The Future

It is almost amazing to see how much life has changed during the past 10 months since J and I first started dating. We used to go out to bars and clubs with friends at the beginning, and wearing short dresses and heels was a common occurence for me on the weekends. Throughout the last few months, I have found myself trading in my heels and dresses on the weekends for a pair of Chucks and jeans. It's been a definite change, but I am definitely not complaining.

This past Saturday, J's friends, R & H, hosted a game night at their house. There was a total of four couples there and we really had a blast. R is one of J's best friends, their friendship goes all the way back to when they were kids. R & H have a little girl and are expecting another in November. It was really nice to hang out with them and the other four friends that showed up. It was a nice escape from the usual meet at a bar and drink till you're broke .

J ended up having quite a bit to drink that night and before I knew it, his feelings about a lot of things we really hadn't talked about surfaced. J told R that he is scared to get too close to C because he is afraid that C's dad will one day come back into the picture and C will dismiss J for him. J ended up spilling out a lot that I was unprepared for regarding his fears about building a relationship for C. It really made me feel things I hadn't felt before, including fear and worry.

Before me, J had never dated a girl who was a mother, let alone one who was also a birthmother. Throughout the course of our relationship, he has had to learn to deal with new experiences related to both parts of me. He has come to soccer games and his First Communion, he has played with him in the front yard and gone to the movies with us. He has also been there to hold me as I cried over the daughter I don't physically have with me but who lives everyday in my heart. He is the only person I want next to my side for the rest of my life, yet I feel like I have been selfish because I brought him into a life he wasn't prepared for.

C loves J to death. Granted, I haven't brought too many guys around him, but I have never seen him act the way he does with J with anyone else. He dotes on "group hugs" and he even comes and gives J random kisses on the cheek when he is watching football. He is an amazingly sweet boy who has so much love to give, like his mama. He is happy that I am happy, and has once said to me that he hopes that J one day becomes his dad.

I worry that the idea of one day becoming C's stepfather is a little overwhelming for J. Actually, I KNOW it's overwhelming. I understand his fear of not knowing the boundaries he can set in that role because C is technically not "his". I understand his fears of being too strong with him and C possibly "hating" him when he gets older, or of being put in situations he doesn't know how to handle. I don't want to push the idea of being my son's father on him, because that's not what I am in this relationship for. My son has a "dad", whether he is in the picture or not. All he needs and wants in his life is a male role model to set the right examples and teach him things that his mother can't. Granted, he has my dad to teach him things I can't, but I know he looks up to J because he is younger, and he knows that he is who I want to be at my side through thick and thin...

When I think about the future, my future, OUR future, I can't help but wonder what our family protrait would look like. How should it look like? I came into this relationship with a 7 year old child who I have parented mostly alone since day 1, and one who was placed for adoption 6 years ago. There is a possibility that I may one day have to fight the "sperm donor" who helped me to create my son, but I highly doubt it. There is also the possibility that one day, possibly in 10-12 years if not maybe sooner, there could be a knock on my door from a beautiful girl who I gave birth to. I would be scared to be J, hell, I am scared to be myself. These are things I never in my wildest dreams ever imagined having to worry about when I was younger, but they are definitely my reality.

I hope and pray that things fall into place like they should. I know deep in my heart that J really does love me and that when he says he is in for the long haul, he really means it. What will become of the relationship between he and my son, I could only hope it improves and that one day he loves that child as if he were his own. I know that when and if we have children of our own, J will be an amazing father, just as he is an amazing boyfriend, son, friend, and brother. I have no doubt in my mind that he will be the greatest role model to my son, and to our future sons (and/or daughters), and while I am worried about how different he will treat OUR children made together as opposed to MY child that I came into this with, I don't think it will be an issue, as my son will grow to love and respect J as much as if they were related.... I could only hope...

Overwhelmed

I can't believe that it has been nearly a month since my last post. I guess that goes to show how crazy my life has been as of lately. I feel like there haven't been enough hours in the day to accomplish all that I want to do or need to get done. I feel drained and tired, both physically and emotionally, but I do my best to wake up every morning and get out of bed with a smile on my face, because some people aren't so lucky.

The change of office locations is probably one of the most overwhelming things to get through this past month. I have been at SAFS for 5 years and I feel like I am back to basics, learning programs and paperwork that I didn't have to deal with before. I have had to deal with an office environment that is completely foreign to me, attitudes from other staff members and even clients, a completely different client demographic than what I was dealing with before, and the stress of running two offices on the pay of what I was making working at one. It's pure craziness and I just wish I could take a break from it all.

The one good thing about the move was that it helped distract me enough to get through Hope's birthday. I wasn't the extremely emotional wreck that I am every year because I basically didn't have the time to be. Granted, the moment I was alone and in a quiet place, I was a mess, but that was usually not the case as I was sometimes even too tired to cry.

This year was the best birthday anniversary ever. J was so amazingly supportive. No matter how much I pushed and pushed him away, he made sure to be by my side. The night before her birthday, I took the train over to his house, as I usually do on Thursday nights. He surprised me with cupcakes from my favorite spot and we watched opening night of football season at his house with pizza and wings. I probably cried on my way home, but it was still a good time. The next morning, on her birthday, he picked me up early with a dozen beautiful roses and we went to breakfast on the marina in Long Beach. I was afraid I was going to be a huge mess, but I cried only the first half of the day when I looked at her photo album and was able to get through the rest of the day with very minimal tears.

Because Hope shares her birthday with J's dad (who, btw, still doesn't know about the adoption), I was invited to celebrate his birthday with the family at dinner that night. I was nervous that I was going to be a train wreck of emotions, but luckily, I survived the night (even though I got teary eyed when the table next to ours was celebrating the birthday of a little girl who was around the same age as Hope). I was fairly proud of myself for not being the cry baby I usually am, and I was so extremely thankful to have such a wonderful boyfriend who provided me with so much support, even if he had no idea what I was going through.

I realized something huge this year. I realized that while I may not get to see or talk to a lot of my friends on a consistent basis, I have some pretty amazing people in my life. The phone calls, text messages and facebook messages that poured in this year on her birthday were so wonderful. J's cousin, A, even sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers. It almost felt like it was my own birthday. That's when it hit me that this day is more important than my own birthday. The people who remembered me on this important day were the ones I know I could count on no matter what. I am extremely grateful for them.

With the weight of moving offices, working late nights, sometimes until 8:30pm, and the heaviness that Hope's impending birthday weighed on my heart (and my relationship), I didn't do as well as I would've liked to do in my first class at Capella. In fact, I didn't do well at all, and I am very angry at myself for that. I am currently in the process of appeals with the board at the school so that I could retake this class and am hoping to get it approved before the next class starts in October. Crossing my fingers and hoping this could work out, because if not, then I am going to be super depressed that I have wasted even more time.

Besides work at SAFS, school, Hope's birthday, getting C situated with the 3rd grade and everything else, I started my new job. Ok, well technically not "started", but I HAVE attended two trainings and have a third this Saturday. As excited about this opportunity that has landed in my lap to try to make a difference in the lives of women who have found themselves in unplanned pregnancies by offering them the resources to gain more knowledge of their options, I am also scared. I am scared that I will fail at this job, or that it will trigger feelings in me that I may not have dealt with (although, at this point, I feel like I have dealt with mostly anything and everything imaginable). I am worried that, through my theory of not having enough hours in the day, I won't be able to have time for fun on my already limited weekends. But we shall see what happens, you never know till you try.

On top of all of that, money has been a major issue for me lately. I never seem to have enough of it. C went to the dentist last week and we found out he has 4 cavities. 4 cavities + 2 sealers = over $1100. Where the heck am I going to get that money from? I have NO IDEA. Especially when my own teeth hurt and I can't afford a dentist for myself. I feel like I work work work work work and have nothing to show for it. It's pretty upsetting and is one of the things that depresses me the most about my life right now. Being broke sucks. I feel that at this rate, moving out and having a life of my own, separate from my family will never happen.

The one thing, besides my wonderful relationship with J and my little guy C, that has kept me going lately has been going to the gym. I recently started up last week and am on a mission to get my butt in shape. I am starting to feel better from Car Accident #2 last month and am tired of not being able to do much and gaining weight. Weird enough, though, that I hadn't been to the gym in awhile and have slowly been losing weight. Last weekend, I was able to fit into jeans I hadn't been able to wear in years. It felt good, and J noticed, which is the bigger payoff. I am currently looking into getting a personal trainer, and am considering a small women's gym nearby this new office that offers semi-personal training at a fraction of the cost of a private trainer. We shall see what happens, but I think that I could afford to make the sacrifice if it means looking good and being healthy, plus working out seems to be the best stress release for me so far.

Also, some more good news is that V&L sent me an email last week with pictures of a beautiful little lady. I was so overwhelmed and haven't really been able to stop looking at them. It's almost quite amazing how much she looks like C. Their original email that came with the pictures was cut off and I emailed them letting them know that. They re-emailed me this weekend, and I practically cried my eyes out knowing that I made the best sacrifice I possibly could have made:

Hi M,

Sorry for the delay.  Thanks for your patience.  We're glad you got the pictures.  Below is the text from the letter that was included in the Kodak e-mail.  We now know to send it separate.  Take care.

----------------------Kodak Letter---------------------------
Hi M,
Hope began first grade on the week of her birthday. She is excited to be back in school even though she had a very busy summer. Most of her time was spent between YMCA and Girl Scout camp. We wound up the summer by taking a cruise to Alaska, which she considered to be a great adventure. Karate has taken a back seat for now, but she is still enrolled in dance and gymnastics classes. We have offered her other activity and sports classes, but she has a full plate right now.
We remain grateful to you for helping bring the joy of Hope into our lives. We are fine with occasional e-mails from you and /or gifts for her. She is bright and understands the concept of adoption, but her mind is still very young. Everything that we teach her is done in a very caring and loving way. We are conscientious parents and we want you to know that. She is energetic and full of life. We love her that way.

We wish you continued success with school, and your career. Please keep us posted on important events in your life and C's. Expect another small batch of pictures in the next coming months. Above all, please take care.
Sincerely,
V and L

It was a sweet email, and unexpected, since I didn't think they would write back, but I couldn't help but feel as though it was a little cold. I almost feel like they want to keep their distance from me. I understand that they may be afraid that I want to be a better birthmom and don't know what that entails, but I made it clear to them that I don't intend to overstep my boundaries and just want to have a better relationship with them. As much as I wish the relationship between us could change, I think that there is a fat chance of that happening and I just have to learn how to be ok with that. I guess that just comes with the territory of being a bmom in a semi-open adoption. I am just thankful that they emailed me back and that she seems to have such a wonderful and amazing life that I wouldn't have been able to provide her with on my own.

So many things going on at one time, it's kind of crazy.... October doesn't seem to look like the busy-ness is going to let up, either. At a glance, my weekends seem to be piling up with more and more to do. I am anticipating C's birthday at the end of the month, and J's birthday at the beginning of November. That, combined with Halloween, a couple of baby showers, two jobs and hoping I can start school again are already making my head spin... But I guess that is better than not doing anything with my life or being able to get out of bed in the morning with a smile on my face... :)

Anger and Grieving

"Why the f*** are you crying for? You're a day early. Save your useless tears for tomorrow"

~E (my "sister")

Yup, that was an actual quote from someone who is supposed to be my "family", on the day before my beautiful Hope is supposed to turn 6. I am currently sitting here, bawling my eyes out, so appalled by the audacity this excuse of a human being has for being so completely unable to comprehend what true human emotion is like. I am so upset and so hurt that this is who I am related to. I can't believe she had the nerve to make a comment like that, as she is so unaware of what a day in my shoes is like.

I HATE that my "family" can't understand that I am hurting, more than they even know. I HATE that they are so cold, and hurtful, and ugly on the inside. It's not just my sibling who is this ugly, it's my father, who has been acting like a jerk to me all week. I understand they may be "hurt" by my decision to place Hope for adoption 6 years ago, but they don't have the slightest inclination of what I am going through.

The past few weeks have been rough. I have been moving offices, going through the major change and work of "starting fresh" at a new office. I have worked late nearly everyday for the past 3 weeks. I have poured all my energy, sweat and hard work into my job, but at the end of the day, when all is said and done, the moment I have some alone time, I cry. It's the little calendar inside of me, slowly ticking and tocking as it gets closer to her birthday. I have started to hate the moment my days would end at work, or when dates would end with J, or when I found myself not doing anything. I had somewhat of an anxiety/panic attack a couple of weekends back, and almost feel one coming on today. I have worked way too damn hard to regress and go back to the piece of crap person I was, all because I'm consumed by so much grief and emotion.

Things with J have sucked. Not due to his part, but mine. I have been a shitty girlfriend. I am going through so much, and expect him to understand how I feel, but I almost forget to realize that he doesn't completely understand. He doesn't understand why his girlfriend of 9 months has been pushing him away nearly every chance she gets. He doesn't get why she just cries like a big fat baby, or why she's not "normal" and has no clue when or if she will ever be. He doesn't understand how much it hurts to "lose" a baby, not knowing if and when I will see her beautiful little face again. He doesn't get why it's such a big deal that I celebrate her birthday or am thinking about missing his dad's birthday dinner (his bday is the same day). He doesn't understand why I am adamant about checking my email so much, waiting to hear back from V&L, since I finally had the courage to send them an email last week. He doesn't get it, and I honestly can't expect him too, as much as I wish he could. He's a guy, who has never been through this (thank God), and although he is the best boyfriend in the world I could possibly have been given, he probably won't ever understand this - and that's ok. Really, it is. After all, he DID bring me cupcakes today to cheer me up and he held me for a LONG time while I cried in his arms. So while he doesn't always have the right words to say, I know I am super blessed to have such a supportive man by my side.

Speaking of the email I sent to V&L last week, I am struggling with the fact that I have yet to hear back from them. Granted, it's only been a week, and a holiday weekend has passed in between this time, I did ask if it was ok with them if I sent her a birthday gift, and her birthday is tomorrow. Obviously not enough time to get it to her before she turns 6. I was super careful with my wording, making sure not to overstep my boundaries:

Hello L & V,

I hope you don't mind me emailing you. I spoke with J at HFS and she said I should send you an email rather than try to go through her. If this is a problem, please let me know and I could stop and go through the agency if that's what you prefer. My main goal is to not overstep my boundaries with you both, so if at any time you feel uncomfortable with me contacting you, I can stop. I just feel that as I get older, I find myself wanting a better relationship with you so that when Hope finds out about me, she knows how much I love her and think about her.

I hope all is well with you and Hope. There is not a day that goes by where I don't think about her. I almost can't believe that her 6th birthday is coming up. It seems like just yesterday, I was meeting you both for the first time and we were anticipating the arrival of such a beautiful little lady. Time has flown by so fast. I could only imagine what she must be like. Is she in first grade now? Is she still doing karate and gymnastics? What is she into? Did you travel over the summer? I'd like to know as much as you could possibly tell me about her as I want to be able to paint a picture of the person who she has become.

As for me, life is great. I am working on my Bachelors degree at an online university, still working at a non-profit (5 years now), and in a wonderful, healthy relationship that may possibly lead to marriage :) C is doing amazingly well, having just started third grade and playing soccer. It's amazing how much he has fallen completely in love with the sport (I'm sure in part to his Brazilian and Mexican roots), but now every Saturday is spent at the park! We are doing well and are thriving, thankful for health, my job, and happiness.

I was wondering if it would be possible to ask for pictures from you of Hope. It's been a few months and I am dying to see more of her. I would love some birthday pictures if you have the opportunity to send me some. Also, I was wondering if it would be ok with you if I sent her a gift for her birthday.

Thank you for being the best parents to Hope that she could have possibly been blessed with. I am just as lucky as she is that she has the two of you to raise her to be the beautiful girl she is growing up to be and to give her the life I most certainly couldn't.Thank you for everything. I hope to hear from you soon.



I almost feel like I can't breath right now. I am slowly suffocating. The pain of waiting to hear back from them, as well as of having to deal with so many changes at work and with my family issues is completely overwhelming right now. I am so anxious and feeling so alone, even though I have joined an amazing support group for bm's on facebook. I feel like nothing I can do or than anyone can say will ease this pain, and just as in years past, the sadness will eventually go away and soon enough I will be back to my normal self.

As for my family, I just have to remember that there is nothing I can do to make them understand me or what I feel, as they will always have their own opinions and judgements about me. It's up to me to allow them to make me feel the way that I do, and I'm not going to let them. I made the best decision I could make for both of my children 6 years ago, and it's the same decision I would make had I been faced with that situation today. I have to live with that choice, and as long as I can sleep right at night knowing that I did what needed to be done and not regret it, then they could talk all the trash they want. Granted it hurts like hell, I know where they stand in my life, and have come to the conclusion that I don't want them in my future - AT ALL.

I have so much more to write and to say, but I guess it can wait till tomorrow when my head is clear and my mind and heart aren't so numb. Wish me luck, as it's looking like a long day ahead and lots more tears. I'm hoping to celebrate her life and the 6 years she has been on this earth tomorrow morning with J by my side, and am hoping to not have to come home to deal with this madness. I can't do it. Not tomorrow, and I wish not ever.

Happy early birthday, sweetheart. Mama loves you... forever and always <3





All The Things I Love About You

Getting into my car accident last week snapped me back into the reality that life is too short. It made me appreciate the amazingly wonderful things in my life, most of all, my amazingly wonderful boyfriend. He did a great job at trying to take care of me and really be there for me when I was hurting from the pain from the accident.
A couple of Thursdays ago, after spending my evening with J after work, I suggested we play a game. Each day for the next week or so, we would text each other 10 things we love about the other person. I didn't think he would go for the idea, but he totally agreed with it, and we have been doing it ever since. Here is a compilation of the things we love about the other:

Thursday, August 18, 2011
10 Things J Loves About Me:

1. I love the way you make me smile after a long day
2. I love the way you make me feel like I'm the most important person in the world
3. I love how you get my jokes even if they're not funny (which is never)
4. I love how understanding you are
5. I love your smile. That can put a smile on my face.
6. I love how cute you look when you are biting your nails when focusing on something (even though I hate when you bite your nails)
7. I love you how can adapt to any situation and make the most of it
8. I love how you leave my car smelling when you wear my favorite perfume
9. I love how you worry for the both of us.. sometimes too much
10. I love your smarty pants mouth... well, some times more than others lol

10 Things I love About J:

1. I love the way you can make me smile, with the random I love you's and texts you send me throughout the day
2. I love the way you can make me laugh when I'm getting teary eyed on the way home
3. I love the way you and I make such an amazing team, always backing one another up, each person's strengths making up for the weaknesses of the other
4. I love how we can talk crap together about people and things and how you don't get offended
5. I love how you bring out a genuine happiness out of me that I have never experienced in my life
6. I love how you listen to me when it comes to my family issues, but don't hold it against them when you come around, still being able to show respect despite how they treat me
7. I love the way you are always open to new adventures and are always down to try new things
8. I love how the moment I am in your arms, all my worries and fears go away, at least for the time being. I feel comfy enough to never want to leave the safety you bring me
9. I love that you love me, regardless of what I bring with me: a kid or two and a lot of crap that I have been through, I know it's hard sometimes, but you do an amazing job at accepting me for all that I am.
10. I love that I trust you. I trust you with my heart and soul, with my son, with my life. I trust that you won't hurt either of us and that you are good on your words. I trust you to not think twice over what you tell me and give you the power where I believe that all you tell me is the truth.

Friday, August 19, 2011
10 Things J Loves About Me:

1. I love how you open my eyes and have me experience new things
2. I love the way you rub my belly because you always know when it's upset
3. I love how you try to cheer me up when I'm blah
4. I love how you give me the extra push to get through the night at work
5. I love when you sing to me when I am tired and driving home
6. I love when you talk to me like a retard, and I make you repeat stuff. It makes me laugh.
7. I love when you text me that you love me to infinity and beyond
8. I love talking about our future together
9. I love when you tell me you are blessed to have me in your life
10. I love that you have let me into your and your son's lives.

10 Things I Love About J:

1. I love how you are the first person I hear from in the morning as well as the last person I talk to at night before bed.
2. I love how you accept C as a part of me and how you care about him and his well-being
3. I love the way you work hard, day in and day out, to pay bills and accomplish your goals
4. I love the butterflies I get in my tummy before I know I am going to see you. The excitement I get is like when we first started dating, it never seems to get old.
5. I love how I can talk to you about anything any everything and how you always try your best to understand me, even if you don't completely
6. I love the way you push me and motivate me the be the best person I could possibly be. You bring out the best in me and you can handle me when I am at my worst.
7. I love how the randomest things remind me of you.. and they always make me smile
8. I love how you are such a huge part of my life and how I can only imagine the rest of my life with you by my side
9. I wuv that I could act wike a wetard and make you thmile when you are having a bad day at work
10. I love being able to plan our future together and talk about the life we would live and the family we are going to have

Saturday, August 20, 2011
10 Things J Loves About Me:

1. I love the inspirational messages you leave me on Facebook
2. I love that you tell me how much you appreciate and love me everyday
3. I love how you tell me random stories on the way home so I don't fall asleep
4. I love how you try your hardest not to fall asleep when I am working until I call or send a good night text
5. I love how I can leave you alone with my parents and you can hold a conversation with them
6. I love how you accept that your man has stomach issues and you help deal with it accordingly
7. I love after a heavy makeout session, you sigh as if it was the first time we ever kissed
8. I love how most of the time, you make an effort to look beautiful for me
9. I love your soft lips
10. I love that you don't like "Mondays" like me

10 Things I Love About J:

1. I love that you fulfill my cupcake needs, even just by taking me to My Delight
2. I love how you also take me places I have never been to, even if it's just everyday places like Black Angus
3. I love how I feel like I have a good, positive relationship with your family, and having to wait for you while you shower doesn't cause me a nervous breakdown because I can have a conversation with your mom
4. I love and appreciate the help you are giving me in regards to C and his stuff for school. You didn't have to do that at all, yet you did and I am so grateful
5. As much as I complain that we are "boring", I love love love spending time watching movies on the couch with you. Relaxing with you feels so good.
6. I love the way you attempt to take care of me, even if you did almost burn off the top layer of the skin on my back with the frog heating pad.
7. I love the way you make me laugh and giggle like I'm some teenage girl
8. I love how you listen to my stories and pretend to be interested when in all reality, you are just thankful I kept talking so you could stay awake while you drive
9. I love how I can be myself with you, and i don't ever have to worry about you judging me
10. I love that there isn't a day that goes by where I am not most thankful for having you in my life. You are the best thing to happen to me, and when I say my prayers at night, I always thank God for allowing me to have met my soul mate in the 28 years I have been on this earth. Thank you for being the missing piece to my heart. I love you.

Sunday, August 21, 2011
10 Things J Loves About Me:

1.  I love that we think alike when it comes to food
2. I love that a cupcake can put a smile on your face
3. I love that the little things make you happy
4. I love to see you happy and I try my best to make sure you are always happy
5. I love that I can drink a beer with you and enjoy a game without you asking dumb questions
6. I love that you pretend to be a Charger fan, even if it means your skin falling off
7. I love that you appreciate our inside jokes because no one else will
8. I love that we can sit and watch people and laugh at the same thing without even having to talk about it
9. I love that you're a hard worker and even in pain, you still take care of what you need to take care of
10. I love the sacrifices you make for your son. It's amazing to see the drive that you have

10 Things I Love About J:

1. I LOVE the way you calm me down when I'm feeling like the world is over and you don't feed fuel to the fire of whatever craziness is going through my head
2. I LOVE when you randomly bring me flowers, especially when I am so sad and feeling the way I was feeling today
3. I love how sexy you looked in your Charger shirt and hat today
4. I love how you understand my mean girl ways and don't think I'm crazy
5. I love your patience and willingness to try and understand me
6. I love love love how amazingly wonderful it feels when you kiss me. It feels like nothing else in the world matters but me and you
7. I love how my happiness is important to you, and how you do whatever it takes to make sure I'm happy
8. I love how it feels when we hold hands, whether it be walking through the mall, in the car, at the movies, or under the table at a restaurant
9. I love how you walk around with this tough outer shell and inside you're the biggest teddy bear ever
10. I love how when I'm with you, you make me feel like I'm some kind of super model. I feel sexy when I'm with you, even if I'm wearing a Charger shirt.

Monday, August 22, 2011
10 Things J Loves About Me:

1. I love when you tell me something and I get the mental picture and it makes me laugh
2. I love reading your blog... and sometimes I think I would be lost or maybe have given up on this relationship if not for your blog. It explains the emotions and the feelings that you are feeling that I sometimes may not have known
3. I love the fact that I do miss you 
4. I love your random pictures
5. I love you because you're my best friend and you're always there for me
6. I love the fact that saying I love you comes so easy
7. I love that it has taken time, but you're not always trying to be a guy's girl, instead you've become a girly girl, as much as you pretend not to like it
8. I love the thing you do with your lip when you're sad
9. I love that you allow me to open up and be myself
10. I love that you like my nicknames, all one million of them

10 Things I Love About J:

1. I love how you call me in the morning, just to make sure I'm awake
2. I love how my music of choice to listen to when I'm alone is country and I always find a way to apply most of the songs I hear to us and our relationship
3. I love how you check up on me throughout the day to ask how I'm feeling and how work is going
4. I love how you make me smile, even when you're not with me
5. I love how we have shared so much during the past 8 and a half months.. you almost seem to know me better than myself
6. I love how other than NFL teams, we seem to share so much in common when it comes to sports
7. I love that no matter how many times you tell me you love me, I never ever get tired of hearing it from you
8. I love that being with you has brought out a girly girl in me I never knew existed
9. I love how seeing the wallpaper on my phone of you, C and I makes me feel complete because the both of you make up my own little family
10. I love that you love me the way I am, even when I am hard on myself

Tuesday, August 24, 2011
10 Things J Loves About Me:

1. I love that through all the family BS, you still push through it to make it better for C and you
2. I love that you still fall for the "OMG, guess what? I love you" trick 
3.  I love love love you
4. I love that you make me genuinely happy
5. I love your lil quirkiness
6. I love how you won't let me go to sleep without a goodnight talk
7. I love how you say you talk about me to your friends like I'm something special
8. I love how you're so sweet
9. I love how you are so understanding
10. I love how you don't tell people.... (our secret) :)

10 Things I Love About J:

1. I love how even though we can't see each other until Thursday, you text me on my way home so it almost feels like you are with me
2. I love how I have been able to send you random pics or stories about my commute and you seem to appreciate the humor in it all
3. I love that the deeper this relationship gets, the more integrated we are becoming (and the more our mutual Facebook friend count grows)
4. I love how even though I know you're a little bit upset with me, you don't tell me, your voice does
5. I love how you let me talk about my day, even though I know you'd much rather go to sleep
6. I love how even though you probably wanna see me as much as I wanna see you, you put your school work ahead of me no matter how much fun playtime sounds
7. I love the way it feels to talk to my friends, to rave, about how truly blessed I am to have found my soul mate
8. I love how you are there for me, morning, noon and night, even when I'm in a shitty mood
9. I love how good it feels when we are cuddled together on the couch and you run your fingers through my hair
10. I love how even when you are half asleep, you make it a point to text me goodnight, even if its a simple, short text, which it rarely ever is

Wednesday, August 24, 2011
10 Things J Loves About Me:

1. I love that I miss the little things about you when I haven't seen you through the week
2. I love that you tell me sweet dreams before I go to bed
3. I love how you made an effort to get to know all of my family and spent time with them
4. I love that we can talk about current events
5. I love when you plan date nights, they're always fun
6. I love that you're a nerd, a secret undercover nerd
7. I love that you're computer literate because I'm not
8. I love that I can kid around with you and you don't get hurt
9. I love that you're a big crybaby (sometimes)
10. I love that you sleep better at night when I'm safe

10 Things I Love About J:

1. I love that we share a silly, sometimes sick, sense of humor that most people would never understand
2. I love that you text me and worry about me, especially when I am taking the bus late at night
3. I love that we can talk about everything, including current events
4. I love the support and motivation you give me day in and day out
5. I love that you look forward to seeing me as much as I look forward to seeing you after a few days of not seeing one another
6. I love how it's so easy to brag about you and the wonderful relationship we have to the world
7. I love that I can share some of the most personal things with you and you never cast judgement on me
8. I love when you get just a little bit jealous when guys hit on me
9. I love how you make sure to take the time out from your busy day to read my blog
10. I love when you and I watch shows like Teen Mom and you take the time and ask me questions, especially the ones related to adoption

Thursday, August 25, 2011
10 Things J Loves About Me:

1.  I love that you have made me a part of your son's life
2. I love that you like to do things outside of the norm, like tonight (cake decorating)
3. I love that you snort real hard when you laugh real hard
4. I love that you have a secret girl crush on Anjelah Johnson
5. I love that we can go out and meet new couples (and some weirdos)
6. I love our good morning talks
7. I love that you're a crazy picture taker (I've never had that before - fyi)
8. I love that you look pretty for me, even after a long day at work
9. I love how you match your nails to your outfits
10. I love your big ol booty :)

10 Things I Love About J:

1. I love how even though you don't completely understand adoption and what it entails, you care enough to try your best to understand
2. I love that you love cupcakes as much as I do
3. I love how even though you may be in a bad mood, you never shine me off or ignore me
4. I love how you have me listening to country music, even when I'm not with you
5. I love how personable you are and how you get along with virtually any person you meet
6. I love how you text me this morning to wish C a good first day of school
7. I love that you were up for cake decorating with me tonight
8. I love that you have turned me into such a cheese ball, something I have never really been before
9. I love that you are the one person I wanna call when I have good news, bad news, or weird news
10. I love that you don't mind that I am a crazy picture taker and that I tag you in all the pictures I upload to Facebook

Friday, August 26, 2011
10 Things J Loves About Me:

1. I love how sad you get after I leave you. It feels good to know I am being missed
2. I love that you always know of the good places to eat at
3. I love the ...face you make :)
4. I love that you are so driven, getting a second job, going to school, a son, and me and you don't complain
5. I love that I just spent 10 hours with you and I'm still not tired of you
6. I love that you are so thoughtful, such as planning on a birthday gift for my cousin
7. I love how you randomly tell me you are proud of me
8. I love how I could take you away from whatever you have on your mind, just by relaxing on the couch together
9. I love how you love me rubbing my hands through your hair
10. I love that you love watching wedding shows and get ideas

10 Things I Love About J:

1. I love your spontaneity
2. I love how you tease me
3. I love planning your birthday trip, even though it's 2 1/2 months away from now
4. I love our level of intimacy
5. I love the feeling of pride I get when I tell people what a wonderful man I've been so blessed to have in mine and my son's lives
6. I love watching wedding shows together
7. I love when you ask me for homework help
8. I love that you waited for me during my job interview today
9. I love the support you give me, day in and day out
10. I love kissing you, making out with you, and... so much more :)

Saturday, August 27, 2011
10 Things J Loves About Me:

1.  I love how you surprise me with different goodies
2. I love how you won't let me chew around you or I get no kisses
3. I love seeing you be a mama
4. I love how you started this (I Love Yous) and made me stick to it
5. I love spending time with you and C
6. I love when you wear a dress....
7. I love that you can go all day and still want to play in the pool, even with a hurt back
8. I just love you and can't see the both of you not in my life
9. I love that even with your past, you try hard not to let it interfere with our relationship
10. I love YOU

10 Things I Love About J:

1. I love the way you reassure me that you won't hurt me
2. I love watching the way you interact with C when we all hang out together
3. I love knowing that when we have our own kid, you are going to be an amazing father
4. I love doing absolutely nothing together and it being fun
5. I love that my kisses mean more to you than chew
6. I love how you make me laugh
7. I love the way you are so helpful, when in all reality, you don't need to be
8. I love that you actually did 10 days of this and didn't complain too much
9. I love that you understand I've been through bad stuff and don't use it against me
10. I love how we have been dating for nearly 9 months and yet I still feel like this relationship is new and exciting

Unhealthy People & Relationships

"As long as we believe that someone else has the power to make us happy then we are setting ourselves up to be victims"

~ Robert Burney 

For as long as I could possibly remember, I have had my fair share of unhealthy relationships. My first kiss was based on a lie, as the 17 year old boy who kissed me thought I was 15 and not 13. Over the past 15 years of my life, I have found myself in so many different types of situations and relationships, and would cry because I figured that every guy in the world was the same. In the course of the past 10 years, I have dated guys who have cheated on me, lied to me, talked down to me, disrespected me, yelled at me, and one who even put his hands on me. I have been through it all.

After countless counseling sessions and having the realization after my car accident last year that life is too short, I learned that no one was responsible for my happiness but myself. I figured out that I am worth so much more than I was allowing myself to have, and that respect is one of the highest forms of love that could be felt.

By focusing on me and my happiness, as well as adding positive thinking to my life, I have attracted great things over the course of the past year. I have put in 110% of myself into my work and have therefore earned a raise and kept my job, allowing me the ability to move to an office closer to home. I have become a better mom, putting more effort and work into my relationship with C. I have cut the people in my life who just weren't healthy to be around. I have cut down my drinking, partying, and irresponsible choices and actions. Best of all, I have opened myself up to a relationship with someone who loves and respects me and with whom I have the most healthiest relationship with. This new life of mine has changed my perspective and I am seeing the world at a completely new angle.

One of the biggest changes I have had to "deal" with is my lack of patience for people in unhealthy relationships. I have distanced myself from friends who are in bad relationships, mainly because I don't want that sort of vibe near me. Unfortunately, one of the unhealthiest relationships of all is one that I can't avoid, even if I wanted to, as it involves someone who is family (I'm not going to says whose family.. lol), whom I am going to call Tweedle Dee (guy) and Tweedle Dum (girl).

Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum are older than me, both in their mid- to late-thirties. Both are divorced and have children from their previous marriages - he has 1 pre-teen, and she has 2 late teens. Tweedle Dee doesn't have a job, but goes to school. Tweedle Dum has a career, but only does the bare minimum. They have been dating for about 5 or so months, and to anyone on the outside, seem like a perfect, happy couple who are so in love.

For some reason, as much as I tried to like Tweedle Dum when I first met her, I couldn't. I don't know why, but she exuded some bad vibes. J, on the other hand, insisted that she was great for Tweedle Dee. He said that she was exactly what he needed to stay focused in school and to get ahead. I disagreed, but didn't say much else other than the fact that something about her was "off".

Over the course of the past few months, J and I have had the "opportunity" to hang out with Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. From my perspective, the manipulation and toxicity of that relationship has been apparent from the start. What started out as Tweedle Dum paying for meals and activities, turned into her paying for everything they did. Next thing we learned, she was paying his cell phone bill, gym membership and tuition for school, as well as paying for things for his son, including his birthday party.

There have been two incidents of "outings" with the Tweedles that have caused both J and I to have no desire to hang out with them unless really necessary. Both times, a seemingly great time ended up in an altercation between them of some sort. From my point of view, there is no respect, trust, or effective communication between the two of them and it will always cause these types of problems.

Tweedle Dum lacks self esteem. She is desperate for people to accept and love her and does anything and everything she can to go out of her way to do whatever she can. She is distrustful and has a constant need for attention and affection. She has no backbone and is easily persuaded and manipulated. She is naive and desperate for attention. In essence she is the opposite of present-day ME.

It has taken me a few months to figure out why I have such a problem with Tweedle Dum. She's not my girlfriend and hasn't done anything to me directly. Sure, it always seems like she's trying to compete with me, in some weird way, but other than that she has been nice to me. Sometimes too nice, as in OVERLY nice. After much thought and insight, I figured out what it is about her that bothers me so much. She reminds me of who I USED TO BE.

J laughs at me because my psychoanalysis of Tweedle Dum is pretty accurate. She has come from a background of unhealthy relationships (as I have), and a marriage where she suffered from domestic violence. Due to this abuse, she feels the need to be a pleaser, going out of her way to do all and everything (sometimes overboard), to do things for others. She is desperate and clingy and doesn't trust, due to the fact that she has probably been cheated on and lied to. She allows herself to be manipulated and talked down to, probably because in her mind, that is better than being battered physically. She "competes" with me, not because she wants to be better than me, but because she wishes she could be somewhat like me. She puts on a facade that everything is rainbows and sunshine, but to someone like me who has been through it, it easy to see through it.

One would think that being that I understand what she has been through, I would have compassion for her, but I don't. I find myself to be disgusted and appalled by her and her behaviors. I think I feel this way because it is embarrassing to think that at one point in my life, I was like her. I told this to J and he was quite surprised. He said he couldn't imagine me being like that, but we all have our "Once upon a times".

I almost feel angry at Tweedle Dum. Why? I think because her weakness reminds me of a bad time in my life. It reminds me of when I was with C's dad, and when I found myself pregnant with Hope, and of my last relationship. It reminds me of times when I didn't think I was good enough for someone of quality, when I settled for less, and I had no self-esteem. It reminds me of days when I would cry and ask God what I did for him to punish me by putting me through so much, days when I felt like there were no good guys left in the world, at least not for me. She reminds me of all the bad things I wish I could forget I was, and all of the things I never, ever want to be.

I am in a tremendously wonderful place in my life right now. I am genuinely happy and motivated to succeed in life, whether it be through my education, my career goals, or my personal life endeavors. I am in the most healthy relationship I could have ever imagined myself to be in. One based on love, trust, respect, and communication, a relationship that is based on mutual understanding, and 50/50 give and take. I have self-respect and more self-esteem and confidence than I've ever had in my life. I am the complete opposite of Tweedle Dum and have no desire to accommodate for such unhealthiness in my life. I don't think this makes me a bad person; it just means that I want only the best all around in my life, and that includes getting as far away from the toxicity of my past life as I possibly can.

It's only a matter of time before the Tweedles break up. I have my bets that it will be as soon as Tweedle Dee finishes school, since Tweedle Dum is paying his tuition. Although we can't distance ourselves completely from the couple, I am glad that J agrees with me that the unhealthiness of their relationship is not something we want to be around. I am most thankful that what may seem like a crazy blogger girl's rant, is actually something that J understands and respects. Most of all, I am most definitely thankful that I am no longer the Tweedle Dum version of myself.

Hooray for personal growth and development!

Teen Mom = Story of My Life

Anyone who truly knows me, knows how much I love the MTV show, Teen Mom. I have been following these girls since they started on 16 and Pregnant. I feel as though I have a connection with each of the girls on the show, as I find that they each represent a struggle I've been through or am going through. I have even blogged about the show for the Birthmom Buds blog and about how much the show has helped me start the grieving process as a birthmom, as I found that I could really relate to what Catelynn and Tyler were going through.

I find that almost each episode of Teen Mom has me in tears, as the girls are always facing something I could relate to. Last night's show was no different, in fact, I think it hit me harder than usual for some reason. I found myself relating to Farrah, as she wants to move away to start a life of her own. While I don't always entirely agree with the girl and her choices or the type of person she is, I completely understand her desire to get away and do things on her own. I am 28 years old and finding that I wish I could get away and live life on my own with C. I feel like my parents have some sort of control over me because they help me out with C so much. It's been nearly 8 years since he was born, and I feel like they always hold it over my head that they help me out and I wish I was as ballsy as Farrah to just say I want out. If it was affordable enough to have a place of my own and still afford C's tuition, I probably would be able to make that happen.

In last night's episode, Maci was talking about wanting to have babies with Kyle. She saw the way that Kyle is with Bentley and how he would make a great dad. She talked about wanting to have a baby that was theirs, one she didn't want to have to share on the weekends. I feel like I could relate. While I don't have to share C with his "dad" the way that Maci has to share custody, I do see the way that J is with C and I can't help but fall in love with him over and over again, as he is amazing with him. I see so many qualities in J that make me realize what an amazing dad he would be to his own children; Qualities that make me see what an amazing husband he would be as well.

During the show, Maci had dinner with her friends and told them about how she and Kyle had the baby talk. They were somewhat shocked and reminded her of the pain and suffering she went through with Ryan, her ex. They reminded her of the nights he wouldn't come home and left her at home to take care of their child. He got to go out and be a teenager while she had to stay home and grow up. No woman ever expects their man to walk out on them when they are pregnant with their child. No woman expects to raise a child on their own. No woman ever really plans on having to deal with the trauma of realizing that their man just isn't ready to grow up, while at that point, there's no choice and growing up and being responsible is the only option.

Maci's friends told her they didn't want to see her go through the same things she had gone through in the past with Kyle. It made me think about my own life and why after I had C, I always said I didn't want more children. I've always had the fear of being put in the same situation I found myself in 8 years ago. I don't want to ever have to raise another child alone again. It's been a long and difficult road and the last thing I want is to have to do it again without someone by my side. Being with J has made the worry and fear go away enough for me to be able to talk about wanting a family and babies of our own. It has made it a lot easier to discuss marriage and what the next step of our relationship would be. It's amazing how much trust I have in him and how much faith I have in the future outcomes of this relationship. It's a feeling I have never in my life felt, and while it is scary, it feels right. I know that he would be a great dad like mine was. I know that he will be an amazing husband like my dad has been to my mom. I know that we make a great team and I am no longer afraid of having to raise another baby alone (when we get to that point), because I know that J would never let that happen.

One of the biggest things about last night's show that has really affected me and has been resonating in my mind is the whole part about Catelynn and Tyler. There are a few things that got to me in this episode:

1. The episode started off with them meeting up with their adoption advisor to pick up pictures of Carly (one thing I am super jealous of). Tyler asked if it would be ok to invite Carly's family to graduation 6 months down the line. It was suggested that he write a letter to Carly's a-parents to give them time to make that decision.
2. Tyler and Catelynn went shopping with their parents to buy gifts for Carly for Christmas. Tyler's dad got really emotional and said that he wanted to send her a gift even though she didn't know who he is.
3. Tyler's mom called Brandon and Theresa (the a-parents), and really freaked them out, especially since she had mentioned graduation. It put Catelynn and Tyler in a place where they were trying to figure out their parents involvement in the adoption. In one scene, Catelynn said that when she made the choice for adoption, she never thought about how that would involve their families, something I could totally relate to. Seeing how much the family has been affected by their choice made me look at my own stuff.

Here's what I am thinking about:

1. Seeing Catelynn and Ty talk about wanting Carly at graduation made me reflect on my own life. I have thought about it time and time again about how much Hope is a part of my life, even though she probably doesn't know I exist. I think about how hard I work in my everyday life to get ahead, and how much she is a part of that motivation to succeed as much as C is. When I made my adoption plan, I didn't think she would ever be as much a part of my day to day thoughts as she has become, and I never thought that she would be such a big part of my decision making and thought processes as she has become. I would love to have her at my graduation from college one day, and I most definitely would die complete if she were at my wedding. I think about how much I wish I could share my successes in life with her and how I don't ever think that would be possible, and it makes me sad. It honestly breaks my heart and has me in tears to think that this little girl has no idea how much she has changed my life, and i wish I could tell her.
2. Watching Catelynn and Ty shop for Christmas gifts made me feel like such a bad birthmom. In the past 6 years, I have attempted to shop for Hope for birthdays, holidays, and just because. I have found myself buying her birthday cards but never sending them. I don't know what to buy or say or do.The last time I bought Hope a gift was when she was first born, when my mom and I took some things we had purchased to the adoption agency and sent them for her. Since then, I have found myself going to the store with the intention of getting her something, and leaving empty handed as I search through the store and realize I have no idea what she likes.  I don't know what is right or wrong. I don't want to share too much or over cross my boundaries. I seriously don't know what the proper etiquette is when it comes to communicating with my daughter, especially when I don't know if her parents have shared with her that she is adopted. This is one of my struggles as it seems as though V & L are very protective and hesitant, even to send me pictures.
3. I completely understand the struggle that Catelynn and Ty are having with their families and their desire of involvement. When I found myself pregnant with Hope, I thought about how adding another child to the family would affect my immediate family. I thought about the adverse effects to everyone's lives, but never really thought about how it would be difficult emotionally. While placing a baby for adoption is an unselfish decision, I have come to realize how the adoption itself has been selfish. I find myself not wanting to share the pictures and letters I get. I don't want to include my family into any of my plan. I don't like when my family talks about the adoption or bad-mouths V&L for not sending more pictures because I PICKED THEM to be MY daughter's parents. I know that she is very much a part of them as she is of me, and that they are hurting as well, but I also feel like they have NO idea as to what it has been like to grow this baby in my tummy and place her in the arms of another family. Granted, they are in pain because they had no say in the decision I made, they have NO IDEA what pain I live with day in and day out and they choose to not acknowledge the fact that this hurts me more than them.

I find that the older I get, the more my mind races with things I didn't think about 6 years ago when I made my adoption plan. I think about how at this time, in 2005, I was meeting V & L for the first time and deciding that they were who my baby was going to call mom and dad. I didn't have much knowledge of adoption, I just knew that there was open and closed adoptions. When I heard about semi-open adoptions, I didn't know about what they entailed and thought that it only meant I was allowed pictures and letters. I had no clue that I could've possibly requested a face to face meeting once a year. If there's any regret I have, it's not requesting that option.

I feel that as the years go by, I want to see her. I want to hug her and kiss her and tell her I love her. I want to see for myself what a beautiful little girl she has become and I want to hear her laugh and see her smile. It weighs in heavy on my heart that I don't really know when the next time I will see her will be. I feel so sad at the fact that I was so uneducated about my options, and feel like now it's just a waiting game and lots of prayer to have the ability to meet her again.

Even though I am not a teen, I am thankful for Teen Mom and the fact that it shows me that the things I am going through and the thoughts I am having are normal, even at my age. I also like the fact that the show has helped J understand a lot more about adoption, in turn helping him understand a lot more about me. It has helped give him perspective and caused him to ask questions he probably wouldn't have thought to ask had it not been for the show. I just wish that each show wouldn't cause me to cry like a baby every time. lol

I am definitely looking forward to the rest of the season...

Tangled

With it being the last weekend before school starts for C, I let him stay up late one last night before we start getting ready for new sleep hours. Last night, after I got home from an amazing date with J, C and I cuddled up in bed and watched Tangled on Netflix.

Tangled is basically the Disney version of Rapunzel. She was the daughter of the king and queen of the land they lived in who was taken and raised by a mean woman when she was a baby. Rapunzel wasn't allowed to leave the tower she lived in, but when she turned 18, she snuck out to see the lanterns that were released every year on her birthday. She eventually found out she was the missing princess and was reunited with her parents.

In the movie, there was a scene where it was her birthday, and the king and queen were so sad. C asked me if I would be sad if my son was taken away from me. I said of course. I said, "I understand how they feel. I miss my daughter everyday." C looked at me with alarm and said "Whaaaat? What are you talking about, mom?" I said, "Hope, baby. Hope is my daughter. She's your sister." He said, "No mom, Hope has parents. She's not your daughter." I tried to explain that she came from my tummy to their arms. It was a pretty difficult conversation to have with a 7 year old so we just continued to watch the movie.

Later on, C mentioned something about how the mean lady had adopted Rapunzel. I paused the movie and asked him if he knew what adoption meant and he said, "Yes, mom. Adoption is when people who can't have a baby are given a baby by someone who doesn't want theirs." I explained to him that that wasn't the case. I told him that just because someone is placed for adoption doesn't mean that their birthparent didn't want them, it meant that they loved them enough to give them a life that they wouldn't be able to give them have they stayed with them. It was a pretty heavy talk that resulted in me staying up till 3:30am with so many thoughts running through my head.

I have tried to be open with C as much as I possibly could about Hope since the very beginning. Although he wasn't even two years old yet when she was born, I have tried my best to talk about her and share with him that he has a sister. I don't think he ever really believed it because this "sister" was no where around. I have tried to share pictures of her, but realized that each time someone mentioned how much they looked alike, he would act out. It wasn't until last night that I realized he fully doesn't understand the situation and that worries me.

I am worried that as C gets older and learns more, he will grow to resent me. He wants a sibling so bad, and the fact that he has one who he doesn't know, and it's all my fault, makes me feel pretty bad. I know I made the right choice, as they both wouldn't be able to live the life they live if it weren't for my choice to place her for adoption, but it doesn't make it any easier. I just pray he'll understand, I pray they both will.

I thought about trying to explain more about adoption and the situation with Hope, but I don't want to push more on my little guy than I have to. I want him to keep hold of his innocence and never let it go. I want him to be a normal kid, not having to think or worry about the mistakes and choices I have made in the past. I figure that I will tell him more as he gets older if we are stuck in the same situation.

Leave it up to a Disney movie to leave me just as Tangled as Rapunzel's hair. I am glad we got to watch the movie together, and it was a great movie, but I'm not so glad about the unexpected conversation that came from it with C. But, such is another day in the life of a mom who is also a birthmom.

Crazy, Beautiful Life

"Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated."

~ Confucius

I know it has been a long time since I updated this blog. So much has happened over the past few weeks, I don't even know where to start. It's almost amazing how looking back at the past month, I have realized how many ups and downs I have gone through, yet am still standing, making it through it all.

Earlier this month, I had the opportunity to meet J's entire family. Every year, his family has a family reunion, which was at his house this year. In the 8 months I have been dating J, I had heard many stories about his family, whom he holds to such a high regard. It was very nice to meet every aunt, uncle and cousin he has talked about, although there were some that were missing. I have never, ever felt so welcomed and such a part of the family. I was grateful to have such an opportunity to meet some amazing people.

Of those amazing people, one of the biggest influences on what a great time I had was J's cousin, A. A and I had been Facebook friends for awhile before she and her family made it down to California from Colorado for family reunion week. A reminds me a lot of myself when I was her age (nearly 20) and she and I seemed to have hit it off right off the bat. We got to talk a lot, and the Facebook relationship we had built seemed to have only been strengthened by meeting in person. I am glad I took time off from work, which I rarely ever do, to go to the Orange County Fair, shopping, to Ports O Call, and to do more shopping with J's immediate and Colorado family. I had a great time, but had a really hard time saying goodbye when it was time for them to go back to Colorado. I cried the whole way home from J's house to mine, mostly because I was going to miss A and her incredible family, and also because I knew I wasn't going to be as busy as I was. Them being here in town meant me almost forgetting what has really been in the back of my mind... Hope's birthday.

I feel like as soon as J's family festivities were over, the weight of what is to come next month hit me like a ton of bricks. I have been on a roller coaster of emotions since the beginning of the month, and I almost feel overwhelmed by my thoughts and feelings. I wish there was a way to control it and to not let my feelings get the best of me, but I can't and I find that I am crying much more often than I have in a long time.

I recently got news that things at work are going to change. I'm not sure I could say much for the change other than I am having a hard time with the fact that they are letting someone go, whose spot I will be taking over. I feel bad that it's not because this woman is a bad employee, just that they felt I was a better one. Its been tough, and I am not looking forward to the adjustments and the change that is about to occur over the course of the next few weeks.

With all of that, and school, and a child, and keeping my wonderful boyfriend happy, I got to add getting into a car accident onto my list of things. Yup, I got into ANOTHER one. Not very fun at all, but I am ok and so is my friend, and that's all that matters. Ok, maybe not all that matters... I am sore and achy and I hurt all over. I wish this pain would go away, as its been nearly a week since the accident occurred, but it is looking like it will be awhile before it does. I am most grateful that I could walk and be as normal as I could possibly be, just without the ability to carry my big purse or heavy boxes. This accident, however, made me realize who my true friends are, as they are the ones who have sent me texts or phone calls or facebook messages, asking me if I was alright. I have decided that those who didn't care enough to even send a simple message aren't people I should worry about to spend my time or focus on. It was a great way to turn a "bad" thing into a good one, as I was able to figure out who truly cared about me.

I have had so many thoughts flying through my head lately, at such a high rate of speed that I can't even catch them and put them in any particular order. This may seem like "thought vomit" so here it goes, in no particular order:

• My relationship with J has been fabulous, as it seems to get better and better each day (when I'm not pushing him away due to my own personal issues).
• C is starting the third grade in just a few days and I am overwhelmed but excited for him.
• It is coming on to 5 months since I last received pictures of Miss Hope. I called the adoption agency and spoke to the woman in charge of pictures and letters and she said I should email them again. I have had an email sitting in my drafts box of my email, waiting for me to grab the courage and just send it.
• In addition to the changes at work, I am applying for a position at a call center for Options United, a non-profit pro-life agency in Pasadena, working the hotline for women who have found themselves in unplanned pregnancies. I am really excited for this opportunity, but I am scared at the same time, as I am afraid it will bring up old memories or pain from my past. But as I always say, if my life experiences could help just one person or change one life, my purpose in life has been served and completed.
• My relationship with my family is still crap. It's off and on and off and on. I feel like I have a better relationship with J's parents than I do my own, and they seem to care more about what is going on in my life than my own. It amazes me that my parents don't ever ask me how school is going, and that's all that J's parents ever ask me about each and every time they see me
• I am starting week 7 of my first class tomorrow. 3 more weeks left in this quarter. I cant believe how fast time seems to be flying
• My beautiful, sweet daughter will be 6 years old in 19 days. I am an emotional wreck, and I wish I wasn't. I hate crying and not being able to stop, almost for what seems to be no apparent reason for anyone who has to deal with me.
• J and I started playing a game that was probably the best thing I could've ever suggested. Each day for the past three and hopefully for the next 4 or 5 days, we pick 10 things that we love about the other and text them to each other. My plan is to eventually put all these things in a blog, for him and for me, so that when we are having a rough day, we can look at them and be reminded of all the amazing things the other person loves about us. I am excited for this new little project.

All in all, even though I have been through my share of "bad luck" these past few weeks, I am feeling blessed and fortunate to be able to walk, and live and love. I'm looking to probably get back to writing more since I know for a fact that I am going to need a place to vent my feelings and frustrations over the next few weeks. I just needed to get out all the crazy, beautiful things that are happening in my life.

Too Busy

It's so amazing how rapidly time flies and how rapidly things change. It seems like only yesterday, I was blogging about the decision to make a change in my life and start on my Bachelor's. Here I am, in the midst of week 3 out of my first ten week course, travelling full speed towards success. I'm making things happen, one day at a time, and I have never felt better about myself.

It feels so good to enjoy the fruits of my labor by seeing the grades I have earned weekly. Each 100 under my name is one step closer to getting an A, that I know I deserve.

With all this focus and time being spent on school, I have no time to be emotional over the fact that in about a month from now, my beautiful baby girl will be 6. No time to cry and be sad. Just time to be motivated and determined to finish and be one step closer to completing my goals. Once my goals are completed, I know I will have reached the ultimate happiness.

I really appreciate J and the support he has given me. It feels good when we find ourselves sacrificing our usual movie nights on the couch for homework time at the kitchen table. I love knowing that we keep each other balanced and that we are growing together. We are both making the sacrifices necessary to have that dream house, cars, vacations, and family that we always dreamed of. It is truly the best feeling to know that we are doing this together and plan on being there for every step of the way with one another.

I love my life, and I love the people who are actively in it. I love my amazing boyfriend and my wonderful son because they push me to strive for success and to reach my goals. The two of them, as well as little Miss Hope, make me want to be the best person I could possibly be and so much more. Yay for finally being in a good place in my life. It's so well deserved after all I have been through. Granted I am allowed my bad days, I don't desire to feel anything other than the way I feel right now - happy.

Filled With Love

It's currently 1:48am and I am wide awake. I just got in from a date with J and am still winding down, so I figured I would share my thoughts and feelings with the world, or whoever is awake at this hour :) (DISCLAIMER: I'm not drunk, or even near it...)

This was the first week in awhile that J had to actually work on a Friday. Between work and school for the both of us, as well as my emotions being so out of whack, it has been a rough week for us both. We saw each other on Tuesday for a random Happy Hour and study session, where I was able to get to brainstorm some ideas for his research paper that I am writing (that I should be finishing up right now), as well as to watch Teen Mom. I was pretty disappointed because I feel like my weekend doesn't officially start till when I am with him (cheesy, I know), so my unusually long and draining week seemed even longer till I saw him at C's soccer game today.

It feels really good to know that even though J worked a 24 hour shift yesterday, got off work this morning and went to school to complete a final, and went to get a haircut afterwards, he still wanted to be there for C's game, when he could have opted to stay home and rest for a bit. I find it to be so incredibly sexy to know that he cares about C on a level that no one else has ever cared for him before, including his own "father". To have a man in my life that doesn't mind going out of his way to support my son when he doesn't have to feels so good inside. I am an incredibly lucky woman and I thank God everyday.

One of my favorite comics of all time is Anjelah Johnson. She is hilarious and I have always had a dream of meeting her. I would have to admit, I have a major girl crush on her. Not only is she beautiful, she is funny and someone who I would love to have as a friend. When I found out she was going to be performing her standup show nearby, I jumped at the chance and bought a pair of tickets for J and I to go. I have never been to a comedy show, so I was excited that my first time would be to see her.

J and I made a date night out of Anjelah's show. After C's soccer game, we came to my house and I got ready really quick. It had been awhile since I had gotten pretty for J, so it felt good to put some makeup on and a dress. I know how much he appreciates and enjoys when I do. We went to Taps, a brewery and fish house, where we enjoyed some delicious drinks and an overpriced dinner. It was a little pricey, but we enjoyed our dinner on the patio of the restaurant, basking in the sunlight on a beautiful evening. I love how no matter what, it never feels like we are tired of each other. It quite frequently feels like we're at the beginning stages of our relationship, and I love it. The attraction I feel for him is so amazing. I have never felt butterflies this far into a relationship with anyone like I do with him.

After dinner, we walked over to the Improv and stood in line. We stood and talked and stood and I complained about how my feet hurt in my heels and we stood some more. I was adamant about getting there early because it was a sold out show. I wanted to make sure we got a good seat, and that we did. We stood in line for a little over an hour and were finally let it, and we were just a row away from the stage. I was so happy.

As excited as I was to go to the show, I didn't think I would've had as great of a time as I did. I haven't laughed as hard as I did in a long time. I had tears in my eyes from laughing so much. I was almost afraid I was going to lose a fake eyelash. It really feels good to be able to laugh like that with J by my side. The comedic relief was almost what we needed as I don't think either of us had laughed that much in awhile.

After the show, there was an opportunity to meet Anjelah. That was definitely an opportunity I didn't want to miss. J had left his card back at the restaurant, so he went back to retrieve it while I stayed in line. It meant a lot to me that he understood this how much it meant to me to meet her, and he even understood more when I wanted a picture with her and didn't include him in it, even though he mentioned "FAIL" a few times.

By the end of the night, I know that J was absolutely exhausted. My poor boyfriend looked beat. When we were driving and I tried talking to him and realized he had fallen asleep for a few minutes, I looked over at him and realized how much I love this man. Everything he has done and said to me and every moment we have gone through together for nearly 8 months came to my mind. I couldn't help but smile because I felt like I am the luckiest girl in the world.

Never in my life have I experienced or known a love like this. As far as I am concerned, I never even thought that it existed. I always thought that love as strong as ours only existed in fairy tales, and I especially never thought a girl like me who has been through as much as I have would have the opportunity to feel the way that I do, and to have someone feel the same way about me. I am so incredibly blessed that J loves and accepts me for all that I am and am not. I am blessed that he loves me as a single mom, a birthmom, a woman, and a person who has mistakes in her past, and that he never casts judgements on the bad choices I made prior to having him in my life. I love him for all the hardwork and sacrifices he has made to get ahead and I admire his dedication to a better life. I firmly believe that J is my soulmate and the missing piece to my puzzle and I couldn't imagine life any other way.