The one thing I have truly become so thankful for these past few days is that I am so lucky to have a boyfriend like J. He is is so amazing to me, and I have no words to describe his patience and willingness to accept me as I am, damaged goods and all. He is truly my prince charming, and someone I can't imagine my life without, especially when it comes to dealing with an emotional wreck such as myself. He has shown me what a real man is by being the arms to run to and the shoulder to cry on. He is the greatest gift, aside from my children, that God could have ever given me. He is truly the sunshine on my darkest days and is the best at trying to understand me when I could barely understand myself.
I found that the key to getting through times like these is keeping busy, because essentially, it keeps me off of facebook, which only makes me see more of what I am missing out on. Thankfully, I was able to keep busy all weekend, and I didn't get on FB that often. Despite a breakdown on Thursday night that made me want to hide under my covers and sleep through the next few days, I made it through and survived the weekend.
On Friday, I woke up dreading work. I felt so drained, and wanted to be anywhere but at work. I kept thinking about Charlotte, and how I wasn't there when I shoulda been there. I was thinking about the things I'd be doing if I was there and who I'd be spending time with. But instead, I was stuck working, which now that I think of it, was probably the best thing to me. Despite irritations with coworkers and a lack of patience on my part, I made it through the day and treated myself to a deluxe pedicure after work. I was able to spend a couple of hours with J, doing a little bit of shopping and a whole lot of crying. I was snappy, and short, and angry, and constantly had a hot/cold temperament. I really felt as though my emotions were uncontrollable, and I wished that I cold step outside my body, grab and shake myself to snap out of it, but I couldn't. I really wasn't myself, and I definitely showed my boyfriend a side of me he has never seen. When it came time to say goodbye, I didn't want to let him leave, because I felt like I just needed him. That day was probably one of the hardest times to see him drive off.
That night, I went out with my friend. I was bummed out that J decided not to go with us, but had been looking forward to spending some time with one of my main girl friends. Although I still wasn't much of myself, I tried to enjoy my night as much as I could. It was my opportunity to not think about the stuff that has clouded my mind. I'm thankful to have such a great friend to talk to and laugh with, who I could be myself and not worry about being judged.
The next day, after a rough morning, I was able to pick myself up enough to spend some time with J. He picked me up with flowers and a card in hand. I read the card and cried. It was the sweetest card anyone has ever given me. It read:
I know things aren't easy for you right now...
You may be wondering how you're going to deal with everything that's facing you.
But I know you -
you have a strong spirit -
and even though it might be hard for you to believe,
I know you have what it takes to get through this time.
And if you ever need to talk or if you'd like the support of a friend,
I'll always be here with open arms, a listening ear, and a loving shoulder to lean on.
And most important,
I'm here to remind you....
as often as you need...
that things are going to be okay.
That was the first time in a long time that I felt comforted to know that I truly am not alone in this. While he may not ever understand the feelings I endure as I miss my baby, he does the very best he possibly could to offer me the love and support as a boyfriend. He has done the most amazing job ever, and it made me cry to know that I have such a wonderful man by my side. I was practically speechless, and anyone who knows me knows what a huge feat that is.
J and I decided to have drinks and appetizers while trying to decide what we were going to have for dinner. I have never cooked for him during the past 5 months since we started dating, and so I agreed to make dinner. It felt good to spend time together without the rush of daily life. It was nice to enjoy one another's company as we shopped for groceries, and went home to cuddle on the couch and watch tv together. It was a nice change of pace to watch the UFC fight in his arms, and cook dinner for him while he enjoyed the fights. It felt amazing to sit down at a dinner table with no one else to worry about but ourselves. I love the feeling of comfort and warmth that he provides me with. I've never felt so safe from harm. He is everything I could have ever asked God for, and more.
All good things come to an end, and before we knew it, it was late. So Saturday ended, and in came Sunday. It was a new day of feeling refreshed and full of life. I made it a point to enjoy the last day of C's spring break with him. We went to have breakfast and to the Festival of Books at USC with my parents. It was a beautiful 90 degree day - the kind of day where you thank God for the beautiful flowers and trees and for family. I enjoyed spending quality time with C, as he always has such a knack for putting a smile on my face. It was a nice way to end my weekend as well. It was the kind of weekend that almost made me forget why I have been so sad, and instead made me grateful for what I have.
There won't be a day that goes by without me thinking about Hope, but I don't have to travel across the country to be with my "sisters" to honor her. Granted, I miss being with the only women who could truly understand the feelings I feel because they feel them too, I am quite blessed to be able to honor her here with the people I care about and who care about me too. I've learned that just because someone doesn't completely understand the feelings and pain that I have associated with this time of year, doesn't mean that they don't love me. The fact that they try makes a world of difference and at the end of they day I find myself thanking God for making me one of the luckiest women in the world. <3
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