Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

It has been 3 1/2 days since I last saw J. The last time I saw him was Saturday, when he and I went to the movies after C's soccer game. Sadly, the next time I will see him will be Friday afternoon - I HOPE! This is probably the longest we have ever gone in our whole relationship without seeing each other.

I realized today how much I miss him. I mean, i've known all along how much I miss him, but today it really hit me how much. I'm so used to seeing him multiple times a week, and so just the thought of going 5 1/2 days without each other is tough. I'm pretty bummed out and super grumpy about this change. Before J started school, I had a feeling it would be like this, but I didn't think it would be this difficult for me.

With J having started the program, he is inundated with assignments that he needs to work on. That and the financial strain of the cost of his education on top of his regular expenses has made it difficult to come out and see me like he would. I completely understand the situation, and wish that there was something I could do to change it. But at the moment, there isn't.

One of the things J always makes fun of is that I think alot. I overthink and over analyze and think of worst case scenarios. I'm a nut, I know, but I can't help it. Its one of my flaws. I have come to the realization that during the past nearly 6 months, the burden of seeing each other has fallen on his shoulders since I don't have a car. We don't live very close to each other (25 miles between our houses) and yet he manages to pick me up and take me out to wherever we go. Granted it was like this in the old days of dating, where men courted women, I don't like that this has been his role. I feel helpless and stuck. I wish I had a car so that I could come to him when need be, and the burden could be shared between the both of us. Unfortunately, it's not an option at the moment.

I think what has really made me miss him more is that lately, I have been seeing quite a few blogs and articles containg engagement and wedding pictures. I have always enjoyed living vicariously through those pictures, probably because I always felt like I would never be so lucky. Never in my life have I wanted to be in my own set of pictures like I do with him. I think about all the possibilities for engagement photos and wedding locations. I'm a dork.. which is funny because never in my life have I thought about those things for myself.

Nearly 6 months into our relationship, I KNOW deep in my heart that J is the one for me. I know that I cannot go a day without hearing from him through text, im, or phone call. I know that he is the one who makes me smile and laugh when I'm having a blah day. He is the one who gives me strength when I feel like giving up. He motivates me to be the best person I could be, in all aspects of my life. I love who I am when I am with him, and I love the way he makes me feel. More importantly, I love that C is so comfortable around him, and I appreciate how protected he feels when we are with him. I can't imagine what my life would have been like without him in it. He truly inspires me to do the best I can because the end result is spending the rest of our lives together, and I want nothing more than that.

I never imagined my life wanting to wake up next to the same person everyday. I never thought about sharing a home and a family with someone. I never desired the things that I desire with him. Here I am, the girl who swore up and down growing up that I would never get married or have children, being a mom and hoping to one day be a wife... not just any wife, HIS WIFE.

Oh wow, that was just weird to say out loud. lol

It's almost amazing what a few days apart will make you realize. It has made me realize that J has taught me how to love whole heartedly. Little by little, he is teaching me that it's ok to trust and let go of all that I have held onto from my past. He is truly the sunshine on my dark and cloudy days. While I can't predict the future, and I know that the road ahead of us will be tough, I really hope that this relationship works out in a way that we both want it to. I am slowly learning to take life as it comes without having to overanalyze everything, and to be ok with opening up completely to him. I have to learn that if for some reason it doesn't work, then I take what I learned from him and US and apply it to the rest of my life. BUT, I doubt we won't work out, we're just way too awesome together...