I almost don't even know where to begin with this post. It's 12am and I just got back from a great date night with J and yet I am in tears and feel so alone.
Lately we've been going through tremendous ups and downs. He's unsure of the future, with me. All talks of engagement, of babies, of the future, have ceased and it has really hurt my heart a lot. This is someone who I've seen a future with from the start, someone who I consider to be my soulmate, the one person who completes me and he's unsure of me being the one for him. I'm not really sure of what happened that made him change, and it has led me to go through a range of various emotions as of lately. It's difficult for me to be ok with that, but I love him and I have faith that he will figure it out eventually.
Until that eventually comes, I find that I have an extremely hard time being happy for the people around us who are growing and planning for their futures. I struggle with good news from friends that I'd otherwise be happy for because I feel like I'll never be so lucky. Is never a harsh word? Yes, but with the way things have been, I fear that it is probably the best word to describe how much at an arms length I've been to J.
It's been incredibly difficult not to wonder what the eff is wrong with me. It's tough not to be mad at myself for not being everything and anything he could possibly desire. I feel ugly, outside and inside, and I feel like I'm temporary until something better comes along his way.
I know this is more my issues than him. I've told myself that I am great, I am strong, I am beautiful, I have come a long way throughout my 29 years and that if it doesn't work out between us, as least I got to experience real and unconditional love for the first time in my life... But this is hard. All of it....
In one week I have found out one of my dearest friends in pregnant and I am truly happy for her, as this is something that she has wanted for so so long. In addition, I have had also had two friends/acquaintances get engaged, and it has truly taken me for a loop to see people who haven't endured half the battle that we have get the "prize". I know that this isn't a race and that if it is meant to be, it will be, but it is difficult to think that it isn't even something that J wants to discuss anymore like he used to.
I'm tired of crying when I'm alone. I'm tired of hurting and feeling like I'm going to end up like some crazy, single cat lady. I hate that I can't be a good friend and be happy to my newly engaged friends (I AM happy for my pregnant friend and she knows it). I want things to be back to normal. I want us to go back to playing pretend and to making plans for the future together. Whether it was all make believe or not, it meant something to me and I miss it. I miss the feeling that I could be his soulmate as much as I believe he is mine.
Maybe things will smooth out and get better. Maybe he will come to his senses and realize that he has an amazing woman who he could only be so lucky to have on his side for the rest of his life.. Who knows... Like I said, it's in God's hands and I have to have a lil (ok, maybe a lot) of faith that things will work out for the best...
