Too Busy

It's so amazing how rapidly time flies and how rapidly things change. It seems like only yesterday, I was blogging about the decision to make a change in my life and start on my Bachelor's. Here I am, in the midst of week 3 out of my first ten week course, travelling full speed towards success. I'm making things happen, one day at a time, and I have never felt better about myself.

It feels so good to enjoy the fruits of my labor by seeing the grades I have earned weekly. Each 100 under my name is one step closer to getting an A, that I know I deserve.

With all this focus and time being spent on school, I have no time to be emotional over the fact that in about a month from now, my beautiful baby girl will be 6. No time to cry and be sad. Just time to be motivated and determined to finish and be one step closer to completing my goals. Once my goals are completed, I know I will have reached the ultimate happiness.

I really appreciate J and the support he has given me. It feels good when we find ourselves sacrificing our usual movie nights on the couch for homework time at the kitchen table. I love knowing that we keep each other balanced and that we are growing together. We are both making the sacrifices necessary to have that dream house, cars, vacations, and family that we always dreamed of. It is truly the best feeling to know that we are doing this together and plan on being there for every step of the way with one another.

I love my life, and I love the people who are actively in it. I love my amazing boyfriend and my wonderful son because they push me to strive for success and to reach my goals. The two of them, as well as little Miss Hope, make me want to be the best person I could possibly be and so much more. Yay for finally being in a good place in my life. It's so well deserved after all I have been through. Granted I am allowed my bad days, I don't desire to feel anything other than the way I feel right now - happy.

Filled With Love

It's currently 1:48am and I am wide awake. I just got in from a date with J and am still winding down, so I figured I would share my thoughts and feelings with the world, or whoever is awake at this hour :) (DISCLAIMER: I'm not drunk, or even near it...)

This was the first week in awhile that J had to actually work on a Friday. Between work and school for the both of us, as well as my emotions being so out of whack, it has been a rough week for us both. We saw each other on Tuesday for a random Happy Hour and study session, where I was able to get to brainstorm some ideas for his research paper that I am writing (that I should be finishing up right now), as well as to watch Teen Mom. I was pretty disappointed because I feel like my weekend doesn't officially start till when I am with him (cheesy, I know), so my unusually long and draining week seemed even longer till I saw him at C's soccer game today.

It feels really good to know that even though J worked a 24 hour shift yesterday, got off work this morning and went to school to complete a final, and went to get a haircut afterwards, he still wanted to be there for C's game, when he could have opted to stay home and rest for a bit. I find it to be so incredibly sexy to know that he cares about C on a level that no one else has ever cared for him before, including his own "father". To have a man in my life that doesn't mind going out of his way to support my son when he doesn't have to feels so good inside. I am an incredibly lucky woman and I thank God everyday.

One of my favorite comics of all time is Anjelah Johnson. She is hilarious and I have always had a dream of meeting her. I would have to admit, I have a major girl crush on her. Not only is she beautiful, she is funny and someone who I would love to have as a friend. When I found out she was going to be performing her standup show nearby, I jumped at the chance and bought a pair of tickets for J and I to go. I have never been to a comedy show, so I was excited that my first time would be to see her.

J and I made a date night out of Anjelah's show. After C's soccer game, we came to my house and I got ready really quick. It had been awhile since I had gotten pretty for J, so it felt good to put some makeup on and a dress. I know how much he appreciates and enjoys when I do. We went to Taps, a brewery and fish house, where we enjoyed some delicious drinks and an overpriced dinner. It was a little pricey, but we enjoyed our dinner on the patio of the restaurant, basking in the sunlight on a beautiful evening. I love how no matter what, it never feels like we are tired of each other. It quite frequently feels like we're at the beginning stages of our relationship, and I love it. The attraction I feel for him is so amazing. I have never felt butterflies this far into a relationship with anyone like I do with him.

After dinner, we walked over to the Improv and stood in line. We stood and talked and stood and I complained about how my feet hurt in my heels and we stood some more. I was adamant about getting there early because it was a sold out show. I wanted to make sure we got a good seat, and that we did. We stood in line for a little over an hour and were finally let it, and we were just a row away from the stage. I was so happy.

As excited as I was to go to the show, I didn't think I would've had as great of a time as I did. I haven't laughed as hard as I did in a long time. I had tears in my eyes from laughing so much. I was almost afraid I was going to lose a fake eyelash. It really feels good to be able to laugh like that with J by my side. The comedic relief was almost what we needed as I don't think either of us had laughed that much in awhile.

After the show, there was an opportunity to meet Anjelah. That was definitely an opportunity I didn't want to miss. J had left his card back at the restaurant, so he went back to retrieve it while I stayed in line. It meant a lot to me that he understood this how much it meant to me to meet her, and he even understood more when I wanted a picture with her and didn't include him in it, even though he mentioned "FAIL" a few times.

By the end of the night, I know that J was absolutely exhausted. My poor boyfriend looked beat. When we were driving and I tried talking to him and realized he had fallen asleep for a few minutes, I looked over at him and realized how much I love this man. Everything he has done and said to me and every moment we have gone through together for nearly 8 months came to my mind. I couldn't help but smile because I felt like I am the luckiest girl in the world.

Never in my life have I experienced or known a love like this. As far as I am concerned, I never even thought that it existed. I always thought that love as strong as ours only existed in fairy tales, and I especially never thought a girl like me who has been through as much as I have would have the opportunity to feel the way that I do, and to have someone feel the same way about me. I am so incredibly blessed that J loves and accepts me for all that I am and am not. I am blessed that he loves me as a single mom, a birthmom, a woman, and a person who has mistakes in her past, and that he never casts judgements on the bad choices I made prior to having him in my life. I love him for all the hardwork and sacrifices he has made to get ahead and I admire his dedication to a better life. I firmly believe that J is my soulmate and the missing piece to my puzzle and I couldn't imagine life any other way.

Did They Forget?

"The worst feeling isn't being lonely. It's being forgotten by someone you would never forget." - Unknown

"Forgotten" seems like such a terrible word. When I looked up its definition in the dictionary, I got that it means: Not noticed inadvertently; No longer known; Dismissed from the mind. It is the perfect description to how I feel right now.

When I made the decision to place Hope for adoption 6 years ago, I knew very little of what it entailed. I tried to research as much as I could, but there wasn't very much information to be found on the Internet. I knew that I did not want a closed adoption, as I wanted to know about her and her well-being, but I did not want an open adoption because I felt like that was intrusion on her life, as well as for the life of her a-parents. The best decision I could have come up with at the time was a semi-open adoption, with the decision made by myself and Hope's a-parents to receive pictures and letters four times a year. I didn't know I could ask to see her once a year, maybe for her birthday. I didn't think to ask, and I surely didn't know that the older I got, the more I would regret that I failed to make that request.

When I signed over the relinquishment papers on September 11, 2005, I signed them over under the agreement that I would get pictures and letters of my beautiful daughter four times a year. I signed away my rights as her parent with the expectation imprinted in my mind that I would still be able to follow her life and her growth from the sidelines.

At first, the pictures and letters came as expected. I got pictures of her first Halloween as a pumpkin and her first Christmas. I got pictures of her at Valentine's Day and Easter. I was able to enjoy pictures of her with her cousins and some of her on vacation. Every time an envelope arrived in the mail, I was ecstatic by getting to see that the sacrifice I made was so incredibly worth it, as the beautiful smile on her face is priceless.

As time wore on, I have started to get pictures less frequently. I find that most of the time, I have to contact the adoption agency for pictures of her, leaving them to do the work of contacting them to hold up their end of the agreement. It almost feels as though they are trying to pull teeth, as the common excuse is that they have been busy and have not had the time to send pictures. The lady in charge of the post-adoption correspondence at the adoption agency I worked with says that this is quite common. She said that oftentimes, the birth parents who would like to hear from the a-parents have to keep after them to get the pictures and letters they initially agreed on, and usually, the birth parents who want no reminder of their children are the ones with a-parents who are constantly sending them mail. It's an unfair world.

At the request of the picture lady (as I call her), I wrote a letter to V&L, Hope's a-parents a few months ago. It was a short and simple letter telling them about how well I am doing in my life and about how much I look forward to the pictures and letters I receive from them every so often. I hoped it would be a reminder that I am still here, expecting that they hold up their end of our agreement. I mentioned that every time I got pictures of Hope, it gave me extra motivation to succeed. I offered my email address and said that if it was more convenient for them to correspond electronically, I would be happy with that.

A few weeks after I sent the card, on March 28th, I woke up and checked my email (as I do first thing every morning). I had an email from a name I didn't recognize titled "Pictures to Share". It was a simple note that said,

"Hello M,

Thanks for the nice note. It's good to hear that you and C are doing well. Social work seems like a good fit for you.
- V"

The email contained a link for a Kodak picture gallery with about 12 pictures of Hope. The pictures were from her at school, in her Halloween costume, during Christmas, at gymnastics, and on Valentine's Day. While there was nothing more said about Hope and her growth or her personality or anything else about her, it was the best unexpected surprise to see how beautiful and grown she is. It truly made my day. It took me awhile to respond to them, as I didn't know what to say, but I made sure to let them know how much I appreciated them sending me mail and that I always look forward to hearing from them. I felt like it was important to reiterate what I had written in the note I had originally sent them.

It's been 4 months since that email, and I have yet to hear back from V&L. No response to my email. No more links to anymore photo galleries. I have no pictures in my mailbox, nothing. I could choose to be angry at them and talk trash like most other birth moms do about their a-parents when their end of the deal is not held up, but I prefer not to. Talking bad about them would be immature and childish, as I was the one who selected them to be my daughter's parents. I do my best to be as understanding as possible as they both must be busy trying to maintain their daily lives with work, a home and a child. I make excuses for them in my head, reminding them that it is summer time and they are probably on vacation to some exotic place, as they usually take trips to various places.

It's hard not to feel like I am forgotten, though. I understand that they went through a lot to try to get pregnant and that dealing with infertility must have taken such an emotional toll on them. I get that they probably want to live their lives as normal as possible, trying to forget that they don't really share the same blood as their beautiful little girl.  They are, after all, her parents. They are the ones who brought her home from the hospital. The people who stayed up all night when she was hungry, or sick, or fussy. They have raised her to be the amazing little girl that she is. They are the nurture while I am the nature. Could nature really be forgotten?

I wonder if V&L look at her beautiful smile, or her big brown eyes, or her wildly curly hair and think to themselves which piece of her came from them. I wonder if people stop them on the street and compliment the cute little girl with them, saying she looks like her dad (who is also Hispanic). I wonder if they tell people she was adopted, or if they let the world believe that they created her, forgetting that I am also a part of that picture.

I know, it probably sounds like the rant of a crazy woman, since I was the one who chose to place her for adoption in the first place. Regardless of what excuse they have this time for not sending pictures, I'm not mad. I do my best to understand. Maybe being forgotten is a part of the process, and I just have to live with the fact that they just want to live as normal of a life as possible so that they can forget that they don't share the same blood as their daughter. I know I probably would. I just wish it was as easy for me to forget that we do.

It's Coming

((WARNING: I'm not sure how much sense this post might make as I try to type between sobs and through tears. This was the only available place to get out all the feelings I have inside of me at this hour))

September 9th

It's about a month and a half away. No, I don't need a calendar to remind me, nor do I need an alert on my phone or a sticky on my computer at work. I need a hug.

In a month and a half, my baby girl will be 6 years old. It will be 6 years since my life changed forever. 6 years since I gave birth to the piece of my heart I will never fully get back. It will be 6 years since that tiny little hand held onto my finger as I hoped and prayed to remember that day forever. Here I am, 6 years since, and I struggle to remember her as a newborn.

While I have her birthday written on my calendar, my heart needs no reminder of what is coming up in the near future. I feel it. I don't want to, but I do, and I carry the pain of missing her everywhere I go with me. I thought that surely this year would be different since I am in a better place in my life. I thought that this could possibly be the year that I would get through the painful parts and be just fine when it came to celebrating her birth and the life she would have not had had it not been for me. I thought that since I am happy, and growing into a successful woman, mother, and possibly future wife, that I would embrace her birthday with grace and only maybe a little bit of tears.

Well, I guess my heart has different plans than my thoughts as I sit here with tears in my eyes after having a ridiculous "Good Night" talk with J. After a long day of work, all he wants is a little talk about the day and what we did or saw. I was distant and withdrawn for most of our conversation and said something I shouldn't have. He didn't deserve the inappropriate comment I made, and although I recognize that it was probably a bad idea to say what I said, I didn't stop myself. The ugly side of me is starting to come out. The side where I self-sabotage and push everyone away as I shrink into a ball and feel sad as the anniversary of her "loss" approaches.

I'm sure a lot of people don't realize how much of a loss placing a child for adoption is. Actually, I don't know what it is people think of anyone who has placed a child for adoption. I find it to be so much more difficult than an actual loss of a loved one to death, as with adoption, you know that there is a piece of your actual flesh and blood walking around out there in the world. I know that there are very few people who could understand the pain in my heart and how much I miss this little person who is well and alive, but who I cannot touch, or hug, or kiss. There are even fewer people who know what it's like to hang out near the mailbox to wait for the pictures and letters she was promised four times a year only to be disappointed when it has always come up empty.

I have too much going on in my life to let all of this affect me as it has, but the more I try to fight it, the more it affects me in my subconscious. I dream about beautiful baby girls, crying in a distance, who I cannot manage a way to help.  I see little girls everywhere I go and fight the urge to cry as I wonder what my Hope is like. I have nightmares of not being able to have more babies and of her not ever wanting to meet me. I deal with all the real feelings and emotions that those Teen Mom shows forget to show you.

It's going to be a real struggle to emotionally get through this next month and a half. I know I have a good boyfriend by my side, so it will be even harder to try not to let my grief and emotions get in the way and self-sabotage what I have worked so hard for the past 7 1/2 months in my relationship. I know it's up to me to communicate things like this instead of the bad thoughts, but its hard for me to come out and say that I'm F'd up in the head because I miss my daughter. He's always saying how strong I am, and I hate appearing weak and fragile. It's not something I strive to be.

I will probably write a ton of blogs between now and Hope's birthday. It seems to be the only way I can get out all the feelings and emotions I have and probably the safest alternative to taking it out on J. I really hope and pray that we will make it through this, stronger than ever. I hope that he can learn more about me by going through this with me and that he doesn't decide to leave my side because I am a mess. I pray for myself to learn to deal with the emotions I feel in a much more positive way than I have done in the past. I have come too far along to lose it all again because I miss my baby. I promised that child I would be someone she could be proud of, and that's who I strive to be. I just have to prepare myself, because the floods of tears are coming....

When and How

"The deepest losses offer the widest openings for us to receive the miracles in our midst."

~Tami Lynn Kent

Adoption has been on my mind a lot lately. I don't know if it is because I am growing more and more into a better parent and person, going to school, and being more serious about life. I keep thinking about Hope, and how she would fit into my life here and now. I keep wondering what she is like or if she is on vacation now that it is summer time. I wonder if she would be proud of me, like I am proud of myself for all the changes that have occurred in my life. I actually hope both of my children will be proud of me.

When I said goodbye to my precious angel nearly 6 years ago, I promised her I would be someone she would be proud of if we were to meet again. I told the newborn baby that I held in my arms and cried over about how I was giving her a better life so that I could give her brother a better life as well. It has been a struggle, and definitely a difficult journey, but I haven't ever regretted my decision, even now that I am more stable than I was before. I find myself thinking about her when I make decisions regarding my life, even if she is not with me physically, because regardless, she is definitely with me in my heart.

With all this talk about marriage and a life together with J, I think about how C will fit into the picture and be a part of our family portrait. I also can't help but wonder what part Hope will play into that picture as well. I pray that she will decide to come look for me one day, or that we will stumble across each other in the streets or even on Facebook. I have hopes that we will one day be able to have some sort of relationship, not as a mother/daughter, but like long lost family, or even as friends. I probably have too much time on my hands to think because I find myself wondering how it would affect the dynamic of my relationship with C, as well as with J, and possibly our future children. These are things I never had to think about, as I never saw a future with anyone like I see it with J.

I find that one of my biggest dilemmas as of lately is figuring out when and how I am going to tell J's family about Hope. He and I have been dating for over 7 months now and I don't think this relationship is going anywhere other than forward. The deeper and deeper I fall for him, I find myself wanting to be closer to his family, especially his mom, because she is a good Christian woman and he holds her to such a high regard. It was hard for J to tell his mother I had a child when we first started dating, especially since I am the first girl he has dated with a kid, so I know that dropping a bomb that I am a birthmother is even worse. I'm not even sure how to go about in doing this.

I think about all the things that could go wrong in sharing with J's mom my history. I am afraid she will judge me and not want her son to date me. I worry she will think I am dirty or promiscuous. I am afraid she will think I am hiding more things about myself, and I would hate it if she doubted me. I know that ultimately, it is J I am dating, and not his family, and as long as he accepts me and my past in its entirety, than nothing else should matter, but it does. I think that had he not had this close of a relationship with his parents, I probably  wouldn't be stressing over this, but I am. I find that I feel this way because my own parents judge me, so I honestly can't see myself NOT being judged by people who I respect and care for. I truly hope that wouldn't be the case.

I don't know how much longer I can go, carrying on this weight in my heart of not telling his parents about Hope. A part of me feels that by not telling them about her is like deceiving them of the truth and not allowing them to really get to know the real me. Being a birthmom is what has made me who I am, and on top of being a single mom is one of the biggest driving forces in my life to succeed. It's just about getting the guts to say out loud to people whom I respect that I made mistakes in my past and have to live with those choices everyday of my life. I hate that I let this get to me as much as I do, but it is weighing on me that I can't be open about myself very many people, which I guess why this blog is so important to me (which is MY issue entirely). I guess only time will tell and when the time is right, it will happen. I can only put my trust in God, once again, that things will be ok and they will still accept me the way they do now. Regardless of what happens, though, I am thankful to know that J is by my side, and even knowing my "deepest, darkest secrets", we are happy and in love.

Happy Face

I feel like I have so many things to write about, yet I don't know where to start from. Maybe from the beginning... wait, I'm not even sure what the beginning is... lol

J and I have been spending more time together. Well, actually, not this past week, but the week before, we saw each other nearly 6 days in a row. How's that for complaining about not seeing each other enough? lol Too bad that with the exception of a date to dinner and the movies that Thursday, we were hardly alone AT ALL all weekend. While I love, love, love spending time with my little family (J and C) as well as with J's nephew, I need some alone time with my honey for more than 5 minutes! Learning how to deal with that has definitely been a challenge!

Aside from all of that, we have been doing quite well. The topic of marrige has come up alot lately, and I have become even more obsessed with wedding and engagement photography sites, as well as have signed up for David's Bridal emails... (geeze, I'm such a loser). We went to a Dodger game with C a few weeks ago and they handed us a catalog from Daniel's Jewler and J said "I better look through this because 18 months will be here sooner than we know." It made me feel good to know that the topic of marriage is not just something I think about, but so does he. It's exciting that we both are working towards the same goal by taking care of ourselves so that we may be able to take care of each other, as well as have a family of our own. I have to admit, though, the thought of being his Mrs. gives me chills. He truly completes me.

We have been doing a lot more activities with C, and honestly, I find myself falling more and more in love with J through his interactions with my son. They get along so well, so much better than C has ever gotten along with any other male I have brought around him. They play well together and C loves to give "group hugs" between the three of us which really make my day. I love getting texts at the end of the night from J about how much C is growing on him, and it makes me happy to know that he doesn't just care about me, he accepts the whole package and really cares about him too. I have never before experienced such a positive dating experience with someone who truly cares about the lil guy who comes along with me, so it's pretty amazing that this is everything I could've ever asked for, and MORE.

Everything in my life seems to be falling into place. Work is work, and last week marked 5 years since I have been here. I have a love/hate relationship with my job at times, but I am thankful for the relationships I have built here. Most of all, I am thankful for all the free advice I get from all these therapists. I have really been learning a lot about myself and my relationships, with my boyfriend, my family and my friends. I do my best not to react on a whim and to think things thru a little more carefully before I say or do something without thinking. It's been amazing to see my growth during this time, and I am truly appreciative of all that this job has prepared me to be.

Speaking of preparing me, today marks my first OFFICIAL day of school. I am currently on my way to obtaining my Bachelor's degree and I couldn't be happier. I am excited and slightly overwhelmed with the idea that this next class is a whopping 6 units. I cannot remember the last time I wrote a quarter-long research paper, but I have obviously done it before, and I can definitely do it again. I am determined to make this college experience a success and not disappoint the people who are supporting me, including J, C, J's family and my parents. I know it won't be an easy path, but I am definitely looking forward to the challenge...

J will be done in two weeks with his first set of classes. It's amazing to me how quickly nearly 8 weeks have gone by. It's probably a good indication of how quickly 18 months will pass and how quick it will be before he is done with school. It seems like just yesterday I was obsessing over how much this would change our relationship, and even though it has, we have been able to work through it and around it to make the best and most out of our time together.

Time flying for J's schooling is almost as amzing to me as to how fast it seems we have gotten to 7 months in of our relationship. Last week marked our 7 month anniversary. J said that 7 months was a far greater milestone to him than 6 months. I think it has alot more to do with the fact that the longer we are together, the closer we get to the one year mark, which is definitely a major milestone. It's amazing how effortless this relationship has been. I mean, don't get me wrong, it has taken work on both parts, and definitely some learning to get us to where we are at today, but the ease as to which this relationship has come with has been so utterly amazing to me. We don't fight or argue, and if we get into any tiffs, it's usually because we are frustrated and miss each other. We do our best to maximize the little bit of time we get together, and I appreciate every single moment I get with him by my side, whether it's alone or with other people.

People always comment on how happy I look in my pictures on Facebook or even in person, and the best part about it is I FEEL that happy. I don't think I could say I've ever been this GENUINELY in my whole life. I feel so complete, and granted yes, there are things that are missing from my life like a degree and a fabulous job and a place of my own, but as of right now, I have what I need and it doesn't get any better than this.