Stop Playing the Victim

WARNING: This blog post might possibly be offensive to some, but I had to vent, so I am apologizing in advance.

I am a mom. I am a girlfriend. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a friend. I am a birthmother.

What the heck does being a birthmother mean? It means I have made one of the ultimate sacrifices to provide my blood with a life I wouldn't have been able to provide had I parented two children. It means I have to miss her on holidays and her birthdays, feeling a pain I never felt before. It means I have to wonder who she is, what she's like, where she's at, and how she is doing. It means I have to miss out on firsts, such as her first step, her first words, her first day of school, her first loose tooth, her first everything. It doesn't mean that I can go around with this woe is me attitude for a decision I MADE ON MY OWN.

Adoption is a hard and difficult choice. Do I regret it? Heck no. NEVER! Would I do it again? Umm, I'd like to think I wouldn't be stuck in the same position I was in 7 years ago when I found out I was pregnant. Would I change things about my adoption? I don't think so. Am I happy about the choice I made? I don't think happy is the word to describe how I feel about giving my opportunity to live a life I wouldn't have otherwise been able to provide, for her and for my son.

Hope, as well as C, have things that they probably would have been able to go without had I chosen to parent both. It was what was best for them, although I know it will be a difficult road ahead as they get older and have more questions and probably some resentments due to my choices. Am I prepared for that? Probably not, but how can one really prepare for the questions kids ask? I guess we will take it all as it comes in the future.

So why the blog post?

A few weeks ago, I had written about a support group I had joined on good ol' Facebook. At first, this support group was amazing. I read so many different stories about how so many women got to be birthmothers as well. All the women in that group had a different story leading to the same ending: pain, sadness, and the bittersweet thought of knowing that we were making the choice to give our babies a better life. We all deal with the pain and emotion that comes with grieving the loss of our babies that we technically didn't really "lose". We deal with the sadness of not being able to celebrate important milestones with "our children". It was almost like we were sisters, brought together by such a sad, almost unspoken, tragedy in our lives.

As time went on, however, I realized that I am very different from most other birthmothers. A lot of the girls on there seemed to be playing the part of the victim. Time and time again, I would read stories badmouthing adoptive parents. Stories of how terrible the a-parents were to these birthmothers, one set of parents having a case against the bmom for harassment. I read stories about these women who continue to cry over, and over, and over about their choice of adoption, and it almost disgusted me. The place for support was just somewhere to rant and rave about all the negative crap. Why not be happy about the good things.

I decided I no longer wanted to be a part of this group. I am in such a good place in my life, I didn't want to get sucked up in such a negative, angry energy. But for some reason, just like staring at a bad car accident, I continue to check back with the group from time to time to see all the train wreck headcases that continue to post. I am in awe by how terrible these "women" make being a birthmom look.

I get it, we all have made mistakes in our lives. In the case of a birthmother, giving birth is proof of such mistakes - lack of protection and better judgement, to say the least. Granted, there are some who didn't have a choice, who have been raped or assaulted, and to those women I give the ULTIMATE RESPECT to. But to the other women, being a birthmother doesn't necessarily earn you an award for runner up to sainthood like Mother Theresa. No one owes you anything for placing your baby, and I'm sorry, but you don't get my sympathy vote when you let it happen over and over again.

Let me take a step back to paint a picture as to what I mean. I was a single mother before I became a birthmother. I made the choice I NEEDED to make to fix my mistakes. Yes, as much as I love my children, it was a MISTAKE to get pregnant at that point in my life - BOTH TIMES. After having to go through the pain of placing Hope, there was no way in hell I would put myself through such an emotional roller coaster again. I have done all I can to ensure that I stay protected and don't have another "accident" as I did before. Granted, I am in a WAY better place in my life than where I was 6 years ago, but there's no way I am going to get pregnant until I am really ready. I wish I could say the same for some of the other birthmoms I have come across. Abortions, second sometimes third adoptions - when is enough, enough? When will women learn their lesson and stay protected? Is it that hard to purchase condoms or birth control in a country such as ours that offers birth control at Planned Parenthood for free to low cost? Adoption is AMAZING, but so is safe and protected sex.

So many people are talking about National Adoption Awareness Month, which is completely amazing that it is nationally recognized (although it seems more to be for the other two parts of the triad than the birthmother part). It is so great for there to be more awareness and education about adoption, BUT when will there be a National Safe Sex Awareness Month? When will people learn that while sex is so much fun, it isn't that much fun if you're not prepared and protected for it? When will they learn that adoption and abortion aren't forms of birth control? Why are people so afraid to talk about these things, especially in the birthmother world?!

I guess it's time to get off my soapbox, and honestly, I really am sorry if I've offended anyone by this post. I just really needed to explain how I feel. I don't portray myself as a victim. I made the choices I made to get me to where I am today. I feel like I deserve the pain and heartache I feel on her birthdays and near Mother's Day. It's a reminder of a situation I don't ever want to be in and deal with again, and it keeps me focused on making the proper choices so that it doesn't happen. I just wish other women would follow suit and keep from making the same mistakes over and over again....