Crazy, Beautiful Life

"Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated."

~ Confucius

I know it has been a long time since I updated this blog. So much has happened over the past few weeks, I don't even know where to start. It's almost amazing how looking back at the past month, I have realized how many ups and downs I have gone through, yet am still standing, making it through it all.

Earlier this month, I had the opportunity to meet J's entire family. Every year, his family has a family reunion, which was at his house this year. In the 8 months I have been dating J, I had heard many stories about his family, whom he holds to such a high regard. It was very nice to meet every aunt, uncle and cousin he has talked about, although there were some that were missing. I have never, ever felt so welcomed and such a part of the family. I was grateful to have such an opportunity to meet some amazing people.

Of those amazing people, one of the biggest influences on what a great time I had was J's cousin, A. A and I had been Facebook friends for awhile before she and her family made it down to California from Colorado for family reunion week. A reminds me a lot of myself when I was her age (nearly 20) and she and I seemed to have hit it off right off the bat. We got to talk a lot, and the Facebook relationship we had built seemed to have only been strengthened by meeting in person. I am glad I took time off from work, which I rarely ever do, to go to the Orange County Fair, shopping, to Ports O Call, and to do more shopping with J's immediate and Colorado family. I had a great time, but had a really hard time saying goodbye when it was time for them to go back to Colorado. I cried the whole way home from J's house to mine, mostly because I was going to miss A and her incredible family, and also because I knew I wasn't going to be as busy as I was. Them being here in town meant me almost forgetting what has really been in the back of my mind... Hope's birthday.

I feel like as soon as J's family festivities were over, the weight of what is to come next month hit me like a ton of bricks. I have been on a roller coaster of emotions since the beginning of the month, and I almost feel overwhelmed by my thoughts and feelings. I wish there was a way to control it and to not let my feelings get the best of me, but I can't and I find that I am crying much more often than I have in a long time.

I recently got news that things at work are going to change. I'm not sure I could say much for the change other than I am having a hard time with the fact that they are letting someone go, whose spot I will be taking over. I feel bad that it's not because this woman is a bad employee, just that they felt I was a better one. Its been tough, and I am not looking forward to the adjustments and the change that is about to occur over the course of the next few weeks.

With all of that, and school, and a child, and keeping my wonderful boyfriend happy, I got to add getting into a car accident onto my list of things. Yup, I got into ANOTHER one. Not very fun at all, but I am ok and so is my friend, and that's all that matters. Ok, maybe not all that matters... I am sore and achy and I hurt all over. I wish this pain would go away, as its been nearly a week since the accident occurred, but it is looking like it will be awhile before it does. I am most grateful that I could walk and be as normal as I could possibly be, just without the ability to carry my big purse or heavy boxes. This accident, however, made me realize who my true friends are, as they are the ones who have sent me texts or phone calls or facebook messages, asking me if I was alright. I have decided that those who didn't care enough to even send a simple message aren't people I should worry about to spend my time or focus on. It was a great way to turn a "bad" thing into a good one, as I was able to figure out who truly cared about me.

I have had so many thoughts flying through my head lately, at such a high rate of speed that I can't even catch them and put them in any particular order. This may seem like "thought vomit" so here it goes, in no particular order:

• My relationship with J has been fabulous, as it seems to get better and better each day (when I'm not pushing him away due to my own personal issues).
• C is starting the third grade in just a few days and I am overwhelmed but excited for him.
• It is coming on to 5 months since I last received pictures of Miss Hope. I called the adoption agency and spoke to the woman in charge of pictures and letters and she said I should email them again. I have had an email sitting in my drafts box of my email, waiting for me to grab the courage and just send it.
• In addition to the changes at work, I am applying for a position at a call center for Options United, a non-profit pro-life agency in Pasadena, working the hotline for women who have found themselves in unplanned pregnancies. I am really excited for this opportunity, but I am scared at the same time, as I am afraid it will bring up old memories or pain from my past. But as I always say, if my life experiences could help just one person or change one life, my purpose in life has been served and completed.
• My relationship with my family is still crap. It's off and on and off and on. I feel like I have a better relationship with J's parents than I do my own, and they seem to care more about what is going on in my life than my own. It amazes me that my parents don't ever ask me how school is going, and that's all that J's parents ever ask me about each and every time they see me
• I am starting week 7 of my first class tomorrow. 3 more weeks left in this quarter. I cant believe how fast time seems to be flying
• My beautiful, sweet daughter will be 6 years old in 19 days. I am an emotional wreck, and I wish I wasn't. I hate crying and not being able to stop, almost for what seems to be no apparent reason for anyone who has to deal with me.
• J and I started playing a game that was probably the best thing I could've ever suggested. Each day for the past three and hopefully for the next 4 or 5 days, we pick 10 things that we love about the other and text them to each other. My plan is to eventually put all these things in a blog, for him and for me, so that when we are having a rough day, we can look at them and be reminded of all the amazing things the other person loves about us. I am excited for this new little project.

All in all, even though I have been through my share of "bad luck" these past few weeks, I am feeling blessed and fortunate to be able to walk, and live and love. I'm looking to probably get back to writing more since I know for a fact that I am going to need a place to vent my feelings and frustrations over the next few weeks. I just needed to get out all the crazy, beautiful things that are happening in my life.

When and How

"The deepest losses offer the widest openings for us to receive the miracles in our midst."

~Tami Lynn Kent

Adoption has been on my mind a lot lately. I don't know if it is because I am growing more and more into a better parent and person, going to school, and being more serious about life. I keep thinking about Hope, and how she would fit into my life here and now. I keep wondering what she is like or if she is on vacation now that it is summer time. I wonder if she would be proud of me, like I am proud of myself for all the changes that have occurred in my life. I actually hope both of my children will be proud of me.

When I said goodbye to my precious angel nearly 6 years ago, I promised her I would be someone she would be proud of if we were to meet again. I told the newborn baby that I held in my arms and cried over about how I was giving her a better life so that I could give her brother a better life as well. It has been a struggle, and definitely a difficult journey, but I haven't ever regretted my decision, even now that I am more stable than I was before. I find myself thinking about her when I make decisions regarding my life, even if she is not with me physically, because regardless, she is definitely with me in my heart.

With all this talk about marriage and a life together with J, I think about how C will fit into the picture and be a part of our family portrait. I also can't help but wonder what part Hope will play into that picture as well. I pray that she will decide to come look for me one day, or that we will stumble across each other in the streets or even on Facebook. I have hopes that we will one day be able to have some sort of relationship, not as a mother/daughter, but like long lost family, or even as friends. I probably have too much time on my hands to think because I find myself wondering how it would affect the dynamic of my relationship with C, as well as with J, and possibly our future children. These are things I never had to think about, as I never saw a future with anyone like I see it with J.

I find that one of my biggest dilemmas as of lately is figuring out when and how I am going to tell J's family about Hope. He and I have been dating for over 7 months now and I don't think this relationship is going anywhere other than forward. The deeper and deeper I fall for him, I find myself wanting to be closer to his family, especially his mom, because she is a good Christian woman and he holds her to such a high regard. It was hard for J to tell his mother I had a child when we first started dating, especially since I am the first girl he has dated with a kid, so I know that dropping a bomb that I am a birthmother is even worse. I'm not even sure how to go about in doing this.

I think about all the things that could go wrong in sharing with J's mom my history. I am afraid she will judge me and not want her son to date me. I worry she will think I am dirty or promiscuous. I am afraid she will think I am hiding more things about myself, and I would hate it if she doubted me. I know that ultimately, it is J I am dating, and not his family, and as long as he accepts me and my past in its entirety, than nothing else should matter, but it does. I think that had he not had this close of a relationship with his parents, I probably  wouldn't be stressing over this, but I am. I find that I feel this way because my own parents judge me, so I honestly can't see myself NOT being judged by people who I respect and care for. I truly hope that wouldn't be the case.

I don't know how much longer I can go, carrying on this weight in my heart of not telling his parents about Hope. A part of me feels that by not telling them about her is like deceiving them of the truth and not allowing them to really get to know the real me. Being a birthmom is what has made me who I am, and on top of being a single mom is one of the biggest driving forces in my life to succeed. It's just about getting the guts to say out loud to people whom I respect that I made mistakes in my past and have to live with those choices everyday of my life. I hate that I let this get to me as much as I do, but it is weighing on me that I can't be open about myself very many people, which I guess why this blog is so important to me (which is MY issue entirely). I guess only time will tell and when the time is right, it will happen. I can only put my trust in God, once again, that things will be ok and they will still accept me the way they do now. Regardless of what happens, though, I am thankful to know that J is by my side, and even knowing my "deepest, darkest secrets", we are happy and in love.

A Year Ago Today...

I have been doing some major life reflections the past couple of days. It is probably because this morning, at 1 a.m., marked the one year anniversary of my car accident. I didn't think it would be a big deal, but subconsciously it is, probably because it marked a turning point in my life.

Before this past year, I wasn't necessarily a bad person, but I wasn't an outstanding individual either. I wasn't anyone who made such a particular difference that I'd be missed if I was gone. I was a mediocre mom and daughter who was so miserable with her life. I wasn't the best friend I could possibly be to some people and I did such a half assed job when I was at work. My ex boyfriend and I fought like crazy, especially after I found out he cheated on me. I felt like I didn't deserve better, like I was destined to be disrespected, and talked down to, and mistreated. I felt like it was my punishment for all the things I did wrong in life.

On June 27th of last year, my buddies and I got together to host a pool party. The party was a major fail, and everyone got super drunk, including my ex. Because I saw how intoxicated he was, I stopped drinking and was sober so that I could drive home at the end of the night. I drove him home to Whittier and we agreed I would take his car home and I'd bring it back the next day after work. I always took the streets home, but because I was so exhausted and had to work the next day, I decided to take the freeway because it was faster. BIG MISTAKE.

Traffic on the freeway was at a standstill. Apparently there had been an accident and the freeway was closed off. After a couple minutes of sitting there on the freeway, I noticed the car started to overheat, so I turned it off. Once the freeway opened up, I turned the car back on and it wouldn't start. I had left the lights on and the battery was dead. At this point, I was in the #2 lane of the freeway. I started freaking out as the cars around me started to move and I was stuck there. I called 911 and asked for help right away. It was 1 a.m. and cars were flying by me at 65, 75 mph. Granted I had my hazard lights on and was stepping on the brakes, but there is no worse feeling than knowing you are basically a sitting duck and could get hit at anytime. I kept looking into the rear view mirror and could see all the cars swerving to avoid hitting me. 3 minutes after my call to 911, I got a call from the CHP asking exactly where I was on the freeway. I told him and he said to stay calm and they'd be there shortly. 11 minutes after my initial 911 call, I called again. I was frantic and needed help. I knew I was going to get hit and there was nothing I could do to avoid it.

As I was on that second call to 911, a car swerved out of the way to avoid hitting me. Apparently, the car behind was following that car too closely, so closely that they never saw me, until it was too late. I got rear ended dead on, probably at the speed of 65mph if not a little more. As I sit here and think about the collision and the the force of the impact, I find it truly a miracle that I survived with nothing more than some rattled nerves and a sore back. I was in complete and utter shock that this had happened, all while I was on the phone with dispatch still. I sat in the car to take in everything that happened and could see the lights of the CHP doing a freeway closure in the distance. Some nice guys had stopped their truck and helped me out as well as the couple who had rear ended me. One guy walked me to the side of the freeway while the other guy moved the car to the shoulder. They waited with me until the CHP officers were able to get to us.

I called my ex to let him know that I had gotten into an accident. He started yelling at me about his car. He had his roommate drop him off at the accident scene, only to yell at me some more. I was in pain and shock. I couldn't believe what had happened to me, and all this guy could do was yell at me about how he knew it was a bad idea for me to drive his car home, and why would I take the freeway when I always took the streets. I just wanted to get home.

The moment I walked in my door and saw my dad, I bawled. I cried and cried in his arms. The reality of what had just happened to me hit me, and I almost couldn't believe it. The accident could've been so much worse. I could've been injured, even worse, I could've died. What would've happened to C? Would I have ever seen Hope again? So many feelings and emotions flooded me and I was as emotionally broken as bad as my body hurt.

The next morning after the accident, I went to the doctor to get checked out. I was in excruciating pain, physically and emotionally. I stayed home for a couple of days from work, but had to get back. I found that it hurt me to sit for too long, so I would come to work a few hours late and leave early. It was the biggest lifestyle change ever, as I felt I was unable to do a lot of things I had been able to do before, including simple things like carry my purse or even getting dressed quickly in the morning.

Not only did I change physically, I changed internally. I found myself to be more emotional than usual. I couldn't sleep because I would close my eyes and see the cars coming at me. I was beyond anxious and suffered near panic attacks while on the freeway, especially in the evening time. I couldn't even drive myself for nearly a month afterwards, I couldn't be alone for too long or else my mind would race and I would start thinking about all the things that went on. I had images of C living with no mom, or of Hope looking for her birth mom and being told she had died. I had replayed over and over and over what could've happened, and really questioned God as to why he kept me from harm.

After the initial shock and anxiety of the whole situation wore off, I started to see clearly. I was able to see that the choices I made in life weren't always the best and I was determined to make something out of myself. I was tired of wasting time, and realized that there was no better time than now to make up for lost time. I became a better mom by putting a higher importance on my son's priorities. I became a better friend my appreciating each and every person who sent me well wishes. I became a better daughter for appreciating my parents for all they did for me. I went back to school, I was happier at work, and eventually, after 3 months, I finally got out of the relationship that made me miserable. It was the most drastic change I had ever made, yet it was the one that made me the happiest.

Within the past year, I have strived to be a completely better person. I have made it a priority to appreciate every moment and every person who means something to me. I have learned that being happy is something I have to do for myself before I could let anyone else try to do it for me. I have also learned to work on the things I want to change about myself and accept that there are things I cannot change in others. I have done a better job at sorting out who my real friends are and who I really don't want to be associated with.

The biggest change of all during the past year is that I have learned to love myself, which has undoubtedly been the best change of all. Loving myself has allowed numerous opportunities to come my way, including opening my mind and my heart and meeting the man of my dreams. Never in a million years did I think I would meet someone, especially so soon after getting out of my previous relationship, who I love as much as I love J. I never thought I would meet someone who I could trust and respect who would in turn do the same for me. I never thought it was possible to feel the way I do for him. Yet I am head over heels in love and know this is who I would like to spend the rest of my life with.

So while I sit here and truly thank God for everything he has done for me, I reflect on all the amazing things I have accomplished during the past 12 months, as well as all the things on my to-do list that need to be checked off still. I strive not to take any moment I have for granted and to make the most out of my time. I aim to be the best person I could possibly be and do all the things I have always hoped I would achieve. I guess things happen for a reason after all......

June Gloom

The weather as of lately has been really weird. It's been gloomy, and cold, and then warm in the afternoons, and then cold again at night. It's really annoying when figuring out what to wear in the morning, and very hard to make plans to do something fun in the sun when there is really no sun. I guess my moods have been matching this weather lately, and I'm pretty tired of it.

I've had a pretty rough week or so. I'd like to attribute it to the fact that dad has been gone and I miss my morning and after work carpool buddy, but I don't think that's entirely the case. A lot has changed lately, and as I've said in a previous blog post, I'm not big on change.

Last week, J and I had a moment when I almost thought it was over for good. I can honestly admit, that the issue of pushing him away when I need him the most is my own. I wish I could change being that way, but it's hard. I've never been in such a healthy loving relationship, and am so used to people giving up on me when times get tough. I guess pushing him away kinda protects me from getting hurt and given up on. With all that he is going through trying to manage both a full time work and school schedule, I am trying to learn to adjust to the change in our relationship and accept that I am no longer a priority of his, but it is hard. We went from spending most of his days off together, to now seeing each other two days a week, if we are lucky. It's difficult because I feel like we have spent more time missing each other than actually together.

I've always firmly believed in the saying that people come into your life for a reason. We got a new intern at work who started last week. She was explaining to me that she has been in a long distance relationship with her boyfriend over the course of the past year or so. She's here in California, and he is in D.C. She said that they have regularly scheduled Skype dates and that they see each other one every month or so. She says it's been difficult, but that it is worth it because they love each other. Talking to her and hearing her story made me appreciate our situation. While we are not across the country from one another (although sometimes it feels like that), seeing each other once or twice a week is a whole lot better than once a month. I realized that the sacrifices we are making right now are going to be worth it in the long run when we are both successful and (hopefully) married with a family of our own. I have decided that rather than complain about the time apart from one another, I need to suck it up and just appreciate the time we do have, as well as be a strong woman, and help my man instead of give him more problems to add to his plate.

In addition to our relationship issues, I have been feeling pretty lonely. I realized that because my time with J has been so limited, I have so often turned down opportunities to do things with my friends. Since J had plans to take his dad out on Saturday night for Father's Day (since he had to work on Sunday), I found myself with free time, and an urge to go out and have a good time. I text about 5 different female friends, and all of them were "busy" doing other things. I felt like long gone are the days of including me in their plans, and it is certainly understandable. I have comfortably fallen into the cycle of relationship life, and I no longer fit in with my single friends. I know that I can count on those girls if I really really needed them, but expecting to be included in their plans like before is out of the question.

On top of all of that, my family issues have really been getting to me as well. I feel like the moment dad is gone, my siblings take it as an opportunity to take advantage. I hate how disrespectful they are and cannot stand how they walk all over my mother. I hate that when they are home, I lock myself away in my room, drowning in Army Wives episodes on Netflix on my laptop. I wish I had a real family. One who loved and supported each other, during both the good and bad times. I have told J several times that I find it very sad that I feel more comfortable being at his house, eating dinner with his family, than I do with my own. Its highly disturbing and heartbreaking that I don't even trust my family.

Yesterday was Father's Day. It was the first Father's Day that my dad wasn't here for, and frankly, that depressed me more than anything. He sent me a text yesterday morning, from Mexico, that said that he wished he could have a talk with his dad (who passed away a few years ago) so that he could see what a good man and good father he has become. He said that even though we don't agree on things sometimes, he will always love me. It made me miss him so much more to know that it will be another week before I get to give him a hug.

All dad wanted for Father's Day was for the 5 of us to do something together, to celebrate him even though he wasn't here. Upon getting ready, I realized that half of my makeup stash is missing. Absolutely GONE. Along with a lot of my wardrobe. I was so angry and frustrated that I work hard to buy things for myself, and to find it all missing. It is heart breaking and absolutely irritating that my sisters have found a way to break into my room and steal my things and my mom doesn't do anything about it. I guess my frustration erupted in a not so nice way. Mom suggested we go to Applebees. I don't like Applebees so I said so. Little did I know that would begin World War III. I got called names by my sisters. They said I was ungrateful and not a part of the family, so I said fine, I'm not going. I'm not going to sit at a table and pretend like I am happy. I felt really bad because it was my dad's wish for us to be together, but I just couldn't do it. They left, and took C with them, and I locked myself away in my room crying because I really can't stand my living situation much longer.

It really hurt me when I got a text from my mom after they got home saying: "I really wish you had gone with us. One day I will find out why you hate me so much. I'm sorry for whatever I did to make you feel like that. I still love you" and again, another text from her this morning asking: "Are you still very upset at me? Can we be friends again?" That's when it hit me that one of the main problems our family has is that probably because we are grown now, my mom is no longer trying to be a mom, and is desperately trying to be a friend. I don't need a friend. I need my mother. I need her to set boundaries and to give me the support that I need. I need her to understand that just because I am independent does not mean that I don't care about her or that I don't want her in my life. I need her to understand that not only do I need her to be a mom, she needs to be a mom to my sisters instead of their friend. That's why it's so easy for them to manipulate and control her, because she wants their acceptance rather than set up boundaries and make them follow them.

Looking at the situation, from the outside looking in, I realize how much our family needs therapy. They can use me as a scapegoat and blame me for their issues all they want, but I know within myself that they just don't want to take accountability for their own problems. It's not my fault they can't get a job or do something productive with their lives. It's not my fault they are in relationships that are unhappy and verbally abusive. They can blame it all on me getting pregnant at a young age and my choice to place Hope for adoption without consulting anyone else, but blame and the lack of accountability will get them nowhere in life.

The sun has finally peeked through the clouds, and the morning June gloom has finally gone away. I think by writing and sharing my feelings about all that has been bothering me has helped me realize a lot of things. I have a lot going for myself. I am strong and determined, motivated to make a difference for myself and my son. I am doing my best to wake up every day and live my life the way I want it to be lived, as I know that only I can make my life the way I want it to be. Only I can be held accountable for my actions, for the good and the bad that I do. I can't let anyone, or anything affect me or try to stop me from reaching my goals. Bye-bye, June gloom. There's only room for sunny days on this calendar.

Everything is Changing

So many things have been changing lately. I can't even really explain all the things I feel inside. I am happy and sad, angry, resentful, lonely, yet proud, and supportive. What am I talking about? Pretty much everything, I guess.

A few weeks ago, on Memorial Day weekend, C went away for the weekend with my parents, so J and I finally got to spend 4 straight days with each other. It was the first time in the entirety of our relationship that we had been apart from the moment he dropped me off on Saturday night to Friday afternoon. The first night, Friday, we went to dinner and to see the Hangover 2. It was a good time, but I felt almost like we had the awkwardness of a first date all over again. It was a totally abnormal feeling that we were eventually able to shake off by the end of the night. The next day, Saturday, J had school and picked me up when he was done so we could enjoy a night "away" together. Our "night away" was actually a "staycation" at a really nice hotel I have really fallen in love with in Long Beach called Hotel Maya. It was beautiful, the weather was fabulous, but things once again didn't feel completely right.

The Saturday night we spent out in Long Beach, ended up with us heading to a restaurant with "happy hour" and the UFC fight. While there, J and I made friends with the couple sitting next to us at the bar. Before I knew it, J was pretty tipsy and the night wasn't so fun anymore. We went back to the room, and eventually fell asleep, him on one side of the bed, and me on the other, no longer cuddling like we used to when we were able to get time alone together. The morning consisted of us getting up, getting ready and meeting his brother and nephew at the beach. Needless to say, I was very disappointed by the lack of passion and desire we once had for each other. I was very hurt and heartbroken, as I felt like he was no longer attracted to me like he once was.  As it is, J and I rarely can spend the night together, and the one night he had me, he didn't want me. It was the first time in this relationship that I wasn't confident about US and where we were headed.

The rest of our Sunday was eventful. We met up with J's brother and nephew at Bolsa Chica Beach. It was super windy so we left and headed to J's house where we laid out by the pool to continue our tans, had some dinner, and attempted to watch tv despite the burns on our legs from too much sun. On Monday, I was back at J's for a Memorial Day bbq, but I didn't quite feel like myself. I was more quiet and reserved, not the girl I usually I am. I guess I had a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions in my head and they wouldn't cease to exist, so I was better off keeping my mouth shut. I was still hurt about the lack of sex from our mini getaway, and I didn't know how to shake it off.

The following week was our 6 month "anniversary". I made him a picture book of all the cool things we have done together during the past 6 months we have been dating. I put in pictures of our first date, random text messages and museum pictures. I wrote to him about how I felt about him and how I look forward to the future. I cried when I gave it to him. It meant alot to me and I felt that by giving him that book, I gave him a physical piece of my heart.

The "anniversary" weekend was uneventful, pretty much like any other weekend, nothing different. I don't know if I was expecting it to be different, but I do know that at the end of it, I was slightly disappointed. Am I expecting too much for him to acknowledge what a milestone 6 months is? or was that only significant to me? Maybe I should've just known better than to think he would assume the importance of reaching such a milestone. He's not a mind reader, and I can't honestly expect him to know what I'm thinking, yet I feel stupid if I explain to him how I feel about these things.

Here we are, a week and a few days later. Things are getting more difficult the deeper J gets into school - for me and for him. Last week was another 6 days without each other week, and to top it off I was really sick. All I wanted was to be in his arms and to have him take care of me, and I didn't get that. I feel selfish to complain about how I feel like I am at the bottom of the totem pole. I feel like I am no longer important to him and that I am more of a distraction to him than anything. I feel that by opening my mouth and telling him that I feel lonely and sad and depressed about our relationship situation, I am failing as his girlfriend. I can't fail, I have to be strong to get him through this, even if it means putting my feelings aside. I keep asking myself if this is a test from God, to see how truly strong I am. If it is, it's not a nice one.

I really just want to be happy again. I miss the days of us rolling around in the sheets together, being in each others arms till its late and time to go home. I miss feeling like I am important to him. I miss the days of exploring new places and things together, and even going to the gym together. I am really trying my best to stay strong. I don't plan on giving up because I know what a good thing I have in him, yet I am so afraid he will give up on me for not being a good enough girlfriend. I struggle with trying to figure out how to be a "good enough girlfriend" for him. I've never been in this situation before, and I don't know how to not be selfish just a little bit.

Sigh...

I'll get through this. No, scratch that, WE'LL get through this.... With bumps, bruises, and scrapes, I don't plan on leaving his side.  I can only pray that he'll still want me there at the end of it all.

Facing Fears

"The key to change… is to let go of fear.” –Rosanne Cash

I've been doing quite a bit of thinking lately. I've been so focused on the inevitable change we're about to face now that J is about to start school. I've been so caught up in his life that I haven't focused on mine. Why should he go on to make things happen for himself and me not do the same? Why would he want someone with no drive to succeed in her life? I'm smart and am filled with determination to make something out of myself.... or was that all talk?

This semester, I registered for a full load of classes, boasting about how I really didn't have too many left to do so that I could transfer. On top of a full time job, full time child, and full time boyfriend, I thought I would be brave and add a full course schedule. Oh how I was so ridiculously wrong. After a few weeks of going full speed, I crashed... and burned. I ended up so completely overwhelmed, I had to drop classes because I was so behind. This made me feel like such a failure. I did so well last semester and was so proud of myself, and this completely ruined my self-esteem. It's no wonder I have been so scared of the change we are about to face. I didn't want to be left with nothing to be proud of for myself.

The day of C's First Communion, my aunt and I had a talk about school. She was telling me I needed to hurry up and get out of the community college. She said I needed to transfer and move on with my life already. I knew it needed to be done, but it was a wake up call resonating in the back of my mind this past week and a half. That mixed with the fact that J started school on Saturday and the thought of wanting to move forward with my life and be someone C (and Hope) could be proud of got the wheels in this head of mine spinning.

I had to stop being afraid of change. I needed to take a step forward with my future and make my life different than what it currently is. I needed to just get up and say "F*@! IT" and do what I gotta do to get ahead.

Today, I put my fears aside and took a step forward with my life. I applied for Capella University, an online college a friend of mine recently obtained a Masters degree from. I got all the information necessary and decided it would be a great fit for me and my busy lifestyle. My goal will be to obtain a Bachelors in Arts in Public Service with a focus in Criminal Justice, my original major that I chose to pursue right out of high school. I figured that since Capella doesn't offer a Social Work program, I could finish off the Criminal Justice degree and get my Masters in Social Work when I am done. My projected end date, if all my classes transfer, is 2 to 2.5 year from now and I'll have a Bachelors degree in my possession. Whoa... talk about a change, right?

I'm a little overwhelmed with this decision. It was a big decision to make on my own. I consulted with J to get his opinion on my decision, especially because this means I will incur some debt in student loans. He totally supported my choice and said whatever debt I take on from this we will deal with (he also joked that he would pimp me out to pay for both of our student loans). With that, I made the move and spoke with an enrollment counselor and next thing I knew, I was going through the application process. Next step is financial aid.

Omg!

I'm actually doing this. If all goes well, I will be starting school on July 11th. Do I even believe this is happening? Not yet. At least not until I have confirmation that this is really going to happen. I am excited and nervous, but so thankful to finally be able to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I am determined to complete this with success, moreso because I have so many more things I would like to accomplish with my life.

I'm not planning on telling anyone other than whoever is reading this blog about this step in my life. I plan on letting people believe I am going to community college to obtain my Associates and slapping them in the face with the diploma that says I'm ready for the next step. My goal is to prove to everyone who thought I would always be a failure wrong and show them, as well as myself and my children that the mistakes I have made in my life shouldn't have had to determine what my future would be like. So yay me, for taking a chance and making a change. It won't be an easy road ahead, but getting to my destination will be worth so it in the end.

Scared of Change

"It is not the strongest
of the species that survive,
nor the most intelligent,
but the one most responsive to change."

CHANGE....

ugh, I HATE that word. I hate that in life, it is inevitable. I hate that it could mean so many things. It could be good. It could be bad. It could be anything.

In this case, change means that J is on his way to embarking on a new endeavor. One that will open many doors and possibilities, and will bring him a better future. In about 8 hours, he will be attending orientation for the program he will be going to school for for the next 18 months. In addition to his three 24 hour shifts at work (Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday), he will be adding a discussion board on Monday, an online class on Wednesday and an all day class till 4:00pm on Saturdays. He will definitely be busy.

I just got home from spending the latter part of my day with him. We literally spent 10 hours of our time together, really enjoying each other's company. We cuddled and talked and napped, truly indulging in each other's presence, but in the midst of it all, in the back of my mind, I was worried. What am I so worried about? I should be a happy, loving and supportive girlfriend, appreciative of every moment spent together. There's no reason to be worried... or is there?

As it is, J and I don't have very much time together. I am stuck working an 8-5 job most of the week (except for Friday when I get off at 2pm). He's working 7am-7am 24 hour shifts starting Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday mornings. That leaves us with some Mondays after I get off of work to hit the gym together, Wednesdays to hang out or go to the gym, and Fridays and Saturdays to enjoy each other's company (thats if he doesn't switch shifts at work). Well, that's all obviously going to change. Internally, I'm freaking out about it.

I know that while it is entirely selfish, and I honestly hate feeling the insecurities of worrying about the inevitable change that is bound to happen in our relationship. I understand that he will need my support now, more than ever, to get through the next 18 months of hard work and dedication to succeeding through this program and a new career. I know that I shouldn't worry because I trust him and know that he's not only doing this for himself, but for me and our future together as well. It's just scary to not know what's going to come. It's scary to think of so many things that could go wrong. It's awful to think of all the scenarios that play out in the back of my mind of things that could go wrong, even if I do my job to be the best girlfriend I could be. I have faith in our relationship, that we are stronger in 5 months more than some couples are in 5 years.

It's scary when I think about all I have witnessed in life. I have seen all too often where a woman supports a man through schooling, or training, or something that will better his life. She is usually a strong woman who makes whatever sacrifices she can to be the rock for her man in his time of need. In many instances, I have seen where the guy has gotten through it and dropped his rock at the end of it all, for someone better, thinner, prettier, younger, or someone he has gone to school or training with, because she "understands".

I went into this relationship knowing that J wanted to better his life and career. It wasn't something that was just sprung up on me all of a sudden. It is one of the factors that made me fall in love with him. His strong desire to succeed and have more in life. He is goal driven and inspired to be someone more than what he is today, and I love that so much about him. I have to keep reminding myself that J is in fact different than anyone I have ever let into my life, let alone my heart. He is someone who I know won't let me down, and we will get through this change in our lives together. I need to remind myself to stop being selfish, and use this time away from each other to better myself, because no man, including my own, will want a future with someone who isn't as driven and motivated to succeed as he is.

The time spent away from one another will definitely suck. The change will definitely not be an easy one. As scared as I am of it all, the time is here for it to happen and I have to let go of all my insecurities and be the best "rock" I can be for J. I know it will be a long road ahead of us, but we will make it through. At least I hope we will....