Yesterday was C's birthday party. It was a lot of work and it sucked the life out of me, but I made it through and my little guy had a great time, his friends came, he got some great gifts and everyone enjoyed themselves. My parents and J's parents finally met and they got along really well, probably better than I could imagine. I should be happy, right? Yeah, not so much. The moment the party was over, I just felt really sad. I felt like I stepped into a deep hole and I am trapped. I have felt overwhelmed, emotional, sad and even lonely. I can't even explain what it is that made me feel this way especially after a day that was supposed to be happy.
Granted it was a birthday party for my son, it really hurt me that my "friends" that I invited didn't come. They didn't even call. I am grateful that one of my friends showed, as did one of J's friend and his girlfriend who also become a good friend, but no one else did, not even his "godmother". I am really disappointed and have come to the conclusion that I don't really have friends, and if I do, I don't really know who they are. I have no one I could count on and really, honestly, my heart breaks because I feel alone. I can't always depend on J to be there by my side forever.
I have been overly paranoid and sensitive lately, more than my usual emotional mess. I have been clingy and have needed reassurance just to get through my days. I am even sick and tired of myself, but I can't snap out of it. I almost feel like giving up, and I really don't want to go back to that dark part of my life. I am fighting and willing to do anything I can so I don't fall into the hole that was depression. I have too many good things going in my life for me to go through all of that again.
I hate that this has carried into every aspect of my life. I practically cry when J leaves. I feel so empty when he isn't around, and yet lately, when we've been together, we haven't had very much quality time. I am having a really hard time with the fact that his female partner at work is carpooling with him. I HATE it, to be honest, that another woman is spending more time with my man during the week than I do on the weekends. I HATE that I don't know her, and while I don't want to know her, I should. I am so angry and upset and it's not even his fault. I think I'm more upset because I want him to hold me and hug me and let me cry in his arms and never let me go, but that's not reality... yet, I forgot what is.
I don't understand what did me in like this. I was fine just a few weeks ago, and yet here I am talking about giving up and having all this pain and sadness and not even knowing where its coming from. Ok, well maybe I do, and I wish there was something that could make it go away...
A few posts ago, I think I wrote about R & H. J has known R since second grade and he is one of his best friends. His wife, H, has been pregnant and due in a few weeks. Two weeks ago, she had some problems and went to the hospital where they performed an emergency C-section to deliver the baby. The baby was born with some complications, as well as had some swelling in her brain. R kept J updated through text with news about the procedure the baby had to undergo. She was a little fighter, or so it seemed. Unfortunately, she was faced with too tough of a battle and left this earth to become a little angel in Heaven on Friday. We found out Saturday and things just haven't been the same with me ever since.
I can't stop crying or thinking about her. I can't stop thinking about the pain and sorrow that R & H are dealing with right now. They have constantly been on my mind, and honestly, while I was celebrating my own wonderful, healthy child, I couldn't help but feel sad for them. I think that this has affected me more than it needs to because it was a reminder of my own loss. Granted, Hope hasn't passed away, and she is still a smiling, beautiful healthy child, but she's not my child. I felt like learning about the baby's passing brought on so many feelings of guilt and resentment, feelings I haven't had in a long time.
I can't stop thinking about how much pain both R & H must be in, but I feel the most about H. She carried that baby inside of her for 8 months. She felt her move and kick and grow. She rubbed her tummy like a proud mommy to be and talked about this baby with excitement as she showed off her brand new stroller that would be great for walks with the newborn and their one and a half year old daughter. She gave birth to this baby and has the scar to prove it, but nothing more. Just like me, she went home from the hospital empty handed, but unlike me, she has a bassinet and a freshly painted baby room with no baby to put in it. Life is so unfair and so messed up.
I've been questioning God a lot, lately. I have been so incredibly angry and upset with him. Why did this have to happen to such amazing people? Why couldn't this have happened to me six years ago instead? I was the one who got pregnant with a baby she couldn't possibly take care of. I was the one who hid my pregnancy for 9 months. I was the one who didn't go to the doctor and get prenatal care. I was the one who woke up every morning, mad at God for giving me another day of life. I was the one who contemplated ways to die or at least ways to make the thing growing inside of me go away. I was the one who gave birth to a beautiful and perfectly healthy baby girl who has just celebrated being on this earth for 6 years. Why me? I couldn't even take care of this child, and granted, I gave her the gift of life and the opportunity to live a long and happy life that I otherwise wouldn't have been able to provide for her, why was she born healthy, and not R & H's baby.
I can't even put into words how deeply this has affected me. I am sitting here at work choking back tears because this all makes me feel like a terrible person, an awful mother. I didn't want my baby and she was born perfect. This wonderful, happily married couple wanted their baby and she has lost her life. This has cut open old wounds and opened up new ones as I find myself so incredibly sad and hopeless about the situation. I also feel like how can I sit here and cry about how much I miss my baby when there's hope I may someday hold her, yet here is this woman who will never be able to hold her child in her arms until she meets her in heaven.
I feel like I can't breathe. There's a heavy weight on my chest and an overwhelming sense of sorrow within me. I decided I need to go back to counseling. For the sake of my sanity and my relationship, it needs to be done. I have way too many issues to deal with and the last think I want to do is regress to the old me, especially when I have worked so hard to be the new me. I want to be happy again and I want to be able to genuinely smile again. I don't want to feel so sad and so angry and so whatever it is I am feeling. I need to change, and if I don't make that change soon, I'm only headed on a downward spiral. There's no way I could go through that again, not now, not ever.
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