The Future

It is almost amazing to see how much life has changed during the past 10 months since J and I first started dating. We used to go out to bars and clubs with friends at the beginning, and wearing short dresses and heels was a common occurence for me on the weekends. Throughout the last few months, I have found myself trading in my heels and dresses on the weekends for a pair of Chucks and jeans. It's been a definite change, but I am definitely not complaining.

This past Saturday, J's friends, R & H, hosted a game night at their house. There was a total of four couples there and we really had a blast. R is one of J's best friends, their friendship goes all the way back to when they were kids. R & H have a little girl and are expecting another in November. It was really nice to hang out with them and the other four friends that showed up. It was a nice escape from the usual meet at a bar and drink till you're broke .

J ended up having quite a bit to drink that night and before I knew it, his feelings about a lot of things we really hadn't talked about surfaced. J told R that he is scared to get too close to C because he is afraid that C's dad will one day come back into the picture and C will dismiss J for him. J ended up spilling out a lot that I was unprepared for regarding his fears about building a relationship for C. It really made me feel things I hadn't felt before, including fear and worry.

Before me, J had never dated a girl who was a mother, let alone one who was also a birthmother. Throughout the course of our relationship, he has had to learn to deal with new experiences related to both parts of me. He has come to soccer games and his First Communion, he has played with him in the front yard and gone to the movies with us. He has also been there to hold me as I cried over the daughter I don't physically have with me but who lives everyday in my heart. He is the only person I want next to my side for the rest of my life, yet I feel like I have been selfish because I brought him into a life he wasn't prepared for.

C loves J to death. Granted, I haven't brought too many guys around him, but I have never seen him act the way he does with J with anyone else. He dotes on "group hugs" and he even comes and gives J random kisses on the cheek when he is watching football. He is an amazingly sweet boy who has so much love to give, like his mama. He is happy that I am happy, and has once said to me that he hopes that J one day becomes his dad.

I worry that the idea of one day becoming C's stepfather is a little overwhelming for J. Actually, I KNOW it's overwhelming. I understand his fear of not knowing the boundaries he can set in that role because C is technically not "his". I understand his fears of being too strong with him and C possibly "hating" him when he gets older, or of being put in situations he doesn't know how to handle. I don't want to push the idea of being my son's father on him, because that's not what I am in this relationship for. My son has a "dad", whether he is in the picture or not. All he needs and wants in his life is a male role model to set the right examples and teach him things that his mother can't. Granted, he has my dad to teach him things I can't, but I know he looks up to J because he is younger, and he knows that he is who I want to be at my side through thick and thin...

When I think about the future, my future, OUR future, I can't help but wonder what our family protrait would look like. How should it look like? I came into this relationship with a 7 year old child who I have parented mostly alone since day 1, and one who was placed for adoption 6 years ago. There is a possibility that I may one day have to fight the "sperm donor" who helped me to create my son, but I highly doubt it. There is also the possibility that one day, possibly in 10-12 years if not maybe sooner, there could be a knock on my door from a beautiful girl who I gave birth to. I would be scared to be J, hell, I am scared to be myself. These are things I never in my wildest dreams ever imagined having to worry about when I was younger, but they are definitely my reality.

I hope and pray that things fall into place like they should. I know deep in my heart that J really does love me and that when he says he is in for the long haul, he really means it. What will become of the relationship between he and my son, I could only hope it improves and that one day he loves that child as if he were his own. I know that when and if we have children of our own, J will be an amazing father, just as he is an amazing boyfriend, son, friend, and brother. I have no doubt in my mind that he will be the greatest role model to my son, and to our future sons (and/or daughters), and while I am worried about how different he will treat OUR children made together as opposed to MY child that I came into this with, I don't think it will be an issue, as my son will grow to love and respect J as much as if they were related.... I could only hope...

Overwhelmed

I can't believe that it has been nearly a month since my last post. I guess that goes to show how crazy my life has been as of lately. I feel like there haven't been enough hours in the day to accomplish all that I want to do or need to get done. I feel drained and tired, both physically and emotionally, but I do my best to wake up every morning and get out of bed with a smile on my face, because some people aren't so lucky.

The change of office locations is probably one of the most overwhelming things to get through this past month. I have been at SAFS for 5 years and I feel like I am back to basics, learning programs and paperwork that I didn't have to deal with before. I have had to deal with an office environment that is completely foreign to me, attitudes from other staff members and even clients, a completely different client demographic than what I was dealing with before, and the stress of running two offices on the pay of what I was making working at one. It's pure craziness and I just wish I could take a break from it all.

The one good thing about the move was that it helped distract me enough to get through Hope's birthday. I wasn't the extremely emotional wreck that I am every year because I basically didn't have the time to be. Granted, the moment I was alone and in a quiet place, I was a mess, but that was usually not the case as I was sometimes even too tired to cry.

This year was the best birthday anniversary ever. J was so amazingly supportive. No matter how much I pushed and pushed him away, he made sure to be by my side. The night before her birthday, I took the train over to his house, as I usually do on Thursday nights. He surprised me with cupcakes from my favorite spot and we watched opening night of football season at his house with pizza and wings. I probably cried on my way home, but it was still a good time. The next morning, on her birthday, he picked me up early with a dozen beautiful roses and we went to breakfast on the marina in Long Beach. I was afraid I was going to be a huge mess, but I cried only the first half of the day when I looked at her photo album and was able to get through the rest of the day with very minimal tears.

Because Hope shares her birthday with J's dad (who, btw, still doesn't know about the adoption), I was invited to celebrate his birthday with the family at dinner that night. I was nervous that I was going to be a train wreck of emotions, but luckily, I survived the night (even though I got teary eyed when the table next to ours was celebrating the birthday of a little girl who was around the same age as Hope). I was fairly proud of myself for not being the cry baby I usually am, and I was so extremely thankful to have such a wonderful boyfriend who provided me with so much support, even if he had no idea what I was going through.

I realized something huge this year. I realized that while I may not get to see or talk to a lot of my friends on a consistent basis, I have some pretty amazing people in my life. The phone calls, text messages and facebook messages that poured in this year on her birthday were so wonderful. J's cousin, A, even sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers. It almost felt like it was my own birthday. That's when it hit me that this day is more important than my own birthday. The people who remembered me on this important day were the ones I know I could count on no matter what. I am extremely grateful for them.

With the weight of moving offices, working late nights, sometimes until 8:30pm, and the heaviness that Hope's impending birthday weighed on my heart (and my relationship), I didn't do as well as I would've liked to do in my first class at Capella. In fact, I didn't do well at all, and I am very angry at myself for that. I am currently in the process of appeals with the board at the school so that I could retake this class and am hoping to get it approved before the next class starts in October. Crossing my fingers and hoping this could work out, because if not, then I am going to be super depressed that I have wasted even more time.

Besides work at SAFS, school, Hope's birthday, getting C situated with the 3rd grade and everything else, I started my new job. Ok, well technically not "started", but I HAVE attended two trainings and have a third this Saturday. As excited about this opportunity that has landed in my lap to try to make a difference in the lives of women who have found themselves in unplanned pregnancies by offering them the resources to gain more knowledge of their options, I am also scared. I am scared that I will fail at this job, or that it will trigger feelings in me that I may not have dealt with (although, at this point, I feel like I have dealt with mostly anything and everything imaginable). I am worried that, through my theory of not having enough hours in the day, I won't be able to have time for fun on my already limited weekends. But we shall see what happens, you never know till you try.

On top of all of that, money has been a major issue for me lately. I never seem to have enough of it. C went to the dentist last week and we found out he has 4 cavities. 4 cavities + 2 sealers = over $1100. Where the heck am I going to get that money from? I have NO IDEA. Especially when my own teeth hurt and I can't afford a dentist for myself. I feel like I work work work work work and have nothing to show for it. It's pretty upsetting and is one of the things that depresses me the most about my life right now. Being broke sucks. I feel that at this rate, moving out and having a life of my own, separate from my family will never happen.

The one thing, besides my wonderful relationship with J and my little guy C, that has kept me going lately has been going to the gym. I recently started up last week and am on a mission to get my butt in shape. I am starting to feel better from Car Accident #2 last month and am tired of not being able to do much and gaining weight. Weird enough, though, that I hadn't been to the gym in awhile and have slowly been losing weight. Last weekend, I was able to fit into jeans I hadn't been able to wear in years. It felt good, and J noticed, which is the bigger payoff. I am currently looking into getting a personal trainer, and am considering a small women's gym nearby this new office that offers semi-personal training at a fraction of the cost of a private trainer. We shall see what happens, but I think that I could afford to make the sacrifice if it means looking good and being healthy, plus working out seems to be the best stress release for me so far.

Also, some more good news is that V&L sent me an email last week with pictures of a beautiful little lady. I was so overwhelmed and haven't really been able to stop looking at them. It's almost quite amazing how much she looks like C. Their original email that came with the pictures was cut off and I emailed them letting them know that. They re-emailed me this weekend, and I practically cried my eyes out knowing that I made the best sacrifice I possibly could have made:

Hi M,

Sorry for the delay.  Thanks for your patience.  We're glad you got the pictures.  Below is the text from the letter that was included in the Kodak e-mail.  We now know to send it separate.  Take care.

----------------------Kodak Letter---------------------------
Hi M,
Hope began first grade on the week of her birthday. She is excited to be back in school even though she had a very busy summer. Most of her time was spent between YMCA and Girl Scout camp. We wound up the summer by taking a cruise to Alaska, which she considered to be a great adventure. Karate has taken a back seat for now, but she is still enrolled in dance and gymnastics classes. We have offered her other activity and sports classes, but she has a full plate right now.
We remain grateful to you for helping bring the joy of Hope into our lives. We are fine with occasional e-mails from you and /or gifts for her. She is bright and understands the concept of adoption, but her mind is still very young. Everything that we teach her is done in a very caring and loving way. We are conscientious parents and we want you to know that. She is energetic and full of life. We love her that way.

We wish you continued success with school, and your career. Please keep us posted on important events in your life and C's. Expect another small batch of pictures in the next coming months. Above all, please take care.
Sincerely,
V and L

It was a sweet email, and unexpected, since I didn't think they would write back, but I couldn't help but feel as though it was a little cold. I almost feel like they want to keep their distance from me. I understand that they may be afraid that I want to be a better birthmom and don't know what that entails, but I made it clear to them that I don't intend to overstep my boundaries and just want to have a better relationship with them. As much as I wish the relationship between us could change, I think that there is a fat chance of that happening and I just have to learn how to be ok with that. I guess that just comes with the territory of being a bmom in a semi-open adoption. I am just thankful that they emailed me back and that she seems to have such a wonderful and amazing life that I wouldn't have been able to provide her with on my own.

So many things going on at one time, it's kind of crazy.... October doesn't seem to look like the busy-ness is going to let up, either. At a glance, my weekends seem to be piling up with more and more to do. I am anticipating C's birthday at the end of the month, and J's birthday at the beginning of November. That, combined with Halloween, a couple of baby showers, two jobs and hoping I can start school again are already making my head spin... But I guess that is better than not doing anything with my life or being able to get out of bed in the morning with a smile on my face... :)

Anger and Grieving

"Why the f*** are you crying for? You're a day early. Save your useless tears for tomorrow"

~E (my "sister")

Yup, that was an actual quote from someone who is supposed to be my "family", on the day before my beautiful Hope is supposed to turn 6. I am currently sitting here, bawling my eyes out, so appalled by the audacity this excuse of a human being has for being so completely unable to comprehend what true human emotion is like. I am so upset and so hurt that this is who I am related to. I can't believe she had the nerve to make a comment like that, as she is so unaware of what a day in my shoes is like.

I HATE that my "family" can't understand that I am hurting, more than they even know. I HATE that they are so cold, and hurtful, and ugly on the inside. It's not just my sibling who is this ugly, it's my father, who has been acting like a jerk to me all week. I understand they may be "hurt" by my decision to place Hope for adoption 6 years ago, but they don't have the slightest inclination of what I am going through.

The past few weeks have been rough. I have been moving offices, going through the major change and work of "starting fresh" at a new office. I have worked late nearly everyday for the past 3 weeks. I have poured all my energy, sweat and hard work into my job, but at the end of the day, when all is said and done, the moment I have some alone time, I cry. It's the little calendar inside of me, slowly ticking and tocking as it gets closer to her birthday. I have started to hate the moment my days would end at work, or when dates would end with J, or when I found myself not doing anything. I had somewhat of an anxiety/panic attack a couple of weekends back, and almost feel one coming on today. I have worked way too damn hard to regress and go back to the piece of crap person I was, all because I'm consumed by so much grief and emotion.

Things with J have sucked. Not due to his part, but mine. I have been a shitty girlfriend. I am going through so much, and expect him to understand how I feel, but I almost forget to realize that he doesn't completely understand. He doesn't understand why his girlfriend of 9 months has been pushing him away nearly every chance she gets. He doesn't get why she just cries like a big fat baby, or why she's not "normal" and has no clue when or if she will ever be. He doesn't understand how much it hurts to "lose" a baby, not knowing if and when I will see her beautiful little face again. He doesn't get why it's such a big deal that I celebrate her birthday or am thinking about missing his dad's birthday dinner (his bday is the same day). He doesn't understand why I am adamant about checking my email so much, waiting to hear back from V&L, since I finally had the courage to send them an email last week. He doesn't get it, and I honestly can't expect him too, as much as I wish he could. He's a guy, who has never been through this (thank God), and although he is the best boyfriend in the world I could possibly have been given, he probably won't ever understand this - and that's ok. Really, it is. After all, he DID bring me cupcakes today to cheer me up and he held me for a LONG time while I cried in his arms. So while he doesn't always have the right words to say, I know I am super blessed to have such a supportive man by my side.

Speaking of the email I sent to V&L last week, I am struggling with the fact that I have yet to hear back from them. Granted, it's only been a week, and a holiday weekend has passed in between this time, I did ask if it was ok with them if I sent her a birthday gift, and her birthday is tomorrow. Obviously not enough time to get it to her before she turns 6. I was super careful with my wording, making sure not to overstep my boundaries:

Hello L & V,

I hope you don't mind me emailing you. I spoke with J at HFS and she said I should send you an email rather than try to go through her. If this is a problem, please let me know and I could stop and go through the agency if that's what you prefer. My main goal is to not overstep my boundaries with you both, so if at any time you feel uncomfortable with me contacting you, I can stop. I just feel that as I get older, I find myself wanting a better relationship with you so that when Hope finds out about me, she knows how much I love her and think about her.

I hope all is well with you and Hope. There is not a day that goes by where I don't think about her. I almost can't believe that her 6th birthday is coming up. It seems like just yesterday, I was meeting you both for the first time and we were anticipating the arrival of such a beautiful little lady. Time has flown by so fast. I could only imagine what she must be like. Is she in first grade now? Is she still doing karate and gymnastics? What is she into? Did you travel over the summer? I'd like to know as much as you could possibly tell me about her as I want to be able to paint a picture of the person who she has become.

As for me, life is great. I am working on my Bachelors degree at an online university, still working at a non-profit (5 years now), and in a wonderful, healthy relationship that may possibly lead to marriage :) C is doing amazingly well, having just started third grade and playing soccer. It's amazing how much he has fallen completely in love with the sport (I'm sure in part to his Brazilian and Mexican roots), but now every Saturday is spent at the park! We are doing well and are thriving, thankful for health, my job, and happiness.

I was wondering if it would be possible to ask for pictures from you of Hope. It's been a few months and I am dying to see more of her. I would love some birthday pictures if you have the opportunity to send me some. Also, I was wondering if it would be ok with you if I sent her a gift for her birthday.

Thank you for being the best parents to Hope that she could have possibly been blessed with. I am just as lucky as she is that she has the two of you to raise her to be the beautiful girl she is growing up to be and to give her the life I most certainly couldn't.Thank you for everything. I hope to hear from you soon.



I almost feel like I can't breath right now. I am slowly suffocating. The pain of waiting to hear back from them, as well as of having to deal with so many changes at work and with my family issues is completely overwhelming right now. I am so anxious and feeling so alone, even though I have joined an amazing support group for bm's on facebook. I feel like nothing I can do or than anyone can say will ease this pain, and just as in years past, the sadness will eventually go away and soon enough I will be back to my normal self.

As for my family, I just have to remember that there is nothing I can do to make them understand me or what I feel, as they will always have their own opinions and judgements about me. It's up to me to allow them to make me feel the way that I do, and I'm not going to let them. I made the best decision I could make for both of my children 6 years ago, and it's the same decision I would make had I been faced with that situation today. I have to live with that choice, and as long as I can sleep right at night knowing that I did what needed to be done and not regret it, then they could talk all the trash they want. Granted it hurts like hell, I know where they stand in my life, and have come to the conclusion that I don't want them in my future - AT ALL.

I have so much more to write and to say, but I guess it can wait till tomorrow when my head is clear and my mind and heart aren't so numb. Wish me luck, as it's looking like a long day ahead and lots more tears. I'm hoping to celebrate her life and the 6 years she has been on this earth tomorrow morning with J by my side, and am hoping to not have to come home to deal with this madness. I can't do it. Not tomorrow, and I wish not ever.

Happy early birthday, sweetheart. Mama loves you... forever and always <3