There's been a lot of stuff brewing inside my head and sometimes, I just want to shut it all off. I so desperately wanted to stay home, under the covers this morning, but that wasn't possible. I wanted just one day of solitude, to actually cry and let the emotions out in hopes that it will make me feel better. Soooooooo much for that because I am currently writing this blog from work.
On Wednesday, J and I celebrated 5 months of dating with a nice dinner at a local resort. It was the perfect evening, allowing us to enjoy each other's company in the warmth of spring. I really make it a point to try and enjoy every moment spent together, because in all actuality, we don't have much time for each other. It was a nice moment of relaxation and indulgence of good drinks, decent food, and amazing company. I wish the whole night could've lasted longer than just a couple of hours, because being in his arms is where I always feel the safest.
I feel like this whole week, I've been having to kick myself in the butt to do things. To get work done, to act like I'm interested in things. I find that deep down, I'm slightly bitter and angry. On Wednesday night, I had a dream that I had killed some random person who broke into my house. It was the oddest dream ever, and it really bothered me to have such morbid thoughts. I researched dream meanings and read that those type of dreams indicate suppressed anger and frustrations with situations that cannot be changed. I guess, in this case, it was my subconscious, surfacing anger within me that I haven't verbally voiced. Just what is it that I am so angry about?
I think a big part of the anger I have inside of me is towards my family. I KNOW that's where a large part of my anger is directed towards. Case in point: Tomorrow is C's First Holy Communion. In my opinion, it's supposed to be a special day for him. Something for him to always remember. With alot of things going on in our extended family (news of family members being really, really sick), my parents didn't want to have anything at home. I was trying to think of things we could do that would be fun and memorable for C. I decided we'd go to one of the local pizza places that have games that he could play. C really enjoyed that idea.
Yesterday, my dad came home and said he made reservations at a Mexican restaurant for after church on Saturday. I was speechless. I am his MOTHER. Why didn't anyone consult me before doing so? What was I supposed to say now? "Cancel your reservations, I don't want to go there"? I understand that he didn't have any ill-intentions, but at the same time, I don't think he understood that he was overstepping his boundaries. J got on my case for not opening my mouth and putting my foot down, but I know my family and know that they are quick to jump on my case and address my faults when I stand up for myself and contest something they do or say, especially regarding my son. It's an awful situation to be in and I hate it. Unfortunately, though, that's the story of my life when it comes to my family.
Today, I am feeling worse off than I did yesterday. J is stuck working a 48-hour shift which means our usual Friday ritual is broken, which really sucks when I miss him so much. Also, I am overwhelmed with a long to-do list of things that need to be done for tomorrow. On top of that, I am pretty emotional, and it isn't taking much to set me off into a teary-eyed mess. I wanted to call off of work today, and J gave me a hard time about it. He has a valid point as to why, but at the same time, I felt frustrated with the fact that he wasn't in my shoes. It's not like I have a car to get to places to do what needs to get done. I don't have anyone really helping me. But such is life, and I'll figure out a way to get through it and have all the items on my list checked off by tonight.
"Tough times never last, but tough people do."
- Robert H. Schuller
I keep telling myself that it's only a few more days ahead of me that I have to get through. I am reminding myself that tomorrow is a day of celebration of accomplishment in C's life. I have got to be strong and put a smile on my face, even if I feel "blah" on the inside, if not for myself, for C. I know I will get through it, but it's always tough when I feel alone with my thoughts and feelings. One hour at a time, I guess. I just hope I don't kill anyone between now and then.
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