All my life, I have never found myself to be a typical girl. I played with boys starting at a young age, always willing to climb trees, get my hands dirty, and skin my knees. I always had to prove that I was a tough girl, and hanging out with prissy chicks was never my cup of tea. I always had a hard time getting along with girls, and from a young age, always felt like alot of girls were in a "competition" with me. I have encountered backstabbers, fakes, and flakes. There aren't very many females who I have been able to call my "best friend" throughout my life.
I went throughout elementary school and junior high, and the first year of high school with a plethora of "best friends". I thought that everyone I shared my secrets with were my "bff"s and I could trust them all. I shared alot, but learned very quickly that most little girls were not to be trusted. I was hurt over and over and over by girls who I thought I could trust. My parents would get mad at me for all that could have been avoided if I didn't trust so easily. My dad would tell me, time and time again, that I would have many acquaintances in my life but very few real best friends. I always hoped that he would be wrong and that I would have the real best friends I had hoped for.
Come sophomore year of high school, I became friends with L. She and I were as opposite as could be. We started talking when I noticed she was wearing a Backstreet Boys shirt. I made so much fun of her. That was just the start of a great friendship. Between her and our friend S, who I had known since freshman year, the three of us were inseperable for most of the rest of high school. Wherever one was, it was easy to find one of the other two not too far behind. We had many inside jokes and spent lots of time talking crap like Mean Girls. It was the best type of friendship I could have ever asked for.
S, L, and I would have lots of talks about what we'd be like when we got older. The plan was that of the three of us, I was the one that wasn't going to get married. I always would talk about having many houses, cars and lovers, with no children or a husband to hold me back. L was going to get married and a ton of kids, while S was going to have a husband who would have to beg her to even have sex with him. We were all so different from one another.
After high school, the three of us split. L moved to San Diego to go to art school, S went to FIDM and I went to Cal State Fullerton. Of the three of us, I was the first to get a boyfriend. I was also the first to get pregnant. While we still kept in touch with L, we mainly saw her while she was here visiting her parents for the holidays. S and I got a little bit closer during my emotional roller coaster of a pregnancy, as she was going through the emotional turmoil of her parents' divorce. We were there for each other, getting through the tough times together and L was also there for support as well, even though she was 2 hours away.
S and L went to Vegas together to celebrate their 21st birthdays and had a falling out while they were there. 6 1/2 years later, I'm not even sure what the heck happened, but they have not spoken to one another since. I was still able to keep in touch with both of them, being in the middle of whatever went on between them. I would see S more frequently than I would see L, as she only lived one hour away compared to the two that it takes to get to San Diego. S and I would talk and text quite frequently, while L and I mainly kept in touch via email, im, and the occasional phone call or text, making it a point to share what was going on in our lives during the past 10 years.
L and I haven't seen each other all too often during the past 10 years, but just like the air we breathe, I don't need to see her to know she is there. As busy as she has been with her career, she has always made it a point to be there for me when I really needed someone to talk to. She has grown tremendously from that Backstreet Boy lovin tee shirt girl to an amazing career woman who I admire. J and I recently went down to San Diego to see L get married. It was a day that made me so happy to be there for, and I was glad she shared her special moment with me. It was awesome to see that the girl who talked about all the things she wanted when she "grew up" was accomplishing the items on her checklist, one at a time. I am so appreciative of the fact that while we may not be the best of friends, she is still someone I could still call my friend.
S went on to become a wife and a mommy about 5 years ago, finding herself pregnant at the same time I was pregnant with Hope. It was a bumpy ride through our pregnancies, as she stopped talking to me when she found out I was going to place her for adoption. I was disappointed that my friend was not there for me while I made this tough decision and that she would not allow me to be there for her to celebrate the baby she was expecting. Thanks to an invitation to her baby shower, we were able to make up and get through the last few weeks of pregnancies as friends. Her son and Hope are exactly 4 weeks apart.
Since then, S and I would see each other from time to time, making it a point to be there for one another at important events: C's birthday parties and preschool graduation, her bridal shower and family events. We would go to lunch and dinner together from time to time, always sharing whatever exciting, or sad news was going on in our lives. She always made it a point to call me or text me on Hope's birthday, saying she had it circled on her calendar every year as a reminder of me.
I always thought that I would be friends with the girls forever, even if they weren't friends with each other. I wish I could say I knew what happened next, but I don't. About a year ago, S and I stopped talking. I can't pinpoint why or how, but we did, and it still disappoints me. She was the closest thing I had to a best friend in my life, and all of a sudden, that friendship was gone. It's been tough to grieve that loss, because I don't know what happened to it in the first place. Till this day, it still bothers me to wonder what happened, but I just don't have the courage to ask her.
Since high school, I have many amazing people come in and out of my life. Whether they have been acquaintances or actual friends, classmates or coworkers, I don't think I have been able to put a label of best friend on anyone, except for J. The closest I have to a female best friend is about a 6 hour drive in Utah, as D is probably the ONLY person I can tell EVERYTHING to knowing I won't be judged or ridiculed. Just as when I was younger, it has been so much easier to befriend boys than girls. In the past few years I have grown pretty close to the boys who I consider to be the brothers I never had, but even then, those friendships have changed now that I'm in a relationship where partying and drinking just isn't that important to me.
Will I ever have a group of friends like the chicks in Bridesmaids or Sex and the City, the kind of friends who I can count on to come over with a tub of ice cream and trashy magazines on a blah day? Probably not, especially now at 28 when it's alot harder to build those types of friendships. Do I appreciate the friendships I do have with some of the strong, independent women who have proven to be that they have a place in my heart (most of which are reading this blog right now)? Yes, very much so, because whether they think so, each one has taught me a new lesson in life. So I guess I should stop worrying about the bridesmaids issue for my non-existent wedding and instead focus on the friendships I have with the people I will invite to witness my wedding instead ;)
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