This past Saturday, J's friends, R & H, hosted a game night at their house. There was a total of four couples there and we really had a blast. R is one of J's best friends, their friendship goes all the way back to when they were kids. R & H have a little girl and are expecting another in November. It was really nice to hang out with them and the other four friends that showed up. It was a nice escape from the usual meet at a bar and drink till you're broke .
J ended up having quite a bit to drink that night and before I knew it, his feelings about a lot of things we really hadn't talked about surfaced. J told R that he is scared to get too close to C because he is afraid that C's dad will one day come back into the picture and C will dismiss J for him. J ended up spilling out a lot that I was unprepared for regarding his fears about building a relationship for C. It really made me feel things I hadn't felt before, including fear and worry.
Before me, J had never dated a girl who was a mother, let alone one who was also a birthmother. Throughout the course of our relationship, he has had to learn to deal with new experiences related to both parts of me. He has come to soccer games and his First Communion, he has played with him in the front yard and gone to the movies with us. He has also been there to hold me as I cried over the daughter I don't physically have with me but who lives everyday in my heart. He is the only person I want next to my side for the rest of my life, yet I feel like I have been selfish because I brought him into a life he wasn't prepared for.
C loves J to death. Granted, I haven't brought too many guys around him, but I have never seen him act the way he does with J with anyone else. He dotes on "group hugs" and he even comes and gives J random kisses on the cheek when he is watching football. He is an amazingly sweet boy who has so much love to give, like his mama. He is happy that I am happy, and has once said to me that he hopes that J one day becomes his dad.
I worry that the idea of one day becoming C's stepfather is a little overwhelming for J. Actually, I KNOW it's overwhelming. I understand his fear of not knowing the boundaries he can set in that role because C is technically not "his". I understand his fears of being too strong with him and C possibly "hating" him when he gets older, or of being put in situations he doesn't know how to handle. I don't want to push the idea of being my son's father on him, because that's not what I am in this relationship for. My son has a "dad", whether he is in the picture or not. All he needs and wants in his life is a male role model to set the right examples and teach him things that his mother can't. Granted, he has my dad to teach him things I can't, but I know he looks up to J because he is younger, and he knows that he is who I want to be at my side through thick and thin...
When I think about the future, my future, OUR future, I can't help but wonder what our family protrait would look like. How should it look like? I came into this relationship with a 7 year old child who I have parented mostly alone since day 1, and one who was placed for adoption 6 years ago. There is a possibility that I may one day have to fight the "sperm donor" who helped me to create my son, but I highly doubt it. There is also the possibility that one day, possibly in 10-12 years if not maybe sooner, there could be a knock on my door from a beautiful girl who I gave birth to. I would be scared to be J, hell, I am scared to be myself. These are things I never in my wildest dreams ever imagined having to worry about when I was younger, but they are definitely my reality.
I hope and pray that things fall into place like they should. I know deep in my heart that J really does love me and that when he says he is in for the long haul, he really means it. What will become of the relationship between he and my son, I could only hope it improves and that one day he loves that child as if he were his own. I know that when and if we have children of our own, J will be an amazing father, just as he is an amazing boyfriend, son, friend, and brother. I have no doubt in my mind that he will be the greatest role model to my son, and to our future sons (and/or daughters), and while I am worried about how different he will treat OUR children made together as opposed to MY child that I came into this with, I don't think it will be an issue, as my son will grow to love and respect J as much as if they were related.... I could only hope...
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