Merry Christmas, Little One

Dear My Beautiful Daughter,
Today is Christmas. It is the sixth Christmas I've had to celebrate without you in my arms. The sixth year of wondering what Santa left for you under the tree and if you wake up early, excited for his arrival the night before. This is the sixth year of wondering what the look of delight in your face is like when you wake up and discover the gifts under the tree in the morning, or do you open your gifts in Christmas Eve? You would think that six years would make this easier for me, but it isn't.

There's not a day that goes by where I don't think about you. I wonder what you're doing or where you're going or how you are celebrating your holidays. There isn't a day that I don't wonder what life would've been like had I kept you here with me and your brother, where I wonder if you would be as happy as you are now.

I bought you a gift this year. It's a beautiful Pocahontas doll. I know I never bought you anything before, but I just never knew what to get you. I cried when I stood in line to purchase your gift. It was a step made in overcoming my issues... Or so I thought. I'm sorry, but the gift is still in the trunk of J's car, where it has been since I purchased it. I have been struggling with myself to send it, and am still battling my thoughts and feelings because I'm afraid you may not like it. I'm afraid you will wonder why now, and not the past six years. I am afraid of a lot of things.

This is the hardest Christmas ever. I've never been this way and I am struggling in so many ways. I am upset. I am hurt. I am broken on the inside. It's no ones fault but my own that you aren't here. For the first time ever, I regret my choice. The selfish part of me wishes I had kept you here with me so that I could celebrate days like this with you. But like I said, its selfish of me to think that way.

I keep checking my email to see if your parents will send me an email or a picture of you for Christmas. I keep hoping that somehow, someway, things would be different and maybe they would think of me for once this year, but maybe it was too much to pray for.

I miss you, little angel. Like a lot. I wish you were here to celebrate this day, to fill the hole in my heart that was created the day I said goodbye to you. I hope you have a Merry Christmas. I love you forever and for always.

Love,
With every ounce of my heart,
Your Birthmom

The Best Year of My Life

"I love you not only for who you are, but for what you are when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but what you are making of me." ~ Roy Croft

It's so amazing how life can change so dramatically from almost one day to the next, and it is more amazing how fast time seems to fly when you are having fun. A little over a year ago, I was enjoying life as a single woman, going out to clubs and bars and frequenting happy hours. I was enjoying nights out with my girls, and hanging out on Sundays watching sports with my guy friends. I would drink like a fish, and besides work, and school, and C, I really had nothing else to worry about.

A couple of days after Thanksgiving of last year, on a rainy Saturday night, I was home doing mommy stuff with C and in during breaks of working on his project due the following Monday, I started texting back and forth with a handsome EMT who I have met through friends but not officially met. This guy made me laugh, and I can remember us talking and texting till really late that night. It was so awesome to meet someone who had such a similar sense of humor as mine. Throughout the following week, we found ourselves talking and texting nonstop.. this guy made me laugh in ways no one could.

Around mid-week of that first week we had been talking, I came up on some tickets for the USC vs. UCLA rivalry that following Saturday. I had asked some friends if they wanted to go, but everyone seemed so flaky. I asked my sexy EMT who I had been texting all week if he was up for going, and he said sure. He was going to just go and tailgate with friends, so he was pretty stoked about the invitation to go to the game. I was excited that he said yes, but so so nervous at the same time. We agreed that he would pick me up at 6am and we would tailgate and hang out until game time at 7pm.

On the morning of December 4, 2010, I woke up extremely early, got ready and waited for this guy to pick me up. A little bit past 6am, this silver Lexus pulled up to my house, and this hot, buff guy in a USC jacket came out. I think it was love at first sight <3 That was the first time I met J in person, and I was mesmerized (an instantly self conscious because he looked like a gym rat and I had never stepped foot near a gym). I was glad his friend was in the car with us and we all were talking on the way to meet his friend's friends.

We got to the Rose Bowl at around 8am, and had a full day ahead of us of drinking, and playing games, and getting to know all the people in the group we went with. We gelled so well together, and it was pretty awesome how well I got along with his friend and his friend's girlfriend. They made me feel comfortable and welcomed, as well as J was always checking on me to see how I was doing. Around 3 hours into this "date", I text a friend of mine and told her "I think I just met my future husband". Maybe I was intoxicated, or maybe the fact that this guy proved to me in a short amount of time that he was unlike any guy I had ever met... either way, it was probably one of the first times I have ever uttered those words about anyone in my life.

J and I went to the game, he got to meet my friend and his girlfriend, and we got to enjoy seeing our team beat their rivals. It was an all around great time. Not to mention, he and I really hit it off extremely well. We went to grab some food after the game with his friends and cuddled in the back seat while his friend drove us home. When he dropped me off at 1am, I couldn't even believe that I had such an amazing time and that I spent the past 18 hours with such wonderful company. Who would've known that that first date would change my life in so many ways...

Here I am, a year later, putting the pieces together of how this relationship came about. I thank God every day for blessing me with the most wonderful, amazing man to ever come into my life (aside from my dad and my son). I never thought a love like this was possible, but I am so glad to be the one to be able to prove otherwise. I truly feel lucky and special to experience this, and am so glad that he seems to feel the same way I do.

Throughout the course of the past year, we have done and seen a lot, more than I have in any other relationship. We have gone to museums, on three trips to San Diego, to a USC game, a couple of Dodgers games, a Galaxy game, a Laker game and a Charger game. We have met each other's families, and our families have met each other - and actually liked each other. We have celebrated birthdays, our own and C's, and he has been by my side as I went through the roller coaster of emotions when it was Hope's birthday. He has been a pillar of strength when I didn't think I had any left in me, and he has been a constant motivator, pushing me to succeed in all I do. He has become my one true love, my soul mate, and my best friend.

I know that being my boyfriend isn't always easy. Getting used to dating a girl with a child has been difficult at times for J, but he has done an amazing job at accepting C and being an amazing role model for him. As hard as it has been for him to know about what it is to date a birthmom, he has been great at trying his best to understand. He has been there to hold me and hug me when the emotions hit me out of nowhere. He is patient and understanding when I get into my moods. He does his best to communicate with me when I try to shut him out, and when he have "hard" times, they really aren't that hard. To say he is amazing is an understatement.

Since we started dating, I have changed and become such a different person. Partying and hanging out at the bar are not as fun to me any more. I find that I have more fun spending time on the couch watching movies or at the table doing homework with J by my side. I enjoy time that we spend with C the most, as I feel that our bond only strengthens and the possibility of a future family is even brighter. Seeing the two of them together makes me so happy to know that this is what my future consists of - the three of us.

I have always believed that God creates us with a matching piece. When the pieces are put together, it's somewhat like a completed puzzle, as it creates a beautiful picture. By having J in my life, I feel that my puzzle has been completed, and now it's up to us to determine the picture that the world will see. I don't see myself with anyone else by my side. I don't want to imagine my life without him in it. He is my one true love and I am so grateful to have been able to be his girlfriend this past year.

Happy Anniversary, My Love <3

Being Thankful

Today is Thanksgiving. It's a day to give thanks for all of life's blessings, so I decided that I am going to dedicate today's post to voicing who and what I am most grateful for in my life.

First and foremost, I am beyond grateful to have such a happy, healthy, smart, loving, amazing child. C is my reason for waking up each morening, getting out of bed when I would much rather sleep, and for braving the cold, heat, wind, sleet, rain, hail, or snow, to catch the bus and work all day. I am so proud of that child, and each day of his life, there hasn't been a moment where he hasn't ceased to amaze me. I don't know what the past 8 years of my life would've been like without him in them, and although they haven't been easy times, I wouldn't trade them for the world. That child is my motivation and determination to succeed and be someone he could be proud of one day.

I am beyond grateful this year to have one of the most amazing, loving, caring, sweet, generous, sexiest boyfriends in the entire world. Having J come into my life a year ago was the biggest blessing God has ever given me, aside from being able to become a mother. I have never in my life thought that I would be so lucky to find someone who I could consider to be my soulmate. Ever since the moment he came into my life, I have known that J was different, and throughout the past year, he has proven me time and time again that he is. The gratitude I feel for him is almost inexplicable, as he has taught me many life lessons, such as patience, unconditional love, happiness, and how to be able to count on someone. He is the one person who I love to hear from when I wake up, and the last person I want to talk to before bed. He is my one true love and I cannot wait until the day we start our own family together.

Speaking of family, I am quite grateful for having the family I have. I know they are the source of many of my gripes and complaints, but they have been there for me through thick and thin throughout the roughest years of my life, even if they didn't support my choices and decisions. Thanks to my parents, I have a roof over my head and food in my tummy. They help me out with C and I don't think I could ever repay them for all they have done for the both of us. In addition for being thankful for my own family, I am also very grateful for J's family. They have amazingly wonderful and supportive of everything in my life throughout the past year, and I don't think I could've been so lucky to find an amazing boyfriend with an equally amazing family.

I didn't know where to put this next item on myy list at in regards to the order of things I am thankful for in my life. It's probably a weird thing to be grateful for, but I am. I am most thankful for having had the opportunity to have been blessed with a wonderful family to adopt my little angel. While holidays are usually the source of pain throughout the past few years, this year, I am more thankful than anything that my child has been blessed with a loving, caring family who loves her tremendously. As selfish as this next statement may sound, I am grateful for all the opportunities I have had since the adoption to make my life "right". I promised my little angel that I would be a better person the day she decided to meet me in the future, and slowly, but surely, I am living up to that promise. I wouldn't be where I am at in my life without that experience, and while I miss her so much everyday, I know that I made the best choice for all of us and for her.
I am also pretty thankful for having a job. In this day and age, with the economy being what it is, anyone with a job should be grateful. Yet, within the past year, I have gotten a raise, kept my job, and been given more hours to work. I am most absolutely blessed for having been given an opportunity to not to have to struggle or stress like many people out there. Although life is definitely not easy, it is a lot easier to know that I have a steady income that I can depend on to pay for what needs to be paid for.

While some may not consider it an opportunity to be grateful for, I am super lucky to have the to have the chance to go to school and be on my way to earning a degree. Nowadays, you can't work a decent job without having AT LEAST a Bachelors.

Most importantly, I am super grateful for the chance to wake up each day, open my eyes, take a deep breath of air, and walk out of bed. I have my health, all my body parts, and a positive attitude that has helped get through some of the roughest days. Thank you, God, for all of these things and more.

Crazy Month

I feel like so much has gone on in my life during the past month, and I really haven't had much of a chance to blog besides a rant about birthmoms. It was a great month of celebrating two very special birthdays at the beginning (C and J's birthdays that are about a week and a half apart from one another) and the rest of the month has been spent planning the trip J and I are taking to Sand Diego this weekend. This trip couldn't have come at a better time.

After C's birthday was over and done with, I was on a mission to plan for J's birthday. After all, he was about to turn 30 and that was a big milestone, in and of itself. I had gotten together with his mom and she and I planned a surprise birthday party for him. It was one of the hardest and biggest secrets to have to try to pull off. Luckily, I did and it was a great success.

On J's actual birthday, I had gone over to his house as soon as he left for school. His parents and I got everything ready and I rushed home to get ready since he was supposed to pick me up for "dinner" with his family later on. When we got to his house, with C unable to look J in the eyes the whole way there, the family came out with balloons, and his friends came out behind them. J was in absolute shock. I wish I could've taken a picture of the whole thing. I thought he was upset with me as he didn't talk to me for almost an hour after we had gotten there. Luckily, he was just so extremely happy, he didn't know how to react (or so he says).:) It was nice to be able to celebrate his birthday with his family and some of his closest friends. I'm sure he enjoyed it as well.

In addition to a Chargers themed party, I bought J tickets to the Chargers/Broncos game this weekend. Since the craziness of party planning was over, and the relief of not having to keep such a huge secret from him took over, I got to look forward to planning a trip down to San Diego for this coming weekend. We both have been in desperate need of a break from reality, and J, being the wonderful boyfriend that he is, decided that we should have double reason to celebrate on this trip. The occasion: his 30th birthday and our 1 year anniversary! YUP! 1 year! Well, not technically yet a year because our anniversary is a week from Sunday (December 4th) but this weekend will be a year since we first started talking. Its so amazing to see how far we have come in a year, and I am so beyond excited to celebrate it out of town, together for 4 days and 3 nights in one of our favorite cities. I am looking forward to the surprises that my wonderful boyfriend has planned for me when we get there on Friday, and am also looking forward to hanging out with our friends who are coming on Saturday to celebrate with us as well. It will definitely be a weekend to remember.

With all the busy-ness of party and trip planning, as well as being busy with work that feels like two jobs, I am happy to report that I am in the midst of week 7 of the quarter at school and I am doing extremely well in my class. Yay me! I have put in tremendous hard work and effort into my school work and have really been proud of myself for kicking butt in school. I still have 3 1/2 more weeks left in the quarter, but I have faith in myself that I will get through it and succeed. So excited to get through the first hurdle of starting an online program. I am well on my way to a Bachelor's Degree in no time...

All in all, I have been in a positive, upbeat mood for the most part this past month. I have been super excited and happy for all the blessings that have come my way and I look forward to what else is in store for me. I am definitely one happy chick for having gotten through such a crazy month. Definitely excited for this upcoming weekend away. :)

Stop Playing the Victim

WARNING: This blog post might possibly be offensive to some, but I had to vent, so I am apologizing in advance.

I am a mom. I am a girlfriend. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a friend. I am a birthmother.

What the heck does being a birthmother mean? It means I have made one of the ultimate sacrifices to provide my blood with a life I wouldn't have been able to provide had I parented two children. It means I have to miss her on holidays and her birthdays, feeling a pain I never felt before. It means I have to wonder who she is, what she's like, where she's at, and how she is doing. It means I have to miss out on firsts, such as her first step, her first words, her first day of school, her first loose tooth, her first everything. It doesn't mean that I can go around with this woe is me attitude for a decision I MADE ON MY OWN.

Adoption is a hard and difficult choice. Do I regret it? Heck no. NEVER! Would I do it again? Umm, I'd like to think I wouldn't be stuck in the same position I was in 7 years ago when I found out I was pregnant. Would I change things about my adoption? I don't think so. Am I happy about the choice I made? I don't think happy is the word to describe how I feel about giving my opportunity to live a life I wouldn't have otherwise been able to provide, for her and for my son.

Hope, as well as C, have things that they probably would have been able to go without had I chosen to parent both. It was what was best for them, although I know it will be a difficult road ahead as they get older and have more questions and probably some resentments due to my choices. Am I prepared for that? Probably not, but how can one really prepare for the questions kids ask? I guess we will take it all as it comes in the future.

So why the blog post?

A few weeks ago, I had written about a support group I had joined on good ol' Facebook. At first, this support group was amazing. I read so many different stories about how so many women got to be birthmothers as well. All the women in that group had a different story leading to the same ending: pain, sadness, and the bittersweet thought of knowing that we were making the choice to give our babies a better life. We all deal with the pain and emotion that comes with grieving the loss of our babies that we technically didn't really "lose". We deal with the sadness of not being able to celebrate important milestones with "our children". It was almost like we were sisters, brought together by such a sad, almost unspoken, tragedy in our lives.

As time went on, however, I realized that I am very different from most other birthmothers. A lot of the girls on there seemed to be playing the part of the victim. Time and time again, I would read stories badmouthing adoptive parents. Stories of how terrible the a-parents were to these birthmothers, one set of parents having a case against the bmom for harassment. I read stories about these women who continue to cry over, and over, and over about their choice of adoption, and it almost disgusted me. The place for support was just somewhere to rant and rave about all the negative crap. Why not be happy about the good things.

I decided I no longer wanted to be a part of this group. I am in such a good place in my life, I didn't want to get sucked up in such a negative, angry energy. But for some reason, just like staring at a bad car accident, I continue to check back with the group from time to time to see all the train wreck headcases that continue to post. I am in awe by how terrible these "women" make being a birthmom look.

I get it, we all have made mistakes in our lives. In the case of a birthmother, giving birth is proof of such mistakes - lack of protection and better judgement, to say the least. Granted, there are some who didn't have a choice, who have been raped or assaulted, and to those women I give the ULTIMATE RESPECT to. But to the other women, being a birthmother doesn't necessarily earn you an award for runner up to sainthood like Mother Theresa. No one owes you anything for placing your baby, and I'm sorry, but you don't get my sympathy vote when you let it happen over and over again.

Let me take a step back to paint a picture as to what I mean. I was a single mother before I became a birthmother. I made the choice I NEEDED to make to fix my mistakes. Yes, as much as I love my children, it was a MISTAKE to get pregnant at that point in my life - BOTH TIMES. After having to go through the pain of placing Hope, there was no way in hell I would put myself through such an emotional roller coaster again. I have done all I can to ensure that I stay protected and don't have another "accident" as I did before. Granted, I am in a WAY better place in my life than where I was 6 years ago, but there's no way I am going to get pregnant until I am really ready. I wish I could say the same for some of the other birthmoms I have come across. Abortions, second sometimes third adoptions - when is enough, enough? When will women learn their lesson and stay protected? Is it that hard to purchase condoms or birth control in a country such as ours that offers birth control at Planned Parenthood for free to low cost? Adoption is AMAZING, but so is safe and protected sex.

So many people are talking about National Adoption Awareness Month, which is completely amazing that it is nationally recognized (although it seems more to be for the other two parts of the triad than the birthmother part). It is so great for there to be more awareness and education about adoption, BUT when will there be a National Safe Sex Awareness Month? When will people learn that while sex is so much fun, it isn't that much fun if you're not prepared and protected for it? When will they learn that adoption and abortion aren't forms of birth control? Why are people so afraid to talk about these things, especially in the birthmother world?!

I guess it's time to get off my soapbox, and honestly, I really am sorry if I've offended anyone by this post. I just really needed to explain how I feel. I don't portray myself as a victim. I made the choices I made to get me to where I am today. I feel like I deserve the pain and heartache I feel on her birthdays and near Mother's Day. It's a reminder of a situation I don't ever want to be in and deal with again, and it keeps me focused on making the proper choices so that it doesn't happen. I just wish other women would follow suit and keep from making the same mistakes over and over again....

Falling Tears

What are you supposed to do on days when you just want to give up? Days when waking up and getting out of bed and going to work and doing what needs to get done is so much hard work and takes up so much energy? I wish I had stayed under the covers all day today. My head hurts, my heart hurts and my eyes hurt from so much crying, and really, to be honest, I'm not sure why.

Yesterday was C's birthday party. It was a lot of work and it sucked the life out of me, but I made it through and my little guy had a great time, his friends came, he got some great gifts and everyone enjoyed themselves. My parents and J's parents finally met and they got along really well, probably better than I could imagine. I should be happy, right? Yeah, not so much. The moment the party was over, I just felt really sad. I felt like I stepped into a deep hole and I am trapped. I have felt overwhelmed, emotional, sad and even lonely. I can't even explain what it is that made me feel this way especially after a day that was supposed to be happy.

Granted it was a birthday party for my son, it really hurt me that my "friends" that I invited didn't come. They didn't even call. I am grateful that one of my friends showed, as did one of J's friend and his girlfriend who also become a good friend, but no one else did, not even his "godmother". I am really disappointed and have come to the conclusion that I don't really have friends, and if I do, I don't really know who they are. I have no one I could count on and really, honestly, my heart breaks because I feel alone. I can't always depend on J to be there by my side forever.

I have been overly paranoid and sensitive lately, more than my usual emotional mess. I have been clingy and have needed reassurance just to get through my days. I am even sick and tired of myself, but I can't snap out of it. I almost feel like giving up, and I really don't want to go back to that dark part of my life. I am fighting and willing to do anything I can so I don't fall into the hole that was depression. I have too many good things going in my life for me to go through all of that again.

I hate that this has carried into every aspect of my life. I practically cry when J leaves. I feel so empty when he isn't around, and yet lately, when we've been together, we haven't had very much quality time. I am having a really hard time with the fact that his female partner at work is carpooling with him. I HATE it, to be honest, that another woman is spending more time with my man during the week than I do on the weekends. I HATE that I don't know her, and while I don't want to know her, I should. I am so angry and upset and it's not even his fault. I think I'm more upset because I want him to hold me and hug me and let me cry in his arms and never let me go, but that's not reality... yet, I forgot what is.

I don't understand what did me in like this. I was fine just a few weeks ago, and yet here I am talking about giving up and having all this pain and sadness and not even knowing where its coming from. Ok, well maybe I do, and I wish there was something that could make it go away...

A few posts ago, I think I wrote about R & H. J has known R since second grade and he is one of his best friends. His wife, H, has been pregnant and due in a few weeks. Two weeks ago, she had some problems and went to the hospital where they performed an emergency C-section to deliver the baby. The baby was born with some complications, as well as had some swelling in her brain. R kept J updated through text with news about the procedure the baby had to undergo. She was a little fighter, or so it seemed. Unfortunately, she was faced with too tough of a battle and left this earth to become a little angel in Heaven on Friday. We found out Saturday and things just haven't been the same with me ever since.

I can't stop crying or thinking about her. I can't stop thinking about the pain and sorrow that R & H are dealing with right now. They have constantly been on my mind, and honestly, while I was celebrating my own wonderful, healthy child, I couldn't help but feel sad for them. I think that this has affected me more than it needs to because it was a reminder of my own loss. Granted, Hope hasn't passed away, and she is still a smiling, beautiful healthy child, but she's not my child. I felt like learning about the baby's passing brought on so many feelings of guilt and resentment, feelings I haven't had in a long time.

I can't stop thinking about how much pain both R & H must be in, but I feel the most about H. She carried that baby inside of her for 8 months. She felt her move and kick and grow. She rubbed her tummy like a proud mommy to be and talked about this baby with excitement as she showed off her brand new stroller that would be great for walks with the newborn and their one and a half year old daughter. She gave birth to this baby and has the scar to prove it, but nothing more. Just like me, she went home from the hospital empty handed, but unlike me, she has a bassinet and a freshly painted baby room with no baby to put in it. Life is so unfair and so messed up.

I've been questioning God a lot, lately. I have been so incredibly angry and upset with him. Why did this have to happen to such amazing people? Why couldn't this have happened to me six years ago instead? I was the one who got pregnant with a baby she couldn't possibly take care of. I was the one who hid my pregnancy for 9 months. I was the one who didn't go to the doctor and get prenatal care. I was the one who woke up every morning, mad at God for giving me another day of life. I was the one who contemplated ways to die or at least ways to make the thing growing inside of me go away. I was the one who gave birth to a beautiful and perfectly healthy baby girl who has just celebrated being on this earth for 6 years. Why me? I couldn't even take care of this child, and granted, I gave her the gift of life and the opportunity to live a long and happy life that I otherwise wouldn't have been able to provide for her, why was she born healthy, and not R & H's baby.

I can't even put into words how deeply this has affected me. I am sitting here at work choking back tears because this all makes me feel like a terrible person, an awful mother. I didn't want my baby and she was born perfect. This wonderful, happily married couple wanted their baby and she has lost her life. This has cut open old wounds and opened up new ones as I find myself so incredibly sad and hopeless about the situation. I also feel like how can I sit here and cry about how much I miss my baby when there's hope I may someday hold her, yet here is this woman who will never be able to hold her child in her arms until she meets her in heaven.

I feel like I can't breathe. There's a heavy weight on my chest and an overwhelming sense of sorrow within me. I decided I need to go back to counseling. For the sake of my sanity and my relationship, it needs to be done. I have way too many issues to deal with and the last think I want to do is regress to the old me, especially when I have worked so hard to be the new me. I want to be happy again and I want to be able to genuinely smile again. I don't want to feel so sad and so angry and so whatever it is I am feeling. I need to change, and if I don't make that change soon, I'm only headed on a downward spiral. There's no way I could go through that again, not now, not ever.

Fear

Anyone who knows me really well could tell you that I am a very fearful person. I fear a lot of things, such as spiders, moldy sandwiches, and the dark (don't laugh at me). I fear losing someone I love, losing my job, and losing my life. One of my biggest fears, however, is getting hurt by someone I love, or even worse, me hurting someone I love.

C's birthday is 6 days away. On top of being busy with work and school, I have feverishly been trying to plan a little extravaganza for him to enjoy his special day. As with every year I plan a party for him, I go into reflection mode, and not the good kind. I fall into this "woe is me" mood and I admit it isn't healthy. I hate that my thoughts keep me up till late hours of the night, they cause paranoia within me that spread into my own current relationship as well as cause me to create problems in my life when there aren't any.

Why am I like this? I'm not sure. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that C turning a year older is a reminder of how much my life changed when I found out I was going to have a baby 8 1/2 years ago. His birthdays are a reminder of the pain I endured as he grew inside of me - both emotionally and physically, as I found out I got cheated on when I was 7 months pregnant and the abuse and threats he put me through when I confronted him about it. His birthdays remind me of my constant struggle throughout the past 8 years as a single mother - of me having to learn how to grow up, be responsible, and truly care for someone else. His birthdays remind me of the greatest gift God has ever given me, a gift that I haven't always appreciated as much as I should have throughout the past 8 years.

I'm sitting here at work, crying my eyes out as I write this blog. No one understands what you go through until they go through it themselves. No one understands how hard it has been to get through the darkest days since I became a mother. They don't understand all the pain, tears and sweat that has gone into trying to raise my son on my own. I've been blessed to have the family I do, even if they aren't good to me. Without them, I probably wouldn't be where I am at today and neither would C.

Last night, J and I had a talk on the way home from his house. We talked about C's Sperm Donor. We talked about how he thinks I should give C the opportunity to meet his SD. He said that if he finds out I knew where he was all along, and that I am the one that kept him from meeting him, that he will resent me and be upset at me for doing so. I feel that this situation is such a Catch-22. I am trying to protect my son from all the things I went through. I want to protect him from being harmed in any way possible. I also have to admit, though, that I am scared.

I am scared that after all the hard work I have put into being C's mom - the waking up in the middle of the night, the taking care of him when he was sick, the sitting together and doing homework or projects - will all go out the window when he meets him. I am afraid that he will forget about all I have done for him and that he will love this person more than me. I am so afraid that his want and need of a dad in his life is so great, that he won't want me anymore. Granted, these are probably irrational fears, but it really hurts to even think about it.

This is all territory that I am so unfamiliar with. I grew up with both a mom and a dad, a good one at that. My dad has always done his best to be there for us, day in and day out. He and my mom worked as a team to raise us three girls, and he was always the pillar of our family, holding it down, especially through tough times. That was my ideal and something that I always wanted for my own children - a mom and dad to love them unconditionally, who never missed a birthday, or holiday or special event. I feel like I have failed my son by not being able to provide him with that.

The sadness and reflection that has fallen upon me as we celebrate the life of my Lil guy is not only about his life, but mine as well. I have come a long way from the 20 year old girl who was pregnant with a baby she was unprepared for. I had such low self-esteem and didn't love myself enough at that point in my life to think I was worthy of anything good. I felt that if my own boyfriend, the father of the baby growing inside of me, didn't want me, no one ever would. I always felt inferior to the world. As disgusted as I was by the situations I had to deal with, situations that no one should ever have to go through, I felt that maybe that's what I deserved because I simply wasn't a good enough person. Sadly, as much as I have grown and changed throughout the years, I still carry that fear.

It has taken me a lifetime to find a man that I want by my side for the rest of my life. I never thought it would be possible to feel love like this, to miss someone so much the moment they drive off, to plan a future together and pray every night that my dreams of waking up with him by my side will come true. I want J to be the father of my future children, to be my husband, to always be my best friend. I want to grow old with one another and hold his hand, throughout the good, the bad, and the ugly. The one thing I don't want is to continue punishing him for the mistakes of others.

My irrational fear is that J will hurt me. That he will break my heart into a million pieces. I fear that he will find a prettier, thinner, smarter woman and cheat on me with her. I fear that the promises he has made to me will be broken, and not only will I have to deal with heartbreak, so will my son. I find myself in a mode of paranoia, fearing that the person who I think is "The One" will turn their back on me and leave me to fend for myself once again. I don't think my heart could take that sort of pain, and I would much rather die if it happened.

My fear has caused me to push and push and push myself away from J, becoming a person who I have always feared to be. I checked our phone bill, find myself worrying about who he is being friends with on Facebook and having completely irrational thoughts. J has NEVER given me a reason to think he would hurt me, and if anything, has only given me more reasons to love and trust him. I just struggle to believe that I, of all people, am worthy of something so amazing in mine and my son's life.

I almost can't breathe right now. I am so overwhelmed with emotions. Like J said, reflection on the past isn't good. It's time to look forward. I know I need to change and I definitely have to stop thinking so much of the things that COULD happen based on my past, but probably won't. I have to try and forget about the pain I have endured throughout my adult life and remember the great things that have come my way this past year. I know I have to work through my fears, and get through this, for myself, my son, and for J. This is my family now, and I have to believe that I am actually worth of something good.

Not Fitting In

Throughout my entire life, I have always been different. I have always dressed different, acted different, and thought different than most of my friends. I realized that being different was just a fact of my life, and learned that when I did try to conform to try to be like everyone else, that's usually when I got into trouble.

My adult life is no different. When I got pregnant with C, one of the first things Dad said was "Now you're gonna be just another statistic. You're another Latina who has gotten pregnant out of wedlock". Since that moment, I have made it my goal to NOT be like every other unwed pregnant Latina. I may not always be the best mother, or the best Latina, or the best anything, but I am most definitely not like most women who have been through the adversities I have had to deal with in life. I work full time, go to school full time, am C's mom, and J's girlfriend, and am as good of a friend as I could possibly be to the people who have proven themselves to be worthy of the little bit of time I have left.I live my life everyday with strength and courage and the hope that someway, somehow, my life experiences could help someone make different choices. I always say that if what I went through helps change the life of someone else, everything till this point has been worth it.

I've come to realize that although I have grown proud to be the non-cookie cutter woman that I have become, there are times when I wish I could just be like everyone else. I want to be a regular woman who doesn't have half the responsibilities on my plate, who lives life carelessly and who has the circle of friends she always dreamt about.

I think I had mentioned in a previous post about a Birthmom Support Group on facebook that I recently joined. It's a group of about 70-80 women who are all birthmothers at different stages in pre- and pos-adoption. When I first joined, I was pretty stoked, since it seemed pretty normal and harmless and since I was going through Hope's birthday and really could have used the friendship and support. Throughout the past month or two since I have been on, I have commented here and there, but mostly sat back and read alot of the posts. There are alot of Debbie Downers, women who are struggling and going through a tough time, as well as women who complain. I should be thankful to have the opportunity to get to know so many women who have been through the same sacrifice and heartache that I have been through, yet I am irritated.

Why am I so irritated? Probably because being a birthmom is one of the only things in my life that I wish could be cookie cutter. I wish that I could be just the same as everyone else. I wish I had been more informed of my choices before I placed. I wish I hadn't been so taken advantage of. I wish I hadn't been so scared to ask questions and to know my rights. I wish I can connected with more support as I went through the process rather than wait 5 years to meet the amazing women who have come into my life. I wish there was such thing as a cookie cutter birthmom, but unfortunately, there isn't. We are all different in so many different ways.

I see women who complain about not seeing their child enough or about their child's adoptive parents. I see so many different types of adoption situations these women are faced with on a daily basis, and I almost feel silly for complaining about only getting pictures and letters a couple of times a year rather than quarterly. Then I pause and think to myself, "What a minute, these women made the same choice I did, to place our babies for adoption." The moment we made that choice and signed those relinquishment papers, those babies were no longer ours. Anything and everything that occurs from the time those papers are signed and on is no longer in our control and we just have to live with it. I just wish that other women could understand that the things they are complaining about are the same things that other women wish they could be dealing with. Complaints about only seeing their children once a year or so are what some women, such as myself, could only dream of. Seems to me like no one is ever happy, and that's not fair, because there has to come a time in life when enough is enough and things need to be let go of.

I probably sound like I am ranting and raving, which I most definitely am doing. I posted a rant on the support group and I'm not sure it was accepted. I probably sound like I am bitching and complaining, just like how they sound to me, but I can't help it. I just want to get the point across that I would LOVE to be in these women's situations if it meant holding Hope for the first time in six years, especially because there is no guarantee that I will ever have that opportunity in the future....

Beyond Tired

Lately, things in my life have been weird. I have so many things to be grateful for, yet I am not content. I am frustrated, because for the first time in my life, I have the pieces of the puzzle that make up the majority of my life, and yet the puzzle is complete and it frustrates the crap out of me.

My work has me stressed out to the max. I work 38 hours a week, at one job, but it feels like I am doing two, now that I am working at one office Monday thru Thursday and doing the job of four days at the other office on Fridays. I am only one person, and I am getting burnt out. People say that things will settle once a system is set on how to run things, but I honestly don't get paid to work this hard as I'm in no management position to be taking on so much stress. With all of that, I am looking and applying for new jobs. I can't stand the fact that I am working so hard with no possibility of moving forward or up from the position I am currently at. 

I hate that I am working so hard at my regular job, that I am re-thinking this weekend job at Options United. As excited as I was to be able to work with a non-profit that would put me in a position to help change lives and reach out to women who were once in my position, I don't think I can do it. At least not in a position working every Saturday and Sunday of every weekend. It seemed like a great idea at first, but my weekends are the only time I could relax, and adding another job to my already busy schedule is more than necessary. It sucks, but I'm just not in a position to take on such a responsibility. I'm disappointed, more so because I felt that this was more of God's calling for me than anything, but I am just not in the right place to take this on at this time.

In addition to being stressed out at work, I am stressed out at home. I am sick and tired of the way things are here. I can't stand seeing the way my "sisters" have no respect for anyone or anything. I am tired of the way they talk to my mother, or how they boss around my father or my son. I am sick and tired of the way they have no regard for anyone but themselves. I am tired of the fact that my "traditional" parents let their boyfriends stay the night multiple times a week since they moved 70 miles away (they are twins), and the boys come and go into their room as they please. They treat everyone like crap and expect to be treated like royalty. The girls place blame for their lives being crappy upon me and my mistakes that I made in the past, not taking into account that I have become someone my son will eventually be proud of. Their genuine meanness and my parents double standards are more than enough to make someone on the outside looking in sick to their stomach. But this is my reality, day in and day out, and I am at the point where living out of a cardboard box sounds more appealing than being in this hellhole, called "home".

As if problems at work and at home weren't enough, J and I haven't been on the best terms the past few days. A lot of feelings came out in the least expected ways and we had probably the worst fight we've ever had to deal with in our 10 months of dating. Yup, that's right, this past Tuesday marked 10 months since our first date - the best 10 months of my life thus far. Just like the 7 year itch, the ten month curse fell upon us and we had a fight bigger than we've ever had before on Thursday night. J and I yelled at each other, I said things I really didn't mean and he broke up with me... for like 5 minutes. But still, the worst 5 minutes of my life. We made up, but a lot of feelings were still being held onto and we got into another fight last night. It basically boils down to the fact that he and I are stressed out with all the things we have on our plate. Unfortunately, we are very alike in the sense that our way of handling things when stressed is to deal with them on our own... We push the other way without realizing it and then the stress of our lives just explodes into something like what we dealt with these past few days. In the end of it all, we need to learn how to count on one another and know that it's ok to be stressed and to share those feelings without worry of being judged or hurt. I know that this is all a part of being in a healthy relationship, but I honestly don't ever want to have to feel this way about the only positive thing in my life. I love him too much and too greatly to feel such pain ever again.

On a positive note, I officially start class tomorrow. Yay to the school approving my appeal and allowing me to retake the course I failed last quarter. There are no excuses this quarter. I have to get on it and succeed so that I can move on and hurry up and finish school. It's the key to opening up the doors ahead of me on this journey. No more allowing work to get in the way of my studies. No more allowing anything to get in front of this road ahead of me. The consequences of not succeeding are far too great. I've put in too much money and time into this thus far, and I cannot allow myself to be put in a position where failing is an option - because it isn't. 

On another positive note, I started with a personal trainer last week. I only made it to one session because I unfortunately had to work late on Wednesday, but I have been on a mission to lose weight and I am only a few pounds away from my first weight loss goal. Lately, with all the stress in my life, I feel that working out is the only way to feel better. I get on that elliptical and keep going for an hour, sometimes even longer. The payoff is positive and I am enjoying the results that my once too tight pants are fitting better. I still have a long way to go before I get to where I want to be, but there's no better feeling than fitting in a size 12/13 when I've been wearing 15/16. :) Talk about a big smile on this girl's face.

I wish there were more hours in the day to accomplish all the things that I need and want to get done. I feel that the more I do to become a better person, the less I have time to do the things that make me feel good about myself. I just want the hard part of life to be over with because I am tired, actually, beyond tired...

The Future

It is almost amazing to see how much life has changed during the past 10 months since J and I first started dating. We used to go out to bars and clubs with friends at the beginning, and wearing short dresses and heels was a common occurence for me on the weekends. Throughout the last few months, I have found myself trading in my heels and dresses on the weekends for a pair of Chucks and jeans. It's been a definite change, but I am definitely not complaining.

This past Saturday, J's friends, R & H, hosted a game night at their house. There was a total of four couples there and we really had a blast. R is one of J's best friends, their friendship goes all the way back to when they were kids. R & H have a little girl and are expecting another in November. It was really nice to hang out with them and the other four friends that showed up. It was a nice escape from the usual meet at a bar and drink till you're broke .

J ended up having quite a bit to drink that night and before I knew it, his feelings about a lot of things we really hadn't talked about surfaced. J told R that he is scared to get too close to C because he is afraid that C's dad will one day come back into the picture and C will dismiss J for him. J ended up spilling out a lot that I was unprepared for regarding his fears about building a relationship for C. It really made me feel things I hadn't felt before, including fear and worry.

Before me, J had never dated a girl who was a mother, let alone one who was also a birthmother. Throughout the course of our relationship, he has had to learn to deal with new experiences related to both parts of me. He has come to soccer games and his First Communion, he has played with him in the front yard and gone to the movies with us. He has also been there to hold me as I cried over the daughter I don't physically have with me but who lives everyday in my heart. He is the only person I want next to my side for the rest of my life, yet I feel like I have been selfish because I brought him into a life he wasn't prepared for.

C loves J to death. Granted, I haven't brought too many guys around him, but I have never seen him act the way he does with J with anyone else. He dotes on "group hugs" and he even comes and gives J random kisses on the cheek when he is watching football. He is an amazingly sweet boy who has so much love to give, like his mama. He is happy that I am happy, and has once said to me that he hopes that J one day becomes his dad.

I worry that the idea of one day becoming C's stepfather is a little overwhelming for J. Actually, I KNOW it's overwhelming. I understand his fear of not knowing the boundaries he can set in that role because C is technically not "his". I understand his fears of being too strong with him and C possibly "hating" him when he gets older, or of being put in situations he doesn't know how to handle. I don't want to push the idea of being my son's father on him, because that's not what I am in this relationship for. My son has a "dad", whether he is in the picture or not. All he needs and wants in his life is a male role model to set the right examples and teach him things that his mother can't. Granted, he has my dad to teach him things I can't, but I know he looks up to J because he is younger, and he knows that he is who I want to be at my side through thick and thin...

When I think about the future, my future, OUR future, I can't help but wonder what our family protrait would look like. How should it look like? I came into this relationship with a 7 year old child who I have parented mostly alone since day 1, and one who was placed for adoption 6 years ago. There is a possibility that I may one day have to fight the "sperm donor" who helped me to create my son, but I highly doubt it. There is also the possibility that one day, possibly in 10-12 years if not maybe sooner, there could be a knock on my door from a beautiful girl who I gave birth to. I would be scared to be J, hell, I am scared to be myself. These are things I never in my wildest dreams ever imagined having to worry about when I was younger, but they are definitely my reality.

I hope and pray that things fall into place like they should. I know deep in my heart that J really does love me and that when he says he is in for the long haul, he really means it. What will become of the relationship between he and my son, I could only hope it improves and that one day he loves that child as if he were his own. I know that when and if we have children of our own, J will be an amazing father, just as he is an amazing boyfriend, son, friend, and brother. I have no doubt in my mind that he will be the greatest role model to my son, and to our future sons (and/or daughters), and while I am worried about how different he will treat OUR children made together as opposed to MY child that I came into this with, I don't think it will be an issue, as my son will grow to love and respect J as much as if they were related.... I could only hope...

Overwhelmed

I can't believe that it has been nearly a month since my last post. I guess that goes to show how crazy my life has been as of lately. I feel like there haven't been enough hours in the day to accomplish all that I want to do or need to get done. I feel drained and tired, both physically and emotionally, but I do my best to wake up every morning and get out of bed with a smile on my face, because some people aren't so lucky.

The change of office locations is probably one of the most overwhelming things to get through this past month. I have been at SAFS for 5 years and I feel like I am back to basics, learning programs and paperwork that I didn't have to deal with before. I have had to deal with an office environment that is completely foreign to me, attitudes from other staff members and even clients, a completely different client demographic than what I was dealing with before, and the stress of running two offices on the pay of what I was making working at one. It's pure craziness and I just wish I could take a break from it all.

The one good thing about the move was that it helped distract me enough to get through Hope's birthday. I wasn't the extremely emotional wreck that I am every year because I basically didn't have the time to be. Granted, the moment I was alone and in a quiet place, I was a mess, but that was usually not the case as I was sometimes even too tired to cry.

This year was the best birthday anniversary ever. J was so amazingly supportive. No matter how much I pushed and pushed him away, he made sure to be by my side. The night before her birthday, I took the train over to his house, as I usually do on Thursday nights. He surprised me with cupcakes from my favorite spot and we watched opening night of football season at his house with pizza and wings. I probably cried on my way home, but it was still a good time. The next morning, on her birthday, he picked me up early with a dozen beautiful roses and we went to breakfast on the marina in Long Beach. I was afraid I was going to be a huge mess, but I cried only the first half of the day when I looked at her photo album and was able to get through the rest of the day with very minimal tears.

Because Hope shares her birthday with J's dad (who, btw, still doesn't know about the adoption), I was invited to celebrate his birthday with the family at dinner that night. I was nervous that I was going to be a train wreck of emotions, but luckily, I survived the night (even though I got teary eyed when the table next to ours was celebrating the birthday of a little girl who was around the same age as Hope). I was fairly proud of myself for not being the cry baby I usually am, and I was so extremely thankful to have such a wonderful boyfriend who provided me with so much support, even if he had no idea what I was going through.

I realized something huge this year. I realized that while I may not get to see or talk to a lot of my friends on a consistent basis, I have some pretty amazing people in my life. The phone calls, text messages and facebook messages that poured in this year on her birthday were so wonderful. J's cousin, A, even sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers. It almost felt like it was my own birthday. That's when it hit me that this day is more important than my own birthday. The people who remembered me on this important day were the ones I know I could count on no matter what. I am extremely grateful for them.

With the weight of moving offices, working late nights, sometimes until 8:30pm, and the heaviness that Hope's impending birthday weighed on my heart (and my relationship), I didn't do as well as I would've liked to do in my first class at Capella. In fact, I didn't do well at all, and I am very angry at myself for that. I am currently in the process of appeals with the board at the school so that I could retake this class and am hoping to get it approved before the next class starts in October. Crossing my fingers and hoping this could work out, because if not, then I am going to be super depressed that I have wasted even more time.

Besides work at SAFS, school, Hope's birthday, getting C situated with the 3rd grade and everything else, I started my new job. Ok, well technically not "started", but I HAVE attended two trainings and have a third this Saturday. As excited about this opportunity that has landed in my lap to try to make a difference in the lives of women who have found themselves in unplanned pregnancies by offering them the resources to gain more knowledge of their options, I am also scared. I am scared that I will fail at this job, or that it will trigger feelings in me that I may not have dealt with (although, at this point, I feel like I have dealt with mostly anything and everything imaginable). I am worried that, through my theory of not having enough hours in the day, I won't be able to have time for fun on my already limited weekends. But we shall see what happens, you never know till you try.

On top of all of that, money has been a major issue for me lately. I never seem to have enough of it. C went to the dentist last week and we found out he has 4 cavities. 4 cavities + 2 sealers = over $1100. Where the heck am I going to get that money from? I have NO IDEA. Especially when my own teeth hurt and I can't afford a dentist for myself. I feel like I work work work work work and have nothing to show for it. It's pretty upsetting and is one of the things that depresses me the most about my life right now. Being broke sucks. I feel that at this rate, moving out and having a life of my own, separate from my family will never happen.

The one thing, besides my wonderful relationship with J and my little guy C, that has kept me going lately has been going to the gym. I recently started up last week and am on a mission to get my butt in shape. I am starting to feel better from Car Accident #2 last month and am tired of not being able to do much and gaining weight. Weird enough, though, that I hadn't been to the gym in awhile and have slowly been losing weight. Last weekend, I was able to fit into jeans I hadn't been able to wear in years. It felt good, and J noticed, which is the bigger payoff. I am currently looking into getting a personal trainer, and am considering a small women's gym nearby this new office that offers semi-personal training at a fraction of the cost of a private trainer. We shall see what happens, but I think that I could afford to make the sacrifice if it means looking good and being healthy, plus working out seems to be the best stress release for me so far.

Also, some more good news is that V&L sent me an email last week with pictures of a beautiful little lady. I was so overwhelmed and haven't really been able to stop looking at them. It's almost quite amazing how much she looks like C. Their original email that came with the pictures was cut off and I emailed them letting them know that. They re-emailed me this weekend, and I practically cried my eyes out knowing that I made the best sacrifice I possibly could have made:

Hi M,

Sorry for the delay.  Thanks for your patience.  We're glad you got the pictures.  Below is the text from the letter that was included in the Kodak e-mail.  We now know to send it separate.  Take care.

----------------------Kodak Letter---------------------------
Hi M,
Hope began first grade on the week of her birthday. She is excited to be back in school even though she had a very busy summer. Most of her time was spent between YMCA and Girl Scout camp. We wound up the summer by taking a cruise to Alaska, which she considered to be a great adventure. Karate has taken a back seat for now, but she is still enrolled in dance and gymnastics classes. We have offered her other activity and sports classes, but she has a full plate right now.
We remain grateful to you for helping bring the joy of Hope into our lives. We are fine with occasional e-mails from you and /or gifts for her. She is bright and understands the concept of adoption, but her mind is still very young. Everything that we teach her is done in a very caring and loving way. We are conscientious parents and we want you to know that. She is energetic and full of life. We love her that way.

We wish you continued success with school, and your career. Please keep us posted on important events in your life and C's. Expect another small batch of pictures in the next coming months. Above all, please take care.
Sincerely,
V and L

It was a sweet email, and unexpected, since I didn't think they would write back, but I couldn't help but feel as though it was a little cold. I almost feel like they want to keep their distance from me. I understand that they may be afraid that I want to be a better birthmom and don't know what that entails, but I made it clear to them that I don't intend to overstep my boundaries and just want to have a better relationship with them. As much as I wish the relationship between us could change, I think that there is a fat chance of that happening and I just have to learn how to be ok with that. I guess that just comes with the territory of being a bmom in a semi-open adoption. I am just thankful that they emailed me back and that she seems to have such a wonderful and amazing life that I wouldn't have been able to provide her with on my own.

So many things going on at one time, it's kind of crazy.... October doesn't seem to look like the busy-ness is going to let up, either. At a glance, my weekends seem to be piling up with more and more to do. I am anticipating C's birthday at the end of the month, and J's birthday at the beginning of November. That, combined with Halloween, a couple of baby showers, two jobs and hoping I can start school again are already making my head spin... But I guess that is better than not doing anything with my life or being able to get out of bed in the morning with a smile on my face... :)

Anger and Grieving

"Why the f*** are you crying for? You're a day early. Save your useless tears for tomorrow"

~E (my "sister")

Yup, that was an actual quote from someone who is supposed to be my "family", on the day before my beautiful Hope is supposed to turn 6. I am currently sitting here, bawling my eyes out, so appalled by the audacity this excuse of a human being has for being so completely unable to comprehend what true human emotion is like. I am so upset and so hurt that this is who I am related to. I can't believe she had the nerve to make a comment like that, as she is so unaware of what a day in my shoes is like.

I HATE that my "family" can't understand that I am hurting, more than they even know. I HATE that they are so cold, and hurtful, and ugly on the inside. It's not just my sibling who is this ugly, it's my father, who has been acting like a jerk to me all week. I understand they may be "hurt" by my decision to place Hope for adoption 6 years ago, but they don't have the slightest inclination of what I am going through.

The past few weeks have been rough. I have been moving offices, going through the major change and work of "starting fresh" at a new office. I have worked late nearly everyday for the past 3 weeks. I have poured all my energy, sweat and hard work into my job, but at the end of the day, when all is said and done, the moment I have some alone time, I cry. It's the little calendar inside of me, slowly ticking and tocking as it gets closer to her birthday. I have started to hate the moment my days would end at work, or when dates would end with J, or when I found myself not doing anything. I had somewhat of an anxiety/panic attack a couple of weekends back, and almost feel one coming on today. I have worked way too damn hard to regress and go back to the piece of crap person I was, all because I'm consumed by so much grief and emotion.

Things with J have sucked. Not due to his part, but mine. I have been a shitty girlfriend. I am going through so much, and expect him to understand how I feel, but I almost forget to realize that he doesn't completely understand. He doesn't understand why his girlfriend of 9 months has been pushing him away nearly every chance she gets. He doesn't get why she just cries like a big fat baby, or why she's not "normal" and has no clue when or if she will ever be. He doesn't understand how much it hurts to "lose" a baby, not knowing if and when I will see her beautiful little face again. He doesn't get why it's such a big deal that I celebrate her birthday or am thinking about missing his dad's birthday dinner (his bday is the same day). He doesn't understand why I am adamant about checking my email so much, waiting to hear back from V&L, since I finally had the courage to send them an email last week. He doesn't get it, and I honestly can't expect him too, as much as I wish he could. He's a guy, who has never been through this (thank God), and although he is the best boyfriend in the world I could possibly have been given, he probably won't ever understand this - and that's ok. Really, it is. After all, he DID bring me cupcakes today to cheer me up and he held me for a LONG time while I cried in his arms. So while he doesn't always have the right words to say, I know I am super blessed to have such a supportive man by my side.

Speaking of the email I sent to V&L last week, I am struggling with the fact that I have yet to hear back from them. Granted, it's only been a week, and a holiday weekend has passed in between this time, I did ask if it was ok with them if I sent her a birthday gift, and her birthday is tomorrow. Obviously not enough time to get it to her before she turns 6. I was super careful with my wording, making sure not to overstep my boundaries:

Hello L & V,

I hope you don't mind me emailing you. I spoke with J at HFS and she said I should send you an email rather than try to go through her. If this is a problem, please let me know and I could stop and go through the agency if that's what you prefer. My main goal is to not overstep my boundaries with you both, so if at any time you feel uncomfortable with me contacting you, I can stop. I just feel that as I get older, I find myself wanting a better relationship with you so that when Hope finds out about me, she knows how much I love her and think about her.

I hope all is well with you and Hope. There is not a day that goes by where I don't think about her. I almost can't believe that her 6th birthday is coming up. It seems like just yesterday, I was meeting you both for the first time and we were anticipating the arrival of such a beautiful little lady. Time has flown by so fast. I could only imagine what she must be like. Is she in first grade now? Is she still doing karate and gymnastics? What is she into? Did you travel over the summer? I'd like to know as much as you could possibly tell me about her as I want to be able to paint a picture of the person who she has become.

As for me, life is great. I am working on my Bachelors degree at an online university, still working at a non-profit (5 years now), and in a wonderful, healthy relationship that may possibly lead to marriage :) C is doing amazingly well, having just started third grade and playing soccer. It's amazing how much he has fallen completely in love with the sport (I'm sure in part to his Brazilian and Mexican roots), but now every Saturday is spent at the park! We are doing well and are thriving, thankful for health, my job, and happiness.

I was wondering if it would be possible to ask for pictures from you of Hope. It's been a few months and I am dying to see more of her. I would love some birthday pictures if you have the opportunity to send me some. Also, I was wondering if it would be ok with you if I sent her a gift for her birthday.

Thank you for being the best parents to Hope that she could have possibly been blessed with. I am just as lucky as she is that she has the two of you to raise her to be the beautiful girl she is growing up to be and to give her the life I most certainly couldn't.Thank you for everything. I hope to hear from you soon.



I almost feel like I can't breath right now. I am slowly suffocating. The pain of waiting to hear back from them, as well as of having to deal with so many changes at work and with my family issues is completely overwhelming right now. I am so anxious and feeling so alone, even though I have joined an amazing support group for bm's on facebook. I feel like nothing I can do or than anyone can say will ease this pain, and just as in years past, the sadness will eventually go away and soon enough I will be back to my normal self.

As for my family, I just have to remember that there is nothing I can do to make them understand me or what I feel, as they will always have their own opinions and judgements about me. It's up to me to allow them to make me feel the way that I do, and I'm not going to let them. I made the best decision I could make for both of my children 6 years ago, and it's the same decision I would make had I been faced with that situation today. I have to live with that choice, and as long as I can sleep right at night knowing that I did what needed to be done and not regret it, then they could talk all the trash they want. Granted it hurts like hell, I know where they stand in my life, and have come to the conclusion that I don't want them in my future - AT ALL.

I have so much more to write and to say, but I guess it can wait till tomorrow when my head is clear and my mind and heart aren't so numb. Wish me luck, as it's looking like a long day ahead and lots more tears. I'm hoping to celebrate her life and the 6 years she has been on this earth tomorrow morning with J by my side, and am hoping to not have to come home to deal with this madness. I can't do it. Not tomorrow, and I wish not ever.

Happy early birthday, sweetheart. Mama loves you... forever and always <3





All The Things I Love About You

Getting into my car accident last week snapped me back into the reality that life is too short. It made me appreciate the amazingly wonderful things in my life, most of all, my amazingly wonderful boyfriend. He did a great job at trying to take care of me and really be there for me when I was hurting from the pain from the accident.
A couple of Thursdays ago, after spending my evening with J after work, I suggested we play a game. Each day for the next week or so, we would text each other 10 things we love about the other person. I didn't think he would go for the idea, but he totally agreed with it, and we have been doing it ever since. Here is a compilation of the things we love about the other:

Thursday, August 18, 2011
10 Things J Loves About Me:

1. I love the way you make me smile after a long day
2. I love the way you make me feel like I'm the most important person in the world
3. I love how you get my jokes even if they're not funny (which is never)
4. I love how understanding you are
5. I love your smile. That can put a smile on my face.
6. I love how cute you look when you are biting your nails when focusing on something (even though I hate when you bite your nails)
7. I love you how can adapt to any situation and make the most of it
8. I love how you leave my car smelling when you wear my favorite perfume
9. I love how you worry for the both of us.. sometimes too much
10. I love your smarty pants mouth... well, some times more than others lol

10 Things I love About J:

1. I love the way you can make me smile, with the random I love you's and texts you send me throughout the day
2. I love the way you can make me laugh when I'm getting teary eyed on the way home
3. I love the way you and I make such an amazing team, always backing one another up, each person's strengths making up for the weaknesses of the other
4. I love how we can talk crap together about people and things and how you don't get offended
5. I love how you bring out a genuine happiness out of me that I have never experienced in my life
6. I love how you listen to me when it comes to my family issues, but don't hold it against them when you come around, still being able to show respect despite how they treat me
7. I love the way you are always open to new adventures and are always down to try new things
8. I love how the moment I am in your arms, all my worries and fears go away, at least for the time being. I feel comfy enough to never want to leave the safety you bring me
9. I love that you love me, regardless of what I bring with me: a kid or two and a lot of crap that I have been through, I know it's hard sometimes, but you do an amazing job at accepting me for all that I am.
10. I love that I trust you. I trust you with my heart and soul, with my son, with my life. I trust that you won't hurt either of us and that you are good on your words. I trust you to not think twice over what you tell me and give you the power where I believe that all you tell me is the truth.

Friday, August 19, 2011
10 Things J Loves About Me:

1. I love how you open my eyes and have me experience new things
2. I love the way you rub my belly because you always know when it's upset
3. I love how you try to cheer me up when I'm blah
4. I love how you give me the extra push to get through the night at work
5. I love when you sing to me when I am tired and driving home
6. I love when you talk to me like a retard, and I make you repeat stuff. It makes me laugh.
7. I love when you text me that you love me to infinity and beyond
8. I love talking about our future together
9. I love when you tell me you are blessed to have me in your life
10. I love that you have let me into your and your son's lives.

10 Things I Love About J:

1. I love how you are the first person I hear from in the morning as well as the last person I talk to at night before bed.
2. I love how you accept C as a part of me and how you care about him and his well-being
3. I love the way you work hard, day in and day out, to pay bills and accomplish your goals
4. I love the butterflies I get in my tummy before I know I am going to see you. The excitement I get is like when we first started dating, it never seems to get old.
5. I love how I can talk to you about anything any everything and how you always try your best to understand me, even if you don't completely
6. I love the way you push me and motivate me the be the best person I could possibly be. You bring out the best in me and you can handle me when I am at my worst.
7. I love how the randomest things remind me of you.. and they always make me smile
8. I love how you are such a huge part of my life and how I can only imagine the rest of my life with you by my side
9. I wuv that I could act wike a wetard and make you thmile when you are having a bad day at work
10. I love being able to plan our future together and talk about the life we would live and the family we are going to have

Saturday, August 20, 2011
10 Things J Loves About Me:

1. I love the inspirational messages you leave me on Facebook
2. I love that you tell me how much you appreciate and love me everyday
3. I love how you tell me random stories on the way home so I don't fall asleep
4. I love how you try your hardest not to fall asleep when I am working until I call or send a good night text
5. I love how I can leave you alone with my parents and you can hold a conversation with them
6. I love how you accept that your man has stomach issues and you help deal with it accordingly
7. I love after a heavy makeout session, you sigh as if it was the first time we ever kissed
8. I love how most of the time, you make an effort to look beautiful for me
9. I love your soft lips
10. I love that you don't like "Mondays" like me

10 Things I Love About J:

1. I love that you fulfill my cupcake needs, even just by taking me to My Delight
2. I love how you also take me places I have never been to, even if it's just everyday places like Black Angus
3. I love how I feel like I have a good, positive relationship with your family, and having to wait for you while you shower doesn't cause me a nervous breakdown because I can have a conversation with your mom
4. I love and appreciate the help you are giving me in regards to C and his stuff for school. You didn't have to do that at all, yet you did and I am so grateful
5. As much as I complain that we are "boring", I love love love spending time watching movies on the couch with you. Relaxing with you feels so good.
6. I love the way you attempt to take care of me, even if you did almost burn off the top layer of the skin on my back with the frog heating pad.
7. I love the way you make me laugh and giggle like I'm some teenage girl
8. I love how you listen to my stories and pretend to be interested when in all reality, you are just thankful I kept talking so you could stay awake while you drive
9. I love how I can be myself with you, and i don't ever have to worry about you judging me
10. I love that there isn't a day that goes by where I am not most thankful for having you in my life. You are the best thing to happen to me, and when I say my prayers at night, I always thank God for allowing me to have met my soul mate in the 28 years I have been on this earth. Thank you for being the missing piece to my heart. I love you.

Sunday, August 21, 2011
10 Things J Loves About Me:

1.  I love that we think alike when it comes to food
2. I love that a cupcake can put a smile on your face
3. I love that the little things make you happy
4. I love to see you happy and I try my best to make sure you are always happy
5. I love that I can drink a beer with you and enjoy a game without you asking dumb questions
6. I love that you pretend to be a Charger fan, even if it means your skin falling off
7. I love that you appreciate our inside jokes because no one else will
8. I love that we can sit and watch people and laugh at the same thing without even having to talk about it
9. I love that you're a hard worker and even in pain, you still take care of what you need to take care of
10. I love the sacrifices you make for your son. It's amazing to see the drive that you have

10 Things I Love About J:

1. I LOVE the way you calm me down when I'm feeling like the world is over and you don't feed fuel to the fire of whatever craziness is going through my head
2. I LOVE when you randomly bring me flowers, especially when I am so sad and feeling the way I was feeling today
3. I love how sexy you looked in your Charger shirt and hat today
4. I love how you understand my mean girl ways and don't think I'm crazy
5. I love your patience and willingness to try and understand me
6. I love love love how amazingly wonderful it feels when you kiss me. It feels like nothing else in the world matters but me and you
7. I love how my happiness is important to you, and how you do whatever it takes to make sure I'm happy
8. I love how it feels when we hold hands, whether it be walking through the mall, in the car, at the movies, or under the table at a restaurant
9. I love how you walk around with this tough outer shell and inside you're the biggest teddy bear ever
10. I love how when I'm with you, you make me feel like I'm some kind of super model. I feel sexy when I'm with you, even if I'm wearing a Charger shirt.

Monday, August 22, 2011
10 Things J Loves About Me:

1. I love when you tell me something and I get the mental picture and it makes me laugh
2. I love reading your blog... and sometimes I think I would be lost or maybe have given up on this relationship if not for your blog. It explains the emotions and the feelings that you are feeling that I sometimes may not have known
3. I love the fact that I do miss you 
4. I love your random pictures
5. I love you because you're my best friend and you're always there for me
6. I love the fact that saying I love you comes so easy
7. I love that it has taken time, but you're not always trying to be a guy's girl, instead you've become a girly girl, as much as you pretend not to like it
8. I love the thing you do with your lip when you're sad
9. I love that you allow me to open up and be myself
10. I love that you like my nicknames, all one million of them

10 Things I Love About J:

1. I love how you call me in the morning, just to make sure I'm awake
2. I love how my music of choice to listen to when I'm alone is country and I always find a way to apply most of the songs I hear to us and our relationship
3. I love how you check up on me throughout the day to ask how I'm feeling and how work is going
4. I love how you make me smile, even when you're not with me
5. I love how we have shared so much during the past 8 and a half months.. you almost seem to know me better than myself
6. I love how other than NFL teams, we seem to share so much in common when it comes to sports
7. I love that no matter how many times you tell me you love me, I never ever get tired of hearing it from you
8. I love that being with you has brought out a girly girl in me I never knew existed
9. I love how seeing the wallpaper on my phone of you, C and I makes me feel complete because the both of you make up my own little family
10. I love that you love me the way I am, even when I am hard on myself

Tuesday, August 24, 2011
10 Things J Loves About Me:

1. I love that through all the family BS, you still push through it to make it better for C and you
2. I love that you still fall for the "OMG, guess what? I love you" trick 
3.  I love love love you
4. I love that you make me genuinely happy
5. I love your lil quirkiness
6. I love how you won't let me go to sleep without a goodnight talk
7. I love how you say you talk about me to your friends like I'm something special
8. I love how you're so sweet
9. I love how you are so understanding
10. I love how you don't tell people.... (our secret) :)

10 Things I Love About J:

1. I love how even though we can't see each other until Thursday, you text me on my way home so it almost feels like you are with me
2. I love how I have been able to send you random pics or stories about my commute and you seem to appreciate the humor in it all
3. I love that the deeper this relationship gets, the more integrated we are becoming (and the more our mutual Facebook friend count grows)
4. I love how even though I know you're a little bit upset with me, you don't tell me, your voice does
5. I love how you let me talk about my day, even though I know you'd much rather go to sleep
6. I love how even though you probably wanna see me as much as I wanna see you, you put your school work ahead of me no matter how much fun playtime sounds
7. I love the way it feels to talk to my friends, to rave, about how truly blessed I am to have found my soul mate
8. I love how you are there for me, morning, noon and night, even when I'm in a shitty mood
9. I love how good it feels when we are cuddled together on the couch and you run your fingers through my hair
10. I love how even when you are half asleep, you make it a point to text me goodnight, even if its a simple, short text, which it rarely ever is

Wednesday, August 24, 2011
10 Things J Loves About Me:

1. I love that I miss the little things about you when I haven't seen you through the week
2. I love that you tell me sweet dreams before I go to bed
3. I love how you made an effort to get to know all of my family and spent time with them
4. I love that we can talk about current events
5. I love when you plan date nights, they're always fun
6. I love that you're a nerd, a secret undercover nerd
7. I love that you're computer literate because I'm not
8. I love that I can kid around with you and you don't get hurt
9. I love that you're a big crybaby (sometimes)
10. I love that you sleep better at night when I'm safe

10 Things I Love About J:

1. I love that we share a silly, sometimes sick, sense of humor that most people would never understand
2. I love that you text me and worry about me, especially when I am taking the bus late at night
3. I love that we can talk about everything, including current events
4. I love the support and motivation you give me day in and day out
5. I love that you look forward to seeing me as much as I look forward to seeing you after a few days of not seeing one another
6. I love how it's so easy to brag about you and the wonderful relationship we have to the world
7. I love that I can share some of the most personal things with you and you never cast judgement on me
8. I love when you get just a little bit jealous when guys hit on me
9. I love how you make sure to take the time out from your busy day to read my blog
10. I love when you and I watch shows like Teen Mom and you take the time and ask me questions, especially the ones related to adoption

Thursday, August 25, 2011
10 Things J Loves About Me:

1.  I love that you have made me a part of your son's life
2. I love that you like to do things outside of the norm, like tonight (cake decorating)
3. I love that you snort real hard when you laugh real hard
4. I love that you have a secret girl crush on Anjelah Johnson
5. I love that we can go out and meet new couples (and some weirdos)
6. I love our good morning talks
7. I love that you're a crazy picture taker (I've never had that before - fyi)
8. I love that you look pretty for me, even after a long day at work
9. I love how you match your nails to your outfits
10. I love your big ol booty :)

10 Things I Love About J:

1. I love how even though you don't completely understand adoption and what it entails, you care enough to try your best to understand
2. I love that you love cupcakes as much as I do
3. I love how even though you may be in a bad mood, you never shine me off or ignore me
4. I love how you have me listening to country music, even when I'm not with you
5. I love how personable you are and how you get along with virtually any person you meet
6. I love how you text me this morning to wish C a good first day of school
7. I love that you were up for cake decorating with me tonight
8. I love that you have turned me into such a cheese ball, something I have never really been before
9. I love that you are the one person I wanna call when I have good news, bad news, or weird news
10. I love that you don't mind that I am a crazy picture taker and that I tag you in all the pictures I upload to Facebook

Friday, August 26, 2011
10 Things J Loves About Me:

1. I love how sad you get after I leave you. It feels good to know I am being missed
2. I love that you always know of the good places to eat at
3. I love the ...face you make :)
4. I love that you are so driven, getting a second job, going to school, a son, and me and you don't complain
5. I love that I just spent 10 hours with you and I'm still not tired of you
6. I love that you are so thoughtful, such as planning on a birthday gift for my cousin
7. I love how you randomly tell me you are proud of me
8. I love how I could take you away from whatever you have on your mind, just by relaxing on the couch together
9. I love how you love me rubbing my hands through your hair
10. I love that you love watching wedding shows and get ideas

10 Things I Love About J:

1. I love your spontaneity
2. I love how you tease me
3. I love planning your birthday trip, even though it's 2 1/2 months away from now
4. I love our level of intimacy
5. I love the feeling of pride I get when I tell people what a wonderful man I've been so blessed to have in mine and my son's lives
6. I love watching wedding shows together
7. I love when you ask me for homework help
8. I love that you waited for me during my job interview today
9. I love the support you give me, day in and day out
10. I love kissing you, making out with you, and... so much more :)

Saturday, August 27, 2011
10 Things J Loves About Me:

1.  I love how you surprise me with different goodies
2. I love how you won't let me chew around you or I get no kisses
3. I love seeing you be a mama
4. I love how you started this (I Love Yous) and made me stick to it
5. I love spending time with you and C
6. I love when you wear a dress....
7. I love that you can go all day and still want to play in the pool, even with a hurt back
8. I just love you and can't see the both of you not in my life
9. I love that even with your past, you try hard not to let it interfere with our relationship
10. I love YOU

10 Things I Love About J:

1. I love the way you reassure me that you won't hurt me
2. I love watching the way you interact with C when we all hang out together
3. I love knowing that when we have our own kid, you are going to be an amazing father
4. I love doing absolutely nothing together and it being fun
5. I love that my kisses mean more to you than chew
6. I love how you make me laugh
7. I love the way you are so helpful, when in all reality, you don't need to be
8. I love that you actually did 10 days of this and didn't complain too much
9. I love that you understand I've been through bad stuff and don't use it against me
10. I love how we have been dating for nearly 9 months and yet I still feel like this relationship is new and exciting