Dreams

Lately, I have been doing alot of thinking. Thinking about life, where I'm at in it, and where I'm headed. I have thought about how much I have accomplished, and how much I still need to get done. I have thought about the choices I have made and I wonder if I would make the same choices today. I am constantly changing, becoming a better person with each passing day, yet in my heart something is the same. That something is my love for both of my children, the one that is with me, and the one that isn't.

Lately, I've been having dreams about Hope. Dreams of meeting her in the street or watching her play at the park. In my dreams, she is mine. I am the one who dresses her and combs her hair. I am the one who pushes her on the swings or plays Barbies with her. I dream about C being her big brother, protecting her from harm and building her houses out of his Legos for her dolls. I dream of the three of us being a family together, welcoming in J, the prince charming I never thought I would have. I dream about him loving both of my babies the same and the four of us living a perfect life together.

Then I wake up. I wake up and realize that I will never see her play at the park as a child. I will never get to hear her laugh and giggle as she comes down the slide or as I push her on the swing. We will never sing together, or cuddle together. I will never know what her hair smells like or what her favorite color is. I will never know what her voice sounds like or what she is scared of. I will never know her favorite food or what she sounds like when she cries. I will never know what it feels like to hold her in the middle of the night when she is sick or scared.

All I will ever know is the girl in the pictures that I get from time to time. I know that she likes Strawberry Shortcake and Dora the Explorer. I know that she travels to places I have never been before and that she is in karate and gymnastics. I know that she is happy and well taken care of. But I don't know much else....

I never thought being a birthmom would be this hard. When I was pregnant with her and I made the decision to place her, I thought that if I didn't get attached to the growing mass inside my belly, I would be ok. I didn't think I would love her and care about her as much as I do. I didn't think I would think about her every day and every night. I didn't think my heart would ache as I wonder if I will ever have an opportunity to meet her again. I didn't think I'd wonder if she would eventually care to meet me. I didn't think the thought of meeting one day would consume me as much as it does. With each passing day, she is getting older. With each month that passes, and each birthday that comes around, it is one step closer to her getting old enough to make that decision.

I often think about what I would do or say if I ever got the opportunity to meet my princess again. I have played out scenarios in my head of bumping into her and her family at the mall or at the Farmer's Market. I wonder if I would have the courage to say something or if I would just walk in the opposite direction. Better yet, I wonder if her parents would recognize me and completely ignore me. Wondering what I would say or do is a constant thought in my head, especially with the small world that we live in.

I guess I've been thinking alot of my little angel lately now that I am on my way to a more successful future. I thank her (and C)  for giving me the push I need to move forward in life to be a better, more successful person. Everyday, I strive to be a little better and push a little harder, because for the past 8 years, life has no longer been about me, it's been about my children. I promised that little girl the day I said goodbye to her that when she met me again, I would be someone she could be proud of, and thats what I am working towards: being the person both of my children could look up at and be proud of.