Dear My Beautiful Daughter,
Today is Christmas. It is the sixth Christmas I've had to celebrate without you in my arms. The sixth year of wondering what Santa left for you under the tree and if you wake up early, excited for his arrival the night before. This is the sixth year of wondering what the look of delight in your face is like when you wake up and discover the gifts under the tree in the morning, or do you open your gifts in Christmas Eve? You would think that six years would make this easier for me, but it isn't.
There's not a day that goes by where I don't think about you. I wonder what you're doing or where you're going or how you are celebrating your holidays. There isn't a day that I don't wonder what life would've been like had I kept you here with me and your brother, where I wonder if you would be as happy as you are now.
I bought you a gift this year. It's a beautiful Pocahontas doll. I know I never bought you anything before, but I just never knew what to get you. I cried when I stood in line to purchase your gift. It was a step made in overcoming my issues... Or so I thought. I'm sorry, but the gift is still in the trunk of J's car, where it has been since I purchased it. I have been struggling with myself to send it, and am still battling my thoughts and feelings because I'm afraid you may not like it. I'm afraid you will wonder why now, and not the past six years. I am afraid of a lot of things.
This is the hardest Christmas ever. I've never been this way and I am struggling in so many ways. I am upset. I am hurt. I am broken on the inside. It's no ones fault but my own that you aren't here. For the first time ever, I regret my choice. The selfish part of me wishes I had kept you here with me so that I could celebrate days like this with you. But like I said, its selfish of me to think that way.
I keep checking my email to see if your parents will send me an email or a picture of you for Christmas. I keep hoping that somehow, someway, things would be different and maybe they would think of me for once this year, but maybe it was too much to pray for.
I miss you, little angel. Like a lot. I wish you were here to celebrate this day, to fill the hole in my heart that was created the day I said goodbye to you. I hope you have a Merry Christmas. I love you forever and for always.
"I love you not only for who you are, but for what you are when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but what you are making of me." ~ Roy Croft
It's so amazing how life can change so dramatically from almost one day to the next, and it is more amazing how fast time seems to fly when you are having fun. A little over a year ago, I was enjoying life as a single woman, going out to clubs and bars and frequenting happy hours. I was enjoying nights out with my girls, and hanging out on Sundays watching sports with my guy friends. I would drink like a fish, and besides work, and school, and C, I really had nothing else to worry about.
A couple of days after Thanksgiving of last year, on a rainy Saturday night, I was home doing mommy stuff with C and in during breaks of working on his project due the following Monday, I started texting back and forth with a handsome EMT who I have met through friends but not officially met. This guy made me laugh, and I can remember us talking and texting till really late that night. It was so awesome to meet someone who had such a similar sense of humor as mine. Throughout the following week, we found ourselves talking and texting nonstop.. this guy made me laugh in ways no one could.
Around mid-week of that first week we had been talking, I came up on some tickets for the USC vs. UCLA rivalry that following Saturday. I had asked some friends if they wanted to go, but everyone seemed so flaky. I asked my sexy EMT who I had been texting all week if he was up for going, and he said sure. He was going to just go and tailgate with friends, so he was pretty stoked about the invitation to go to the game. I was excited that he said yes, but so so nervous at the same time. We agreed that he would pick me up at 6am and we would tailgate and hang out until game time at 7pm.
On the morning of December 4, 2010, I woke up extremely early, got ready and waited for this guy to pick me up. A little bit past 6am, this silver Lexus pulled up to my house, and this hot, buff guy in a USC jacket came out. I think it was love at first sight <3 That was the first time I met J in person, and I was mesmerized (an instantly self conscious because he looked like a gym rat and I had never stepped foot near a gym). I was glad his friend was in the car with us and we all were talking on the way to meet his friend's friends.
We got to the Rose Bowl at around 8am, and had a full day ahead of us of drinking, and playing games, and getting to know all the people in the group we went with. We gelled so well together, and it was pretty awesome how well I got along with his friend and his friend's girlfriend. They made me feel comfortable and welcomed, as well as J was always checking on me to see how I was doing. Around 3 hours into this "date", I text a friend of mine and told her "I think I just met my future husband". Maybe I was intoxicated, or maybe the fact that this guy proved to me in a short amount of time that he was unlike any guy I had ever met... either way, it was probably one of the first times I have ever uttered those words about anyone in my life.
J and I went to the game, he got to meet my friend and his girlfriend, and we got to enjoy seeing our team beat their rivals. It was an all around great time. Not to mention, he and I really hit it off extremely well. We went to grab some food after the game with his friends and cuddled in the back seat while his friend drove us home. When he dropped me off at 1am, I couldn't even believe that I had such an amazing time and that I spent the past 18 hours with such wonderful company. Who would've known that that first date would change my life in so many ways...
Here I am, a year later, putting the pieces together of how this relationship came about. I thank God every day for blessing me with the most wonderful, amazing man to ever come into my life (aside from my dad and my son). I never thought a love like this was possible, but I am so glad to be the one to be able to prove otherwise. I truly feel lucky and special to experience this, and am so glad that he seems to feel the same way I do.
Throughout the course of the past year, we have done and seen a lot, more than I have in any other relationship. We have gone to museums, on three trips to San Diego, to a USC game, a couple of Dodgers games, a Galaxy game, a Laker game and a Charger game. We have met each other's families, and our families have met each other - and actually liked each other. We have celebrated birthdays, our own and C's, and he has been by my side as I went through the roller coaster of emotions when it was Hope's birthday. He has been a pillar of strength when I didn't think I had any left in me, and he has been a constant motivator, pushing me to succeed in all I do. He has become my one true love, my soul mate, and my best friend.
I know that being my boyfriend isn't always easy. Getting used to dating a girl with a child has been difficult at times for J, but he has done an amazing job at accepting C and being an amazing role model for him. As hard as it has been for him to know about what it is to date a birthmom, he has been great at trying his best to understand. He has been there to hold me and hug me when the emotions hit me out of nowhere. He is patient and understanding when I get into my moods. He does his best to communicate with me when I try to shut him out, and when he have "hard" times, they really aren't that hard. To say he is amazing is an understatement.
Since we started dating, I have changed and become such a different person. Partying and hanging out at the bar are not as fun to me any more. I find that I have more fun spending time on the couch watching movies or at the table doing homework with J by my side. I enjoy time that we spend with C the most, as I feel that our bond only strengthens and the possibility of a future family is even brighter. Seeing the two of them together makes me so happy to know that this is what my future consists of - the three of us.
I have always believed that God creates us with a matching piece. When the pieces are put together, it's somewhat like a completed puzzle, as it creates a beautiful picture. By having J in my life, I feel that my puzzle has been completed, and now it's up to us to determine the picture that the world will see. I don't see myself with anyone else by my side. I don't want to imagine my life without him in it. He is my one true love and I am so grateful to have been able to be his girlfriend this past year.
