Hot & Cold

Today is the kind of day that makes you think about how awesome it is to live in Southern California. It's 90 degrees outside, sunny, clear and beautiful. It's the kind of day that has me wishing I wasn't stuck at work, and instead out running through the sprinklers in my bathing suit, like when we were kids.

I miss being a kid...

It's so easy to be a kid. The biggest responsibility is making sure homework gets done and there are good grades on the report card. There is Christmas break, and spring break and summer vacation. There is the expectation of learning and having fun, and laughter is the constant sound out of a happy child's mouth. There are no worries about bills or relationships, or about what the next step in life may be. It was super easy.

Sometimes I wish I could go back, but I'm sure we all wish for that from time to time.

Like the always changing weather, I have been in a hot & cold kind of mood lately. Keeping busy all weekened had helped keep my moods under control a little bit, but I seem to be having a hard time when I'm not super busy. I find that my thoughts race, and I am constantly thinking about things I have no control over. Alot of "What ifs" and "I should have..." But like dad would always say, shoulda, woulda coulda, but didn't, and there's nothing I can do to change the past. What's done is done.

I find myself stressing over alot of things, such as how am I going to pay for C's tuition? When am I ever going to be able to afford a car of my own? When will life stop being about struggling each week until the next pay check? When can I move out on my own? When will the transition from being a kid to an adult actually happen for me, because I surely don't feel like the adult I thought I would be at this age. I feel so down about the decisions I have made that have gotten me to where I'm at in my life. I always thought I'd be more advanced and in a way better place. Instead, I am working at a non-profit that doesn't pay as much as I wish it would pay; I live at home with my parents; I'm a single mom who is struggling to give her child the basic necessities; I'm not even done with school yet. I am so afraid I won't be able to get out of this rut and continue to be a nobody for the rest of my life.

Buuuutttt.... I can't keep worrying about what happened yesterday, or what's gonna happen tomorrow... I gotta keep living for today. Its just so much easier said than done...

 I gotta learn how to shut off this hot & cold I have inside of me. I have to decide if I'm going to put on a happy face or a sad one, because I feel so bipolar right now. One minute things are good and the next I'm raging and taking out my anger on the people closest to me. I'm sure alot of it has to do with the fact that Mother's Day and Birthmother's Day is literally right around the corner. Once again, its those crazy emotions that just can't seem to control themselves.

Today is 5 months since J and I went on our first date. These have been 5 of the best months of my life. I have never been so thankful to have such an amazing support system. He is truly my strength on my weakest days, and I forgot what life was like before he came into the picture. I'm looking foroward to the date that I have planned for us later on. Hopefully this hot & cold feeling will disappear, for at least a little while