Merry Christmas, Little One

Dear My Beautiful Daughter,
Today is Christmas. It is the sixth Christmas I've had to celebrate without you in my arms. The sixth year of wondering what Santa left for you under the tree and if you wake up early, excited for his arrival the night before. This is the sixth year of wondering what the look of delight in your face is like when you wake up and discover the gifts under the tree in the morning, or do you open your gifts in Christmas Eve? You would think that six years would make this easier for me, but it isn't.

There's not a day that goes by where I don't think about you. I wonder what you're doing or where you're going or how you are celebrating your holidays. There isn't a day that I don't wonder what life would've been like had I kept you here with me and your brother, where I wonder if you would be as happy as you are now.

I bought you a gift this year. It's a beautiful Pocahontas doll. I know I never bought you anything before, but I just never knew what to get you. I cried when I stood in line to purchase your gift. It was a step made in overcoming my issues... Or so I thought. I'm sorry, but the gift is still in the trunk of J's car, where it has been since I purchased it. I have been struggling with myself to send it, and am still battling my thoughts and feelings because I'm afraid you may not like it. I'm afraid you will wonder why now, and not the past six years. I am afraid of a lot of things.

This is the hardest Christmas ever. I've never been this way and I am struggling in so many ways. I am upset. I am hurt. I am broken on the inside. It's no ones fault but my own that you aren't here. For the first time ever, I regret my choice. The selfish part of me wishes I had kept you here with me so that I could celebrate days like this with you. But like I said, its selfish of me to think that way.

I keep checking my email to see if your parents will send me an email or a picture of you for Christmas. I keep hoping that somehow, someway, things would be different and maybe they would think of me for once this year, but maybe it was too much to pray for.

I miss you, little angel. Like a lot. I wish you were here to celebrate this day, to fill the hole in my heart that was created the day I said goodbye to you. I hope you have a Merry Christmas. I love you forever and for always.

Love,
With every ounce of my heart,
Your Birthmom