Overwhelmed

I can't believe that it has been nearly a month since my last post. I guess that goes to show how crazy my life has been as of lately. I feel like there haven't been enough hours in the day to accomplish all that I want to do or need to get done. I feel drained and tired, both physically and emotionally, but I do my best to wake up every morning and get out of bed with a smile on my face, because some people aren't so lucky.

The change of office locations is probably one of the most overwhelming things to get through this past month. I have been at SAFS for 5 years and I feel like I am back to basics, learning programs and paperwork that I didn't have to deal with before. I have had to deal with an office environment that is completely foreign to me, attitudes from other staff members and even clients, a completely different client demographic than what I was dealing with before, and the stress of running two offices on the pay of what I was making working at one. It's pure craziness and I just wish I could take a break from it all.

The one good thing about the move was that it helped distract me enough to get through Hope's birthday. I wasn't the extremely emotional wreck that I am every year because I basically didn't have the time to be. Granted, the moment I was alone and in a quiet place, I was a mess, but that was usually not the case as I was sometimes even too tired to cry.

This year was the best birthday anniversary ever. J was so amazingly supportive. No matter how much I pushed and pushed him away, he made sure to be by my side. The night before her birthday, I took the train over to his house, as I usually do on Thursday nights. He surprised me with cupcakes from my favorite spot and we watched opening night of football season at his house with pizza and wings. I probably cried on my way home, but it was still a good time. The next morning, on her birthday, he picked me up early with a dozen beautiful roses and we went to breakfast on the marina in Long Beach. I was afraid I was going to be a huge mess, but I cried only the first half of the day when I looked at her photo album and was able to get through the rest of the day with very minimal tears.

Because Hope shares her birthday with J's dad (who, btw, still doesn't know about the adoption), I was invited to celebrate his birthday with the family at dinner that night. I was nervous that I was going to be a train wreck of emotions, but luckily, I survived the night (even though I got teary eyed when the table next to ours was celebrating the birthday of a little girl who was around the same age as Hope). I was fairly proud of myself for not being the cry baby I usually am, and I was so extremely thankful to have such a wonderful boyfriend who provided me with so much support, even if he had no idea what I was going through.

I realized something huge this year. I realized that while I may not get to see or talk to a lot of my friends on a consistent basis, I have some pretty amazing people in my life. The phone calls, text messages and facebook messages that poured in this year on her birthday were so wonderful. J's cousin, A, even sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers. It almost felt like it was my own birthday. That's when it hit me that this day is more important than my own birthday. The people who remembered me on this important day were the ones I know I could count on no matter what. I am extremely grateful for them.

With the weight of moving offices, working late nights, sometimes until 8:30pm, and the heaviness that Hope's impending birthday weighed on my heart (and my relationship), I didn't do as well as I would've liked to do in my first class at Capella. In fact, I didn't do well at all, and I am very angry at myself for that. I am currently in the process of appeals with the board at the school so that I could retake this class and am hoping to get it approved before the next class starts in October. Crossing my fingers and hoping this could work out, because if not, then I am going to be super depressed that I have wasted even more time.

Besides work at SAFS, school, Hope's birthday, getting C situated with the 3rd grade and everything else, I started my new job. Ok, well technically not "started", but I HAVE attended two trainings and have a third this Saturday. As excited about this opportunity that has landed in my lap to try to make a difference in the lives of women who have found themselves in unplanned pregnancies by offering them the resources to gain more knowledge of their options, I am also scared. I am scared that I will fail at this job, or that it will trigger feelings in me that I may not have dealt with (although, at this point, I feel like I have dealt with mostly anything and everything imaginable). I am worried that, through my theory of not having enough hours in the day, I won't be able to have time for fun on my already limited weekends. But we shall see what happens, you never know till you try.

On top of all of that, money has been a major issue for me lately. I never seem to have enough of it. C went to the dentist last week and we found out he has 4 cavities. 4 cavities + 2 sealers = over $1100. Where the heck am I going to get that money from? I have NO IDEA. Especially when my own teeth hurt and I can't afford a dentist for myself. I feel like I work work work work work and have nothing to show for it. It's pretty upsetting and is one of the things that depresses me the most about my life right now. Being broke sucks. I feel that at this rate, moving out and having a life of my own, separate from my family will never happen.

The one thing, besides my wonderful relationship with J and my little guy C, that has kept me going lately has been going to the gym. I recently started up last week and am on a mission to get my butt in shape. I am starting to feel better from Car Accident #2 last month and am tired of not being able to do much and gaining weight. Weird enough, though, that I hadn't been to the gym in awhile and have slowly been losing weight. Last weekend, I was able to fit into jeans I hadn't been able to wear in years. It felt good, and J noticed, which is the bigger payoff. I am currently looking into getting a personal trainer, and am considering a small women's gym nearby this new office that offers semi-personal training at a fraction of the cost of a private trainer. We shall see what happens, but I think that I could afford to make the sacrifice if it means looking good and being healthy, plus working out seems to be the best stress release for me so far.

Also, some more good news is that V&L sent me an email last week with pictures of a beautiful little lady. I was so overwhelmed and haven't really been able to stop looking at them. It's almost quite amazing how much she looks like C. Their original email that came with the pictures was cut off and I emailed them letting them know that. They re-emailed me this weekend, and I practically cried my eyes out knowing that I made the best sacrifice I possibly could have made:

Hi M,

Sorry for the delay.  Thanks for your patience.  We're glad you got the pictures.  Below is the text from the letter that was included in the Kodak e-mail.  We now know to send it separate.  Take care.

----------------------Kodak Letter---------------------------
Hi M,
Hope began first grade on the week of her birthday. She is excited to be back in school even though she had a very busy summer. Most of her time was spent between YMCA and Girl Scout camp. We wound up the summer by taking a cruise to Alaska, which she considered to be a great adventure. Karate has taken a back seat for now, but she is still enrolled in dance and gymnastics classes. We have offered her other activity and sports classes, but she has a full plate right now.
We remain grateful to you for helping bring the joy of Hope into our lives. We are fine with occasional e-mails from you and /or gifts for her. She is bright and understands the concept of adoption, but her mind is still very young. Everything that we teach her is done in a very caring and loving way. We are conscientious parents and we want you to know that. She is energetic and full of life. We love her that way.

We wish you continued success with school, and your career. Please keep us posted on important events in your life and C's. Expect another small batch of pictures in the next coming months. Above all, please take care.
Sincerely,
V and L

It was a sweet email, and unexpected, since I didn't think they would write back, but I couldn't help but feel as though it was a little cold. I almost feel like they want to keep their distance from me. I understand that they may be afraid that I want to be a better birthmom and don't know what that entails, but I made it clear to them that I don't intend to overstep my boundaries and just want to have a better relationship with them. As much as I wish the relationship between us could change, I think that there is a fat chance of that happening and I just have to learn how to be ok with that. I guess that just comes with the territory of being a bmom in a semi-open adoption. I am just thankful that they emailed me back and that she seems to have such a wonderful and amazing life that I wouldn't have been able to provide her with on my own.

So many things going on at one time, it's kind of crazy.... October doesn't seem to look like the busy-ness is going to let up, either. At a glance, my weekends seem to be piling up with more and more to do. I am anticipating C's birthday at the end of the month, and J's birthday at the beginning of November. That, combined with Halloween, a couple of baby showers, two jobs and hoping I can start school again are already making my head spin... But I guess that is better than not doing anything with my life or being able to get out of bed in the morning with a smile on my face... :)