When and How

"The deepest losses offer the widest openings for us to receive the miracles in our midst."

~Tami Lynn Kent

Adoption has been on my mind a lot lately. I don't know if it is because I am growing more and more into a better parent and person, going to school, and being more serious about life. I keep thinking about Hope, and how she would fit into my life here and now. I keep wondering what she is like or if she is on vacation now that it is summer time. I wonder if she would be proud of me, like I am proud of myself for all the changes that have occurred in my life. I actually hope both of my children will be proud of me.

When I said goodbye to my precious angel nearly 6 years ago, I promised her I would be someone she would be proud of if we were to meet again. I told the newborn baby that I held in my arms and cried over about how I was giving her a better life so that I could give her brother a better life as well. It has been a struggle, and definitely a difficult journey, but I haven't ever regretted my decision, even now that I am more stable than I was before. I find myself thinking about her when I make decisions regarding my life, even if she is not with me physically, because regardless, she is definitely with me in my heart.

With all this talk about marriage and a life together with J, I think about how C will fit into the picture and be a part of our family portrait. I also can't help but wonder what part Hope will play into that picture as well. I pray that she will decide to come look for me one day, or that we will stumble across each other in the streets or even on Facebook. I have hopes that we will one day be able to have some sort of relationship, not as a mother/daughter, but like long lost family, or even as friends. I probably have too much time on my hands to think because I find myself wondering how it would affect the dynamic of my relationship with C, as well as with J, and possibly our future children. These are things I never had to think about, as I never saw a future with anyone like I see it with J.

I find that one of my biggest dilemmas as of lately is figuring out when and how I am going to tell J's family about Hope. He and I have been dating for over 7 months now and I don't think this relationship is going anywhere other than forward. The deeper and deeper I fall for him, I find myself wanting to be closer to his family, especially his mom, because she is a good Christian woman and he holds her to such a high regard. It was hard for J to tell his mother I had a child when we first started dating, especially since I am the first girl he has dated with a kid, so I know that dropping a bomb that I am a birthmother is even worse. I'm not even sure how to go about in doing this.

I think about all the things that could go wrong in sharing with J's mom my history. I am afraid she will judge me and not want her son to date me. I worry she will think I am dirty or promiscuous. I am afraid she will think I am hiding more things about myself, and I would hate it if she doubted me. I know that ultimately, it is J I am dating, and not his family, and as long as he accepts me and my past in its entirety, than nothing else should matter, but it does. I think that had he not had this close of a relationship with his parents, I probably  wouldn't be stressing over this, but I am. I find that I feel this way because my own parents judge me, so I honestly can't see myself NOT being judged by people who I respect and care for. I truly hope that wouldn't be the case.

I don't know how much longer I can go, carrying on this weight in my heart of not telling his parents about Hope. A part of me feels that by not telling them about her is like deceiving them of the truth and not allowing them to really get to know the real me. Being a birthmom is what has made me who I am, and on top of being a single mom is one of the biggest driving forces in my life to succeed. It's just about getting the guts to say out loud to people whom I respect that I made mistakes in my past and have to live with those choices everyday of my life. I hate that I let this get to me as much as I do, but it is weighing on me that I can't be open about myself very many people, which I guess why this blog is so important to me (which is MY issue entirely). I guess only time will tell and when the time is right, it will happen. I can only put my trust in God, once again, that things will be ok and they will still accept me the way they do now. Regardless of what happens, though, I am thankful to know that J is by my side, and even knowing my "deepest, darkest secrets", we are happy and in love.