Too Busy

It's so amazing how rapidly time flies and how rapidly things change. It seems like only yesterday, I was blogging about the decision to make a change in my life and start on my Bachelor's. Here I am, in the midst of week 3 out of my first ten week course, travelling full speed towards success. I'm making things happen, one day at a time, and I have never felt better about myself.

It feels so good to enjoy the fruits of my labor by seeing the grades I have earned weekly. Each 100 under my name is one step closer to getting an A, that I know I deserve.

With all this focus and time being spent on school, I have no time to be emotional over the fact that in about a month from now, my beautiful baby girl will be 6. No time to cry and be sad. Just time to be motivated and determined to finish and be one step closer to completing my goals. Once my goals are completed, I know I will have reached the ultimate happiness.

I really appreciate J and the support he has given me. It feels good when we find ourselves sacrificing our usual movie nights on the couch for homework time at the kitchen table. I love knowing that we keep each other balanced and that we are growing together. We are both making the sacrifices necessary to have that dream house, cars, vacations, and family that we always dreamed of. It is truly the best feeling to know that we are doing this together and plan on being there for every step of the way with one another.

I love my life, and I love the people who are actively in it. I love my amazing boyfriend and my wonderful son because they push me to strive for success and to reach my goals. The two of them, as well as little Miss Hope, make me want to be the best person I could possibly be and so much more. Yay for finally being in a good place in my life. It's so well deserved after all I have been through. Granted I am allowed my bad days, I don't desire to feel anything other than the way I feel right now - happy.

Scared of Change

"It is not the strongest
of the species that survive,
nor the most intelligent,
but the one most responsive to change."

CHANGE....

ugh, I HATE that word. I hate that in life, it is inevitable. I hate that it could mean so many things. It could be good. It could be bad. It could be anything.

In this case, change means that J is on his way to embarking on a new endeavor. One that will open many doors and possibilities, and will bring him a better future. In about 8 hours, he will be attending orientation for the program he will be going to school for for the next 18 months. In addition to his three 24 hour shifts at work (Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday), he will be adding a discussion board on Monday, an online class on Wednesday and an all day class till 4:00pm on Saturdays. He will definitely be busy.

I just got home from spending the latter part of my day with him. We literally spent 10 hours of our time together, really enjoying each other's company. We cuddled and talked and napped, truly indulging in each other's presence, but in the midst of it all, in the back of my mind, I was worried. What am I so worried about? I should be a happy, loving and supportive girlfriend, appreciative of every moment spent together. There's no reason to be worried... or is there?

As it is, J and I don't have very much time together. I am stuck working an 8-5 job most of the week (except for Friday when I get off at 2pm). He's working 7am-7am 24 hour shifts starting Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday mornings. That leaves us with some Mondays after I get off of work to hit the gym together, Wednesdays to hang out or go to the gym, and Fridays and Saturdays to enjoy each other's company (thats if he doesn't switch shifts at work). Well, that's all obviously going to change. Internally, I'm freaking out about it.

I know that while it is entirely selfish, and I honestly hate feeling the insecurities of worrying about the inevitable change that is bound to happen in our relationship. I understand that he will need my support now, more than ever, to get through the next 18 months of hard work and dedication to succeeding through this program and a new career. I know that I shouldn't worry because I trust him and know that he's not only doing this for himself, but for me and our future together as well. It's just scary to not know what's going to come. It's scary to think of so many things that could go wrong. It's awful to think of all the scenarios that play out in the back of my mind of things that could go wrong, even if I do my job to be the best girlfriend I could be. I have faith in our relationship, that we are stronger in 5 months more than some couples are in 5 years.

It's scary when I think about all I have witnessed in life. I have seen all too often where a woman supports a man through schooling, or training, or something that will better his life. She is usually a strong woman who makes whatever sacrifices she can to be the rock for her man in his time of need. In many instances, I have seen where the guy has gotten through it and dropped his rock at the end of it all, for someone better, thinner, prettier, younger, or someone he has gone to school or training with, because she "understands".

I went into this relationship knowing that J wanted to better his life and career. It wasn't something that was just sprung up on me all of a sudden. It is one of the factors that made me fall in love with him. His strong desire to succeed and have more in life. He is goal driven and inspired to be someone more than what he is today, and I love that so much about him. I have to keep reminding myself that J is in fact different than anyone I have ever let into my life, let alone my heart. He is someone who I know won't let me down, and we will get through this change in our lives together. I need to remind myself to stop being selfish, and use this time away from each other to better myself, because no man, including my own, will want a future with someone who isn't as driven and motivated to succeed as he is.

The time spent away from one another will definitely suck. The change will definitely not be an easy one. As scared as I am of it all, the time is here for it to happen and I have to let go of all my insecurities and be the best "rock" I can be for J. I know it will be a long road ahead of us, but we will make it through. At least I hope we will....