It's Coming

((WARNING: I'm not sure how much sense this post might make as I try to type between sobs and through tears. This was the only available place to get out all the feelings I have inside of me at this hour))

September 9th

It's about a month and a half away. No, I don't need a calendar to remind me, nor do I need an alert on my phone or a sticky on my computer at work. I need a hug.

In a month and a half, my baby girl will be 6 years old. It will be 6 years since my life changed forever. 6 years since I gave birth to the piece of my heart I will never fully get back. It will be 6 years since that tiny little hand held onto my finger as I hoped and prayed to remember that day forever. Here I am, 6 years since, and I struggle to remember her as a newborn.

While I have her birthday written on my calendar, my heart needs no reminder of what is coming up in the near future. I feel it. I don't want to, but I do, and I carry the pain of missing her everywhere I go with me. I thought that surely this year would be different since I am in a better place in my life. I thought that this could possibly be the year that I would get through the painful parts and be just fine when it came to celebrating her birth and the life she would have not had had it not been for me. I thought that since I am happy, and growing into a successful woman, mother, and possibly future wife, that I would embrace her birthday with grace and only maybe a little bit of tears.

Well, I guess my heart has different plans than my thoughts as I sit here with tears in my eyes after having a ridiculous "Good Night" talk with J. After a long day of work, all he wants is a little talk about the day and what we did or saw. I was distant and withdrawn for most of our conversation and said something I shouldn't have. He didn't deserve the inappropriate comment I made, and although I recognize that it was probably a bad idea to say what I said, I didn't stop myself. The ugly side of me is starting to come out. The side where I self-sabotage and push everyone away as I shrink into a ball and feel sad as the anniversary of her "loss" approaches.

I'm sure a lot of people don't realize how much of a loss placing a child for adoption is. Actually, I don't know what it is people think of anyone who has placed a child for adoption. I find it to be so much more difficult than an actual loss of a loved one to death, as with adoption, you know that there is a piece of your actual flesh and blood walking around out there in the world. I know that there are very few people who could understand the pain in my heart and how much I miss this little person who is well and alive, but who I cannot touch, or hug, or kiss. There are even fewer people who know what it's like to hang out near the mailbox to wait for the pictures and letters she was promised four times a year only to be disappointed when it has always come up empty.

I have too much going on in my life to let all of this affect me as it has, but the more I try to fight it, the more it affects me in my subconscious. I dream about beautiful baby girls, crying in a distance, who I cannot manage a way to help.  I see little girls everywhere I go and fight the urge to cry as I wonder what my Hope is like. I have nightmares of not being able to have more babies and of her not ever wanting to meet me. I deal with all the real feelings and emotions that those Teen Mom shows forget to show you.

It's going to be a real struggle to emotionally get through this next month and a half. I know I have a good boyfriend by my side, so it will be even harder to try not to let my grief and emotions get in the way and self-sabotage what I have worked so hard for the past 7 1/2 months in my relationship. I know it's up to me to communicate things like this instead of the bad thoughts, but its hard for me to come out and say that I'm F'd up in the head because I miss my daughter. He's always saying how strong I am, and I hate appearing weak and fragile. It's not something I strive to be.

I will probably write a ton of blogs between now and Hope's birthday. It seems to be the only way I can get out all the feelings and emotions I have and probably the safest alternative to taking it out on J. I really hope and pray that we will make it through this, stronger than ever. I hope that he can learn more about me by going through this with me and that he doesn't decide to leave my side because I am a mess. I pray for myself to learn to deal with the emotions I feel in a much more positive way than I have done in the past. I have come too far along to lose it all again because I miss my baby. I promised that child I would be someone she could be proud of, and that's who I strive to be. I just have to prepare myself, because the floods of tears are coming....

June Gloom

The weather as of lately has been really weird. It's been gloomy, and cold, and then warm in the afternoons, and then cold again at night. It's really annoying when figuring out what to wear in the morning, and very hard to make plans to do something fun in the sun when there is really no sun. I guess my moods have been matching this weather lately, and I'm pretty tired of it.

I've had a pretty rough week or so. I'd like to attribute it to the fact that dad has been gone and I miss my morning and after work carpool buddy, but I don't think that's entirely the case. A lot has changed lately, and as I've said in a previous blog post, I'm not big on change.

Last week, J and I had a moment when I almost thought it was over for good. I can honestly admit, that the issue of pushing him away when I need him the most is my own. I wish I could change being that way, but it's hard. I've never been in such a healthy loving relationship, and am so used to people giving up on me when times get tough. I guess pushing him away kinda protects me from getting hurt and given up on. With all that he is going through trying to manage both a full time work and school schedule, I am trying to learn to adjust to the change in our relationship and accept that I am no longer a priority of his, but it is hard. We went from spending most of his days off together, to now seeing each other two days a week, if we are lucky. It's difficult because I feel like we have spent more time missing each other than actually together.

I've always firmly believed in the saying that people come into your life for a reason. We got a new intern at work who started last week. She was explaining to me that she has been in a long distance relationship with her boyfriend over the course of the past year or so. She's here in California, and he is in D.C. She said that they have regularly scheduled Skype dates and that they see each other one every month or so. She says it's been difficult, but that it is worth it because they love each other. Talking to her and hearing her story made me appreciate our situation. While we are not across the country from one another (although sometimes it feels like that), seeing each other once or twice a week is a whole lot better than once a month. I realized that the sacrifices we are making right now are going to be worth it in the long run when we are both successful and (hopefully) married with a family of our own. I have decided that rather than complain about the time apart from one another, I need to suck it up and just appreciate the time we do have, as well as be a strong woman, and help my man instead of give him more problems to add to his plate.

In addition to our relationship issues, I have been feeling pretty lonely. I realized that because my time with J has been so limited, I have so often turned down opportunities to do things with my friends. Since J had plans to take his dad out on Saturday night for Father's Day (since he had to work on Sunday), I found myself with free time, and an urge to go out and have a good time. I text about 5 different female friends, and all of them were "busy" doing other things. I felt like long gone are the days of including me in their plans, and it is certainly understandable. I have comfortably fallen into the cycle of relationship life, and I no longer fit in with my single friends. I know that I can count on those girls if I really really needed them, but expecting to be included in their plans like before is out of the question.

On top of all of that, my family issues have really been getting to me as well. I feel like the moment dad is gone, my siblings take it as an opportunity to take advantage. I hate how disrespectful they are and cannot stand how they walk all over my mother. I hate that when they are home, I lock myself away in my room, drowning in Army Wives episodes on Netflix on my laptop. I wish I had a real family. One who loved and supported each other, during both the good and bad times. I have told J several times that I find it very sad that I feel more comfortable being at his house, eating dinner with his family, than I do with my own. Its highly disturbing and heartbreaking that I don't even trust my family.

Yesterday was Father's Day. It was the first Father's Day that my dad wasn't here for, and frankly, that depressed me more than anything. He sent me a text yesterday morning, from Mexico, that said that he wished he could have a talk with his dad (who passed away a few years ago) so that he could see what a good man and good father he has become. He said that even though we don't agree on things sometimes, he will always love me. It made me miss him so much more to know that it will be another week before I get to give him a hug.

All dad wanted for Father's Day was for the 5 of us to do something together, to celebrate him even though he wasn't here. Upon getting ready, I realized that half of my makeup stash is missing. Absolutely GONE. Along with a lot of my wardrobe. I was so angry and frustrated that I work hard to buy things for myself, and to find it all missing. It is heart breaking and absolutely irritating that my sisters have found a way to break into my room and steal my things and my mom doesn't do anything about it. I guess my frustration erupted in a not so nice way. Mom suggested we go to Applebees. I don't like Applebees so I said so. Little did I know that would begin World War III. I got called names by my sisters. They said I was ungrateful and not a part of the family, so I said fine, I'm not going. I'm not going to sit at a table and pretend like I am happy. I felt really bad because it was my dad's wish for us to be together, but I just couldn't do it. They left, and took C with them, and I locked myself away in my room crying because I really can't stand my living situation much longer.

It really hurt me when I got a text from my mom after they got home saying: "I really wish you had gone with us. One day I will find out why you hate me so much. I'm sorry for whatever I did to make you feel like that. I still love you" and again, another text from her this morning asking: "Are you still very upset at me? Can we be friends again?" That's when it hit me that one of the main problems our family has is that probably because we are grown now, my mom is no longer trying to be a mom, and is desperately trying to be a friend. I don't need a friend. I need my mother. I need her to set boundaries and to give me the support that I need. I need her to understand that just because I am independent does not mean that I don't care about her or that I don't want her in my life. I need her to understand that not only do I need her to be a mom, she needs to be a mom to my sisters instead of their friend. That's why it's so easy for them to manipulate and control her, because she wants their acceptance rather than set up boundaries and make them follow them.

Looking at the situation, from the outside looking in, I realize how much our family needs therapy. They can use me as a scapegoat and blame me for their issues all they want, but I know within myself that they just don't want to take accountability for their own problems. It's not my fault they can't get a job or do something productive with their lives. It's not my fault they are in relationships that are unhappy and verbally abusive. They can blame it all on me getting pregnant at a young age and my choice to place Hope for adoption without consulting anyone else, but blame and the lack of accountability will get them nowhere in life.

The sun has finally peeked through the clouds, and the morning June gloom has finally gone away. I think by writing and sharing my feelings about all that has been bothering me has helped me realize a lot of things. I have a lot going for myself. I am strong and determined, motivated to make a difference for myself and my son. I am doing my best to wake up every day and live my life the way I want it to be lived, as I know that only I can make my life the way I want it to be. Only I can be held accountable for my actions, for the good and the bad that I do. I can't let anyone, or anything affect me or try to stop me from reaching my goals. Bye-bye, June gloom. There's only room for sunny days on this calendar.

Getting Through

It's FINALLY Monday! I made it through and survived another Mothers Day. It took a lot of tears to get here, but it is over and done with for another year. Yay, for crossing another Hope-less Mother's Day off of the calender.

Getting out of bed yesterday was pretty rough. I woke up and the immense weight of the day and its meaning to me held me down. I didn't want to get up and do anything. I figured that if I hid out under my covers, the day would pass in an instant and Monday would come quicker. Yeah, not so much. Yesterday seemed like the longest day of the year to me.

Regardless of how much I miss Hope, I am still C's mom. Spending the day hibernating doesn't dismiss me of my motherly duties. I had no choice but to get out of bed, especially to go to church with him and mom. It took some struggle, but I got dressed and went to mass. I had to, especially since he had just done his First Communion the day before. I was so thankful that it wasn't such a Mothers Day focused mass and I was able to escape without getting watery eyes.

After getting through church, mom wanted to pick up stuff so we could barbecue at home. I felt like a zombie as we walked through Costco. It was the weirdest feeling to be walking around with my head up in the clouds. What was I thinking about? I have NO idea, but mentally, I wasn't there. We couldn't have finished shopping any quicker. The moment we got home was the worst. I went to my room and cried and cried and cried until I had no more tears left in me. It was the worst when my mom came in to check on me and tell me that she wanted me to spend time with the family, She saw that I was crying and asked what was wrong, and I started sobbing uncontrollably. She knew exactly what was wrong, and said, as nicely as possible, that she knows it's Mother's Day and that I am sad, but that I have to celebrate being the mother of the child I do have. She couldn't be more right, but I didn't want him to see me so sad. I wiped my tears and washed my face and went to spend time with the family. We had dinner and soon afterwards, I felt sick to my stomach. I couldn't stop throwing up after dinner. It was the first time my emotions made me physically sick.

Through all of this, all the anger I felt I took out on J. I was angry that he wasn't with me to save me from the pain I felt. I was mad that he had no clue as to what I was going through. I guess I was expecting him to be my prince charming and save me from such despair. I was a bitch through text. I was irritated that he didn't call me and just texted me. Everything bothered me and I took out all the anger and frustrations I had on him, which totally wasn't fair to him. Through a few mean texts, and a moment where I hung up on him, he sent me this text (which I hope he's ok with me sharing):

"If I could write a blog about dating a single mom and a Bm it would go like this ....Being in a relationship with a single mom and Bm has its challenges. There is no book out for me to deal with a single mother nor is there a book dealing with a Bm ...being selfish is out the window, something that I have done in the past. Knowing that there will alwAys be someone that comes before you is something I have learned to adjust to...I have asked myself at times if I'm ready to be with a single mother. Unlike other single mothers, M has no baby daddy drama which makes me love her more. Yes, lil C has been raised all alone with one person playing mom and dad, and with help of her parents she makes it. I see the struggle she endures on a daily bases, a lot of which I don't think many people could deal with. All I can say or do is promise her things will get better... That is just one aspect I have to deal with. M is also a bm. Birthmom is something I have never heard of until I met M. This aspect of her life is really a struggle bc I don't have anyone to ask for guidance on how to deal with my love crying and the hot and cold mood changes ...I don't know if I'm saying the right things or the right things that should be said ...all I can hope for is that in time I can be and deal with her better ...."

Needless to say I was in tears when I read this. I'm even in tears now I as I share this. It's amazing that after 5 months I know that J is the one person I can't see my life without. I haven't been the nicest person to him and he still managed to show me how much he cares about me. Underneath his manly gorilla ways, he has a soft heart and is sensitive to my needs, even if his response isn't immediately what I want. I have to remember that this is new to him and to most anyone else who isn't a birthmom, and I can't expect everyone to understand. I am thankful that he acknowledged not understanding and promised that it won't be like this next time around. I felt relief in knowing that he planned on there being for a next time around :)

All in all, I got through one of the most dreaded days of the year and I am determined to go back to normal. Actually, I almost feel normal this morning as I get my day started. I have nothing but gratefulness for the amazing love and support I have from the people who matter most. I am happy to know that while a piece of my heart will always be missing, the rest of my heart is filled to the brim with love and affection from the people who truly love and care about me. I really am a very lucky girl.

Blah

I've never had a word describe my feelings as good as "Blah" can. The constant up and down, hot and cold has been pretty awful. I hate this roller coaster, and want off of it. I just want to go back to normal, and I am hoping that once Mother's Day passes, I will be back to being the happy, positive chick I've always been.

There's been a lot of stuff brewing inside my head and sometimes, I just want to shut it all off. I so desperately wanted to stay home, under the covers this morning, but that wasn't possible. I wanted just one day of solitude, to actually cry and let the emotions out in hopes that it will make me feel better. Soooooooo much for that because I am currently writing this blog from work.

On Wednesday, J and I celebrated 5 months of dating with a nice dinner at a local resort. It was the perfect evening, allowing us to enjoy each other's company in the warmth of spring. I really make it a point to try and enjoy every moment spent together, because in all actuality, we don't have much time for each other. It was a nice moment of relaxation and indulgence of good drinks, decent food, and amazing company. I wish the whole night could've lasted longer than just a couple of hours, because being in his arms is where I always feel the safest.

I feel like this whole week, I've been having to kick myself in the butt to do things. To get work done, to act like I'm interested in things. I find that deep down, I'm slightly bitter and angry. On Wednesday night, I had a dream that I had killed some random person who broke into my house. It was the oddest dream ever, and it really bothered me to have such morbid thoughts. I researched dream meanings and read that those type of dreams indicate suppressed anger and frustrations with situations that cannot be changed. I guess, in this case, it was my subconscious, surfacing anger within me that I haven't verbally voiced. Just what is it that I am so angry about?

I think a big part of the anger I have inside of me is towards my family. I KNOW that's where a large part of my anger is directed towards. Case in point: Tomorrow is C's First Holy Communion. In my opinion, it's supposed to be a special day for him. Something for him to always remember. With alot of things going on in our extended family (news of family members being really, really sick), my parents didn't want to have anything at home. I was trying to think of things we could do that would be fun and memorable for C. I decided we'd go to one of the local pizza places that have games that he could play. C really enjoyed that idea.

Yesterday, my dad came home and said he made reservations at a Mexican restaurant for after church on Saturday. I was speechless. I am his MOTHER. Why didn't anyone consult me before doing so? What was I supposed to say now? "Cancel your reservations, I don't want to go there"? I understand that he didn't have any ill-intentions, but at the same time, I don't think he understood that he was overstepping his boundaries. J got on my case for not opening my mouth and putting my foot down, but I know my family and know that they are quick to jump on my case and address my faults when I stand up for myself and contest something they do or say, especially regarding my son. It's an awful situation to be in and I hate it. Unfortunately, though, that's the story of my life when it comes to my family.

Today, I am feeling worse off than I did yesterday. J is stuck working a 48-hour shift which means our usual Friday ritual is broken, which really sucks when I miss him so much. Also, I am overwhelmed with a long to-do list of things that need to be done for tomorrow. On top of that, I am pretty emotional, and it isn't taking much to set me off into a teary-eyed mess. I wanted to call off of work today, and J gave me a hard time about it. He has a valid point as to why, but at the same time, I felt frustrated with the fact that he wasn't in my shoes. It's not like I have a car to get to places to do what needs to get done. I don't have anyone really helping me. But such is life, and I'll figure out a way to get through it and have all the items on my list checked off by tonight.

"Tough times never last, but tough people do."  

- Robert H. Schuller

I keep telling myself that it's only a few more days ahead of me that I have to get through. I am reminding myself that tomorrow is a day of celebration of accomplishment in C's life. I have got to be strong and put a smile on my face, even if I feel "blah" on the inside, if not for myself, for C. I know I will get through it, but it's always tough when I feel alone with my thoughts and feelings. One hour at a time, I guess. I just hope I don't kill anyone between now and then.