It's Coming

((WARNING: I'm not sure how much sense this post might make as I try to type between sobs and through tears. This was the only available place to get out all the feelings I have inside of me at this hour))

September 9th

It's about a month and a half away. No, I don't need a calendar to remind me, nor do I need an alert on my phone or a sticky on my computer at work. I need a hug.

In a month and a half, my baby girl will be 6 years old. It will be 6 years since my life changed forever. 6 years since I gave birth to the piece of my heart I will never fully get back. It will be 6 years since that tiny little hand held onto my finger as I hoped and prayed to remember that day forever. Here I am, 6 years since, and I struggle to remember her as a newborn.

While I have her birthday written on my calendar, my heart needs no reminder of what is coming up in the near future. I feel it. I don't want to, but I do, and I carry the pain of missing her everywhere I go with me. I thought that surely this year would be different since I am in a better place in my life. I thought that this could possibly be the year that I would get through the painful parts and be just fine when it came to celebrating her birth and the life she would have not had had it not been for me. I thought that since I am happy, and growing into a successful woman, mother, and possibly future wife, that I would embrace her birthday with grace and only maybe a little bit of tears.

Well, I guess my heart has different plans than my thoughts as I sit here with tears in my eyes after having a ridiculous "Good Night" talk with J. After a long day of work, all he wants is a little talk about the day and what we did or saw. I was distant and withdrawn for most of our conversation and said something I shouldn't have. He didn't deserve the inappropriate comment I made, and although I recognize that it was probably a bad idea to say what I said, I didn't stop myself. The ugly side of me is starting to come out. The side where I self-sabotage and push everyone away as I shrink into a ball and feel sad as the anniversary of her "loss" approaches.

I'm sure a lot of people don't realize how much of a loss placing a child for adoption is. Actually, I don't know what it is people think of anyone who has placed a child for adoption. I find it to be so much more difficult than an actual loss of a loved one to death, as with adoption, you know that there is a piece of your actual flesh and blood walking around out there in the world. I know that there are very few people who could understand the pain in my heart and how much I miss this little person who is well and alive, but who I cannot touch, or hug, or kiss. There are even fewer people who know what it's like to hang out near the mailbox to wait for the pictures and letters she was promised four times a year only to be disappointed when it has always come up empty.

I have too much going on in my life to let all of this affect me as it has, but the more I try to fight it, the more it affects me in my subconscious. I dream about beautiful baby girls, crying in a distance, who I cannot manage a way to help.  I see little girls everywhere I go and fight the urge to cry as I wonder what my Hope is like. I have nightmares of not being able to have more babies and of her not ever wanting to meet me. I deal with all the real feelings and emotions that those Teen Mom shows forget to show you.

It's going to be a real struggle to emotionally get through this next month and a half. I know I have a good boyfriend by my side, so it will be even harder to try not to let my grief and emotions get in the way and self-sabotage what I have worked so hard for the past 7 1/2 months in my relationship. I know it's up to me to communicate things like this instead of the bad thoughts, but its hard for me to come out and say that I'm F'd up in the head because I miss my daughter. He's always saying how strong I am, and I hate appearing weak and fragile. It's not something I strive to be.

I will probably write a ton of blogs between now and Hope's birthday. It seems to be the only way I can get out all the feelings and emotions I have and probably the safest alternative to taking it out on J. I really hope and pray that we will make it through this, stronger than ever. I hope that he can learn more about me by going through this with me and that he doesn't decide to leave my side because I am a mess. I pray for myself to learn to deal with the emotions I feel in a much more positive way than I have done in the past. I have come too far along to lose it all again because I miss my baby. I promised that child I would be someone she could be proud of, and that's who I strive to be. I just have to prepare myself, because the floods of tears are coming....