Teen Mom = Story of My Life

Anyone who truly knows me, knows how much I love the MTV show, Teen Mom. I have been following these girls since they started on 16 and Pregnant. I feel as though I have a connection with each of the girls on the show, as I find that they each represent a struggle I've been through or am going through. I have even blogged about the show for the Birthmom Buds blog and about how much the show has helped me start the grieving process as a birthmom, as I found that I could really relate to what Catelynn and Tyler were going through.

I find that almost each episode of Teen Mom has me in tears, as the girls are always facing something I could relate to. Last night's show was no different, in fact, I think it hit me harder than usual for some reason. I found myself relating to Farrah, as she wants to move away to start a life of her own. While I don't always entirely agree with the girl and her choices or the type of person she is, I completely understand her desire to get away and do things on her own. I am 28 years old and finding that I wish I could get away and live life on my own with C. I feel like my parents have some sort of control over me because they help me out with C so much. It's been nearly 8 years since he was born, and I feel like they always hold it over my head that they help me out and I wish I was as ballsy as Farrah to just say I want out. If it was affordable enough to have a place of my own and still afford C's tuition, I probably would be able to make that happen.

In last night's episode, Maci was talking about wanting to have babies with Kyle. She saw the way that Kyle is with Bentley and how he would make a great dad. She talked about wanting to have a baby that was theirs, one she didn't want to have to share on the weekends. I feel like I could relate. While I don't have to share C with his "dad" the way that Maci has to share custody, I do see the way that J is with C and I can't help but fall in love with him over and over again, as he is amazing with him. I see so many qualities in J that make me realize what an amazing dad he would be to his own children; Qualities that make me see what an amazing husband he would be as well.

During the show, Maci had dinner with her friends and told them about how she and Kyle had the baby talk. They were somewhat shocked and reminded her of the pain and suffering she went through with Ryan, her ex. They reminded her of the nights he wouldn't come home and left her at home to take care of their child. He got to go out and be a teenager while she had to stay home and grow up. No woman ever expects their man to walk out on them when they are pregnant with their child. No woman expects to raise a child on their own. No woman ever really plans on having to deal with the trauma of realizing that their man just isn't ready to grow up, while at that point, there's no choice and growing up and being responsible is the only option.

Maci's friends told her they didn't want to see her go through the same things she had gone through in the past with Kyle. It made me think about my own life and why after I had C, I always said I didn't want more children. I've always had the fear of being put in the same situation I found myself in 8 years ago. I don't want to ever have to raise another child alone again. It's been a long and difficult road and the last thing I want is to have to do it again without someone by my side. Being with J has made the worry and fear go away enough for me to be able to talk about wanting a family and babies of our own. It has made it a lot easier to discuss marriage and what the next step of our relationship would be. It's amazing how much trust I have in him and how much faith I have in the future outcomes of this relationship. It's a feeling I have never in my life felt, and while it is scary, it feels right. I know that he would be a great dad like mine was. I know that he will be an amazing husband like my dad has been to my mom. I know that we make a great team and I am no longer afraid of having to raise another baby alone (when we get to that point), because I know that J would never let that happen.

One of the biggest things about last night's show that has really affected me and has been resonating in my mind is the whole part about Catelynn and Tyler. There are a few things that got to me in this episode:

1. The episode started off with them meeting up with their adoption advisor to pick up pictures of Carly (one thing I am super jealous of). Tyler asked if it would be ok to invite Carly's family to graduation 6 months down the line. It was suggested that he write a letter to Carly's a-parents to give them time to make that decision.
2. Tyler and Catelynn went shopping with their parents to buy gifts for Carly for Christmas. Tyler's dad got really emotional and said that he wanted to send her a gift even though she didn't know who he is.
3. Tyler's mom called Brandon and Theresa (the a-parents), and really freaked them out, especially since she had mentioned graduation. It put Catelynn and Tyler in a place where they were trying to figure out their parents involvement in the adoption. In one scene, Catelynn said that when she made the choice for adoption, she never thought about how that would involve their families, something I could totally relate to. Seeing how much the family has been affected by their choice made me look at my own stuff.

Here's what I am thinking about:

1. Seeing Catelynn and Ty talk about wanting Carly at graduation made me reflect on my own life. I have thought about it time and time again about how much Hope is a part of my life, even though she probably doesn't know I exist. I think about how hard I work in my everyday life to get ahead, and how much she is a part of that motivation to succeed as much as C is. When I made my adoption plan, I didn't think she would ever be as much a part of my day to day thoughts as she has become, and I never thought that she would be such a big part of my decision making and thought processes as she has become. I would love to have her at my graduation from college one day, and I most definitely would die complete if she were at my wedding. I think about how much I wish I could share my successes in life with her and how I don't ever think that would be possible, and it makes me sad. It honestly breaks my heart and has me in tears to think that this little girl has no idea how much she has changed my life, and i wish I could tell her.
2. Watching Catelynn and Ty shop for Christmas gifts made me feel like such a bad birthmom. In the past 6 years, I have attempted to shop for Hope for birthdays, holidays, and just because. I have found myself buying her birthday cards but never sending them. I don't know what to buy or say or do.The last time I bought Hope a gift was when she was first born, when my mom and I took some things we had purchased to the adoption agency and sent them for her. Since then, I have found myself going to the store with the intention of getting her something, and leaving empty handed as I search through the store and realize I have no idea what she likes.  I don't know what is right or wrong. I don't want to share too much or over cross my boundaries. I seriously don't know what the proper etiquette is when it comes to communicating with my daughter, especially when I don't know if her parents have shared with her that she is adopted. This is one of my struggles as it seems as though V & L are very protective and hesitant, even to send me pictures.
3. I completely understand the struggle that Catelynn and Ty are having with their families and their desire of involvement. When I found myself pregnant with Hope, I thought about how adding another child to the family would affect my immediate family. I thought about the adverse effects to everyone's lives, but never really thought about how it would be difficult emotionally. While placing a baby for adoption is an unselfish decision, I have come to realize how the adoption itself has been selfish. I find myself not wanting to share the pictures and letters I get. I don't want to include my family into any of my plan. I don't like when my family talks about the adoption or bad-mouths V&L for not sending more pictures because I PICKED THEM to be MY daughter's parents. I know that she is very much a part of them as she is of me, and that they are hurting as well, but I also feel like they have NO idea as to what it has been like to grow this baby in my tummy and place her in the arms of another family. Granted, they are in pain because they had no say in the decision I made, they have NO IDEA what pain I live with day in and day out and they choose to not acknowledge the fact that this hurts me more than them.

I find that the older I get, the more my mind races with things I didn't think about 6 years ago when I made my adoption plan. I think about how at this time, in 2005, I was meeting V & L for the first time and deciding that they were who my baby was going to call mom and dad. I didn't have much knowledge of adoption, I just knew that there was open and closed adoptions. When I heard about semi-open adoptions, I didn't know about what they entailed and thought that it only meant I was allowed pictures and letters. I had no clue that I could've possibly requested a face to face meeting once a year. If there's any regret I have, it's not requesting that option.

I feel that as the years go by, I want to see her. I want to hug her and kiss her and tell her I love her. I want to see for myself what a beautiful little girl she has become and I want to hear her laugh and see her smile. It weighs in heavy on my heart that I don't really know when the next time I will see her will be. I feel so sad at the fact that I was so uneducated about my options, and feel like now it's just a waiting game and lots of prayer to have the ability to meet her again.

Even though I am not a teen, I am thankful for Teen Mom and the fact that it shows me that the things I am going through and the thoughts I am having are normal, even at my age. I also like the fact that the show has helped J understand a lot more about adoption, in turn helping him understand a lot more about me. It has helped give him perspective and caused him to ask questions he probably wouldn't have thought to ask had it not been for the show. I just wish that each show wouldn't cause me to cry like a baby every time. lol

I am definitely looking forward to the rest of the season...

Tangled

With it being the last weekend before school starts for C, I let him stay up late one last night before we start getting ready for new sleep hours. Last night, after I got home from an amazing date with J, C and I cuddled up in bed and watched Tangled on Netflix.

Tangled is basically the Disney version of Rapunzel. She was the daughter of the king and queen of the land they lived in who was taken and raised by a mean woman when she was a baby. Rapunzel wasn't allowed to leave the tower she lived in, but when she turned 18, she snuck out to see the lanterns that were released every year on her birthday. She eventually found out she was the missing princess and was reunited with her parents.

In the movie, there was a scene where it was her birthday, and the king and queen were so sad. C asked me if I would be sad if my son was taken away from me. I said of course. I said, "I understand how they feel. I miss my daughter everyday." C looked at me with alarm and said "Whaaaat? What are you talking about, mom?" I said, "Hope, baby. Hope is my daughter. She's your sister." He said, "No mom, Hope has parents. She's not your daughter." I tried to explain that she came from my tummy to their arms. It was a pretty difficult conversation to have with a 7 year old so we just continued to watch the movie.

Later on, C mentioned something about how the mean lady had adopted Rapunzel. I paused the movie and asked him if he knew what adoption meant and he said, "Yes, mom. Adoption is when people who can't have a baby are given a baby by someone who doesn't want theirs." I explained to him that that wasn't the case. I told him that just because someone is placed for adoption doesn't mean that their birthparent didn't want them, it meant that they loved them enough to give them a life that they wouldn't be able to give them have they stayed with them. It was a pretty heavy talk that resulted in me staying up till 3:30am with so many thoughts running through my head.

I have tried to be open with C as much as I possibly could about Hope since the very beginning. Although he wasn't even two years old yet when she was born, I have tried my best to talk about her and share with him that he has a sister. I don't think he ever really believed it because this "sister" was no where around. I have tried to share pictures of her, but realized that each time someone mentioned how much they looked alike, he would act out. It wasn't until last night that I realized he fully doesn't understand the situation and that worries me.

I am worried that as C gets older and learns more, he will grow to resent me. He wants a sibling so bad, and the fact that he has one who he doesn't know, and it's all my fault, makes me feel pretty bad. I know I made the right choice, as they both wouldn't be able to live the life they live if it weren't for my choice to place her for adoption, but it doesn't make it any easier. I just pray he'll understand, I pray they both will.

I thought about trying to explain more about adoption and the situation with Hope, but I don't want to push more on my little guy than I have to. I want him to keep hold of his innocence and never let it go. I want him to be a normal kid, not having to think or worry about the mistakes and choices I have made in the past. I figure that I will tell him more as he gets older if we are stuck in the same situation.

Leave it up to a Disney movie to leave me just as Tangled as Rapunzel's hair. I am glad we got to watch the movie together, and it was a great movie, but I'm not so glad about the unexpected conversation that came from it with C. But, such is another day in the life of a mom who is also a birthmom.

Dreams

Lately, I have been doing alot of thinking. Thinking about life, where I'm at in it, and where I'm headed. I have thought about how much I have accomplished, and how much I still need to get done. I have thought about the choices I have made and I wonder if I would make the same choices today. I am constantly changing, becoming a better person with each passing day, yet in my heart something is the same. That something is my love for both of my children, the one that is with me, and the one that isn't.

Lately, I've been having dreams about Hope. Dreams of meeting her in the street or watching her play at the park. In my dreams, she is mine. I am the one who dresses her and combs her hair. I am the one who pushes her on the swings or plays Barbies with her. I dream about C being her big brother, protecting her from harm and building her houses out of his Legos for her dolls. I dream of the three of us being a family together, welcoming in J, the prince charming I never thought I would have. I dream about him loving both of my babies the same and the four of us living a perfect life together.

Then I wake up. I wake up and realize that I will never see her play at the park as a child. I will never get to hear her laugh and giggle as she comes down the slide or as I push her on the swing. We will never sing together, or cuddle together. I will never know what her hair smells like or what her favorite color is. I will never know what her voice sounds like or what she is scared of. I will never know her favorite food or what she sounds like when she cries. I will never know what it feels like to hold her in the middle of the night when she is sick or scared.

All I will ever know is the girl in the pictures that I get from time to time. I know that she likes Strawberry Shortcake and Dora the Explorer. I know that she travels to places I have never been before and that she is in karate and gymnastics. I know that she is happy and well taken care of. But I don't know much else....

I never thought being a birthmom would be this hard. When I was pregnant with her and I made the decision to place her, I thought that if I didn't get attached to the growing mass inside my belly, I would be ok. I didn't think I would love her and care about her as much as I do. I didn't think I would think about her every day and every night. I didn't think my heart would ache as I wonder if I will ever have an opportunity to meet her again. I didn't think I'd wonder if she would eventually care to meet me. I didn't think the thought of meeting one day would consume me as much as it does. With each passing day, she is getting older. With each month that passes, and each birthday that comes around, it is one step closer to her getting old enough to make that decision.

I often think about what I would do or say if I ever got the opportunity to meet my princess again. I have played out scenarios in my head of bumping into her and her family at the mall or at the Farmer's Market. I wonder if I would have the courage to say something or if I would just walk in the opposite direction. Better yet, I wonder if her parents would recognize me and completely ignore me. Wondering what I would say or do is a constant thought in my head, especially with the small world that we live in.

I guess I've been thinking alot of my little angel lately now that I am on my way to a more successful future. I thank her (and C)  for giving me the push I need to move forward in life to be a better, more successful person. Everyday, I strive to be a little better and push a little harder, because for the past 8 years, life has no longer been about me, it's been about my children. I promised that little girl the day I said goodbye to her that when she met me again, I would be someone she could be proud of, and thats what I am working towards: being the person both of my children could look up at and be proud of.

Getting Through

It's FINALLY Monday! I made it through and survived another Mothers Day. It took a lot of tears to get here, but it is over and done with for another year. Yay, for crossing another Hope-less Mother's Day off of the calender.

Getting out of bed yesterday was pretty rough. I woke up and the immense weight of the day and its meaning to me held me down. I didn't want to get up and do anything. I figured that if I hid out under my covers, the day would pass in an instant and Monday would come quicker. Yeah, not so much. Yesterday seemed like the longest day of the year to me.

Regardless of how much I miss Hope, I am still C's mom. Spending the day hibernating doesn't dismiss me of my motherly duties. I had no choice but to get out of bed, especially to go to church with him and mom. It took some struggle, but I got dressed and went to mass. I had to, especially since he had just done his First Communion the day before. I was so thankful that it wasn't such a Mothers Day focused mass and I was able to escape without getting watery eyes.

After getting through church, mom wanted to pick up stuff so we could barbecue at home. I felt like a zombie as we walked through Costco. It was the weirdest feeling to be walking around with my head up in the clouds. What was I thinking about? I have NO idea, but mentally, I wasn't there. We couldn't have finished shopping any quicker. The moment we got home was the worst. I went to my room and cried and cried and cried until I had no more tears left in me. It was the worst when my mom came in to check on me and tell me that she wanted me to spend time with the family, She saw that I was crying and asked what was wrong, and I started sobbing uncontrollably. She knew exactly what was wrong, and said, as nicely as possible, that she knows it's Mother's Day and that I am sad, but that I have to celebrate being the mother of the child I do have. She couldn't be more right, but I didn't want him to see me so sad. I wiped my tears and washed my face and went to spend time with the family. We had dinner and soon afterwards, I felt sick to my stomach. I couldn't stop throwing up after dinner. It was the first time my emotions made me physically sick.

Through all of this, all the anger I felt I took out on J. I was angry that he wasn't with me to save me from the pain I felt. I was mad that he had no clue as to what I was going through. I guess I was expecting him to be my prince charming and save me from such despair. I was a bitch through text. I was irritated that he didn't call me and just texted me. Everything bothered me and I took out all the anger and frustrations I had on him, which totally wasn't fair to him. Through a few mean texts, and a moment where I hung up on him, he sent me this text (which I hope he's ok with me sharing):

"If I could write a blog about dating a single mom and a Bm it would go like this ....Being in a relationship with a single mom and Bm has its challenges. There is no book out for me to deal with a single mother nor is there a book dealing with a Bm ...being selfish is out the window, something that I have done in the past. Knowing that there will alwAys be someone that comes before you is something I have learned to adjust to...I have asked myself at times if I'm ready to be with a single mother. Unlike other single mothers, M has no baby daddy drama which makes me love her more. Yes, lil C has been raised all alone with one person playing mom and dad, and with help of her parents she makes it. I see the struggle she endures on a daily bases, a lot of which I don't think many people could deal with. All I can say or do is promise her things will get better... That is just one aspect I have to deal with. M is also a bm. Birthmom is something I have never heard of until I met M. This aspect of her life is really a struggle bc I don't have anyone to ask for guidance on how to deal with my love crying and the hot and cold mood changes ...I don't know if I'm saying the right things or the right things that should be said ...all I can hope for is that in time I can be and deal with her better ...."

Needless to say I was in tears when I read this. I'm even in tears now I as I share this. It's amazing that after 5 months I know that J is the one person I can't see my life without. I haven't been the nicest person to him and he still managed to show me how much he cares about me. Underneath his manly gorilla ways, he has a soft heart and is sensitive to my needs, even if his response isn't immediately what I want. I have to remember that this is new to him and to most anyone else who isn't a birthmom, and I can't expect everyone to understand. I am thankful that he acknowledged not understanding and promised that it won't be like this next time around. I felt relief in knowing that he planned on there being for a next time around :)

All in all, I got through one of the most dreaded days of the year and I am determined to go back to normal. Actually, I almost feel normal this morning as I get my day started. I have nothing but gratefulness for the amazing love and support I have from the people who matter most. I am happy to know that while a piece of my heart will always be missing, the rest of my heart is filled to the brim with love and affection from the people who truly love and care about me. I really am a very lucky girl.

Birthmother's Weekend

For the past few weeks leading up to this weekend, I have been very emotional and withdrawn. It's been a battle to get through the days without crying. I've been sad about Mother's Day and even more sad about the fact that I was not making it to Charlotte, NC this year for the birthmother retreat from BMB. I didn't ever think that not going would affect me so much, but it did. Tremendously.

The one thing I have truly become so thankful for these past few days is that I am so lucky to have a boyfriend like J. He is is so amazing to me, and I have no words to describe his patience and willingness to accept me as I am, damaged goods and all. He is truly my prince charming, and someone I can't imagine my life without, especially when it comes to dealing with an emotional wreck such as myself. He has shown me what a real man is by being the arms to run to and the shoulder to cry on. He is the greatest gift, aside from my children, that God could have ever given me. He is truly the sunshine on my darkest days and is the best at trying to understand me when I could barely understand myself.

I found that the key to getting through times like these is keeping busy, because essentially, it keeps me off of facebook, which only makes me see more of what I am missing out on. Thankfully, I was able to keep busy all weekend, and I didn't get on FB that often. Despite a breakdown on Thursday night that made me want to hide under my covers and sleep through the next few days, I made it through and survived the weekend.

On Friday, I woke up dreading work. I felt so drained, and wanted to be anywhere but at work. I kept thinking about Charlotte, and how I wasn't there when I shoulda been there. I was thinking about the things I'd be doing if I was there and who I'd be spending time with. But instead, I was stuck working, which now that I think of it, was probably the best thing to me. Despite irritations with coworkers and a lack of patience on my part, I made it through the day and treated myself to a deluxe pedicure after work. I was able to spend a couple of hours with J, doing a little bit of shopping and a whole lot of crying. I was snappy, and short, and angry, and constantly had a hot/cold temperament. I really felt as though my emotions were uncontrollable, and I wished that I cold step outside my body, grab and shake myself to snap out of it, but I couldn't. I really wasn't myself, and I definitely showed my boyfriend a side of me he has never seen. When it came time to say goodbye, I didn't want to let him leave, because I felt like I just needed him. That day was probably one of the hardest times to see him drive off.

That night, I went out with my friend. I was bummed out that J decided not to go with us, but had been looking forward to spending some time with one of my main girl friends. Although I still wasn't much of myself, I tried to enjoy my night as much as I could. It was my opportunity to not think about the stuff that has clouded my mind. I'm thankful to have such a great friend to talk to and laugh with, who I could be myself and not worry about being judged.

The next day, after a rough morning, I was able to pick myself up enough to spend some time with J. He picked me up with flowers and a card in hand. I read the card and cried. It was the sweetest card anyone has ever given me. It read:

I know things aren't easy for you right now...

You may be wondering how you're going to deal with everything that's facing you.

But I know you -

you have a strong spirit -

and even though it might be hard for you to believe,

I know you have what it takes to get through this time.

And if you ever need to talk or if you'd like the support of a friend,

I'll always be here with open arms, a listening ear, and a loving shoulder to lean on.

And most important,

I'm here to remind you....

as often as you need...

that things are going to be okay.



That was the first time in a long time that I felt comforted to know that I truly am not alone in this. While he may not ever understand the feelings I endure as I miss my baby, he does the very best he possibly could to offer me the love and support as a boyfriend. He has done the most amazing job ever, and it made me cry to know that I have such a wonderful man by my side. I was practically speechless, and anyone who knows me knows what a huge feat that is.

J and I decided to have drinks and appetizers while trying to decide what we were going to have for dinner. I have never cooked for him during the past 5 months since we started dating, and so I agreed to make dinner. It felt good to spend time together without the rush of daily life. It was nice to enjoy one another's company as we shopped for groceries, and went home to cuddle on the couch and watch tv together. It was a nice change of pace to watch the UFC fight in his arms, and cook dinner for him while he enjoyed the fights. It felt amazing to sit down at a dinner table with no one else to worry about but ourselves. I love the feeling of comfort and warmth that he provides me with. I've never felt so safe from harm. He is everything I could have ever asked God for, and more.

All good things come to an end, and before we knew it, it was late. So Saturday ended, and in came Sunday. It was a new day of feeling refreshed and full of life. I made it a point to enjoy the last day of C's spring break with him. We went to have breakfast and to the Festival of Books at USC with my parents. It was a beautiful 90 degree day - the kind of day where you thank God for the beautiful flowers and trees and for family. I enjoyed spending quality time with C, as he always has such a knack for putting a smile on my face. It was a nice way to end my weekend as well. It was the kind of weekend that almost made me forget why I have been so sad, and instead made me grateful for what I have.

There won't be a day that goes by without me thinking about Hope, but I don't have to travel across the country to be with my "sisters" to honor her. Granted, I miss being with the only women who could truly understand the feelings I feel because they feel them too, I am quite blessed to be able to honor her here with the people I care about and who care about me too. I've learned that just because someone doesn't completely understand the feelings and pain that I have associated with this time of year, doesn't mean that they don't love me. The fact that they try makes a world of difference and at the end of they day I find myself thanking God for making me one of the luckiest women in the world. <3

Who Am I?

I realized that I can't just start a post without even introducing myself. I'm C&H's Mama. I am a 28 year old woman who has been through her fair share of ups and downs and has survived them all to tell about it. I am C's mama. He's my totally amazing 7 1/2 year old son who I'd give the world to. I've been a single mom since he was a month old, and we have found ourselves doing alot of growing up together. He's my totally amazing 7 1/2 year old son who I'd give the world to. I am extremely blessed to have such a great kid like him in my life.

I am also a birthmom to Hope. She is a completely adorable little angel who is 5 1/2 years old. She was adopted at birth by an incredible couple who love her to death. We have a semi-open adoption. Our agreement was pictures and letters 4 times a year (if I'm lucky). While it can be frustrating at times, I am totally thankful that she was placed to such a loving family who want only the best things for her. I sometimes wish our adoption plan had been formatted differently, but I knew very little at the time of what I was getting myself into at the time of placement. While I miss her with all of my heart, I don't regret the adoption at all., especially when I see that smiley face of hers in the pictures I get.

My life has certainly had its fair share of struggles, and nothing about what I've gone through has been easy. If I were to sit here and write about everything in my life that has gotten me to this point in my life where I feel compelled to share my thoughts and feelings to the world, I would be writing for days. But I'm not going to. Instead, I am going to share little by little what has made me ME, and what it's like to live everyday with a piece of my heart missing, all while trying to be strong for my son and everyone and everything else around me. If this blog helps someone one day, and they say, "Hey, I never thought anyone else in the world felt like that" or "Wow, I guess I'm not alone afterall", then this blog would be so incredibly worth it.