The weather as of lately has been really weird. It's been gloomy, and cold, and then warm in the afternoons, and then cold again at night. It's really annoying when figuring out what to wear in the morning, and very hard to make plans to do something fun in the sun when there is really no sun. I guess my moods have been matching this weather lately, and I'm pretty tired of it.Last week, J and I had a moment when I almost thought it was over for good. I can honestly admit, that the issue of pushing him away when I need him the most is my own. I wish I could change being that way, but it's hard. I've never been in such a healthy loving relationship, and am so used to people giving up on me when times get tough. I guess pushing him away kinda protects me from getting hurt and given up on. With all that he is going through trying to manage both a full time work and school schedule, I am trying to learn to adjust to the change in our relationship and accept that I am no longer a priority of his, but it is hard. We went from spending most of his days off together, to now seeing each other two days a week, if we are lucky. It's difficult because I feel like we have spent more time missing each other than actually together.
I've always firmly believed in the saying that people come into your life for a reason. We got a new intern at work who started last week. She was explaining to me that she has been in a long distance relationship with her boyfriend over the course of the past year or so. She's here in California, and he is in D.C. She said that they have regularly scheduled Skype dates and that they see each other one every month or so. She says it's been difficult, but that it is worth it because they love each other. Talking to her and hearing her story made me appreciate our situation. While we are not across the country from one another (although sometimes it feels like that), seeing each other once or twice a week is a whole lot better than once a month. I realized that the sacrifices we are making right now are going to be worth it in the long run when we are both successful and (hopefully) married with a family of our own. I have decided that rather than complain about the time apart from one another, I need to suck it up and just appreciate the time we do have, as well as be a strong woman, and help my man instead of give him more problems to add to his plate.
In addition to our relationship issues, I have been feeling pretty lonely. I realized that because my time with J has been so limited, I have so often turned down opportunities to do things with my friends. Since J had plans to take his dad out on Saturday night for Father's Day (since he had to work on Sunday), I found myself with free time, and an urge to go out and have a good time. I text about 5 different female friends, and all of them were "busy" doing other things. I felt like long gone are the days of including me in their plans, and it is certainly understandable. I have comfortably fallen into the cycle of relationship life, and I no longer fit in with my single friends. I know that I can count on those girls if I really really needed them, but expecting to be included in their plans like before is out of the question.
On top of all of that, my family issues have really been getting to me as well. I feel like the moment dad is gone, my siblings take it as an opportunity to take advantage. I hate how disrespectful they are and cannot stand how they walk all over my mother. I hate that when they are home, I lock myself away in my room, drowning in Army Wives episodes on Netflix on my laptop. I wish I had a real family. One who loved and supported each other, during both the good and bad times. I have told J several times that I find it very sad that I feel more comfortable being at his house, eating dinner with his family, than I do with my own. Its highly disturbing and heartbreaking that I don't even trust my family.
Yesterday was Father's Day. It was the first Father's Day that my dad wasn't here for, and frankly, that depressed me more than anything. He sent me a text yesterday morning, from Mexico, that said that he wished he could have a talk with his dad (who passed away a few years ago) so that he could see what a good man and good father he has become. He said that even though we don't agree on things sometimes, he will always love me. It made me miss him so much more to know that it will be another week before I get to give him a hug.
All dad wanted for Father's Day was for the 5 of us to do something together, to celebrate him even though he wasn't here. Upon getting ready, I realized that half of my makeup stash is missing. Absolutely GONE. Along with a lot of my wardrobe. I was so angry and frustrated that I work hard to buy things for myself, and to find it all missing. It is heart breaking and absolutely irritating that my sisters have found a way to break into my room and steal my things and my mom doesn't do anything about it. I guess my frustration erupted in a not so nice way. Mom suggested we go to Applebees. I don't like Applebees so I said so. Little did I know that would begin World War III. I got called names by my sisters. They said I was ungrateful and not a part of the family, so I said fine, I'm not going. I'm not going to sit at a table and pretend like I am happy. I felt really bad because it was my dad's wish for us to be together, but I just couldn't do it. They left, and took C with them, and I locked myself away in my room crying because I really can't stand my living situation much longer.
It really hurt me when I got a text from my mom after they got home saying: "I really wish you had gone with us. One day I will find out why you hate me so much. I'm sorry for whatever I did to make you feel like that. I still love you" and again, another text from her this morning asking: "Are you still very upset at me? Can we be friends again?" That's when it hit me that one of the main problems our family has is that probably because we are grown now, my mom is no longer trying to be a mom, and is desperately trying to be a friend. I don't need a friend. I need my mother. I need her to set boundaries and to give me the support that I need. I need her to understand that just because I am independent does not mean that I don't care about her or that I don't want her in my life. I need her to understand that not only do I need her to be a mom, she needs to be a mom to my sisters instead of their friend. That's why it's so easy for them to manipulate and control her, because she wants their acceptance rather than set up boundaries and make them follow them.
Looking at the situation, from the outside looking in, I realize how much our family needs therapy. They can use me as a scapegoat and blame me for their issues all they want, but I know within myself that they just don't want to take accountability for their own problems. It's not my fault they can't get a job or do something productive with their lives. It's not my fault they are in relationships that are unhappy and verbally abusive. They can blame it all on me getting pregnant at a young age and my choice to place Hope for adoption without consulting anyone else, but blame and the lack of accountability will get them nowhere in life.
The sun has finally peeked through the clouds, and the morning June gloom has finally gone away. I think by writing and sharing my feelings about all that has been bothering me has helped me realize a lot of things. I have a lot going for myself. I am strong and determined, motivated to make a difference for myself and my son. I am doing my best to wake up every day and live my life the way I want it to be lived, as I know that only I can make my life the way I want it to be. Only I can be held accountable for my actions, for the good and the bad that I do. I can't let anyone, or anything affect me or try to stop me from reaching my goals. Bye-bye, June gloom. There's only room for sunny days on this calendar.
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