"You may be deceived if you trust too much,
But you will live in torment if you do not trust enough"
~ Frank Crane
Never has a quote it in perfectly with what I feel at the moment. My constant thoughts and worry seem to be getting the best of me and I find myself to be greatly tormented by my lack of trust in my relationship.
In the past 5 1/2 months I have been dating J, never have I found myself to be so in love with someone the way I am in love with him. Never have I imagined a future with anyone the way I do with him. Never have I wanted more for myself the way I want it with him. It's a great, yet scary feeling. I have opened up myself in a way that has made me extremely vulnerable and easy to hurt. I don't ever want to hurt the way I have in the past. My heart simply cannot take that sort of pain after all I have been through in my life.
Why am I so worried about this? Why can't I just trust in him and in God that this will work out the way I want it to? Why is it so hard to let go of my insecurities and have a just take it as it comes approach to life? It would be so much easier to be carefree and not worry about something I cannot control. Unfortunately, that's not in my nature. I am constantly finding myself fighting with the voice in the back of my head that is telling me to be careful. I don't want to be careful, but I do. It's definitely a battle.
My stomach hurts with anxiety, and I am making myself go crazy with thoughts of worst case scenarios. I've been told that me not trusting him will make him do the very thing I'm scared of him doing. I find that it's not that I don't trust him, because I do, or else I wouldn't be in a relationship with him. I think it's the fact that I don't trust the fact that something good could actually happen to me, because they never have.
I look back at the people I have trusted in my life: friends, family, exes. I have been hurt and deceived by so many people. I find it so hard to believe that anyone could care about me like I care about them. I find it hard to fathom someone loving me as much as I love them. I struggle with the thought that there are actually good people in the world who won't hurt me, because I have yet to come across very many of those types of people in my life, even in my own immediate family.
I tell J all the time that I am damaged goods. I have been through so much in my life and I wish I could let go of all the pain I have been through in my past that has made me the way that I am. I wish I could start fresh and be brand new, but the truth is that my heart comes with battle scars and plenty of wounds. I wish more than anything that I could let go of all the pain I have felt in my life because I know it is a huge factor in what still keeps weighing me down.
I am trying my hardest to believe in J and the fact that he is truly different than anyone I have ever met, which is why I am so in love with him. I am doing the best that I can to recognize that the issue is within me, and not in him. In all actuality, he has done as much as he can to show me that I can trust him, but it is still scary to completely put 100% of my trust in him. There is still a lot about him that I don't know and that's obvious, because it has really only been 5 months since we first started dating. I think about how much faith I have in US, but I am scared as hell that the moment I completely let my guard down, I will get hurt.
I can't stop the tears from falling from my eyes, as I sit here and wonder if I will ever allow the walls that have been built over the past 28 years to come down. I don't want to be so scared and vulnerable all the time because it isn't a good feeling. It's going to take a lot of work on my part for that change to happen, and I don't know how long it will be before I can believe that I won't get hurt. I just hope I don't lose a great guy in the process of it all....
