Loose Teeth

Life has been crazy busy with the start of school having come and gone. I am now in the midst of my fourth week of classes and feeling quite challenged. It's been a test of my faith in myself and my sanity, but I am succeeding. I feel pretty proud of myself, as I have always been one to run from challenges rather than accept them and deal with them head on. I am definitely doing it, though, and couldn't be happier (amidst my exhaustion).

I got an unexpected surprise this weekend. I FINALLY got picture's from Hope's parents. Yes, the pictures they promised me right after Christmas. Regardless of how long it took for them to send them, I was jumping for job when I checked my email and saw her beautiful little face smiling back at me. The note attached was short and sweet:

Hi M,

Thanks for waiting. Please enjoy these pictures of Hope.

Cordially,
V and L

I was slightly bummed the email didn't say more, but I was still fairly excited to have gotten pictures. Besides, I did get an email about a month ago from them. I can't be so demanding :) I followed up with an email to let them know I got the pictures:

V and L,

Thank you so, so much for sending me pictures of beautiful Hope. It definitely made my day of drowning in homework so much better to see her beautiful, smiling face. I am so amazed by how much she has grown since the last pictures you sent me. She is definitely looking more mature and grown, and she is extremely beautiful. I love seeing how happy she is. She seems to really enjoy all of the activities she is involved in.

 Have the teeth that were loose on Christmas fallen yet?

Once again, thank you so much for sending me the pictures. I always enjoy receiving emails from you and especially enjoy seeing pictures of Hope and all that she has going on in her life. It's truly refreshing and a great motivator when I hear from you.

Hope all is well,
*M

When I woke up the follwoing morning, I had an unexpected surprise in my inbox, a response back!

Hi M,

We are so glad you enjoyed the pictures. Yes, Hope has grown so much
and does not look like a little girl. She has not lost her teeth yet and now
there is a total of four loose teeth. Three on top and one on the bottom. 
She is having a heck of a time eating.  As you can see in the pictures she enjoys
everything.

Keep up the good work with school it will all pay off in the end.

All our love,

V, L and the "big girl" Hope

It feels good, almost as if they are warming up to me more, which I truly appreciate. I am so incredibly grateful for the opportunity they have given me by opening the door to more communication through email. I never in a million years would have expected oour relationship to be as "open" as it is with each other. I feel so incredibly blessed to have the chance to engage in actual conversation with them and to have the ability to tell them about my life.

I've been thinking about Hope a lot more than usual lately. Maybe because my 29th birthday is just 22 days away and I'm realizing how fast time is flying, or maybe it's because J and I have been talking more and more about marriage and a family of our own and he has brought up that my "clock is ticking". I miss her, a lot. I wish I had her here to do girly things with her. I would have loved to take her to see Beauty and the Beast, or Lady and the Tramp, or to Build-a-Bear or to go and get a pedi together. I would love to be the one to find out about her loose teeth and to see her jack-o-lantern smile. I would love to see her laugh and giggle and play with C. Seeing her pictures only solidified that need and want even more.

I have been talking about getting a tattoo in her honor for soooooo long. I have gone back and forth about what exactly I wanted. Did I want a flower? Did I want her face? Did I want an adoption symbol? I was browsing around on Pinterest (my new addiction) and came across a white ink tattoo that said hope. It was plain and simple and beautiful, and I decided that is exactly what I want. I made the decision that I am going to do it within the next couple of weeks as a birthday gift to myself. I want to know that my baby girl is with me always, and thats by permanently making her a part of my body, in ink. I'm so scared but so excited at the same time. I can't wait to get this work done!

Selling Myself Short

I believe I mentioned in my previous post about going engagement ring looking with J a couple of weeks ago. It was truly a defining moment in our relationship, as I felt like that was when I really knew that J wasn't all talk about wanting a future with me. That was the moment when I realized that things didn't work out with people in the past so they could prepare me for now and my future with J. So many feelings and emotions hit me at once, and the moment we got into the car, I cried. I couldn't believe that someone, especially J, would want to even consider spending the rest of their lives with a nutcase like me.

Ok, maybe I should back track a little bit.

All my life, I have sold myself short. I have never felt like I was pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, or fast enough. When I was in high school, I was thin and attractive, but when I looked in the mirror, I saw an extremely fat girl staring back at me. This complex only got worse once I graduated and gained weight, and eventually got pregnant. Then my fat girl complex got worse because I was now a single fat mom. Throughout the years, as I lagged through community college, and went through the pregnancy and adoption of Hope, and through all the guys I dated and everything else, I always felt like I would never be good enough. I felt like no one would want me and all that I bring to the table. I felt like I was destined to be alone and that being C's mom was all that God had in store for me. Until I met J...

J has brought out a strength in me I never knew I had. Being his girlfriend has made me feel as if I am beautiful, attractive, and smart. Once I became J's girlfriend, it was easy to believe that I could do and have anything that I wanted. I never realized how much I want a future with someone other than my son by my side. I never realized how much I would want to one day be a wife and a mother of more babies. That is, until J came into the picture, and now all I can think about it being his wife and "baby mama".

Looking at rings together tore down any notions I had of not being good enough for anyone. It tore away my belief that my dad was right when he said no one will want to ever marry a girl like me, who is as "messed up" and "damaged" as I am. A single mom who has given birth to two kids shouldn't be given a chance at unconditional love, and yet, here I have it right in front of me with J. How did I get so lucky? And why the hell am I so scared of it? Why do I still feel like I'm not good enough for him? Why do I find reasons to try to push him away? Why am I so scared of letting my heart trust and love him 110%? Maybe because in the back of my head, I still believe that my dad may be right. Who could love a girl like me?

I need to start breaking these walls down. I need to stop thinking that I'm that messed up that I don't deserve everything I have earned and worked so hard for. This amazing relationship? Yeah, it hasn't been easy. Each day is a struggle. Each time I push him away and ask for a break, I know in my heart I don't want it or mean it, but it's the only way I can protect myself. After nearly 14 months, I still don't believe that I could have a guy love me for all that I am and all that I plan on becoming in the future. I still don't think I'm worthy of something great and I place unrealistic expectations so that my disappointment is all I have, almost so that I have something to complain about.

You don't text me like you used to. You don't call me like you used to. You don't see me as much as you used to. You don't have sex, kiss, hug, hold me as much or like you used to. You don't bring me flowers, take me on dates, surprise me like you used to. You don't have a picture of me on your fb profile pic or you don't comment on my wall. You don't make me feel special like you used to. You don't do this or that or go here or go there. All these stupid complaints are so invalid. Yet this is me, almost everyday, and it's so effing stupid of me. Granted, some of my complaints are valid, but at the end of the day, when all is said and done, its a bunch of stupid bullshit because he loves me, and no amount of pushing him away will change that. At least I hope.

This month has been difficult with trying to get past what happened earlier, and it has hurt like hell, yet I have learned that I have made myself hurt more than he has hurt me. I haven't been able to get past it like I thought I could, but I want to. I keep bringing it up, and when I am alone, I obsess about it. It's my driving force to go to the gym and to work hard, because I think that maybe, just maybe, he wouldn't have been tempted to get cheap thrills from this girl if I was thinner, more attractive, etc. I want to let go of it all in my head so that whatever happens from here on out is resolved from all of that mess. I'm so afraid that it will be in the back of my mind, and that I won't be able to completely forget.... and by doing that, it makes it so much harder to forgive.

I KNOW I have issues I need to work past to be the ideal wife and mom that I want to be. I KNOW it's not going to be easy to get through the bumps and hard times. I KNOW that pushing him away doesn't make things better. But I KNOW he loves me, almost as much as I love him, and I can only hope that love is the driving force to keep us strong and free from the temptations in the outside world.

I have to stop selling myself so short and I need to start believing that I am as great as people say I am. I know that that is the only way I can start to be the woman I know I can be, for him, for me, for my/our children. It will take some time, and he will need to patient, but eventually I will get there...

Blah New Year

Here we are, 23 days into the new year and I absolutely hate it. It's been a rough month of ups and downs and I don't know how much crap I can take. I don't even know where to start, really....

I spent the better half of December preparing for a move for work.. yes, another one! The office I was previously at was moving to a smaller location, and I was one of the people in charge of the move. It was overwhelming, and slightly stressful, but we got through it.

Though the holidays this year seemed as though they were tougher to get through, they came and went without a hitch... ok, maybe just a minor one. I had an awful breakdown on Christmas day where I locked myself in the room and didn't want to do anything. I struggled with the feelings I had pertaining to the adoption, and for the first time in my life, I said I regretted my choice. I know deep down I really don't, but that day I felt like I did. It was the weirdest feeling.

J and I celebrated our first official Christmas Eve dinner together at my house (last year, we had just started dating a few weeks prior to Christmas) but unfortunately, we didn't have the opportunity to spend Christmas Day together. That made Christmas so much harder to get through. But I made it through, and I didn't let it get the best of me. I survived one more year of heartfelt pains and anxieties related to the missing piece of my heart.

I did end up sending an email to Hope's parents for the holidays and got a fairly quick and sincere response which surprised me.On December 27th, I send the following email:

Hello Hope, L, and V!

I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas and that you have enjoyed the holidays to the fullest. I hope that Hope got many presents from Santa and that she got all that her heart desired. I hope you don't mind the email, but I have been thinking about you all and just wanted to say hello.

I've been very busy with work (still at the same non-profit, working at two offices but looking for a new job) and school (it's currently winter break, but made it through successfully with my first full quarter at this new university), but have also made lots of time to enjoy life to the fullest. C has kept us busy with soccer and we have been doing  family stuff with the holidays having been here. We have been very blessed to have had a great Christmas, having gone to Knott's Berry Farm on Friday, enjoying dinner at our house with the family on Saturday (Christmas Eve) , and then spending time with family that came from Florida to visit on Sunday for Christmas Dinner at my aunt's house. On top of all of that, I have taken up (and have gotten good at) baking cupcakes. I LOVE cupcakes, and I love making them for everyone. I'm even thinking of maybe possibly starting a side business making cupcakes :)

Anyhow, I just wanted to let you know that I have thought about your family alot, as I do every holiday that passes. There's not a day that goes by where I don't think about Hope, and I thank God for the amazing opportunities she has thanks to you. I have a gift for her and am planning on sending it within the next week or so if that is ok with you. I also wanted to send you a link to a photo album I made of some of the pictures we have of things we have done throughout this past year. I'm sure you are interested in knowing more about our life and the things we like to do and the people who we surround ourselves with, so I added captions to the pictures. If for some reason, you have trouble with it, let me know.
 https://picasaweb.google.com/108828241351208040940/2011?authuser=0&authkey=Gv1sRgCI3JwZPTpqi3ew&feat=directlink

I hope you all have a Happy New Year, may 2012 bring you much love and success. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sending lots of love your way,
M :)

A few days later, two to be exact, on December 29th, I got this email in my inbox:

Dear M,

We love to hear from you, never think that you could bother us. You have given us the greatest gift we could ask for and love you for that.

Hope had a very nice Christmas. Santa was very good to her as she is a good girl. She had a big surprise Christmas night when I pointed out to her that her two upper front teeth are lose.  She lost her first lower front tooth a day before Christmas eve last year, and then the second one.  She was shocked in a good way.

As usual, she is doing wonderful. At the moment school is easy for her. She reads sight words at 4th grade level and enjoys math. V and I are very happy that school comes easily for her.

V was very busy with the Chips for Kids program, at work, this holiday season. Hope was on the poster again for CBS2/KCAL9. She has alot of fun with it.

On about you, what school did you transfer to? Are looking for the same type of work? Do you make your own special cupcakes?  Glad to hear C is keeping you busy as I know kids do.

We think about you too. I hope to send you some up to date pictures this weekend of  Hope. You can always send gifts to me at my work address:

We will go on line and look at your pictures this weekend.

We send our love to you and your family and have a happy and safe New Year.

Love always,

L and V

Granted, I have yet to hear back from them, and am still awaiting pictures, I was very excited to have gotten that email, as it felt like the most sincere correspondence I had ever gotten from her. After reading this email, I felt like there was no better way to end 2011. I felt like I was ready to bring on 2012 and all this has to offer me, at least until New Years Eve...

NYE was a weird day. I spent most of the day at home, baking, in preparation for the evening. The plan for J and I was dinner with my family and then off to his family for a midnight countdown. Dinner ended up being a tad bit later than anticipated. J was grouchy because he was hungry, C wasn't feeling very well while we waited to be seated for dinner. After we waited an hour to be seated, C started feeling worse and worse to the point where he had tears in his eyes. J suggested we take C home, and on the way, we stopped to get some 7up for C and some dinner for J and I. We weren't even a half mile away from home when the smell of the food hit C and he started vomiting uncontrollably - yes, in J's Lexus. OMG.. what a nightmare. Then, the moment the smell of vomit hit J's nose, he started to gag and I was afraid he would vomit as well. It was an incredible ordeal. I got C into the house, threw him into the shower with clothes on and all and went to help J try to clean out his car. I went back and forth for a bit until the situation was under control and both were as taken care of as possible considering all that had happened. Needless to say, we never made it to J's house for the countdown. We stayed at home and celebrated with 7up in paper cups. Maybe this was a sign of what my year would be like...

Considering we are only 23 days into this year, this year has definitely taken me for a spin. On New Years Day, I made the mistake of going through J's phone and finding conversations from a few months prior between him and a coworker. Granted it was harmless flirting (or so I hope that's all it was), I was extremely hurt and heartbroken. He almost broke up with me for not trusting him and for going through his phone, and I almost broke up with him for "cheating" on me and hurting me. We realized that we both love each other waaaaaay too much to let a bump in the road ruin our relationship and are trying to work through it, in hopes that it makes us stronger than ever. It has really been difficult to overcome this pain and hurt I feel, but I know I love him and that he loves me and that this was a mistake that won't happen again. I would like to think that this was a lapse in judgement, and I have to try to keep that in mind when I have days where I may doubt him in the back of my mind. We have had an extremely healthy relationship up until this point, at least the healthiest I have ever been in, and I'm not willing to throw it all away due to his mistake. I can only hope and pray that this situation made him realize my value and that it makes us stronger as a couple, which I have a feeling it will. I just need to get through this period of trying to blame myself and figure out what I did wrong that could've prevented him from needing the "newness" of talking to someone else. I know I have to get it through my head that it wasn't anything having to do with me, but it's hard not to when this is something that has occurred over and over in my life. Makes me almost feel like I'm not enough, like I will never be... but I know that isn't the case.

Since then, things have started to get better, although we seem to have rocky days here and there, as all couples do. I think we have both pretty much decided that we are soulmates and that we both want a future together. Marriage has come up a lot more and we have even done some engagement ring browsing. I really see my life with J by my side, and I know that we are meant to be together, despite whatever curveballs God throws our way. I hope that we get through this, or rather, should I say, I get through this, and that I can completely forgive and forget so that I can move on because I do love him and do want to be his wife one day (hopefully soon).

It seems like things are changing all around me in regards to a lot of people's relationships. Mostly for the good. I got asked to be a bridesmaid in an upcoming wedding for a good friend of mine this coming August. J, C, and I are planning on taking our first family vacation to Minnesota. It will definitely be an experience we will never forget, but I am really looking forward to it. It should be fun for sure.

In addition to relationship stuff, I have been swamped with work and school. School started on the 9th and has kept me fairly busy. I am drowning in homework and assignments and have so much to do. Luckily I am already in week 3 and only have 7 more weeks to go. I am definitely being challenged in ways I've never been challenged before, and while I am struggling, I am proud of myself for not giving up when things got tough, as I have in the past.

As for the work stuff, that's almost a whole other blog in itself. Its been tough to try to get accustomed to running things smoothly at two offices. There have been some bumps in the road, but I'm hoping to get all the kinks worked out to make it more efficient for me as I try to get the hang of balancing two offices at once.

I am really hoping that this year can only get better from here. This is the last month before I turn 29 and I am hoping that my last year in my 20's is amazing and life changing. I don't want to have so many expectations of a great year, but I definitely want to live it up and enjoy it, as time only goes forward and never stops. Who knows what the next 11 1/2 months hold for me, but it better be a positive change from the lemons I've had to turn into lemonade. :)