I have been doing some major life reflections the past couple of days. It is probably because this morning, at 1 a.m., marked the one year anniversary of my car accident. I didn't think it would be a big deal, but subconsciously it is, probably because it marked a turning point in my life.
Before this past year, I wasn't necessarily a bad person, but I wasn't an outstanding individual either. I wasn't anyone who made such a particular difference that I'd be missed if I was gone. I was a mediocre mom and daughter who was so miserable with her life. I wasn't the best friend I could possibly be to some people and I did such a half assed job when I was at work. My ex boyfriend and I fought like crazy, especially after I found out he cheated on me. I felt like I didn't deserve better, like I was destined to be disrespected, and talked down to, and mistreated. I felt like it was my punishment for all the things I did wrong in life.
On June 27th of last year, my buddies and I got together to host a pool party. The party was a major fail, and everyone got super drunk, including my ex. Because I saw how intoxicated he was, I stopped drinking and was sober so that I could drive home at the end of the night. I drove him home to Whittier and we agreed I would take his car home and I'd bring it back the next day after work. I always took the streets home, but because I was so exhausted and had to work the next day, I decided to take the freeway because it was faster. BIG MISTAKE.
Traffic on the freeway was at a standstill. Apparently there had been an accident and the freeway was closed off. After a couple minutes of sitting there on the freeway, I noticed the car started to overheat, so I turned it off. Once the freeway opened up, I turned the car back on and it wouldn't start. I had left the lights on and the battery was dead. At this point, I was in the #2 lane of the freeway. I started freaking out as the cars around me started to move and I was stuck there. I called 911 and asked for help right away. It was 1 a.m. and cars were flying by me at 65, 75 mph. Granted I had my hazard lights on and was stepping on the brakes, but there is no worse feeling than knowing you are basically a sitting duck and could get hit at anytime. I kept looking into the rear view mirror and could see all the cars swerving to avoid hitting me. 3 minutes after my call to 911, I got a call from the CHP asking exactly where I was on the freeway. I told him and he said to stay calm and they'd be there shortly. 11 minutes after my initial 911 call, I called again. I was frantic and needed help. I knew I was going to get hit and there was nothing I could do to avoid it.
As I was on that second call to 911, a car swerved out of the way to avoid hitting me. Apparently, the car behind was following that car too closely, so closely that they never saw me, until it was too late. I got rear ended dead on, probably at the speed of 65mph if not a little more. As I sit here and think about the collision and the the force of the impact, I find it truly a miracle that I survived with nothing more than some rattled nerves and a sore back. I was in complete and utter shock that this had happened, all while I was on the phone with dispatch still. I sat in the car to take in everything that happened and could see the lights of the CHP doing a freeway closure in the distance. Some nice guys had stopped their truck and helped me out as well as the couple who had rear ended me. One guy walked me to the side of the freeway while the other guy moved the car to the shoulder. They waited with me until the CHP officers were able to get to us.
I called my ex to let him know that I had gotten into an accident. He started yelling at me about his car. He had his roommate drop him off at the accident scene, only to yell at me some more. I was in pain and shock. I couldn't believe what had happened to me, and all this guy could do was yell at me about how he knew it was a bad idea for me to drive his car home, and why would I take the freeway when I always took the streets. I just wanted to get home.
The moment I walked in my door and saw my dad, I bawled. I cried and cried in his arms. The reality of what had just happened to me hit me, and I almost couldn't believe it. The accident could've been so much worse. I could've been injured, even worse, I could've died. What would've happened to C? Would I have ever seen Hope again? So many feelings and emotions flooded me and I was as emotionally broken as bad as my body hurt.
The next morning after the accident, I went to the doctor to get checked out. I was in excruciating pain, physically and emotionally. I stayed home for a couple of days from work, but had to get back. I found that it hurt me to sit for too long, so I would come to work a few hours late and leave early. It was the biggest lifestyle change ever, as I felt I was unable to do a lot of things I had been able to do before, including simple things like carry my purse or even getting dressed quickly in the morning.
Not only did I change physically, I changed internally. I found myself to be more emotional than usual. I couldn't sleep because I would close my eyes and see the cars coming at me. I was beyond anxious and suffered near panic attacks while on the freeway, especially in the evening time. I couldn't even drive myself for nearly a month afterwards, I couldn't be alone for too long or else my mind would race and I would start thinking about all the things that went on. I had images of C living with no mom, or of Hope looking for her birth mom and being told she had died. I had replayed over and over and over what could've happened, and really questioned God as to why he kept me from harm.
After the initial shock and anxiety of the whole situation wore off, I started to see clearly. I was able to see that the choices I made in life weren't always the best and I was determined to make something out of myself. I was tired of wasting time, and realized that there was no better time than now to make up for lost time. I became a better mom by putting a higher importance on my son's priorities. I became a better friend my appreciating each and every person who sent me well wishes. I became a better daughter for appreciating my parents for all they did for me. I went back to school, I was happier at work, and eventually, after 3 months, I finally got out of the relationship that made me miserable. It was the most drastic change I had ever made, yet it was the one that made me the happiest.
Within the past year, I have strived to be a completely better person. I have made it a priority to appreciate every moment and every person who means something to me. I have learned that being happy is something I have to do for myself before I could let anyone else try to do it for me. I have also learned to work on the things I want to change about myself and accept that there are things I cannot change in others. I have done a better job at sorting out who my real friends are and who I really don't want to be associated with.
The biggest change of all during the past year is that I have learned to love myself, which has undoubtedly been the best change of all. Loving myself has allowed numerous opportunities to come my way, including opening my mind and my heart and meeting the man of my dreams. Never in a million years did I think I would meet someone, especially so soon after getting out of my previous relationship, who I love as much as I love J. I never thought I would meet someone who I could trust and respect who would in turn do the same for me. I never thought it was possible to feel the way I do for him. Yet I am head over heels in love and know this is who I would like to spend the rest of my life with.
So while I sit here and truly thank God for everything he has done for me, I reflect on all the amazing things I have accomplished during the past 12 months, as well as all the things on my to-do list that need to be checked off still. I strive not to take any moment I have for granted and to make the most out of my time. I aim to be the best person I could possibly be and do all the things I have always hoped I would achieve. I guess things happen for a reason after all......
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Monday, June 20, 2011
June Gloom
The weather as of lately has been really weird. It's been gloomy, and cold, and then warm in the afternoons, and then cold again at night. It's really annoying when figuring out what to wear in the morning, and very hard to make plans to do something fun in the sun when there is really no sun. I guess my moods have been matching this weather lately, and I'm pretty tired of it.Last week, J and I had a moment when I almost thought it was over for good. I can honestly admit, that the issue of pushing him away when I need him the most is my own. I wish I could change being that way, but it's hard. I've never been in such a healthy loving relationship, and am so used to people giving up on me when times get tough. I guess pushing him away kinda protects me from getting hurt and given up on. With all that he is going through trying to manage both a full time work and school schedule, I am trying to learn to adjust to the change in our relationship and accept that I am no longer a priority of his, but it is hard. We went from spending most of his days off together, to now seeing each other two days a week, if we are lucky. It's difficult because I feel like we have spent more time missing each other than actually together.
I've always firmly believed in the saying that people come into your life for a reason. We got a new intern at work who started last week. She was explaining to me that she has been in a long distance relationship with her boyfriend over the course of the past year or so. She's here in California, and he is in D.C. She said that they have regularly scheduled Skype dates and that they see each other one every month or so. She says it's been difficult, but that it is worth it because they love each other. Talking to her and hearing her story made me appreciate our situation. While we are not across the country from one another (although sometimes it feels like that), seeing each other once or twice a week is a whole lot better than once a month. I realized that the sacrifices we are making right now are going to be worth it in the long run when we are both successful and (hopefully) married with a family of our own. I have decided that rather than complain about the time apart from one another, I need to suck it up and just appreciate the time we do have, as well as be a strong woman, and help my man instead of give him more problems to add to his plate.
In addition to our relationship issues, I have been feeling pretty lonely. I realized that because my time with J has been so limited, I have so often turned down opportunities to do things with my friends. Since J had plans to take his dad out on Saturday night for Father's Day (since he had to work on Sunday), I found myself with free time, and an urge to go out and have a good time. I text about 5 different female friends, and all of them were "busy" doing other things. I felt like long gone are the days of including me in their plans, and it is certainly understandable. I have comfortably fallen into the cycle of relationship life, and I no longer fit in with my single friends. I know that I can count on those girls if I really really needed them, but expecting to be included in their plans like before is out of the question.
On top of all of that, my family issues have really been getting to me as well. I feel like the moment dad is gone, my siblings take it as an opportunity to take advantage. I hate how disrespectful they are and cannot stand how they walk all over my mother. I hate that when they are home, I lock myself away in my room, drowning in Army Wives episodes on Netflix on my laptop. I wish I had a real family. One who loved and supported each other, during both the good and bad times. I have told J several times that I find it very sad that I feel more comfortable being at his house, eating dinner with his family, than I do with my own. Its highly disturbing and heartbreaking that I don't even trust my family.
Yesterday was Father's Day. It was the first Father's Day that my dad wasn't here for, and frankly, that depressed me more than anything. He sent me a text yesterday morning, from Mexico, that said that he wished he could have a talk with his dad (who passed away a few years ago) so that he could see what a good man and good father he has become. He said that even though we don't agree on things sometimes, he will always love me. It made me miss him so much more to know that it will be another week before I get to give him a hug.
All dad wanted for Father's Day was for the 5 of us to do something together, to celebrate him even though he wasn't here. Upon getting ready, I realized that half of my makeup stash is missing. Absolutely GONE. Along with a lot of my wardrobe. I was so angry and frustrated that I work hard to buy things for myself, and to find it all missing. It is heart breaking and absolutely irritating that my sisters have found a way to break into my room and steal my things and my mom doesn't do anything about it. I guess my frustration erupted in a not so nice way. Mom suggested we go to Applebees. I don't like Applebees so I said so. Little did I know that would begin World War III. I got called names by my sisters. They said I was ungrateful and not a part of the family, so I said fine, I'm not going. I'm not going to sit at a table and pretend like I am happy. I felt really bad because it was my dad's wish for us to be together, but I just couldn't do it. They left, and took C with them, and I locked myself away in my room crying because I really can't stand my living situation much longer.
It really hurt me when I got a text from my mom after they got home saying: "I really wish you had gone with us. One day I will find out why you hate me so much. I'm sorry for whatever I did to make you feel like that. I still love you" and again, another text from her this morning asking: "Are you still very upset at me? Can we be friends again?" That's when it hit me that one of the main problems our family has is that probably because we are grown now, my mom is no longer trying to be a mom, and is desperately trying to be a friend. I don't need a friend. I need my mother. I need her to set boundaries and to give me the support that I need. I need her to understand that just because I am independent does not mean that I don't care about her or that I don't want her in my life. I need her to understand that not only do I need her to be a mom, she needs to be a mom to my sisters instead of their friend. That's why it's so easy for them to manipulate and control her, because she wants their acceptance rather than set up boundaries and make them follow them.
Looking at the situation, from the outside looking in, I realize how much our family needs therapy. They can use me as a scapegoat and blame me for their issues all they want, but I know within myself that they just don't want to take accountability for their own problems. It's not my fault they can't get a job or do something productive with their lives. It's not my fault they are in relationships that are unhappy and verbally abusive. They can blame it all on me getting pregnant at a young age and my choice to place Hope for adoption without consulting anyone else, but blame and the lack of accountability will get them nowhere in life.
The sun has finally peeked through the clouds, and the morning June gloom has finally gone away. I think by writing and sharing my feelings about all that has been bothering me has helped me realize a lot of things. I have a lot going for myself. I am strong and determined, motivated to make a difference for myself and my son. I am doing my best to wake up every day and live my life the way I want it to be lived, as I know that only I can make my life the way I want it to be. Only I can be held accountable for my actions, for the good and the bad that I do. I can't let anyone, or anything affect me or try to stop me from reaching my goals. Bye-bye, June gloom. There's only room for sunny days on this calendar.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Dreams
Lately, I have been doing alot of thinking. Thinking about life, where I'm at in it, and where I'm headed. I have thought about how much I have accomplished, and how much I still need to get done. I have thought about the choices I have made and I wonder if I would make the same choices today. I am constantly changing, becoming a better person with each passing day, yet in my heart something is the same. That something is my love for both of my children, the one that is with me, and the one that isn't.
Lately, I've been having dreams about Hope. Dreams of meeting her in the street or watching her play at the park. In my dreams, she is mine. I am the one who dresses her and combs her hair. I am the one who pushes her on the swings or plays Barbies with her. I dream about C being her big brother, protecting her from harm and building her houses out of his Legos for her dolls. I dream of the three of us being a family together, welcoming in J, the prince charming I never thought I would have. I dream about him loving both of my babies the same and the four of us living a perfect life together.
Then I wake up. I wake up and realize that I will never see her play at the park as a child. I will never get to hear her laugh and giggle as she comes down the slide or as I push her on the swing. We will never sing together, or cuddle together. I will never know what her hair smells like or what her favorite color is. I will never know what her voice sounds like or what she is scared of. I will never know her favorite food or what she sounds like when she cries. I will never know what it feels like to hold her in the middle of the night when she is sick or scared.
All I will ever know is the girl in the pictures that I get from time to time. I know that she likes Strawberry Shortcake and Dora the Explorer. I know that she travels to places I have never been before and that she is in karate and gymnastics. I know that she is happy and well taken care of. But I don't know much else....
I never thought being a birthmom would be this hard. When I was pregnant with her and I made the decision to place her, I thought that if I didn't get attached to the growing mass inside my belly, I would be ok. I didn't think I would love her and care about her as much as I do. I didn't think I would think about her every day and every night. I didn't think my heart would ache as I wonder if I will ever have an opportunity to meet her again. I didn't think I'd wonder if she would eventually care to meet me. I didn't think the thought of meeting one day would consume me as much as it does. With each passing day, she is getting older. With each month that passes, and each birthday that comes around, it is one step closer to her getting old enough to make that decision.
I often think about what I would do or say if I ever got the opportunity to meet my princess again. I have played out scenarios in my head of bumping into her and her family at the mall or at the Farmer's Market. I wonder if I would have the courage to say something or if I would just walk in the opposite direction. Better yet, I wonder if her parents would recognize me and completely ignore me. Wondering what I would say or do is a constant thought in my head, especially with the small world that we live in.
I guess I've been thinking alot of my little angel lately now that I am on my way to a more successful future. I thank her (and C) for giving me the push I need to move forward in life to be a better, more successful person. Everyday, I strive to be a little better and push a little harder, because for the past 8 years, life has no longer been about me, it's been about my children. I promised that little girl the day I said goodbye to her that when she met me again, I would be someone she could be proud of, and thats what I am working towards: being the person both of my children could look up at and be proud of.
Lately, I've been having dreams about Hope. Dreams of meeting her in the street or watching her play at the park. In my dreams, she is mine. I am the one who dresses her and combs her hair. I am the one who pushes her on the swings or plays Barbies with her. I dream about C being her big brother, protecting her from harm and building her houses out of his Legos for her dolls. I dream of the three of us being a family together, welcoming in J, the prince charming I never thought I would have. I dream about him loving both of my babies the same and the four of us living a perfect life together.
Then I wake up. I wake up and realize that I will never see her play at the park as a child. I will never get to hear her laugh and giggle as she comes down the slide or as I push her on the swing. We will never sing together, or cuddle together. I will never know what her hair smells like or what her favorite color is. I will never know what her voice sounds like or what she is scared of. I will never know her favorite food or what she sounds like when she cries. I will never know what it feels like to hold her in the middle of the night when she is sick or scared.
All I will ever know is the girl in the pictures that I get from time to time. I know that she likes Strawberry Shortcake and Dora the Explorer. I know that she travels to places I have never been before and that she is in karate and gymnastics. I know that she is happy and well taken care of. But I don't know much else....
I never thought being a birthmom would be this hard. When I was pregnant with her and I made the decision to place her, I thought that if I didn't get attached to the growing mass inside my belly, I would be ok. I didn't think I would love her and care about her as much as I do. I didn't think I would think about her every day and every night. I didn't think my heart would ache as I wonder if I will ever have an opportunity to meet her again. I didn't think I'd wonder if she would eventually care to meet me. I didn't think the thought of meeting one day would consume me as much as it does. With each passing day, she is getting older. With each month that passes, and each birthday that comes around, it is one step closer to her getting old enough to make that decision.
I often think about what I would do or say if I ever got the opportunity to meet my princess again. I have played out scenarios in my head of bumping into her and her family at the mall or at the Farmer's Market. I wonder if I would have the courage to say something or if I would just walk in the opposite direction. Better yet, I wonder if her parents would recognize me and completely ignore me. Wondering what I would say or do is a constant thought in my head, especially with the small world that we live in.
I guess I've been thinking alot of my little angel lately now that I am on my way to a more successful future. I thank her (and C) for giving me the push I need to move forward in life to be a better, more successful person. Everyday, I strive to be a little better and push a little harder, because for the past 8 years, life has no longer been about me, it's been about my children. I promised that little girl the day I said goodbye to her that when she met me again, I would be someone she could be proud of, and thats what I am working towards: being the person both of my children could look up at and be proud of.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Everything is Changing
So many things have been changing lately. I can't even really explain all the things I feel inside. I am happy and sad, angry, resentful, lonely, yet proud, and supportive. What am I talking about? Pretty much everything, I guess.
A few weeks ago, on Memorial Day weekend, C went away for the weekend with my parents, so J and I finally got to spend 4 straight days with each other. It was the first time in the entirety of our relationship that we had been apart from the moment he dropped me off on Saturday night to Friday afternoon. The first night, Friday, we went to dinner and to see the Hangover 2. It was a good time, but I felt almost like we had the awkwardness of a first date all over again. It was a totally abnormal feeling that we were eventually able to shake off by the end of the night. The next day, Saturday, J had school and picked me up when he was done so we could enjoy a night "away" together. Our "night away" was actually a "staycation" at a really nice hotel I have really fallen in love with in Long Beach called Hotel Maya. It was beautiful, the weather was fabulous, but things once again didn't feel completely right.
The Saturday night we spent out in Long Beach, ended up with us heading to a restaurant with "happy hour" and the UFC fight. While there, J and I made friends with the couple sitting next to us at the bar. Before I knew it, J was pretty tipsy and the night wasn't so fun anymore. We went back to the room, and eventually fell asleep, him on one side of the bed, and me on the other, no longer cuddling like we used to when we were able to get time alone together. The morning consisted of us getting up, getting ready and meeting his brother and nephew at the beach. Needless to say, I was very disappointed by the lack of passion and desire we once had for each other. I was very hurt and heartbroken, as I felt like he was no longer attracted to me like he once was. As it is, J and I rarely can spend the night together, and the one night he had me, he didn't want me. It was the first time in this relationship that I wasn't confident about US and where we were headed.
The rest of our Sunday was eventful. We met up with J's brother and nephew at Bolsa Chica Beach. It was super windy so we left and headed to J's house where we laid out by the pool to continue our tans, had some dinner, and attempted to watch tv despite the burns on our legs from too much sun. On Monday, I was back at J's for a Memorial Day bbq, but I didn't quite feel like myself. I was more quiet and reserved, not the girl I usually I am. I guess I had a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions in my head and they wouldn't cease to exist, so I was better off keeping my mouth shut. I was still hurt about the lack of sex from our mini getaway, and I didn't know how to shake it off.
The following week was our 6 month "anniversary". I made him a picture book of all the cool things we have done together during the past 6 months we have been dating. I put in pictures of our first date, random text messages and museum pictures. I wrote to him about how I felt about him and how I look forward to the future. I cried when I gave it to him. It meant alot to me and I felt that by giving him that book, I gave him a physical piece of my heart.
The "anniversary" weekend was uneventful, pretty much like any other weekend, nothing different. I don't know if I was expecting it to be different, but I do know that at the end of it, I was slightly disappointed. Am I expecting too much for him to acknowledge what a milestone 6 months is? or was that only significant to me? Maybe I should've just known better than to think he would assume the importance of reaching such a milestone. He's not a mind reader, and I can't honestly expect him to know what I'm thinking, yet I feel stupid if I explain to him how I feel about these things.
Here we are, a week and a few days later. Things are getting more difficult the deeper J gets into school - for me and for him. Last week was another 6 days without each other week, and to top it off I was really sick. All I wanted was to be in his arms and to have him take care of me, and I didn't get that. I feel selfish to complain about how I feel like I am at the bottom of the totem pole. I feel like I am no longer important to him and that I am more of a distraction to him than anything. I feel that by opening my mouth and telling him that I feel lonely and sad and depressed about our relationship situation, I am failing as his girlfriend. I can't fail, I have to be strong to get him through this, even if it means putting my feelings aside. I keep asking myself if this is a test from God, to see how truly strong I am. If it is, it's not a nice one.
I really just want to be happy again. I miss the days of us rolling around in the sheets together, being in each others arms till its late and time to go home. I miss feeling like I am important to him. I miss the days of exploring new places and things together, and even going to the gym together. I am really trying my best to stay strong. I don't plan on giving up because I know what a good thing I have in him, yet I am so afraid he will give up on me for not being a good enough girlfriend. I struggle with trying to figure out how to be a "good enough girlfriend" for him. I've never been in this situation before, and I don't know how to not be selfish just a little bit.
Sigh...
I'll get through this. No, scratch that, WE'LL get through this.... With bumps, bruises, and scrapes, I don't plan on leaving his side. I can only pray that he'll still want me there at the end of it all.
A few weeks ago, on Memorial Day weekend, C went away for the weekend with my parents, so J and I finally got to spend 4 straight days with each other. It was the first time in the entirety of our relationship that we had been apart from the moment he dropped me off on Saturday night to Friday afternoon. The first night, Friday, we went to dinner and to see the Hangover 2. It was a good time, but I felt almost like we had the awkwardness of a first date all over again. It was a totally abnormal feeling that we were eventually able to shake off by the end of the night. The next day, Saturday, J had school and picked me up when he was done so we could enjoy a night "away" together. Our "night away" was actually a "staycation" at a really nice hotel I have really fallen in love with in Long Beach called Hotel Maya. It was beautiful, the weather was fabulous, but things once again didn't feel completely right.
The Saturday night we spent out in Long Beach, ended up with us heading to a restaurant with "happy hour" and the UFC fight. While there, J and I made friends with the couple sitting next to us at the bar. Before I knew it, J was pretty tipsy and the night wasn't so fun anymore. We went back to the room, and eventually fell asleep, him on one side of the bed, and me on the other, no longer cuddling like we used to when we were able to get time alone together. The morning consisted of us getting up, getting ready and meeting his brother and nephew at the beach. Needless to say, I was very disappointed by the lack of passion and desire we once had for each other. I was very hurt and heartbroken, as I felt like he was no longer attracted to me like he once was. As it is, J and I rarely can spend the night together, and the one night he had me, he didn't want me. It was the first time in this relationship that I wasn't confident about US and where we were headed.
The rest of our Sunday was eventful. We met up with J's brother and nephew at Bolsa Chica Beach. It was super windy so we left and headed to J's house where we laid out by the pool to continue our tans, had some dinner, and attempted to watch tv despite the burns on our legs from too much sun. On Monday, I was back at J's for a Memorial Day bbq, but I didn't quite feel like myself. I was more quiet and reserved, not the girl I usually I am. I guess I had a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions in my head and they wouldn't cease to exist, so I was better off keeping my mouth shut. I was still hurt about the lack of sex from our mini getaway, and I didn't know how to shake it off.
The following week was our 6 month "anniversary". I made him a picture book of all the cool things we have done together during the past 6 months we have been dating. I put in pictures of our first date, random text messages and museum pictures. I wrote to him about how I felt about him and how I look forward to the future. I cried when I gave it to him. It meant alot to me and I felt that by giving him that book, I gave him a physical piece of my heart.
The "anniversary" weekend was uneventful, pretty much like any other weekend, nothing different. I don't know if I was expecting it to be different, but I do know that at the end of it, I was slightly disappointed. Am I expecting too much for him to acknowledge what a milestone 6 months is? or was that only significant to me? Maybe I should've just known better than to think he would assume the importance of reaching such a milestone. He's not a mind reader, and I can't honestly expect him to know what I'm thinking, yet I feel stupid if I explain to him how I feel about these things.
Here we are, a week and a few days later. Things are getting more difficult the deeper J gets into school - for me and for him. Last week was another 6 days without each other week, and to top it off I was really sick. All I wanted was to be in his arms and to have him take care of me, and I didn't get that. I feel selfish to complain about how I feel like I am at the bottom of the totem pole. I feel like I am no longer important to him and that I am more of a distraction to him than anything. I feel that by opening my mouth and telling him that I feel lonely and sad and depressed about our relationship situation, I am failing as his girlfriend. I can't fail, I have to be strong to get him through this, even if it means putting my feelings aside. I keep asking myself if this is a test from God, to see how truly strong I am. If it is, it's not a nice one.
I really just want to be happy again. I miss the days of us rolling around in the sheets together, being in each others arms till its late and time to go home. I miss feeling like I am important to him. I miss the days of exploring new places and things together, and even going to the gym together. I am really trying my best to stay strong. I don't plan on giving up because I know what a good thing I have in him, yet I am so afraid he will give up on me for not being a good enough girlfriend. I struggle with trying to figure out how to be a "good enough girlfriend" for him. I've never been in this situation before, and I don't know how to not be selfish just a little bit.
Sigh...
I'll get through this. No, scratch that, WE'LL get through this.... With bumps, bruises, and scrapes, I don't plan on leaving his side. I can only pray that he'll still want me there at the end of it all.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Dear Dad
Dear Dad,
I figured I would give you something to read while you are on the plane on your way to Mexico since you said you didn't think you would sleep much during your flight.
I am going to miss you very much. I have gotten accustomed to the carpooling to and from work and appreciate all the conversations we have, whether its about current events, sports, or just real life. Granted, there are days where we just ride together in the car in silence, but usually we have something to talk about thanks to talk radio. I am thankful for the opportunity to carpool with you because to me, I feel like we are re-building a relationship I feel has been lost a long time ago. That 30-40 minute drive together puts me in hopes that you will soon see me as the person I am, and not the person I once was. I know I have made plenty of mistakes in the past, some of which has caused you much pain and sadness, but I'm not that person anymore, and I hope you can see that.
I want you to know that by you going to school and accomplishing your goal of receiving your certificate in that translator program has helped me to see that it is possible to achieve success, regardless of what is on my plate. You have a full time job and family and have managed to add school to your plate and complete what you started. Your strength to successfully complete the program has motivated me to finish what I started a long time ago.
Being that I have been in a community college for way too long, I haven't been able to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like there's been no end in sight, no matter how hard I worked to get ahead. My last attempt at trying something different than Mt. Sac or Rio Hondo was a fail, in large part because I didn't feel like I had your support (like when you told me I acted as though I thought I was better than everyone because I got a car and went back to college instead of telling me you were proud of me). We had a talk just the other day about how life is just too short to let it slip away. I'm tired of settling with a mediocre life because I am "comfortable". I want more out of life and decided that I can't get that if I settle for the life I am living right now.
Well I have good news. I recently applied and got accepted to Capella University, it's a university based out of Minneapolis that offers an online program. A good friend of mine just completed her Masters there and recommended it to me. It's a huge commitment that I have thought over but have decided is right for me. I start the program on July 11th and am looking at graduating with my Bachelors in Public Safety with a specialization in Criminal Justice in 2013. With that I plan on applying somewhere locally for grad school so I could get a Masters in Social Work.
While I wasn't going to say anything and just surprise you with an invitation to my graduation in two years, I realized that I can't do this without your support. Regardless of things that have happened between us in the past, you are still my dad, and I value and respect you. You are the one person I feel like I can talk to about anything and I know that even if I don't like what I may hear, I know I will always get an honest answer from.
Father's Day without you is going to be hard for all of us, but I'm sure we are all happy to share you with the family in Mexico for two weeks, since we get you for the other 50 weeks out of the year. I hope you have a safe trip and enjoy time with Grandma and the rest of the family. Remember, life is too short and you have to appreciate every moment. :)
I love you very much, Dad.
Love,
M
I figured I would give you something to read while you are on the plane on your way to Mexico since you said you didn't think you would sleep much during your flight.
I am going to miss you very much. I have gotten accustomed to the carpooling to and from work and appreciate all the conversations we have, whether its about current events, sports, or just real life. Granted, there are days where we just ride together in the car in silence, but usually we have something to talk about thanks to talk radio. I am thankful for the opportunity to carpool with you because to me, I feel like we are re-building a relationship I feel has been lost a long time ago. That 30-40 minute drive together puts me in hopes that you will soon see me as the person I am, and not the person I once was. I know I have made plenty of mistakes in the past, some of which has caused you much pain and sadness, but I'm not that person anymore, and I hope you can see that.
I want you to know that by you going to school and accomplishing your goal of receiving your certificate in that translator program has helped me to see that it is possible to achieve success, regardless of what is on my plate. You have a full time job and family and have managed to add school to your plate and complete what you started. Your strength to successfully complete the program has motivated me to finish what I started a long time ago.
Being that I have been in a community college for way too long, I haven't been able to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like there's been no end in sight, no matter how hard I worked to get ahead. My last attempt at trying something different than Mt. Sac or Rio Hondo was a fail, in large part because I didn't feel like I had your support (like when you told me I acted as though I thought I was better than everyone because I got a car and went back to college instead of telling me you were proud of me). We had a talk just the other day about how life is just too short to let it slip away. I'm tired of settling with a mediocre life because I am "comfortable". I want more out of life and decided that I can't get that if I settle for the life I am living right now.
Well I have good news. I recently applied and got accepted to Capella University, it's a university based out of Minneapolis that offers an online program. A good friend of mine just completed her Masters there and recommended it to me. It's a huge commitment that I have thought over but have decided is right for me. I start the program on July 11th and am looking at graduating with my Bachelors in Public Safety with a specialization in Criminal Justice in 2013. With that I plan on applying somewhere locally for grad school so I could get a Masters in Social Work.
While I wasn't going to say anything and just surprise you with an invitation to my graduation in two years, I realized that I can't do this without your support. Regardless of things that have happened between us in the past, you are still my dad, and I value and respect you. You are the one person I feel like I can talk to about anything and I know that even if I don't like what I may hear, I know I will always get an honest answer from.
Father's Day without you is going to be hard for all of us, but I'm sure we are all happy to share you with the family in Mexico for two weeks, since we get you for the other 50 weeks out of the year. I hope you have a safe trip and enjoy time with Grandma and the rest of the family. Remember, life is too short and you have to appreciate every moment. :)
I love you very much, Dad.
Love,
M
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