...being selfish is out the window, something that I have done in the past. Knowing that there will alwAys be someone that comes before you is something I have learned to adjust to...I have asked myself at times if I'm ready to be with a single mother. Unlike other single mothers, M has no baby daddy drama which makes me love her more. Yes, lil C has been raised all alone with one person playing mom and dad, and with help of her parents she makes it. I see the struggle she endures on a daily bases, a lot of which I don't think many people could deal with. All I can say or do is promise her things will get better... That is just one aspect I have to deal with. M is also a bm. Birthmom is something I have never heard of until I met M. This aspect of her life is really a struggle bc I don't have anyone to ask for guidance on how to deal with my love crying and the hot and cold mood changes ...I don't know if I'm saying the right things or the right things that should be said ...all I can hope for is that in time I can be and deal with her better ...."

Needless to say I was in tears when I read this. I'm even in tears now I as I share this. It's amazing that after 5 months I know that J is the one person I can't see my life without. I haven't been the nicest person to him and he still managed to show me how much he cares about me. Underneath his manly gorilla ways, he has a soft heart and is sensitive to my needs, even if his response isn't immediately what I want. I have to remember that this is new to him and to most anyone else who isn't a birthmom, and I can't expect everyone to understand. I am thankful that he acknowledged not understanding and promised that it won't be like this next time around. I felt relief in knowing that he planned on there being for a next time around :)

All in all, I got through one of the most dreaded days of the year and I am determined to go back to normal. Actually, I almost feel normal this morning as I get my day started. I have nothing but gratefulness for the amazing love and support I have from the people who matter most. I am happy to know that while a piece of my heart will always be missing, the rest of my heart is filled to the brim with love and affection from the people who truly love and care about me. I really am a very lucky girl.

It's Mother's Day

"She never quite leaves her children at home, even when she doesn't take them along."
  ~Margaret Culkin Banning

Today is Mother's Day. ::insert deep, heavy sigh here::

I woke up a couple of hours ago to text messages from friends, and even J's family, wishing me a Happy Mother's Day. I was given a handmade pencil holder by C, and a single red rose from my dad. While I am so thankful for the wonderful well meaning wishes from people (because after all, I AM a mother), I am also reminded of the piece of motherhood I am missing out on.

Yesterday was Birthmother's Day. It was also C's First Communion. Since I got off of work at 2pm on Friday, I had been on the go, go, go of last minute preparation for his special day. Last minute shopping, cleaning, etc. had kept me busy till 3:30am Saturday morning. Wake up time was 6am, because we had to be at his school by 7:30 for pictures, and the ceremony was to start at 9am. We had reservations for breakfast at 10:30 for our group of 15. It was nice to be able to celebrate C's accomplishment with family and J by my side.

After breakfast, everyone came to our house and stayed... all day. It was a long day, being run on only 2.5 hours of sleep. It was well worth it, though, to see such a smile on C's face. It also was nice to give J and my family the opportunity to get to know one another. I felt bad because he was exhausted since he had just come off of a 48 hour shift, but I didn't want him to leave. I knew that the moment he left would be the moment I'd feel the weight of the underlying meaning of the day. Having him around provided me with the escape from the thoughts that suffocate me.

The moment J left, I wanted him to come back and stay by my side and not stop holding me. But, that only happens in fairy tales. I was disappointed in the fact that he knew that the day was Birthmother's Day (he has been reading this blog), and he knew how emotional I was about it, and not once did he mention it until I text him on his way home and told him how disappointed I was about it. Granted, I understand it may be hard to figure out what to say to someone. I don't know if I'd really wish someone a HAPPY Birthmother's Day because, honestly, its not something I'm entirely happy about. But still, I wish he would've just acknowledged it.

I wish anyone other than my fellow birthmothers would've acknowledged it. But I guess that's such a far fetched idea because its not a widely known day.

Today is a new day, and I didn't think it would phase me, as I had gotten through Birthmother's Day and today is Mother's Day. Today is the day to celebrate me being C's mama, and my mama, and every other mom in the world. But just because it's Mother's Day, doesn't mean I can stop thinking about the fact that in my heart, I am also Hope's mama.

It's the hardest thing to explain, even to someone who probably understands. I am a mom. I have woken up in the middle of the night when C has been sick or couldn't sleep or needed a drink of water. I have stood by his side at doctor's appointments for shots, or when he needed breathing treatments, and checkups. I love him with all of my heart, making every sacrifice I can to ensure he has the best life I could possibly give him. He is my everything, and the main motivating factor for me to never give up, even in the shadows of my darkest days. Sadly, though, I feel like I am not 100% the best mom ever, and I feel that its because a piece of my heart is somewhere else.

The missing piece of my heart belongs to the little girl who grew in my tummy for 9 months. The one who I would feel kicking inside of me, growing and growing till my tummy (and every other part of me) was huge. She's the little girl who I gave birth to and held in my arms and promised a better life for. The one who I told was blessed with two guardian angels, instead of one like everyone else. She's the angel who I placed in the hands of another woman so that she could call her "mom" from that day forward. She is the little girl I think about every day of my life for the past 5 1/2 years. The one who I daydream about meeting again one day. She is the ray of sunshine in my life who I have no guarantee of meeting in the future, but who I hope knows that I did what I did out of love.

I am hoping to get out all the tears before I continue on with my day, but I highly doubt it. I can't stop crying, and so badly want the day to be over with. But in the words of C yesterday, "Today is my day, and tomorrow is yours and grandma's day". I have to be strong for him, because it is my day to celebrate the past 8 years of holding the best job title God could have ever given me.

Blah

I've never had a word describe my feelings as good as "Blah" can. The constant up and down, hot and cold has been pretty awful. I hate this roller coaster, and want off of it. I just want to go back to normal, and I am hoping that once Mother's Day passes, I will be back to being the happy, positive chick I've always been.

There's been a lot of stuff brewing inside my head and sometimes, I just want to shut it all off. I so desperately wanted to stay home, under the covers this morning, but that wasn't possible. I wanted just one day of solitude, to actually cry and let the emotions out in hopes that it will make me feel better. Soooooooo much for that because I am currently writing this blog from work.

On Wednesday, J and I celebrated 5 months of dating with a nice dinner at a local resort. It was the perfect evening, allowing us to enjoy each other's company in the warmth of spring. I really make it a point to try and enjoy every moment spent together, because in all actuality, we don't have much time for each other. It was a nice moment of relaxation and indulgence of good drinks, decent food, and amazing company. I wish the whole night could've lasted longer than just a couple of hours, because being in his arms is where I always feel the safest.

I feel like this whole week, I've been having to kick myself in the butt to do things. To get work done, to act like I'm interested in things. I find that deep down, I'm slightly bitter and angry. On Wednesday night, I had a dream that I had killed some random person who broke into my house. It was the oddest dream ever, and it really bothered me to have such morbid thoughts. I researched dream meanings and read that those type of dreams indicate suppressed anger and frustrations with situations that cannot be changed. I guess, in this case, it was my subconscious, surfacing anger within me that I haven't verbally voiced. Just what is it that I am so angry about?

I think a big part of the anger I have inside of me is towards my family. I KNOW that's where a large part of my anger is directed towards. Case in point: Tomorrow is C's First Holy Communion. In my opinion, it's supposed to be a special day for him. Something for him to always remember. With alot of things going on in our extended family (news of family members being really, really sick), my parents didn't want to have anything at home. I was trying to think of things we could do that would be fun and memorable for C. I decided we'd go to one of the local pizza places that have games that he could play. C really enjoyed that idea.

Yesterday, my dad came home and said he made reservations at a Mexican restaurant for after church on Saturday. I was speechless. I am his MOTHER. Why didn't anyone consult me before doing so? What was I supposed to say now? "Cancel your reservations, I don't want to go there"? I understand that he didn't have any ill-intentions, but at the same time, I don't think he understood that he was overstepping his boundaries. J got on my case for not opening my mouth and putting my foot down, but I know my family and know that they are quick to jump on my case and address my faults when I stand up for myself and contest something they do or say, especially regarding my son. It's an awful situation to be in and I hate it. Unfortunately, though, that's the story of my life when it comes to my family.

Today, I am feeling worse off than I did yesterday. J is stuck working a 48-hour shift which means our usual Friday ritual is broken, which really sucks when I miss him so much. Also, I am overwhelmed with a long to-do list of things that need to be done for tomorrow. On top of that, I am pretty emotional, and it isn't taking much to set me off into a teary-eyed mess. I wanted to call off of work today, and J gave me a hard time about it. He has a valid point as to why, but at the same time, I felt frustrated with the fact that he wasn't in my shoes. It's not like I have a car to get to places to do what needs to get done. I don't have anyone really helping me. But such is life, and I'll figure out a way to get through it and have all the items on my list checked off by tonight.

"Tough times never last, but tough people do."  

- Robert H. Schuller

I keep telling myself that it's only a few more days ahead of me that I have to get through. I am reminding myself that tomorrow is a day of celebration of accomplishment in C's life. I have got to be strong and put a smile on my face, even if I feel "blah" on the inside, if not for myself, for C. I know I will get through it, but it's always tough when I feel alone with my thoughts and feelings. One hour at a time, I guess. I just hope I don't kill anyone between now and then.

Hot & Cold

Today is the kind of day that makes you think about how awesome it is to live in Southern California. It's 90 degrees outside, sunny, clear and beautiful. It's the kind of day that has me wishing I wasn't stuck at work, and instead out running through the sprinklers in my bathing suit, like when we were kids.

I miss being a kid...

It's so easy to be a kid. The biggest responsibility is making sure homework gets done and there are good grades on the report card. There is Christmas break, and spring break and summer vacation. There is the expectation of learning and having fun, and laughter is the constant sound out of a happy child's mouth. There are no worries about bills or relationships, or about what the next step in life may be. It was super easy.

Sometimes I wish I could go back, but I'm sure we all wish for that from time to time.

Like the always changing weather, I have been in a hot & cold kind of mood lately. Keeping busy all weekened had helped keep my moods under control a little bit, but I seem to be having a hard time when I'm not super busy. I find that my thoughts race, and I am constantly thinking about things I have no control over. Alot of "What ifs" and "I should have..." But like dad would always say, shoulda, woulda coulda, but didn't, and there's nothing I can do to change the past. What's done is done.

I find myself stressing over alot of things, such as how am I going to pay for C's tuition? When am I ever going to be able to afford a car of my own? When will life stop being about struggling each week until the next pay check? When can I move out on my own? When will the transition from being a kid to an adult actually happen for me, because I surely don't feel like the adult I thought I would be at this age. I feel so down about the decisions I have made that have gotten me to where I'm at in my life. I always thought I'd be more advanced and in a way better place. Instead, I am working at a non-profit that doesn't pay as much as I wish it would pay; I live at home with my parents; I'm a single mom who is struggling to give her child the basic necessities; I'm not even done with school yet. I am so afraid I won't be able to get out of this rut and continue to be a nobody for the rest of my life.

Buuuutttt.... I can't keep worrying about what happened yesterday, or what's gonna happen tomorrow... I gotta keep living for today. Its just so much easier said than done...

 I gotta learn how to shut off this hot & cold I have inside of me. I have to decide if I'm going to put on a happy face or a sad one, because I feel so bipolar right now. One minute things are good and the next I'm raging and taking out my anger on the people closest to me. I'm sure alot of it has to do with the fact that Mother's Day and Birthmother's Day is literally right around the corner. Once again, its those crazy emotions that just can't seem to control themselves.

Today is 5 months since J and I went on our first date. These have been 5 of the best months of my life. I have never been so thankful to have such an amazing support system. He is truly my strength on my weakest days, and I forgot what life was like before he came into the picture. I'm looking foroward to the date that I have planned for us later on. Hopefully this hot & cold feeling will disappear, for at least a little while

Birthmother's Weekend

For the past few weeks leading up to this weekend, I have been very emotional and withdrawn. It's been a battle to get through the days without crying. I've been sad about Mother's Day and even more sad about the fact that I was not making it to Charlotte, NC this year for the birthmother retreat from BMB. I didn't ever think that not going would affect me so much, but it did. Tremendously.

The one thing I have truly become so thankful for these past few days is that I am so lucky to have a boyfriend like J. He is is so amazing to me, and I have no words to describe his patience and willingness to accept me as I am, damaged goods and all. He is truly my prince charming, and someone I can't imagine my life without, especially when it comes to dealing with an emotional wreck such as myself. He has shown me what a real man is by being the arms to run to and the shoulder to cry on. He is the greatest gift, aside from my children, that God could have ever given me. He is truly the sunshine on my darkest days and is the best at trying to understand me when I could barely understand myself.

I found that the key to getting through times like these is keeping busy, because essentially, it keeps me off of facebook, which only makes me see more of what I am missing out on. Thankfully, I was able to keep busy all weekend, and I didn't get on FB that often. Despite a breakdown on Thursday night that made me want to hide under my covers and sleep through the next few days, I made it through and survived the weekend.

On Friday, I woke up dreading work. I felt so drained, and wanted to be anywhere but at work. I kept thinking about Charlotte, and how I wasn't there when I shoulda been there. I was thinking about the things I'd be doing if I was there and who I'd be spending time with. But instead, I was stuck working, which now that I think of it, was probably the best thing to me. Despite irritations with coworkers and a lack of patience on my part, I made it through the day and treated myself to a deluxe pedicure after work. I was able to spend a couple of hours with J, doing a little bit of shopping and a whole lot of crying. I was snappy, and short, and angry, and constantly had a hot/cold temperament. I really felt as though my emotions were uncontrollable, and I wished that I cold step outside my body, grab and shake myself to snap out of it, but I couldn't. I really wasn't myself, and I definitely showed my boyfriend a side of me he has never seen. When it came time to say goodbye, I didn't want to let him leave, because I felt like I just needed him. That day was probably one of the hardest times to see him drive off.

That night, I went out with my friend. I was bummed out that J decided not to go with us, but had been looking forward to spending some time with one of my main girl friends. Although I still wasn't much of myself, I tried to enjoy my night as much as I could. It was my opportunity to not think about the stuff that has clouded my mind. I'm thankful to have such a great friend to talk to and laugh with, who I could be myself and not worry about being judged.

The next day, after a rough morning, I was able to pick myself up enough to spend some time with J. He picked me up with flowers and a card in hand. I read the card and cried. It was the sweetest card anyone has ever given me. It read:

I know things aren't easy for you right now...

You may be wondering how you're going to deal with everything that's facing you.

But I know you -

you have a strong spirit -

and even though it might be hard for you to believe,

I know you have what it takes to get through this time.

And if you ever need to talk or if you'd like the support of a friend,

I'll always be here with open arms, a listening ear, and a loving shoulder to lean on.

And most important,

I'm here to remind you....

as often as you need...

that things are going to be okay.



That was the first time in a long time that I felt comforted to know that I truly am not alone in this. While he may not ever understand the feelings I endure as I miss my baby, he does the very best he possibly could to offer me the love and support as a boyfriend. He has done the most amazing job ever, and it made me cry to know that I have such a wonderful man by my side. I was practically speechless, and anyone who knows me knows what a huge feat that is.

J and I decided to have drinks and appetizers while trying to decide what we were going to have for dinner. I have never cooked for him during the past 5 months since we started dating, and so I agreed to make dinner. It felt good to spend time together without the rush of daily life. It was nice to enjoy one another's company as we shopped for groceries, and went home to cuddle on the couch and watch tv together. It was a nice change of pace to watch the UFC fight in his arms, and cook dinner for him while he enjoyed the fights. It felt amazing to sit down at a dinner table with no one else to worry about but ourselves. I love the feeling of comfort and warmth that he provides me with. I've never felt so safe from harm. He is everything I could have ever asked God for, and more.

All good things come to an end, and before we knew it, it was late. So Saturday ended, and in came Sunday. It was a new day of feeling refreshed and full of life. I made it a point to enjoy the last day of C's spring break with him. We went to have breakfast and to the Festival of Books at USC with my parents. It was a beautiful 90 degree day - the kind of day where you thank God for the beautiful flowers and trees and for family. I enjoyed spending quality time with C, as he always has such a knack for putting a smile on my face. It was a nice way to end my weekend as well. It was the kind of weekend that almost made me forget why I have been so sad, and instead made me grateful for what I have.

There won't be a day that goes by without me thinking about Hope, but I don't have to travel across the country to be with my "sisters" to honor her. Granted, I miss being with the only women who could truly understand the feelings I feel because they feel them too, I am quite blessed to be able to honor her here with the people I care about and who care about me too. I've learned that just because someone doesn't completely understand the feelings and pain that I have associated with this time of year, doesn't mean that they don't love me. The fact that they try makes a world of difference and at the end of they day I find myself thanking God for making me one of the luckiest women in the world. <3