I'm upset. Not really sure at who, but I'm angry and I can't really sleep like this. My mind keeps going and I feel like it can't stop. I can't stop crying and I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown, yet I'm not sure why or how to stop it from happening.
Finding out the pregnancy wasn't real was pretty difficult for me, emotionally. I didn't realize how many feelings I had attached to the thought that I was expecting. In just a couple of short weeks, I went from being scared of being pregnant to accepting and anticipating a positive result. During that time, I went through the fear of going through what I went through in the past with my pregnancy and the life of C, as well as everything adoption related. I have been holding on to so many feelings, and I wish they could have all gone away along with the notion of me being pregnant the moment I got that negative test result. But unfortunately, none of it went away. My fears have stayed with me and have made me feel like I'm going crazy.
I have massive fears that J is going to leave me for someone prettier and thinner and smarter and funnier. I have fears that he may have someone on the side right now. I worry about what he may be doing when he's not with me and who he's talking to or texting. He's been different the past few days towards me, sort of distant and not as sweet as usual. Maybe it's all in my head, but I feel that way. My biggest fear is that he is maintaining that thing with that girl or even maybe someone else. I have trust and faith in him that he's smarter than that, but I fear that he has no need for me, especially now that I'm not pregnant and he doesn't have anything tying himself down to me.
I know in my heart that this is a messed up way to think. I know that I should believe him when he tells me he loves me with all of his heart and that he will never mess up again, but I'm so deathly afraid of getting hurt by him of all people. I'm so scared that he is going to realize that I'm not good enough for him and that I'm not the girl for him and that he's going to leave and never look back. I have opened up my heart and let down my guard in a way I have never imagine, putting myself in the most vulnerable position and I don't even know how to feel ok and safe. I keep wanting to rebuild that wall because it's the only way I know how to be and the only way I know how to keep from getting hurt.
I know I'm a smart girl who has a lot of things going for her. I know I'm a sweet girl who any guy would be lucky to have. But I know that I'm not pretty and I know I'm not spectacular and definitely not the kind of girl a guy would love to show off to his friends, and I worry that I will always be the girl who will never be good enough to be number one and only. I know these are my issues, and it's all based on the crap I've been through in my past. I know in my heart that J is different but I have to hope and pray that he feels the same about me. I hope he fears losing me as much as I fear losing him because I feel I deserve to be loved just as much, if not more.
I feel like I'm so needy right now. I know it has a lot to do with the fact that I had a difficult, emotional week and as long as it took me to accept that my life would change if I were pregnant, it's taking me even longer to accept that it isn't going to change at all because I'm not. But really, all I want and need is quality time with J. I just want to be in his arms while he hugs me and tells me everything is going to be ok. Granted, he made the effort to see me on Tuesday for a quick dinner for an hour and a half, and I saw him Thursday for a little bit, yesterday he spent the day with C and I and today both of our family's went to a hockey game, but I feel like I haven't had the opportunity to deal with the raw, heartbreaking emotions that I feel about the whole thing, and I feel like maybe he doesn't really even care. This is harder than I thought it would be, and I can't really pin-point why. All I know is that I need him and I won't be seeing him till the end of the week. Talk about a shitty way to spend my Spring Break :(
Maybe I depend on him too much. I've made him such a pivotal element of my life and centered all the things I do around him. He is, after all, my best friend. He's the one I have counted on to be there for me while I go through things in life over the course of the past year or so, and he's the only one I want to comfort me in a time like this. Knowing I don't have him to hold me, and kiss me, and play with my hair and whisper that he loves me all week kills me and it makes me so upset because I feel like I have lost all my power to this man. I've allowed him to control my feelings and emotions and all without him even realizing it. I wish I could be the type of girl who didn't care whether he has time for me, but the truth of the matter is that I never could be that type of girl, even if I wanted to be. That's what I get for putting others ahead of myself, a trait that I wish could change about myself.
I'm sobbing as I type this because I don't even know what the hell has happened to me. I don't know what happened to my strength. I feel so weak and vulnerable. I feel so crazy right now for having the feelings and emotions that I feel. I spent most of the night at the hockey game upset when he confirmed we won't be seeing each other tomorrow. I was boiling on the inside. Maybe because he seemed so nonchalant about it, but regardless, I felt like I just wasn't on his list of priorities like he is on mine. Granted, I'm probably wrong, but thats the way it came across as.
I can't wait for therapy to start. I can't live like this. The emotions of everything in my life are killing me slowly. Finding out IB wasn't real. Issues with my "family". Realizing lately that I really have no real friends. Not being able to see J until Friday. Having too much free time on my hands to think about shit. Worrying about things I have no control over.... I'm driving myself fucking crazy. I just want to lock myself in my room and not come out for a week or two till I'm all cried out and I have nothing left in me. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to go back to normal, and I worry I won't now that Mother's Day is just around the corner. God help me... It's going to be a long month and a half to get through....
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Dear IB...
Dear IB (Imaginary Baby),
After several weeks of feeling symptoms of pregnancy, and after finally accepting the life change that was about to happen, I found out late last night that you are, in fact, imaginary. I didn't think the information would be so hard to hear, but when the doctor told me that my blood test was negative, I had tears in my eyes. I didn't realize I wanted you so bad.
Maybe I should start at the beginning. Before I met your daddy, I wasn't sure what I wanted for my future. I knew that I never wanted to go through the things I went through in my past and really never gave marriage or having more children a second thought. I figured that this was my opportunity to get my life in order and be the mom to C that I always wanted to be. Then, when I least expected it, I found the one person who could make me laugh and smile like no one ever has.
Your daddy is the only person in the world who I have ever been able to see a future with. He's an amazing, smart, handsome man who I have fallen so deeply in love with. He is more than just my boyfriend, he has become my best friend and the only person I could imagine by my side for the rest of my life. Not only has he been good to me, he's been amazing to your brother, C. He is kind, playful, and I have always told him that I could imagine him to be a good father someday.
While we have talked about marriage and creating a family of our own, our plan wasn't supposed to happen until at least he was done with school. Even though we had been careful, when I started having symptoms that usually coincide with pregnancy, that was my first assumption. When I shared this with your daddy, he said "Don't tell me because you are going to get my hopes up." I didn't realize he was actually ok with the possibility that he could be a daddy sooner than we both expected. I also didn't realize that of the two of us, I was the one with the anxieties of the possibilities that you might be real.
Yes, I'm not going to lie, the moment I started feeling nauseous in the morning, and when I noticed I started gaining weight, as well as the moment I truly realized that the possibility of a baby growing in me was real, I kind of freaked out a little bit. I had thoughts about possibly not being adequate enough since your daddy and I aren't married, or even engaged, nor do we even live together. But of all people, your wonderful, amazing daddy calmed my fears and reminded me that I'm not going to go through this alone and that he would be there for every step of the way. I caught on to his excitement and I looked forward to the day we found out that we were going to have a little angel together.
The day I was expecting my period and it didn't come, I took a pregnancy test and it came out negative. I couldn't understand how that was possible because I felt you inside of me. I felt like you were real and that all the symptoms I felt were proof that you were growing inside of me. I was definitely disappointed, as was your daddy who told me he had "lost hope". I wanted so badly to prove him wrong. I wanted him to know that the symptoms I felt were real and that you weren't just a product of my imagination. Two days later, on Saturday morning, I took another test, and once again it came back negative. That's when I started to call you my "Imaginary Baby" and I got to blame all I was feeling and craving on you.
I couldn't take this anymore. Nausea, sore breasts, back pain, missed period, majorly emotional, heightened sense of smell, weight gain, etc. There HAD to be a reason for all of this. Even more so when I started having a sharp pain in my lower right abdomen. On Monday morning (yesterday), I had asked your daddy to go to the doctor with me on Tuesday (today), but I couldn't wait very much longer. I decided to head on over to urgent care and see a doctor. I needed the confirmation that you were in fact growing inside of me. While I wished your daddy could have been there with me (he was at work being the responsible man that he is), I knew I had to do this to calm all our minds that were being wracked with thoughts of you all day.
While I waited in the waiting room, people asked me what I was there for and I said, "To find out if I'm pregnant". I never felt such a sense of pride and excitement to found out about you. I wanted to tell the world that I may be pregnant. While I was super nervous and thought about how the result of the blood test I had just taken would change mine and your daddy's life forever, I was definitely looking forward to the doctor confirming that you were no longer imaginary.
I was wrong. My body, mind, and heart tricked me. They led me to believe that you were growing inside of me. The moment the doctor told me that the test was negative, I cried in the exam room, wishing this was all a bad dream. I wanted you to be real after I imagined what you would look like, and be like. I wanted you to be your daddy's little gorilla, boy or girl. I felt like that was all washed away at that moment and I was all alone to dwell in those thoughts and then had to snap out of it, as the doctor requested for me to take more tests to get to the bottom of why I am really feeling like this.
Since last night, my mind has been racing at the possibilities of everything that could be going with me. At this point, I have no idea what to think. The doctor said he would call me with the results of my extra lab work, but at the moment I don't really have a clue of what's going on. I did research that several people have had blood and urine tests come back negative and still have viable, healthy pregnancies, so I'm not giving up hopes of you being fully imaginary just yet, but I do have to admit that I'm not even so sure of myself. Even if you truly were imaginary, I have to tell you that I loved the thought of you growing inside of me and the idea that eventually I would get to hold you in my arms and whisper in your ear how beautiful or handsome you were and how much I loved you for being a piece of me and your daddy.
Thank you, IB, for making me realize that I definitely want to be a mommy again, and I want J to be the one to go through parenthood all over again with. Thank you for opening up my mind and heart to the idea of a family, whether before or after your daddy and I get married. Thank you for not making me scared of what people say or think and for giving me the strength to realize that my happiness is my own and that no one else's opinion of it matter. Also, I thank you for giving me a timeline I want to stick to as far as the future goes and giving me the drive to get things done sooner rather than later. Thank you, also, for making me cry as I write this, because even though you may be imaginary, my emotions and my love for you are not... :)
I love you, IB.
Love,
Your Mommy
After several weeks of feeling symptoms of pregnancy, and after finally accepting the life change that was about to happen, I found out late last night that you are, in fact, imaginary. I didn't think the information would be so hard to hear, but when the doctor told me that my blood test was negative, I had tears in my eyes. I didn't realize I wanted you so bad.
Maybe I should start at the beginning. Before I met your daddy, I wasn't sure what I wanted for my future. I knew that I never wanted to go through the things I went through in my past and really never gave marriage or having more children a second thought. I figured that this was my opportunity to get my life in order and be the mom to C that I always wanted to be. Then, when I least expected it, I found the one person who could make me laugh and smile like no one ever has.
Your daddy is the only person in the world who I have ever been able to see a future with. He's an amazing, smart, handsome man who I have fallen so deeply in love with. He is more than just my boyfriend, he has become my best friend and the only person I could imagine by my side for the rest of my life. Not only has he been good to me, he's been amazing to your brother, C. He is kind, playful, and I have always told him that I could imagine him to be a good father someday.
While we have talked about marriage and creating a family of our own, our plan wasn't supposed to happen until at least he was done with school. Even though we had been careful, when I started having symptoms that usually coincide with pregnancy, that was my first assumption. When I shared this with your daddy, he said "Don't tell me because you are going to get my hopes up." I didn't realize he was actually ok with the possibility that he could be a daddy sooner than we both expected. I also didn't realize that of the two of us, I was the one with the anxieties of the possibilities that you might be real.
Yes, I'm not going to lie, the moment I started feeling nauseous in the morning, and when I noticed I started gaining weight, as well as the moment I truly realized that the possibility of a baby growing in me was real, I kind of freaked out a little bit. I had thoughts about possibly not being adequate enough since your daddy and I aren't married, or even engaged, nor do we even live together. But of all people, your wonderful, amazing daddy calmed my fears and reminded me that I'm not going to go through this alone and that he would be there for every step of the way. I caught on to his excitement and I looked forward to the day we found out that we were going to have a little angel together.
The day I was expecting my period and it didn't come, I took a pregnancy test and it came out negative. I couldn't understand how that was possible because I felt you inside of me. I felt like you were real and that all the symptoms I felt were proof that you were growing inside of me. I was definitely disappointed, as was your daddy who told me he had "lost hope". I wanted so badly to prove him wrong. I wanted him to know that the symptoms I felt were real and that you weren't just a product of my imagination. Two days later, on Saturday morning, I took another test, and once again it came back negative. That's when I started to call you my "Imaginary Baby" and I got to blame all I was feeling and craving on you.
I couldn't take this anymore. Nausea, sore breasts, back pain, missed period, majorly emotional, heightened sense of smell, weight gain, etc. There HAD to be a reason for all of this. Even more so when I started having a sharp pain in my lower right abdomen. On Monday morning (yesterday), I had asked your daddy to go to the doctor with me on Tuesday (today), but I couldn't wait very much longer. I decided to head on over to urgent care and see a doctor. I needed the confirmation that you were in fact growing inside of me. While I wished your daddy could have been there with me (he was at work being the responsible man that he is), I knew I had to do this to calm all our minds that were being wracked with thoughts of you all day.
While I waited in the waiting room, people asked me what I was there for and I said, "To find out if I'm pregnant". I never felt such a sense of pride and excitement to found out about you. I wanted to tell the world that I may be pregnant. While I was super nervous and thought about how the result of the blood test I had just taken would change mine and your daddy's life forever, I was definitely looking forward to the doctor confirming that you were no longer imaginary.
I was wrong. My body, mind, and heart tricked me. They led me to believe that you were growing inside of me. The moment the doctor told me that the test was negative, I cried in the exam room, wishing this was all a bad dream. I wanted you to be real after I imagined what you would look like, and be like. I wanted you to be your daddy's little gorilla, boy or girl. I felt like that was all washed away at that moment and I was all alone to dwell in those thoughts and then had to snap out of it, as the doctor requested for me to take more tests to get to the bottom of why I am really feeling like this.
Since last night, my mind has been racing at the possibilities of everything that could be going with me. At this point, I have no idea what to think. The doctor said he would call me with the results of my extra lab work, but at the moment I don't really have a clue of what's going on. I did research that several people have had blood and urine tests come back negative and still have viable, healthy pregnancies, so I'm not giving up hopes of you being fully imaginary just yet, but I do have to admit that I'm not even so sure of myself. Even if you truly were imaginary, I have to tell you that I loved the thought of you growing inside of me and the idea that eventually I would get to hold you in my arms and whisper in your ear how beautiful or handsome you were and how much I loved you for being a piece of me and your daddy.
Thank you, IB, for making me realize that I definitely want to be a mommy again, and I want J to be the one to go through parenthood all over again with. Thank you for opening up my mind and heart to the idea of a family, whether before or after your daddy and I get married. Thank you for not making me scared of what people say or think and for giving me the strength to realize that my happiness is my own and that no one else's opinion of it matter. Also, I thank you for giving me a timeline I want to stick to as far as the future goes and giving me the drive to get things done sooner rather than later. Thank you, also, for making me cry as I write this, because even though you may be imaginary, my emotions and my love for you are not... :)
I love you, IB.
Love,
Your Mommy
Monday, March 19, 2012
Imaginary Baby
So much has happened since my last blog post on February 9th. It almost feels like a distant lifetime away, and I am so incredibly grateful for that. The past month and a half have definitely been filled with a roller coaster of emotions and feelings. I don't even really know where to start, as there is just so much to say. I have gotten another year older and I have realized so many things all in such a short period of time.
First of all, my relationship with J has gotten to be so much better. He has definitely made the effort to prove to me that he is unlike any guy in my past and that has meant so much to me. We had a great Valentine's Day where he sent me flowers to work and we went to a Lauryn Hill concert in the evening. For my birthday, he made me feel incredible special for the whole week leading up to it. He even surprised me at work the day before to take me to see The Vow and on the day of, he baked me a cake - all by himself. He has truly been amazing and I am so grateful for that. The bond between us is like no other, and I feel so blessed to have a truly wonderful good man by my side.
In addition to my great relationship with J, I have found myself trying to be a better mom to C. I have come to the realization that I've let my family come in the way of my relationship with my son, and I have allowed them to control the bond I have with him. I am doing my best to change that and to include him in most of the things going on in my life. I'm not a young adult anymore. I am nearly 30 years old, and I am at a point in my life where I want to change how people perceive me as, mostly in part to how my parents have tried to take over. I'm not an irresponsible mother, and I don't party or drink or have extremely wild times. I am a completely different person than I was at 20 and 25. I'm becoming someone my son can eventually be proud of.
Speaking of being someone my son can be proud of, I have successfully completed my first full quarter of school. The old me would see extremely difficult coursework and freak out. I would run at the thought of having an extremely large amount of work in a difficult class. In addition, if I did stay in a class and complete it, I would to the bare minimum to get by and was satisfied with getting a C or a D. I can proudly say I passed both of my classes, and while I haven't received the grade for one yet (I think I got an A), I did get the grade for the other, and am happy to say I got a B. I am extremely happy and proud of myself, as this has been proof that I can do anything I set my mind to...
On top of all of that going on, I may have some good news. Well, at first, I wasn't so sure if it was good news, but then I realized that I am in a much better place in my life than where I was at when I was 20 and 22, and that I have an amazing, responsible, hard-working, loving man by my side. For the past couple of weeks, I have been having major pregnancy symptoms. I am nauseated, have vomited a couple of times, have the urge to pee more frequently, my breasts are huge and sensitive, my tummy is bloated, I am extremely emotional and way more tired, yet have a hard time sleeping at night. I've taken two pregnancy tests, one on the first day I was expecting my period and the second two days later first thing in the morning. Both tests came back negative, however, as I type this out, my breasts feel like watermelons and I am 5 days late.
I joke with J that I am pregnant with an imaginary baby since both tests have come out negative and I still feel pregnant. It's so amazing how much of a good man I have in my life. He has been so calm and supportive, and has actually looked forward to me being pregnant, so much, that I feel excited that I may be as well. I felt so bad when we took the first test and it came out negative. He was so disappointed and said he "lost hope". I explained that I may still be and that when I was pregnant with C, I took 4 tests and each came back negative, due to not having enough hormones in my system, which I have since learned that boys usually give off less hormones, making it harder to test positive. I am planning on making a doctor's appointment this week so that we may find out for sure, and if I am not, I can move on. Crazy big news, but regardless of what the outcome is, I see it as a positive. Positive test means that J, C, IB (Imaginary Baby), and I can start our future together sooner, and a negative test means that J and I know exactly what we want and have a better timeline and plan of how we want our future to play out, including me buying a car and us getting our own place by August, as well as possibly throwing in an engagement in there. While I would have liked to have been married when our family got started, I am at the point where I could care less if I have a ring on my finger to prove that I have an amazing, wonderful man in my life. I have his love and commitment as it is, and I know that soon enough will come all the rest of our plans for the future.
With all the scattered emotions I have felt due to these crazy hormones, I have been having a very very very very very hard time with the fact that my middle sister, E, just got engaged. E is 25 years old and hasn't worked in nearly three years. She started school recently, and after getting a "tension headache" that put her out of school for two weeks, she stopped going. E's boyfriend of nearly four years, W, who is 24, has been unemployed for several months. His cocky attitude has had him telling everyone he would be getting a job soon with all of his amazing qualifications, but there doesn't seem to be much employment activity going on with him. From what I see, E and W are disrespectful to one another and she bosses him around all the time. They are a completely toxic couple and I don't see how their marriage were to survive, nor do I see either them being able to face the reality and struggle of how hard life really is away from mommy and daddy.
I don't know why this whole thing hit me so hard. Maybe it was the fact that I am dealing with my own emotions over the possibility of being pregnant (or not). Maybe it was because I feel bad that my sister is setting herself up for failure. Maybe its because a little piece of me is jealous that I have my life more together and I'm not engaged yet. Maybe it's the hurt I felt because I didn't even find this out from my family, but rather through a mutual facebook friend who said its posted all over the place. Who knows?! All I know is that I am grateful for J's mom because she gave me the perspective I needed to get through all of this and while I'm still upset that my family has kept this from me for two days now, I have come to the realization that just because we share the same blood does not make us family. I can only hope and pray she and her marriage don't fail, and smile through my gritted teeth and pretend to be happy for her.
So yeah, quite a lot of stuff going on in my life. I'm hoping that we at least get an answer as to why I am feeling this way by the end of this week. I would like to move forward with my life, whether I am pregnant or not, although I really would like to be at this point (I'm not getting any younger). It's time to live for me and for my son and for J (and IB), to do the things that make me happy, regardless of the thoughts and judgments of other people. I don't care what the rest of the world thinks of me, including my "family". I'm happy and that's all that matters...
First of all, my relationship with J has gotten to be so much better. He has definitely made the effort to prove to me that he is unlike any guy in my past and that has meant so much to me. We had a great Valentine's Day where he sent me flowers to work and we went to a Lauryn Hill concert in the evening. For my birthday, he made me feel incredible special for the whole week leading up to it. He even surprised me at work the day before to take me to see The Vow and on the day of, he baked me a cake - all by himself. He has truly been amazing and I am so grateful for that. The bond between us is like no other, and I feel so blessed to have a truly wonderful good man by my side.
In addition to my great relationship with J, I have found myself trying to be a better mom to C. I have come to the realization that I've let my family come in the way of my relationship with my son, and I have allowed them to control the bond I have with him. I am doing my best to change that and to include him in most of the things going on in my life. I'm not a young adult anymore. I am nearly 30 years old, and I am at a point in my life where I want to change how people perceive me as, mostly in part to how my parents have tried to take over. I'm not an irresponsible mother, and I don't party or drink or have extremely wild times. I am a completely different person than I was at 20 and 25. I'm becoming someone my son can eventually be proud of.
Speaking of being someone my son can be proud of, I have successfully completed my first full quarter of school. The old me would see extremely difficult coursework and freak out. I would run at the thought of having an extremely large amount of work in a difficult class. In addition, if I did stay in a class and complete it, I would to the bare minimum to get by and was satisfied with getting a C or a D. I can proudly say I passed both of my classes, and while I haven't received the grade for one yet (I think I got an A), I did get the grade for the other, and am happy to say I got a B. I am extremely happy and proud of myself, as this has been proof that I can do anything I set my mind to...
On top of all of that going on, I may have some good news. Well, at first, I wasn't so sure if it was good news, but then I realized that I am in a much better place in my life than where I was at when I was 20 and 22, and that I have an amazing, responsible, hard-working, loving man by my side. For the past couple of weeks, I have been having major pregnancy symptoms. I am nauseated, have vomited a couple of times, have the urge to pee more frequently, my breasts are huge and sensitive, my tummy is bloated, I am extremely emotional and way more tired, yet have a hard time sleeping at night. I've taken two pregnancy tests, one on the first day I was expecting my period and the second two days later first thing in the morning. Both tests came back negative, however, as I type this out, my breasts feel like watermelons and I am 5 days late.
I joke with J that I am pregnant with an imaginary baby since both tests have come out negative and I still feel pregnant. It's so amazing how much of a good man I have in my life. He has been so calm and supportive, and has actually looked forward to me being pregnant, so much, that I feel excited that I may be as well. I felt so bad when we took the first test and it came out negative. He was so disappointed and said he "lost hope". I explained that I may still be and that when I was pregnant with C, I took 4 tests and each came back negative, due to not having enough hormones in my system, which I have since learned that boys usually give off less hormones, making it harder to test positive. I am planning on making a doctor's appointment this week so that we may find out for sure, and if I am not, I can move on. Crazy big news, but regardless of what the outcome is, I see it as a positive. Positive test means that J, C, IB (Imaginary Baby), and I can start our future together sooner, and a negative test means that J and I know exactly what we want and have a better timeline and plan of how we want our future to play out, including me buying a car and us getting our own place by August, as well as possibly throwing in an engagement in there. While I would have liked to have been married when our family got started, I am at the point where I could care less if I have a ring on my finger to prove that I have an amazing, wonderful man in my life. I have his love and commitment as it is, and I know that soon enough will come all the rest of our plans for the future.
With all the scattered emotions I have felt due to these crazy hormones, I have been having a very very very very very hard time with the fact that my middle sister, E, just got engaged. E is 25 years old and hasn't worked in nearly three years. She started school recently, and after getting a "tension headache" that put her out of school for two weeks, she stopped going. E's boyfriend of nearly four years, W, who is 24, has been unemployed for several months. His cocky attitude has had him telling everyone he would be getting a job soon with all of his amazing qualifications, but there doesn't seem to be much employment activity going on with him. From what I see, E and W are disrespectful to one another and she bosses him around all the time. They are a completely toxic couple and I don't see how their marriage were to survive, nor do I see either them being able to face the reality and struggle of how hard life really is away from mommy and daddy.
I don't know why this whole thing hit me so hard. Maybe it was the fact that I am dealing with my own emotions over the possibility of being pregnant (or not). Maybe it was because I feel bad that my sister is setting herself up for failure. Maybe its because a little piece of me is jealous that I have my life more together and I'm not engaged yet. Maybe it's the hurt I felt because I didn't even find this out from my family, but rather through a mutual facebook friend who said its posted all over the place. Who knows?! All I know is that I am grateful for J's mom because she gave me the perspective I needed to get through all of this and while I'm still upset that my family has kept this from me for two days now, I have come to the realization that just because we share the same blood does not make us family. I can only hope and pray she and her marriage don't fail, and smile through my gritted teeth and pretend to be happy for her.
So yeah, quite a lot of stuff going on in my life. I'm hoping that we at least get an answer as to why I am feeling this way by the end of this week. I would like to move forward with my life, whether I am pregnant or not, although I really would like to be at this point (I'm not getting any younger). It's time to live for me and for my son and for J (and IB), to do the things that make me happy, regardless of the thoughts and judgments of other people. I don't care what the rest of the world thinks of me, including my "family". I'm happy and that's all that matters...
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