Dreams

Lately, I have been doing alot of thinking. Thinking about life, where I'm at in it, and where I'm headed. I have thought about how much I have accomplished, and how much I still need to get done. I have thought about the choices I have made and I wonder if I would make the same choices today. I am constantly changing, becoming a better person with each passing day, yet in my heart something is the same. That something is my love for both of my children, the one that is with me, and the one that isn't.

Lately, I've been having dreams about Hope. Dreams of meeting her in the street or watching her play at the park. In my dreams, she is mine. I am the one who dresses her and combs her hair. I am the one who pushes her on the swings or plays Barbies with her. I dream about C being her big brother, protecting her from harm and building her houses out of his Legos for her dolls. I dream of the three of us being a family together, welcoming in J, the prince charming I never thought I would have. I dream about him loving both of my babies the same and the four of us living a perfect life together.

Then I wake up. I wake up and realize that I will never see her play at the park as a child. I will never get to hear her laugh and giggle as she comes down the slide or as I push her on the swing. We will never sing together, or cuddle together. I will never know what her hair smells like or what her favorite color is. I will never know what her voice sounds like or what she is scared of. I will never know her favorite food or what she sounds like when she cries. I will never know what it feels like to hold her in the middle of the night when she is sick or scared.

All I will ever know is the girl in the pictures that I get from time to time. I know that she likes Strawberry Shortcake and Dora the Explorer. I know that she travels to places I have never been before and that she is in karate and gymnastics. I know that she is happy and well taken care of. But I don't know much else....

I never thought being a birthmom would be this hard. When I was pregnant with her and I made the decision to place her, I thought that if I didn't get attached to the growing mass inside my belly, I would be ok. I didn't think I would love her and care about her as much as I do. I didn't think I would think about her every day and every night. I didn't think my heart would ache as I wonder if I will ever have an opportunity to meet her again. I didn't think I'd wonder if she would eventually care to meet me. I didn't think the thought of meeting one day would consume me as much as it does. With each passing day, she is getting older. With each month that passes, and each birthday that comes around, it is one step closer to her getting old enough to make that decision.

I often think about what I would do or say if I ever got the opportunity to meet my princess again. I have played out scenarios in my head of bumping into her and her family at the mall or at the Farmer's Market. I wonder if I would have the courage to say something or if I would just walk in the opposite direction. Better yet, I wonder if her parents would recognize me and completely ignore me. Wondering what I would say or do is a constant thought in my head, especially with the small world that we live in.

I guess I've been thinking alot of my little angel lately now that I am on my way to a more successful future. I thank her (and C)  for giving me the push I need to move forward in life to be a better, more successful person. Everyday, I strive to be a little better and push a little harder, because for the past 8 years, life has no longer been about me, it's been about my children. I promised that little girl the day I said goodbye to her that when she met me again, I would be someone she could be proud of, and thats what I am working towards: being the person both of my children could look up at and be proud of.

Facing Fears

"The key to change… is to let go of fear.” –Rosanne Cash

I've been doing quite a bit of thinking lately. I've been so focused on the inevitable change we're about to face now that J is about to start school. I've been so caught up in his life that I haven't focused on mine. Why should he go on to make things happen for himself and me not do the same? Why would he want someone with no drive to succeed in her life? I'm smart and am filled with determination to make something out of myself.... or was that all talk?

This semester, I registered for a full load of classes, boasting about how I really didn't have too many left to do so that I could transfer. On top of a full time job, full time child, and full time boyfriend, I thought I would be brave and add a full course schedule. Oh how I was so ridiculously wrong. After a few weeks of going full speed, I crashed... and burned. I ended up so completely overwhelmed, I had to drop classes because I was so behind. This made me feel like such a failure. I did so well last semester and was so proud of myself, and this completely ruined my self-esteem. It's no wonder I have been so scared of the change we are about to face. I didn't want to be left with nothing to be proud of for myself.

The day of C's First Communion, my aunt and I had a talk about school. She was telling me I needed to hurry up and get out of the community college. She said I needed to transfer and move on with my life already. I knew it needed to be done, but it was a wake up call resonating in the back of my mind this past week and a half. That mixed with the fact that J started school on Saturday and the thought of wanting to move forward with my life and be someone C (and Hope) could be proud of got the wheels in this head of mine spinning.

I had to stop being afraid of change. I needed to take a step forward with my future and make my life different than what it currently is. I needed to just get up and say "F*@! IT" and do what I gotta do to get ahead.

Today, I put my fears aside and took a step forward with my life. I applied for Capella University, an online college a friend of mine recently obtained a Masters degree from. I got all the information necessary and decided it would be a great fit for me and my busy lifestyle. My goal will be to obtain a Bachelors in Arts in Public Service with a focus in Criminal Justice, my original major that I chose to pursue right out of high school. I figured that since Capella doesn't offer a Social Work program, I could finish off the Criminal Justice degree and get my Masters in Social Work when I am done. My projected end date, if all my classes transfer, is 2 to 2.5 year from now and I'll have a Bachelors degree in my possession. Whoa... talk about a change, right?

I'm a little overwhelmed with this decision. It was a big decision to make on my own. I consulted with J to get his opinion on my decision, especially because this means I will incur some debt in student loans. He totally supported my choice and said whatever debt I take on from this we will deal with (he also joked that he would pimp me out to pay for both of our student loans). With that, I made the move and spoke with an enrollment counselor and next thing I knew, I was going through the application process. Next step is financial aid.

Omg!

I'm actually doing this. If all goes well, I will be starting school on July 11th. Do I even believe this is happening? Not yet. At least not until I have confirmation that this is really going to happen. I am excited and nervous, but so thankful to finally be able to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I am determined to complete this with success, moreso because I have so many more things I would like to accomplish with my life.

I'm not planning on telling anyone other than whoever is reading this blog about this step in my life. I plan on letting people believe I am going to community college to obtain my Associates and slapping them in the face with the diploma that says I'm ready for the next step. My goal is to prove to everyone who thought I would always be a failure wrong and show them, as well as myself and my children that the mistakes I have made in my life shouldn't have had to determine what my future would be like. So yay me, for taking a chance and making a change. It won't be an easy road ahead, but getting to my destination will be worth so it in the end.