Sisters

I have always learned that you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family. I always thought that sounded so cliche, but the older I get the more I believe it. Sadly, after 28 years, I am stuck with the family I have been given and nothing aside from creating my own will change that.

I have two sisters, E and D. Between E and I is 4 years, and between D and I is a 7 year age gap. All three of us are as different as night and day. I'd like to say that despite our differences, we are as close as can be... but then I would be lying. I don't know when this rivalry between us sisters began, but it has been there since the beginning and it doesn't look like there will be an end in sight.

The girls and I have never gotten along. Verbal, physical, emotional fighting has always gone on in this house between us three. For years and years my parents would talk about how much it hurt them to see the way we fought and told us time and time again that we needed to stick together because if something happened to them, we would only have each other. It was always the same thing over and over again for years, and it only got worse after I gave birth to C.

Mom and dad would baby the girls, doing anything and everything they could for them. The moment they found out about my pregnancy with C, they went into a rage. Being called a whore and a slut was a common occurrence. They hated that it was no longer about them, but rather about this new baby that was about to come into our family. They were always mean to me, but did their best to be the best aunts possible to C.

After I had Hope, things in our household escalated. Granted I kept my pregnancy a secret all 9 months for the fear of what they would say or do to me (I was more afraid of my sisters' torment than my parents' disappointment), no one in our family took into consideration that I made a sacrifice of a lifetime for the benefit of everyone in this household. I thought about how the birth of another child would would affect each and every person in this family before I thought about how the adoption would affect myself. While I didn't consult with the family, I did what was best for Hope, C and the rest of my family. I never once thought about what kind of emptiness I would be left with. I didn't need to, I knew this was the best choice for everyone involved. It was the first adult decision I made on my own that I didn't regret.

If only I knew how bad things would get after placement. It started when I was in the hospital recuperating from having given birth. My mother made it a point to call me and mention that my youngest sister said she no longer had "anyone to look up to". I knew that was the beginning of what I have basically called hell. Not only did I have to deal with the disappointment and misunderstanding of my decision to place my daughter into the hands of another family from my parents, I've had to endure the emotional abuse from my sisters. It has been the most disheartening thing to deal with and one of the things that has slowly killed me till this day, 5 1/2 years later.

I have been called every name in the book by my own sisters. I have been thrown under the bus plenty of times by them. I have trusted them with my secrets and problems just to have them talked about to my parents, or their boyfriends and friends. They have blamed me for every problem in their lives and have used me as a scapegoat and excuse for "ruining" their lives and our family. I have been called good for nothing and a "loser older sister". I have heard plenty of times over and over that they "never want to be like" me. They made me seem like a horrible person, when in reality I am not. Instead of being happy for me when good things happen in my life, they find ways to bring me down, accusing me of thinking I'm better than them or minimizing my accomplishments so that they don't seem like anything big. They have never wished me a Happy Mother's Day, citing that I'm not a "real" mom because I "give away" my babies and let my parents help me take care of my son. It's been one thing after another of painful stabs to my heart from the girls I am supposed to call my SISTERS.

I could sit here and write for days about all the things my siblings do and don't do that really make me angry. I could talk for days about the lack of a drive to succeed in life, being content with living off of mommy and daddy for the rest of their lives and having the expectation of that being what my parents are here for. I could write about how self-centered, judgemental and hypocritical these girls are and how that is probably why they have no friends other than "Facebook friends" and their boyfriends. I could call them the ugliest girls in the world (on the inside), but I won't stoop to that level because after all, I AM better than them.

I work hard for everything I have. I strive for success and a better life. I have a happy and healthy relationship and am content with the decisions I have made that have gotten me to where I am at in my life, always doing my best to improve my life, through work, school, etc. I have come to the conclusion that I will never have a relationship with these girls like most sisters have with each other. I will never be able to call them when I have good news, or bad news. I will never have them over to share a dinner or holidays with my family. I will never be close to them and while it breaks my heart, it is something I am going to have to accept. If it hasn't changed in the past 24 years, it won't change any time soon. I pray to God that they will one day see the damage they have done and realize how their behavior has really ruined a relationship they will never get back. Hopefully by then, it's not too late....