Unhealthy People & Relationships

"As long as we believe that someone else has the power to make us happy then we are setting ourselves up to be victims"

~ Robert Burney 

For as long as I could possibly remember, I have had my fair share of unhealthy relationships. My first kiss was based on a lie, as the 17 year old boy who kissed me thought I was 15 and not 13. Over the past 15 years of my life, I have found myself in so many different types of situations and relationships, and would cry because I figured that every guy in the world was the same. In the course of the past 10 years, I have dated guys who have cheated on me, lied to me, talked down to me, disrespected me, yelled at me, and one who even put his hands on me. I have been through it all.

After countless counseling sessions and having the realization after my car accident last year that life is too short, I learned that no one was responsible for my happiness but myself. I figured out that I am worth so much more than I was allowing myself to have, and that respect is one of the highest forms of love that could be felt.

By focusing on me and my happiness, as well as adding positive thinking to my life, I have attracted great things over the course of the past year. I have put in 110% of myself into my work and have therefore earned a raise and kept my job, allowing me the ability to move to an office closer to home. I have become a better mom, putting more effort and work into my relationship with C. I have cut the people in my life who just weren't healthy to be around. I have cut down my drinking, partying, and irresponsible choices and actions. Best of all, I have opened myself up to a relationship with someone who loves and respects me and with whom I have the most healthiest relationship with. This new life of mine has changed my perspective and I am seeing the world at a completely new angle.

One of the biggest changes I have had to "deal" with is my lack of patience for people in unhealthy relationships. I have distanced myself from friends who are in bad relationships, mainly because I don't want that sort of vibe near me. Unfortunately, one of the unhealthiest relationships of all is one that I can't avoid, even if I wanted to, as it involves someone who is family (I'm not going to says whose family.. lol), whom I am going to call Tweedle Dee (guy) and Tweedle Dum (girl).

Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum are older than me, both in their mid- to late-thirties. Both are divorced and have children from their previous marriages - he has 1 pre-teen, and she has 2 late teens. Tweedle Dee doesn't have a job, but goes to school. Tweedle Dum has a career, but only does the bare minimum. They have been dating for about 5 or so months, and to anyone on the outside, seem like a perfect, happy couple who are so in love.

For some reason, as much as I tried to like Tweedle Dum when I first met her, I couldn't. I don't know why, but she exuded some bad vibes. J, on the other hand, insisted that she was great for Tweedle Dee. He said that she was exactly what he needed to stay focused in school and to get ahead. I disagreed, but didn't say much else other than the fact that something about her was "off".

Over the course of the past few months, J and I have had the "opportunity" to hang out with Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. From my perspective, the manipulation and toxicity of that relationship has been apparent from the start. What started out as Tweedle Dum paying for meals and activities, turned into her paying for everything they did. Next thing we learned, she was paying his cell phone bill, gym membership and tuition for school, as well as paying for things for his son, including his birthday party.

There have been two incidents of "outings" with the Tweedles that have caused both J and I to have no desire to hang out with them unless really necessary. Both times, a seemingly great time ended up in an altercation between them of some sort. From my point of view, there is no respect, trust, or effective communication between the two of them and it will always cause these types of problems.

Tweedle Dum lacks self esteem. She is desperate for people to accept and love her and does anything and everything she can to go out of her way to do whatever she can. She is distrustful and has a constant need for attention and affection. She has no backbone and is easily persuaded and manipulated. She is naive and desperate for attention. In essence she is the opposite of present-day ME.

It has taken me a few months to figure out why I have such a problem with Tweedle Dum. She's not my girlfriend and hasn't done anything to me directly. Sure, it always seems like she's trying to compete with me, in some weird way, but other than that she has been nice to me. Sometimes too nice, as in OVERLY nice. After much thought and insight, I figured out what it is about her that bothers me so much. She reminds me of who I USED TO BE.

J laughs at me because my psychoanalysis of Tweedle Dum is pretty accurate. She has come from a background of unhealthy relationships (as I have), and a marriage where she suffered from domestic violence. Due to this abuse, she feels the need to be a pleaser, going out of her way to do all and everything (sometimes overboard), to do things for others. She is desperate and clingy and doesn't trust, due to the fact that she has probably been cheated on and lied to. She allows herself to be manipulated and talked down to, probably because in her mind, that is better than being battered physically. She "competes" with me, not because she wants to be better than me, but because she wishes she could be somewhat like me. She puts on a facade that everything is rainbows and sunshine, but to someone like me who has been through it, it easy to see through it.

One would think that being that I understand what she has been through, I would have compassion for her, but I don't. I find myself to be disgusted and appalled by her and her behaviors. I think I feel this way because it is embarrassing to think that at one point in my life, I was like her. I told this to J and he was quite surprised. He said he couldn't imagine me being like that, but we all have our "Once upon a times".

I almost feel angry at Tweedle Dum. Why? I think because her weakness reminds me of a bad time in my life. It reminds me of when I was with C's dad, and when I found myself pregnant with Hope, and of my last relationship. It reminds me of times when I didn't think I was good enough for someone of quality, when I settled for less, and I had no self-esteem. It reminds me of days when I would cry and ask God what I did for him to punish me by putting me through so much, days when I felt like there were no good guys left in the world, at least not for me. She reminds me of all the bad things I wish I could forget I was, and all of the things I never, ever want to be.

I am in a tremendously wonderful place in my life right now. I am genuinely happy and motivated to succeed in life, whether it be through my education, my career goals, or my personal life endeavors. I am in the most healthy relationship I could have ever imagined myself to be in. One based on love, trust, respect, and communication, a relationship that is based on mutual understanding, and 50/50 give and take. I have self-respect and more self-esteem and confidence than I've ever had in my life. I am the complete opposite of Tweedle Dum and have no desire to accommodate for such unhealthiness in my life. I don't think this makes me a bad person; it just means that I want only the best all around in my life, and that includes getting as far away from the toxicity of my past life as I possibly can.

It's only a matter of time before the Tweedles break up. I have my bets that it will be as soon as Tweedle Dee finishes school, since Tweedle Dum is paying his tuition. Although we can't distance ourselves completely from the couple, I am glad that J agrees with me that the unhealthiness of their relationship is not something we want to be around. I am most thankful that what may seem like a crazy blogger girl's rant, is actually something that J understands and respects. Most of all, I am most definitely thankful that I am no longer the Tweedle Dum version of myself.

Hooray for personal growth and development!

Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

It has been 3 1/2 days since I last saw J. The last time I saw him was Saturday, when he and I went to the movies after C's soccer game. Sadly, the next time I will see him will be Friday afternoon - I HOPE! This is probably the longest we have ever gone in our whole relationship without seeing each other.

I realized today how much I miss him. I mean, i've known all along how much I miss him, but today it really hit me how much. I'm so used to seeing him multiple times a week, and so just the thought of going 5 1/2 days without each other is tough. I'm pretty bummed out and super grumpy about this change. Before J started school, I had a feeling it would be like this, but I didn't think it would be this difficult for me.

With J having started the program, he is inundated with assignments that he needs to work on. That and the financial strain of the cost of his education on top of his regular expenses has made it difficult to come out and see me like he would. I completely understand the situation, and wish that there was something I could do to change it. But at the moment, there isn't.

One of the things J always makes fun of is that I think alot. I overthink and over analyze and think of worst case scenarios. I'm a nut, I know, but I can't help it. Its one of my flaws. I have come to the realization that during the past nearly 6 months, the burden of seeing each other has fallen on his shoulders since I don't have a car. We don't live very close to each other (25 miles between our houses) and yet he manages to pick me up and take me out to wherever we go. Granted it was like this in the old days of dating, where men courted women, I don't like that this has been his role. I feel helpless and stuck. I wish I had a car so that I could come to him when need be, and the burden could be shared between the both of us. Unfortunately, it's not an option at the moment.

I think what has really made me miss him more is that lately, I have been seeing quite a few blogs and articles containg engagement and wedding pictures. I have always enjoyed living vicariously through those pictures, probably because I always felt like I would never be so lucky. Never in my life have I wanted to be in my own set of pictures like I do with him. I think about all the possibilities for engagement photos and wedding locations. I'm a dork.. which is funny because never in my life have I thought about those things for myself.

Nearly 6 months into our relationship, I KNOW deep in my heart that J is the one for me. I know that I cannot go a day without hearing from him through text, im, or phone call. I know that he is the one who makes me smile and laugh when I'm having a blah day. He is the one who gives me strength when I feel like giving up. He motivates me to be the best person I could be, in all aspects of my life. I love who I am when I am with him, and I love the way he makes me feel. More importantly, I love that C is so comfortable around him, and I appreciate how protected he feels when we are with him. I can't imagine what my life would have been like without him in it. He truly inspires me to do the best I can because the end result is spending the rest of our lives together, and I want nothing more than that.

I never imagined my life wanting to wake up next to the same person everyday. I never thought about sharing a home and a family with someone. I never desired the things that I desire with him. Here I am, the girl who swore up and down growing up that I would never get married or have children, being a mom and hoping to one day be a wife... not just any wife, HIS WIFE.

Oh wow, that was just weird to say out loud. lol

It's almost amazing what a few days apart will make you realize. It has made me realize that J has taught me how to love whole heartedly. Little by little, he is teaching me that it's ok to trust and let go of all that I have held onto from my past. He is truly the sunshine on my dark and cloudy days. While I can't predict the future, and I know that the road ahead of us will be tough, I really hope that this relationship works out in a way that we both want it to. I am slowly learning to take life as it comes without having to overanalyze everything, and to be ok with opening up completely to him. I have to learn that if for some reason it doesn't work, then I take what I learned from him and US and apply it to the rest of my life. BUT, I doubt we won't work out, we're just way too awesome together...

Trust

"You may be deceived if you trust too much,

But you will live in torment if you do not trust enough"

~ Frank Crane

Never has a quote it in perfectly with what I feel at the moment. My constant thoughts and worry seem to be getting the best of me and I find myself to be greatly tormented by my lack of trust in my relationship.

In the past 5 1/2 months I have been dating J, never have I found myself to be so in love with someone the way I am in love with him. Never have I imagined a future with anyone the way I do with him. Never have I wanted more for myself the way I want it with him. It's a great, yet scary feeling. I have opened up myself in a way that has made me extremely vulnerable and easy to hurt. I don't ever want to hurt the way I have in the past. My heart simply cannot take that sort of pain after all I have been through in my life.

Why am I so worried about this? Why can't I just trust in him and in God that this will work out the way I want it to? Why is it so hard to let go of my insecurities and have a just take it as it comes approach to life? It would be so much easier to be carefree and not worry about something I cannot control. Unfortunately, that's not in my nature. I am constantly finding myself fighting with the voice in the back of my head that is telling me to be careful. I don't want to be careful, but I do. It's definitely a battle.

My stomach hurts with anxiety, and I am making myself go crazy with thoughts of worst case scenarios. I've been told that me not trusting him will make him do the very thing I'm scared of him doing. I find that it's not that I don't trust him, because I do, or else I wouldn't be in a relationship with him. I think it's the fact that I don't trust the fact that something good could actually happen to me, because they never have.

I look back at the people I have trusted in my life: friends, family, exes. I have been hurt and deceived by so many people. I find it so hard to believe that anyone could care about me like I care about them. I find it hard to fathom someone loving me as much as I love them. I struggle with the thought that there are actually good people in the world who won't hurt me, because I have yet to come across very many of those types of people in my life, even in my own immediate family.

I tell J all the time that I am damaged goods. I have been through so much in my life and I wish I could let go of all the pain I have been through in my past that has made me the way that I am. I wish I could start fresh and be brand new, but the truth is that my heart comes with battle scars and plenty of wounds. I wish more than anything that I could let go of all the pain I have felt in my life because I know it is a huge factor in what still keeps weighing me down. 

I am trying my hardest to believe in J and the fact that he is truly different than anyone I have ever met, which is why I am so in love with him. I am doing the best that I can to recognize that the issue is within me, and not in him. In all actuality, he has done as much as he can to show me that I can trust him, but it is still scary to completely put 100% of my trust in him. There is still a lot about him that I don't know and that's obvious, because it has really only been 5 months since we first started dating. I think about how much faith I have in US, but I am scared as hell that the moment I completely let my guard down, I will get hurt.

I can't stop the tears from falling from my eyes, as I sit here and wonder if I will ever allow the walls that have been built over the past 28 years to come down. I don't want to be so scared and vulnerable all the time because it isn't a good feeling. It's going to take a lot of work on my part for that change to happen, and I don't know how long it will be before I can believe that I won't get hurt. I just hope I don't lose a great guy in the process of it all....