Realization

This week has been filled with a multitude of emotions. I've been doing a lot of thinking while working away all this fat on the elliptical. I guess my mind uses workout time to rehash what is going on in my life and figures out a game plan to approach the things thrown at me in a better way.

I'm extremely and genuinely happy. I have things working out for me in the best possible way. I am strong, smart, motivated and determined to succeed, whether or not I have people behind me along the way. I can't remember the last time I felt this good about myself, and I feel like I'm steps closer to being back to the girl I used to be when I first started J. It's been a journey and a half, but I finally feel like I'm not stuck in an emotional rut. I'm going places.

Despite my happiness, it has been a rough week. I found out one of my coworkers just found out she has cancer, stage 3. It's brought a depressing mood to work and it has really dampened my mood a bit too. It put me into thinking mode as this coworker is an adoptive mom to two twin seventh grade girls. I thought about how no child should ever have to see their mom go through that. In addition to that, I thought of how I feel as a birthmom, and how scared I would be if something ever happened to my daughter's mom. Afterall, she is who I chose to raise her and protect her (along with her daddy) for the rest of her life. I don't know, I guess that just affected my thought process more than a normal incident with a coworker would, mainly because our connection of her being an A-mom and be being a B-mom.

In addition to the emotions related to the coworker news, I've gone through a rollercoaster of emotions about FINALLY getting a car! Yes! FINALLY! No more riding the bus or depending on others to give me rides places. No more asking my parents to use their car or relying on them to do things for me and C. It's been a long journey until this point, but it has been well worth it. I am ready to put my big girl panties on and take on the responsibility of having a car payment in addition to my other bills. I don't think I could have done this without the support from J. He has pushed me to want to be the best woman I could be, and I'm grateful for his help of pushing me when I dont think I can push any more. 

I was really bummed out when I called the Honda dealer and spoke to the salesman my mom dealt with a couple of weeks ago for her car. I gave him my information and he called me back to say that my credit wasn't good and I would need a cosigner. He said your mom's credit is great and she can cosign for you. Umm, yeah right... not in a million years. I took that news really hard and felt like my dreams of having a car would go down the drain. J said he would cosign for me, but I had mixed emotions of having to put him in that position. 

Yesterday, J and I stopped at the Kia dealership. We browsed around and looked at the cars. We spoke with a really sweet sales guy and he let us test drive the Optima, which I fell in love with. It's a beautiful car, comparable with the Lexus and other high end cars. When we went back to the dealership to run numbers, we found out that I wasn't eligible to get the Optima with my credit but that I could get the Forte, which was really nice. We test drove the Forte, which I really liked a lot as well, and decided on that. The payments are fairly reasonable and within our price range. I was really happy that I was able to get a car I liked at a reasonable price. We have an appointment next week to take care of everything, and by this time next week, I should have a beautiful black Kia Forte sitting in my driveway.

My mom text me a few hours later and I told her where I had been for the past three hours or so. I told her I was going to get a Kia and she was like "umm, really?" She was the complete opposite of supportive, instead telling me that a plane ticket to my friend's wedding in August was more important than getting a car.... umm excuse me, but WTF?!

I came to a MAJOR realization. The last time I got a car, my family gave me the hardest time. I got told I thought I was better than everyone else because I got a car, when all actuality, I was working and going to school and doing the things I needed to do. I will never forget the day when my parents and my sister accused me of the absurdest things, and wondering where the F all of that came from. I haven't even gotten my car yet and I am already starting to see the pattern continue. I am getting no support from my own family. I have no one here telling me they are happy for me and I think I know why...

By me having to take the bus or rely on using their car to do things, they are able to control the type of things I do with MY son. They are the ones who have let me use the car when it was convenient to them and it was always on their terms. If I needed to go to the gym a mile away, I needed to put gas in their car. I had to wait for them. I was always grateful for being able to use their car, and it is something they seemed to hold over my head so that they could still maintain their control of what I did and where I went and with who, especially when it came to my relationship with C. I wish they would just be happy for me, and unfortunately I know they aren't, and that sucks. But it is what it is...

I'm glad that I'm in a clearer state of mind and I can see things i was unable to see clearly before. I'm in a better place to understand the reasons why things are the way they are between us, and I get it. It's sad, but I get it, and it is what it is. If being successful and achieving all the things I've worked so hard towards is a sign that I think I'm better than them, so be it. I'm better and that's a good thing...

Turning a New Leaf

When I look back at my previous post, I realize how much my life has changed completely within a matter of a few weeks. I'm almost embarrassed at how needy I was feeling, just less than a month ago. I had so much anger and anxiety over things that were out of my control and I really had no way to tame my emotional outburts and sadness. I felt like a ticking time bomb who was so ugly on the inside. I felt like waiting for therapy to begin would only push me over the edge and I would lose everything I've worked so hard to have, especially my relationship.

I have been blessed to have a supportive, patient man in my life who tries his best to understand that I'd been going through a tough time. But no matter how patient he was, there was no excuse for him being my "emotional punching bag" as he called it. He was ready to walk away and I was devastated. I told him I wanted to change and that all I was waiting on was to be called by the counseling agency to start therapy, but I really wasn't sure of when that would happen. I felt desperate. I missed being happy.

I woke up one day and realized that I needed to start to change my life with feeling better about myself. I can't expect J, or anything or anyone else for that matter to make me happy if I wasn't happy with me. I could never expect love when I didn't love myself first. A big part of my unhappiness has been with my appearance.

The first thing I did was cut my past shoulder length hair to a bob. Yup, I chopped it all off. I decided one night while on the couch with J that I needed that kind of change and the next day, I was at the salon asking for a longer bob. Even the guy at the salon asked: "Are you SURE?" As I left those 6+ inches of old hair on the floor of the salon that day, I felt like it symbolized the "old me" that I no longer wanted to be.

The week after I cut my hair, I decided that I needed a lifestyle change. Through the past few weeks, I have started to change my eating habits, as well as have started working out nearly 5 days a week. I have become addicted to going to the gym after a long day at work. I have started to long the feeling of sweat dripping down my face and back, as well as that feeling of being out of breath after a good workout. I didn't realize how much of a HUGE change this would bring to my life and I almost feel like a completely different person.

All of a sudden, I have confidence. I am confident in ME, in everything I do: work, school, my relationship with J, my relationship with C, my relationship with my family, and even my relationship with people I couldn't tolerate previously. I feel so incredibly good about myself, I am positive and upbeat and have the amazing attitude I always wished I could have. I have no words to explain how much making a few changes in my life have impacted me. It's been a tremendous change.

One of the biggest changes in my life is that normally, at this time of year, I'm an emotional wreck. Mother's Day is always a sore subject and I am a BITCH. Yes, I admit it. But this year, I feel different. I don't really think it's about my acceptance of the adoption, but more so, my acceptance with myself. I've come to the realization that the person who holds the key to my happiness is ME. I am the only one who can determine how my day will go and what kind of mood I should be in. No one else should have that type of power over me. Granted, I still have my off days here and there, they are nothing compared to the mess I was before.

In addition to the sense of happiness I feel, I find that it is easier to tolerate people I could hardly even be in the same room as before. One person in particular who has irked me for the longest time (mainly because she reminded me so much of the person I used to be in my old life) has been so much easier to tolerate. In addition to tolerance, I realize that I want to share my happiness with others and find myself inviting others to joining me in the lifestyle change I've been making. I've even invited this particular person to the gym with me. For anyone who knows who I am talking about, that is a HUGE step.

My relationship with J has gotten a lot better. Besides an argument on Easter Sunday where I found myself to be more emotional than usual, we have been pretty happy, even enjoying an unusual weekend out with friends instead of our usual homework and responsibility laden Saturday and Sundays. I am so blessed to have someone who supports me and the changes I'm making in my life, and I am so glad that he is on board with making a change for himself too. We have started going to the gym together when we can, and he is also dieting as well. It's so much more motivating when you have someone who is pushing right along with you to make the best choices possible.

I am finally happy... and it feels damn good!