Crazy, Beautiful Life

"Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated."

~ Confucius

I know it has been a long time since I updated this blog. So much has happened over the past few weeks, I don't even know where to start. It's almost amazing how looking back at the past month, I have realized how many ups and downs I have gone through, yet am still standing, making it through it all.

Earlier this month, I had the opportunity to meet J's entire family. Every year, his family has a family reunion, which was at his house this year. In the 8 months I have been dating J, I had heard many stories about his family, whom he holds to such a high regard. It was very nice to meet every aunt, uncle and cousin he has talked about, although there were some that were missing. I have never, ever felt so welcomed and such a part of the family. I was grateful to have such an opportunity to meet some amazing people.

Of those amazing people, one of the biggest influences on what a great time I had was J's cousin, A. A and I had been Facebook friends for awhile before she and her family made it down to California from Colorado for family reunion week. A reminds me a lot of myself when I was her age (nearly 20) and she and I seemed to have hit it off right off the bat. We got to talk a lot, and the Facebook relationship we had built seemed to have only been strengthened by meeting in person. I am glad I took time off from work, which I rarely ever do, to go to the Orange County Fair, shopping, to Ports O Call, and to do more shopping with J's immediate and Colorado family. I had a great time, but had a really hard time saying goodbye when it was time for them to go back to Colorado. I cried the whole way home from J's house to mine, mostly because I was going to miss A and her incredible family, and also because I knew I wasn't going to be as busy as I was. Them being here in town meant me almost forgetting what has really been in the back of my mind... Hope's birthday.

I feel like as soon as J's family festivities were over, the weight of what is to come next month hit me like a ton of bricks. I have been on a roller coaster of emotions since the beginning of the month, and I almost feel overwhelmed by my thoughts and feelings. I wish there was a way to control it and to not let my feelings get the best of me, but I can't and I find that I am crying much more often than I have in a long time.

I recently got news that things at work are going to change. I'm not sure I could say much for the change other than I am having a hard time with the fact that they are letting someone go, whose spot I will be taking over. I feel bad that it's not because this woman is a bad employee, just that they felt I was a better one. Its been tough, and I am not looking forward to the adjustments and the change that is about to occur over the course of the next few weeks.

With all of that, and school, and a child, and keeping my wonderful boyfriend happy, I got to add getting into a car accident onto my list of things. Yup, I got into ANOTHER one. Not very fun at all, but I am ok and so is my friend, and that's all that matters. Ok, maybe not all that matters... I am sore and achy and I hurt all over. I wish this pain would go away, as its been nearly a week since the accident occurred, but it is looking like it will be awhile before it does. I am most grateful that I could walk and be as normal as I could possibly be, just without the ability to carry my big purse or heavy boxes. This accident, however, made me realize who my true friends are, as they are the ones who have sent me texts or phone calls or facebook messages, asking me if I was alright. I have decided that those who didn't care enough to even send a simple message aren't people I should worry about to spend my time or focus on. It was a great way to turn a "bad" thing into a good one, as I was able to figure out who truly cared about me.

I have had so many thoughts flying through my head lately, at such a high rate of speed that I can't even catch them and put them in any particular order. This may seem like "thought vomit" so here it goes, in no particular order:

• My relationship with J has been fabulous, as it seems to get better and better each day (when I'm not pushing him away due to my own personal issues).
• C is starting the third grade in just a few days and I am overwhelmed but excited for him.
• It is coming on to 5 months since I last received pictures of Miss Hope. I called the adoption agency and spoke to the woman in charge of pictures and letters and she said I should email them again. I have had an email sitting in my drafts box of my email, waiting for me to grab the courage and just send it.
• In addition to the changes at work, I am applying for a position at a call center for Options United, a non-profit pro-life agency in Pasadena, working the hotline for women who have found themselves in unplanned pregnancies. I am really excited for this opportunity, but I am scared at the same time, as I am afraid it will bring up old memories or pain from my past. But as I always say, if my life experiences could help just one person or change one life, my purpose in life has been served and completed.
• My relationship with my family is still crap. It's off and on and off and on. I feel like I have a better relationship with J's parents than I do my own, and they seem to care more about what is going on in my life than my own. It amazes me that my parents don't ever ask me how school is going, and that's all that J's parents ever ask me about each and every time they see me
• I am starting week 7 of my first class tomorrow. 3 more weeks left in this quarter. I cant believe how fast time seems to be flying
• My beautiful, sweet daughter will be 6 years old in 19 days. I am an emotional wreck, and I wish I wasn't. I hate crying and not being able to stop, almost for what seems to be no apparent reason for anyone who has to deal with me.
• J and I started playing a game that was probably the best thing I could've ever suggested. Each day for the past three and hopefully for the next 4 or 5 days, we pick 10 things that we love about the other and text them to each other. My plan is to eventually put all these things in a blog, for him and for me, so that when we are having a rough day, we can look at them and be reminded of all the amazing things the other person loves about us. I am excited for this new little project.

All in all, even though I have been through my share of "bad luck" these past few weeks, I am feeling blessed and fortunate to be able to walk, and live and love. I'm looking to probably get back to writing more since I know for a fact that I am going to need a place to vent my feelings and frustrations over the next few weeks. I just needed to get out all the crazy, beautiful things that are happening in my life.

A Year Ago Today...

I have been doing some major life reflections the past couple of days. It is probably because this morning, at 1 a.m., marked the one year anniversary of my car accident. I didn't think it would be a big deal, but subconsciously it is, probably because it marked a turning point in my life.

Before this past year, I wasn't necessarily a bad person, but I wasn't an outstanding individual either. I wasn't anyone who made such a particular difference that I'd be missed if I was gone. I was a mediocre mom and daughter who was so miserable with her life. I wasn't the best friend I could possibly be to some people and I did such a half assed job when I was at work. My ex boyfriend and I fought like crazy, especially after I found out he cheated on me. I felt like I didn't deserve better, like I was destined to be disrespected, and talked down to, and mistreated. I felt like it was my punishment for all the things I did wrong in life.

On June 27th of last year, my buddies and I got together to host a pool party. The party was a major fail, and everyone got super drunk, including my ex. Because I saw how intoxicated he was, I stopped drinking and was sober so that I could drive home at the end of the night. I drove him home to Whittier and we agreed I would take his car home and I'd bring it back the next day after work. I always took the streets home, but because I was so exhausted and had to work the next day, I decided to take the freeway because it was faster. BIG MISTAKE.

Traffic on the freeway was at a standstill. Apparently there had been an accident and the freeway was closed off. After a couple minutes of sitting there on the freeway, I noticed the car started to overheat, so I turned it off. Once the freeway opened up, I turned the car back on and it wouldn't start. I had left the lights on and the battery was dead. At this point, I was in the #2 lane of the freeway. I started freaking out as the cars around me started to move and I was stuck there. I called 911 and asked for help right away. It was 1 a.m. and cars were flying by me at 65, 75 mph. Granted I had my hazard lights on and was stepping on the brakes, but there is no worse feeling than knowing you are basically a sitting duck and could get hit at anytime. I kept looking into the rear view mirror and could see all the cars swerving to avoid hitting me. 3 minutes after my call to 911, I got a call from the CHP asking exactly where I was on the freeway. I told him and he said to stay calm and they'd be there shortly. 11 minutes after my initial 911 call, I called again. I was frantic and needed help. I knew I was going to get hit and there was nothing I could do to avoid it.

As I was on that second call to 911, a car swerved out of the way to avoid hitting me. Apparently, the car behind was following that car too closely, so closely that they never saw me, until it was too late. I got rear ended dead on, probably at the speed of 65mph if not a little more. As I sit here and think about the collision and the the force of the impact, I find it truly a miracle that I survived with nothing more than some rattled nerves and a sore back. I was in complete and utter shock that this had happened, all while I was on the phone with dispatch still. I sat in the car to take in everything that happened and could see the lights of the CHP doing a freeway closure in the distance. Some nice guys had stopped their truck and helped me out as well as the couple who had rear ended me. One guy walked me to the side of the freeway while the other guy moved the car to the shoulder. They waited with me until the CHP officers were able to get to us.

I called my ex to let him know that I had gotten into an accident. He started yelling at me about his car. He had his roommate drop him off at the accident scene, only to yell at me some more. I was in pain and shock. I couldn't believe what had happened to me, and all this guy could do was yell at me about how he knew it was a bad idea for me to drive his car home, and why would I take the freeway when I always took the streets. I just wanted to get home.

The moment I walked in my door and saw my dad, I bawled. I cried and cried in his arms. The reality of what had just happened to me hit me, and I almost couldn't believe it. The accident could've been so much worse. I could've been injured, even worse, I could've died. What would've happened to C? Would I have ever seen Hope again? So many feelings and emotions flooded me and I was as emotionally broken as bad as my body hurt.

The next morning after the accident, I went to the doctor to get checked out. I was in excruciating pain, physically and emotionally. I stayed home for a couple of days from work, but had to get back. I found that it hurt me to sit for too long, so I would come to work a few hours late and leave early. It was the biggest lifestyle change ever, as I felt I was unable to do a lot of things I had been able to do before, including simple things like carry my purse or even getting dressed quickly in the morning.

Not only did I change physically, I changed internally. I found myself to be more emotional than usual. I couldn't sleep because I would close my eyes and see the cars coming at me. I was beyond anxious and suffered near panic attacks while on the freeway, especially in the evening time. I couldn't even drive myself for nearly a month afterwards, I couldn't be alone for too long or else my mind would race and I would start thinking about all the things that went on. I had images of C living with no mom, or of Hope looking for her birth mom and being told she had died. I had replayed over and over and over what could've happened, and really questioned God as to why he kept me from harm.

After the initial shock and anxiety of the whole situation wore off, I started to see clearly. I was able to see that the choices I made in life weren't always the best and I was determined to make something out of myself. I was tired of wasting time, and realized that there was no better time than now to make up for lost time. I became a better mom by putting a higher importance on my son's priorities. I became a better friend my appreciating each and every person who sent me well wishes. I became a better daughter for appreciating my parents for all they did for me. I went back to school, I was happier at work, and eventually, after 3 months, I finally got out of the relationship that made me miserable. It was the most drastic change I had ever made, yet it was the one that made me the happiest.

Within the past year, I have strived to be a completely better person. I have made it a priority to appreciate every moment and every person who means something to me. I have learned that being happy is something I have to do for myself before I could let anyone else try to do it for me. I have also learned to work on the things I want to change about myself and accept that there are things I cannot change in others. I have done a better job at sorting out who my real friends are and who I really don't want to be associated with.

The biggest change of all during the past year is that I have learned to love myself, which has undoubtedly been the best change of all. Loving myself has allowed numerous opportunities to come my way, including opening my mind and my heart and meeting the man of my dreams. Never in a million years did I think I would meet someone, especially so soon after getting out of my previous relationship, who I love as much as I love J. I never thought I would meet someone who I could trust and respect who would in turn do the same for me. I never thought it was possible to feel the way I do for him. Yet I am head over heels in love and know this is who I would like to spend the rest of my life with.

So while I sit here and truly thank God for everything he has done for me, I reflect on all the amazing things I have accomplished during the past 12 months, as well as all the things on my to-do list that need to be checked off still. I strive not to take any moment I have for granted and to make the most out of my time. I aim to be the best person I could possibly be and do all the things I have always hoped I would achieve. I guess things happen for a reason after all......