Unhealthy People & Relationships

"As long as we believe that someone else has the power to make us happy then we are setting ourselves up to be victims"

~ Robert Burney 

For as long as I could possibly remember, I have had my fair share of unhealthy relationships. My first kiss was based on a lie, as the 17 year old boy who kissed me thought I was 15 and not 13. Over the past 15 years of my life, I have found myself in so many different types of situations and relationships, and would cry because I figured that every guy in the world was the same. In the course of the past 10 years, I have dated guys who have cheated on me, lied to me, talked down to me, disrespected me, yelled at me, and one who even put his hands on me. I have been through it all.

After countless counseling sessions and having the realization after my car accident last year that life is too short, I learned that no one was responsible for my happiness but myself. I figured out that I am worth so much more than I was allowing myself to have, and that respect is one of the highest forms of love that could be felt.

By focusing on me and my happiness, as well as adding positive thinking to my life, I have attracted great things over the course of the past year. I have put in 110% of myself into my work and have therefore earned a raise and kept my job, allowing me the ability to move to an office closer to home. I have become a better mom, putting more effort and work into my relationship with C. I have cut the people in my life who just weren't healthy to be around. I have cut down my drinking, partying, and irresponsible choices and actions. Best of all, I have opened myself up to a relationship with someone who loves and respects me and with whom I have the most healthiest relationship with. This new life of mine has changed my perspective and I am seeing the world at a completely new angle.

One of the biggest changes I have had to "deal" with is my lack of patience for people in unhealthy relationships. I have distanced myself from friends who are in bad relationships, mainly because I don't want that sort of vibe near me. Unfortunately, one of the unhealthiest relationships of all is one that I can't avoid, even if I wanted to, as it involves someone who is family (I'm not going to says whose family.. lol), whom I am going to call Tweedle Dee (guy) and Tweedle Dum (girl).

Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum are older than me, both in their mid- to late-thirties. Both are divorced and have children from their previous marriages - he has 1 pre-teen, and she has 2 late teens. Tweedle Dee doesn't have a job, but goes to school. Tweedle Dum has a career, but only does the bare minimum. They have been dating for about 5 or so months, and to anyone on the outside, seem like a perfect, happy couple who are so in love.

For some reason, as much as I tried to like Tweedle Dum when I first met her, I couldn't. I don't know why, but she exuded some bad vibes. J, on the other hand, insisted that she was great for Tweedle Dee. He said that she was exactly what he needed to stay focused in school and to get ahead. I disagreed, but didn't say much else other than the fact that something about her was "off".

Over the course of the past few months, J and I have had the "opportunity" to hang out with Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. From my perspective, the manipulation and toxicity of that relationship has been apparent from the start. What started out as Tweedle Dum paying for meals and activities, turned into her paying for everything they did. Next thing we learned, she was paying his cell phone bill, gym membership and tuition for school, as well as paying for things for his son, including his birthday party.

There have been two incidents of "outings" with the Tweedles that have caused both J and I to have no desire to hang out with them unless really necessary. Both times, a seemingly great time ended up in an altercation between them of some sort. From my point of view, there is no respect, trust, or effective communication between the two of them and it will always cause these types of problems.

Tweedle Dum lacks self esteem. She is desperate for people to accept and love her and does anything and everything she can to go out of her way to do whatever she can. She is distrustful and has a constant need for attention and affection. She has no backbone and is easily persuaded and manipulated. She is naive and desperate for attention. In essence she is the opposite of present-day ME.

It has taken me a few months to figure out why I have such a problem with Tweedle Dum. She's not my girlfriend and hasn't done anything to me directly. Sure, it always seems like she's trying to compete with me, in some weird way, but other than that she has been nice to me. Sometimes too nice, as in OVERLY nice. After much thought and insight, I figured out what it is about her that bothers me so much. She reminds me of who I USED TO BE.

J laughs at me because my psychoanalysis of Tweedle Dum is pretty accurate. She has come from a background of unhealthy relationships (as I have), and a marriage where she suffered from domestic violence. Due to this abuse, she feels the need to be a pleaser, going out of her way to do all and everything (sometimes overboard), to do things for others. She is desperate and clingy and doesn't trust, due to the fact that she has probably been cheated on and lied to. She allows herself to be manipulated and talked down to, probably because in her mind, that is better than being battered physically. She "competes" with me, not because she wants to be better than me, but because she wishes she could be somewhat like me. She puts on a facade that everything is rainbows and sunshine, but to someone like me who has been through it, it easy to see through it.

One would think that being that I understand what she has been through, I would have compassion for her, but I don't. I find myself to be disgusted and appalled by her and her behaviors. I think I feel this way because it is embarrassing to think that at one point in my life, I was like her. I told this to J and he was quite surprised. He said he couldn't imagine me being like that, but we all have our "Once upon a times".

I almost feel angry at Tweedle Dum. Why? I think because her weakness reminds me of a bad time in my life. It reminds me of when I was with C's dad, and when I found myself pregnant with Hope, and of my last relationship. It reminds me of times when I didn't think I was good enough for someone of quality, when I settled for less, and I had no self-esteem. It reminds me of days when I would cry and ask God what I did for him to punish me by putting me through so much, days when I felt like there were no good guys left in the world, at least not for me. She reminds me of all the bad things I wish I could forget I was, and all of the things I never, ever want to be.

I am in a tremendously wonderful place in my life right now. I am genuinely happy and motivated to succeed in life, whether it be through my education, my career goals, or my personal life endeavors. I am in the most healthy relationship I could have ever imagined myself to be in. One based on love, trust, respect, and communication, a relationship that is based on mutual understanding, and 50/50 give and take. I have self-respect and more self-esteem and confidence than I've ever had in my life. I am the complete opposite of Tweedle Dum and have no desire to accommodate for such unhealthiness in my life. I don't think this makes me a bad person; it just means that I want only the best all around in my life, and that includes getting as far away from the toxicity of my past life as I possibly can.

It's only a matter of time before the Tweedles break up. I have my bets that it will be as soon as Tweedle Dee finishes school, since Tweedle Dum is paying his tuition. Although we can't distance ourselves completely from the couple, I am glad that J agrees with me that the unhealthiness of their relationship is not something we want to be around. I am most thankful that what may seem like a crazy blogger girl's rant, is actually something that J understands and respects. Most of all, I am most definitely thankful that I am no longer the Tweedle Dum version of myself.

Hooray for personal growth and development!

Teen Mom = Story of My Life

Anyone who truly knows me, knows how much I love the MTV show, Teen Mom. I have been following these girls since they started on 16 and Pregnant. I feel as though I have a connection with each of the girls on the show, as I find that they each represent a struggle I've been through or am going through. I have even blogged about the show for the Birthmom Buds blog and about how much the show has helped me start the grieving process as a birthmom, as I found that I could really relate to what Catelynn and Tyler were going through.

I find that almost each episode of Teen Mom has me in tears, as the girls are always facing something I could relate to. Last night's show was no different, in fact, I think it hit me harder than usual for some reason. I found myself relating to Farrah, as she wants to move away to start a life of her own. While I don't always entirely agree with the girl and her choices or the type of person she is, I completely understand her desire to get away and do things on her own. I am 28 years old and finding that I wish I could get away and live life on my own with C. I feel like my parents have some sort of control over me because they help me out with C so much. It's been nearly 8 years since he was born, and I feel like they always hold it over my head that they help me out and I wish I was as ballsy as Farrah to just say I want out. If it was affordable enough to have a place of my own and still afford C's tuition, I probably would be able to make that happen.

In last night's episode, Maci was talking about wanting to have babies with Kyle. She saw the way that Kyle is with Bentley and how he would make a great dad. She talked about wanting to have a baby that was theirs, one she didn't want to have to share on the weekends. I feel like I could relate. While I don't have to share C with his "dad" the way that Maci has to share custody, I do see the way that J is with C and I can't help but fall in love with him over and over again, as he is amazing with him. I see so many qualities in J that make me realize what an amazing dad he would be to his own children; Qualities that make me see what an amazing husband he would be as well.

During the show, Maci had dinner with her friends and told them about how she and Kyle had the baby talk. They were somewhat shocked and reminded her of the pain and suffering she went through with Ryan, her ex. They reminded her of the nights he wouldn't come home and left her at home to take care of their child. He got to go out and be a teenager while she had to stay home and grow up. No woman ever expects their man to walk out on them when they are pregnant with their child. No woman expects to raise a child on their own. No woman ever really plans on having to deal with the trauma of realizing that their man just isn't ready to grow up, while at that point, there's no choice and growing up and being responsible is the only option.

Maci's friends told her they didn't want to see her go through the same things she had gone through in the past with Kyle. It made me think about my own life and why after I had C, I always said I didn't want more children. I've always had the fear of being put in the same situation I found myself in 8 years ago. I don't want to ever have to raise another child alone again. It's been a long and difficult road and the last thing I want is to have to do it again without someone by my side. Being with J has made the worry and fear go away enough for me to be able to talk about wanting a family and babies of our own. It has made it a lot easier to discuss marriage and what the next step of our relationship would be. It's amazing how much trust I have in him and how much faith I have in the future outcomes of this relationship. It's a feeling I have never in my life felt, and while it is scary, it feels right. I know that he would be a great dad like mine was. I know that he will be an amazing husband like my dad has been to my mom. I know that we make a great team and I am no longer afraid of having to raise another baby alone (when we get to that point), because I know that J would never let that happen.

One of the biggest things about last night's show that has really affected me and has been resonating in my mind is the whole part about Catelynn and Tyler. There are a few things that got to me in this episode:

1. The episode started off with them meeting up with their adoption advisor to pick up pictures of Carly (one thing I am super jealous of). Tyler asked if it would be ok to invite Carly's family to graduation 6 months down the line. It was suggested that he write a letter to Carly's a-parents to give them time to make that decision.
2. Tyler and Catelynn went shopping with their parents to buy gifts for Carly for Christmas. Tyler's dad got really emotional and said that he wanted to send her a gift even though she didn't know who he is.
3. Tyler's mom called Brandon and Theresa (the a-parents), and really freaked them out, especially since she had mentioned graduation. It put Catelynn and Tyler in a place where they were trying to figure out their parents involvement in the adoption. In one scene, Catelynn said that when she made the choice for adoption, she never thought about how that would involve their families, something I could totally relate to. Seeing how much the family has been affected by their choice made me look at my own stuff.

Here's what I am thinking about:

1. Seeing Catelynn and Ty talk about wanting Carly at graduation made me reflect on my own life. I have thought about it time and time again about how much Hope is a part of my life, even though she probably doesn't know I exist. I think about how hard I work in my everyday life to get ahead, and how much she is a part of that motivation to succeed as much as C is. When I made my adoption plan, I didn't think she would ever be as much a part of my day to day thoughts as she has become, and I never thought that she would be such a big part of my decision making and thought processes as she has become. I would love to have her at my graduation from college one day, and I most definitely would die complete if she were at my wedding. I think about how much I wish I could share my successes in life with her and how I don't ever think that would be possible, and it makes me sad. It honestly breaks my heart and has me in tears to think that this little girl has no idea how much she has changed my life, and i wish I could tell her.
2. Watching Catelynn and Ty shop for Christmas gifts made me feel like such a bad birthmom. In the past 6 years, I have attempted to shop for Hope for birthdays, holidays, and just because. I have found myself buying her birthday cards but never sending them. I don't know what to buy or say or do.The last time I bought Hope a gift was when she was first born, when my mom and I took some things we had purchased to the adoption agency and sent them for her. Since then, I have found myself going to the store with the intention of getting her something, and leaving empty handed as I search through the store and realize I have no idea what she likes.  I don't know what is right or wrong. I don't want to share too much or over cross my boundaries. I seriously don't know what the proper etiquette is when it comes to communicating with my daughter, especially when I don't know if her parents have shared with her that she is adopted. This is one of my struggles as it seems as though V & L are very protective and hesitant, even to send me pictures.
3. I completely understand the struggle that Catelynn and Ty are having with their families and their desire of involvement. When I found myself pregnant with Hope, I thought about how adding another child to the family would affect my immediate family. I thought about the adverse effects to everyone's lives, but never really thought about how it would be difficult emotionally. While placing a baby for adoption is an unselfish decision, I have come to realize how the adoption itself has been selfish. I find myself not wanting to share the pictures and letters I get. I don't want to include my family into any of my plan. I don't like when my family talks about the adoption or bad-mouths V&L for not sending more pictures because I PICKED THEM to be MY daughter's parents. I know that she is very much a part of them as she is of me, and that they are hurting as well, but I also feel like they have NO idea as to what it has been like to grow this baby in my tummy and place her in the arms of another family. Granted, they are in pain because they had no say in the decision I made, they have NO IDEA what pain I live with day in and day out and they choose to not acknowledge the fact that this hurts me more than them.

I find that the older I get, the more my mind races with things I didn't think about 6 years ago when I made my adoption plan. I think about how at this time, in 2005, I was meeting V & L for the first time and deciding that they were who my baby was going to call mom and dad. I didn't have much knowledge of adoption, I just knew that there was open and closed adoptions. When I heard about semi-open adoptions, I didn't know about what they entailed and thought that it only meant I was allowed pictures and letters. I had no clue that I could've possibly requested a face to face meeting once a year. If there's any regret I have, it's not requesting that option.

I feel that as the years go by, I want to see her. I want to hug her and kiss her and tell her I love her. I want to see for myself what a beautiful little girl she has become and I want to hear her laugh and see her smile. It weighs in heavy on my heart that I don't really know when the next time I will see her will be. I feel so sad at the fact that I was so uneducated about my options, and feel like now it's just a waiting game and lots of prayer to have the ability to meet her again.

Even though I am not a teen, I am thankful for Teen Mom and the fact that it shows me that the things I am going through and the thoughts I am having are normal, even at my age. I also like the fact that the show has helped J understand a lot more about adoption, in turn helping him understand a lot more about me. It has helped give him perspective and caused him to ask questions he probably wouldn't have thought to ask had it not been for the show. I just wish that each show wouldn't cause me to cry like a baby every time. lol

I am definitely looking forward to the rest of the season...

Crazy, Beautiful Life

"Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated."

~ Confucius

I know it has been a long time since I updated this blog. So much has happened over the past few weeks, I don't even know where to start. It's almost amazing how looking back at the past month, I have realized how many ups and downs I have gone through, yet am still standing, making it through it all.

Earlier this month, I had the opportunity to meet J's entire family. Every year, his family has a family reunion, which was at his house this year. In the 8 months I have been dating J, I had heard many stories about his family, whom he holds to such a high regard. It was very nice to meet every aunt, uncle and cousin he has talked about, although there were some that were missing. I have never, ever felt so welcomed and such a part of the family. I was grateful to have such an opportunity to meet some amazing people.

Of those amazing people, one of the biggest influences on what a great time I had was J's cousin, A. A and I had been Facebook friends for awhile before she and her family made it down to California from Colorado for family reunion week. A reminds me a lot of myself when I was her age (nearly 20) and she and I seemed to have hit it off right off the bat. We got to talk a lot, and the Facebook relationship we had built seemed to have only been strengthened by meeting in person. I am glad I took time off from work, which I rarely ever do, to go to the Orange County Fair, shopping, to Ports O Call, and to do more shopping with J's immediate and Colorado family. I had a great time, but had a really hard time saying goodbye when it was time for them to go back to Colorado. I cried the whole way home from J's house to mine, mostly because I was going to miss A and her incredible family, and also because I knew I wasn't going to be as busy as I was. Them being here in town meant me almost forgetting what has really been in the back of my mind... Hope's birthday.

I feel like as soon as J's family festivities were over, the weight of what is to come next month hit me like a ton of bricks. I have been on a roller coaster of emotions since the beginning of the month, and I almost feel overwhelmed by my thoughts and feelings. I wish there was a way to control it and to not let my feelings get the best of me, but I can't and I find that I am crying much more often than I have in a long time.

I recently got news that things at work are going to change. I'm not sure I could say much for the change other than I am having a hard time with the fact that they are letting someone go, whose spot I will be taking over. I feel bad that it's not because this woman is a bad employee, just that they felt I was a better one. Its been tough, and I am not looking forward to the adjustments and the change that is about to occur over the course of the next few weeks.

With all of that, and school, and a child, and keeping my wonderful boyfriend happy, I got to add getting into a car accident onto my list of things. Yup, I got into ANOTHER one. Not very fun at all, but I am ok and so is my friend, and that's all that matters. Ok, maybe not all that matters... I am sore and achy and I hurt all over. I wish this pain would go away, as its been nearly a week since the accident occurred, but it is looking like it will be awhile before it does. I am most grateful that I could walk and be as normal as I could possibly be, just without the ability to carry my big purse or heavy boxes. This accident, however, made me realize who my true friends are, as they are the ones who have sent me texts or phone calls or facebook messages, asking me if I was alright. I have decided that those who didn't care enough to even send a simple message aren't people I should worry about to spend my time or focus on. It was a great way to turn a "bad" thing into a good one, as I was able to figure out who truly cared about me.

I have had so many thoughts flying through my head lately, at such a high rate of speed that I can't even catch them and put them in any particular order. This may seem like "thought vomit" so here it goes, in no particular order:

• My relationship with J has been fabulous, as it seems to get better and better each day (when I'm not pushing him away due to my own personal issues).
• C is starting the third grade in just a few days and I am overwhelmed but excited for him.
• It is coming on to 5 months since I last received pictures of Miss Hope. I called the adoption agency and spoke to the woman in charge of pictures and letters and she said I should email them again. I have had an email sitting in my drafts box of my email, waiting for me to grab the courage and just send it.
• In addition to the changes at work, I am applying for a position at a call center for Options United, a non-profit pro-life agency in Pasadena, working the hotline for women who have found themselves in unplanned pregnancies. I am really excited for this opportunity, but I am scared at the same time, as I am afraid it will bring up old memories or pain from my past. But as I always say, if my life experiences could help just one person or change one life, my purpose in life has been served and completed.
• My relationship with my family is still crap. It's off and on and off and on. I feel like I have a better relationship with J's parents than I do my own, and they seem to care more about what is going on in my life than my own. It amazes me that my parents don't ever ask me how school is going, and that's all that J's parents ever ask me about each and every time they see me
• I am starting week 7 of my first class tomorrow. 3 more weeks left in this quarter. I cant believe how fast time seems to be flying
• My beautiful, sweet daughter will be 6 years old in 19 days. I am an emotional wreck, and I wish I wasn't. I hate crying and not being able to stop, almost for what seems to be no apparent reason for anyone who has to deal with me.
• J and I started playing a game that was probably the best thing I could've ever suggested. Each day for the past three and hopefully for the next 4 or 5 days, we pick 10 things that we love about the other and text them to each other. My plan is to eventually put all these things in a blog, for him and for me, so that when we are having a rough day, we can look at them and be reminded of all the amazing things the other person loves about us. I am excited for this new little project.

All in all, even though I have been through my share of "bad luck" these past few weeks, I am feeling blessed and fortunate to be able to walk, and live and love. I'm looking to probably get back to writing more since I know for a fact that I am going to need a place to vent my feelings and frustrations over the next few weeks. I just needed to get out all the crazy, beautiful things that are happening in my life.

Too Busy

It's so amazing how rapidly time flies and how rapidly things change. It seems like only yesterday, I was blogging about the decision to make a change in my life and start on my Bachelor's. Here I am, in the midst of week 3 out of my first ten week course, travelling full speed towards success. I'm making things happen, one day at a time, and I have never felt better about myself.

It feels so good to enjoy the fruits of my labor by seeing the grades I have earned weekly. Each 100 under my name is one step closer to getting an A, that I know I deserve.

With all this focus and time being spent on school, I have no time to be emotional over the fact that in about a month from now, my beautiful baby girl will be 6. No time to cry and be sad. Just time to be motivated and determined to finish and be one step closer to completing my goals. Once my goals are completed, I know I will have reached the ultimate happiness.

I really appreciate J and the support he has given me. It feels good when we find ourselves sacrificing our usual movie nights on the couch for homework time at the kitchen table. I love knowing that we keep each other balanced and that we are growing together. We are both making the sacrifices necessary to have that dream house, cars, vacations, and family that we always dreamed of. It is truly the best feeling to know that we are doing this together and plan on being there for every step of the way with one another.

I love my life, and I love the people who are actively in it. I love my amazing boyfriend and my wonderful son because they push me to strive for success and to reach my goals. The two of them, as well as little Miss Hope, make me want to be the best person I could possibly be and so much more. Yay for finally being in a good place in my life. It's so well deserved after all I have been through. Granted I am allowed my bad days, I don't desire to feel anything other than the way I feel right now - happy.

Filled With Love

It's currently 1:48am and I am wide awake. I just got in from a date with J and am still winding down, so I figured I would share my thoughts and feelings with the world, or whoever is awake at this hour :) (DISCLAIMER: I'm not drunk, or even near it...)

This was the first week in awhile that J had to actually work on a Friday. Between work and school for the both of us, as well as my emotions being so out of whack, it has been a rough week for us both. We saw each other on Tuesday for a random Happy Hour and study session, where I was able to get to brainstorm some ideas for his research paper that I am writing (that I should be finishing up right now), as well as to watch Teen Mom. I was pretty disappointed because I feel like my weekend doesn't officially start till when I am with him (cheesy, I know), so my unusually long and draining week seemed even longer till I saw him at C's soccer game today.

It feels really good to know that even though J worked a 24 hour shift yesterday, got off work this morning and went to school to complete a final, and went to get a haircut afterwards, he still wanted to be there for C's game, when he could have opted to stay home and rest for a bit. I find it to be so incredibly sexy to know that he cares about C on a level that no one else has ever cared for him before, including his own "father". To have a man in my life that doesn't mind going out of his way to support my son when he doesn't have to feels so good inside. I am an incredibly lucky woman and I thank God everyday.

One of my favorite comics of all time is Anjelah Johnson. She is hilarious and I have always had a dream of meeting her. I would have to admit, I have a major girl crush on her. Not only is she beautiful, she is funny and someone who I would love to have as a friend. When I found out she was going to be performing her standup show nearby, I jumped at the chance and bought a pair of tickets for J and I to go. I have never been to a comedy show, so I was excited that my first time would be to see her.

J and I made a date night out of Anjelah's show. After C's soccer game, we came to my house and I got ready really quick. It had been awhile since I had gotten pretty for J, so it felt good to put some makeup on and a dress. I know how much he appreciates and enjoys when I do. We went to Taps, a brewery and fish house, where we enjoyed some delicious drinks and an overpriced dinner. It was a little pricey, but we enjoyed our dinner on the patio of the restaurant, basking in the sunlight on a beautiful evening. I love how no matter what, it never feels like we are tired of each other. It quite frequently feels like we're at the beginning stages of our relationship, and I love it. The attraction I feel for him is so amazing. I have never felt butterflies this far into a relationship with anyone like I do with him.

After dinner, we walked over to the Improv and stood in line. We stood and talked and stood and I complained about how my feet hurt in my heels and we stood some more. I was adamant about getting there early because it was a sold out show. I wanted to make sure we got a good seat, and that we did. We stood in line for a little over an hour and were finally let it, and we were just a row away from the stage. I was so happy.

As excited as I was to go to the show, I didn't think I would've had as great of a time as I did. I haven't laughed as hard as I did in a long time. I had tears in my eyes from laughing so much. I was almost afraid I was going to lose a fake eyelash. It really feels good to be able to laugh like that with J by my side. The comedic relief was almost what we needed as I don't think either of us had laughed that much in awhile.

After the show, there was an opportunity to meet Anjelah. That was definitely an opportunity I didn't want to miss. J had left his card back at the restaurant, so he went back to retrieve it while I stayed in line. It meant a lot to me that he understood this how much it meant to me to meet her, and he even understood more when I wanted a picture with her and didn't include him in it, even though he mentioned "FAIL" a few times.

By the end of the night, I know that J was absolutely exhausted. My poor boyfriend looked beat. When we were driving and I tried talking to him and realized he had fallen asleep for a few minutes, I looked over at him and realized how much I love this man. Everything he has done and said to me and every moment we have gone through together for nearly 8 months came to my mind. I couldn't help but smile because I felt like I am the luckiest girl in the world.

Never in my life have I experienced or known a love like this. As far as I am concerned, I never even thought that it existed. I always thought that love as strong as ours only existed in fairy tales, and I especially never thought a girl like me who has been through as much as I have would have the opportunity to feel the way that I do, and to have someone feel the same way about me. I am so incredibly blessed that J loves and accepts me for all that I am and am not. I am blessed that he loves me as a single mom, a birthmom, a woman, and a person who has mistakes in her past, and that he never casts judgements on the bad choices I made prior to having him in my life. I love him for all the hardwork and sacrifices he has made to get ahead and I admire his dedication to a better life. I firmly believe that J is my soulmate and the missing piece to my puzzle and I couldn't imagine life any other way.

When and How

"The deepest losses offer the widest openings for us to receive the miracles in our midst."

~Tami Lynn Kent

Adoption has been on my mind a lot lately. I don't know if it is because I am growing more and more into a better parent and person, going to school, and being more serious about life. I keep thinking about Hope, and how she would fit into my life here and now. I keep wondering what she is like or if she is on vacation now that it is summer time. I wonder if she would be proud of me, like I am proud of myself for all the changes that have occurred in my life. I actually hope both of my children will be proud of me.

When I said goodbye to my precious angel nearly 6 years ago, I promised her I would be someone she would be proud of if we were to meet again. I told the newborn baby that I held in my arms and cried over about how I was giving her a better life so that I could give her brother a better life as well. It has been a struggle, and definitely a difficult journey, but I haven't ever regretted my decision, even now that I am more stable than I was before. I find myself thinking about her when I make decisions regarding my life, even if she is not with me physically, because regardless, she is definitely with me in my heart.

With all this talk about marriage and a life together with J, I think about how C will fit into the picture and be a part of our family portrait. I also can't help but wonder what part Hope will play into that picture as well. I pray that she will decide to come look for me one day, or that we will stumble across each other in the streets or even on Facebook. I have hopes that we will one day be able to have some sort of relationship, not as a mother/daughter, but like long lost family, or even as friends. I probably have too much time on my hands to think because I find myself wondering how it would affect the dynamic of my relationship with C, as well as with J, and possibly our future children. These are things I never had to think about, as I never saw a future with anyone like I see it with J.

I find that one of my biggest dilemmas as of lately is figuring out when and how I am going to tell J's family about Hope. He and I have been dating for over 7 months now and I don't think this relationship is going anywhere other than forward. The deeper and deeper I fall for him, I find myself wanting to be closer to his family, especially his mom, because she is a good Christian woman and he holds her to such a high regard. It was hard for J to tell his mother I had a child when we first started dating, especially since I am the first girl he has dated with a kid, so I know that dropping a bomb that I am a birthmother is even worse. I'm not even sure how to go about in doing this.

I think about all the things that could go wrong in sharing with J's mom my history. I am afraid she will judge me and not want her son to date me. I worry she will think I am dirty or promiscuous. I am afraid she will think I am hiding more things about myself, and I would hate it if she doubted me. I know that ultimately, it is J I am dating, and not his family, and as long as he accepts me and my past in its entirety, than nothing else should matter, but it does. I think that had he not had this close of a relationship with his parents, I probably  wouldn't be stressing over this, but I am. I find that I feel this way because my own parents judge me, so I honestly can't see myself NOT being judged by people who I respect and care for. I truly hope that wouldn't be the case.

I don't know how much longer I can go, carrying on this weight in my heart of not telling his parents about Hope. A part of me feels that by not telling them about her is like deceiving them of the truth and not allowing them to really get to know the real me. Being a birthmom is what has made me who I am, and on top of being a single mom is one of the biggest driving forces in my life to succeed. It's just about getting the guts to say out loud to people whom I respect that I made mistakes in my past and have to live with those choices everyday of my life. I hate that I let this get to me as much as I do, but it is weighing on me that I can't be open about myself very many people, which I guess why this blog is so important to me (which is MY issue entirely). I guess only time will tell and when the time is right, it will happen. I can only put my trust in God, once again, that things will be ok and they will still accept me the way they do now. Regardless of what happens, though, I am thankful to know that J is by my side, and even knowing my "deepest, darkest secrets", we are happy and in love.

Happy Face

I feel like I have so many things to write about, yet I don't know where to start from. Maybe from the beginning... wait, I'm not even sure what the beginning is... lol

J and I have been spending more time together. Well, actually, not this past week, but the week before, we saw each other nearly 6 days in a row. How's that for complaining about not seeing each other enough? lol Too bad that with the exception of a date to dinner and the movies that Thursday, we were hardly alone AT ALL all weekend. While I love, love, love spending time with my little family (J and C) as well as with J's nephew, I need some alone time with my honey for more than 5 minutes! Learning how to deal with that has definitely been a challenge!

Aside from all of that, we have been doing quite well. The topic of marrige has come up alot lately, and I have become even more obsessed with wedding and engagement photography sites, as well as have signed up for David's Bridal emails... (geeze, I'm such a loser). We went to a Dodger game with C a few weeks ago and they handed us a catalog from Daniel's Jewler and J said "I better look through this because 18 months will be here sooner than we know." It made me feel good to know that the topic of marriage is not just something I think about, but so does he. It's exciting that we both are working towards the same goal by taking care of ourselves so that we may be able to take care of each other, as well as have a family of our own. I have to admit, though, the thought of being his Mrs. gives me chills. He truly completes me.

We have been doing a lot more activities with C, and honestly, I find myself falling more and more in love with J through his interactions with my son. They get along so well, so much better than C has ever gotten along with any other male I have brought around him. They play well together and C loves to give "group hugs" between the three of us which really make my day. I love getting texts at the end of the night from J about how much C is growing on him, and it makes me happy to know that he doesn't just care about me, he accepts the whole package and really cares about him too. I have never before experienced such a positive dating experience with someone who truly cares about the lil guy who comes along with me, so it's pretty amazing that this is everything I could've ever asked for, and MORE.

Everything in my life seems to be falling into place. Work is work, and last week marked 5 years since I have been here. I have a love/hate relationship with my job at times, but I am thankful for the relationships I have built here. Most of all, I am thankful for all the free advice I get from all these therapists. I have really been learning a lot about myself and my relationships, with my boyfriend, my family and my friends. I do my best not to react on a whim and to think things thru a little more carefully before I say or do something without thinking. It's been amazing to see my growth during this time, and I am truly appreciative of all that this job has prepared me to be.

Speaking of preparing me, today marks my first OFFICIAL day of school. I am currently on my way to obtaining my Bachelor's degree and I couldn't be happier. I am excited and slightly overwhelmed with the idea that this next class is a whopping 6 units. I cannot remember the last time I wrote a quarter-long research paper, but I have obviously done it before, and I can definitely do it again. I am determined to make this college experience a success and not disappoint the people who are supporting me, including J, C, J's family and my parents. I know it won't be an easy path, but I am definitely looking forward to the challenge...

J will be done in two weeks with his first set of classes. It's amazing to me how quickly nearly 8 weeks have gone by. It's probably a good indication of how quickly 18 months will pass and how quick it will be before he is done with school. It seems like just yesterday I was obsessing over how much this would change our relationship, and even though it has, we have been able to work through it and around it to make the best and most out of our time together.

Time flying for J's schooling is almost as amzing to me as to how fast it seems we have gotten to 7 months in of our relationship. Last week marked our 7 month anniversary. J said that 7 months was a far greater milestone to him than 6 months. I think it has alot more to do with the fact that the longer we are together, the closer we get to the one year mark, which is definitely a major milestone. It's amazing how effortless this relationship has been. I mean, don't get me wrong, it has taken work on both parts, and definitely some learning to get us to where we are at today, but the ease as to which this relationship has come with has been so utterly amazing to me. We don't fight or argue, and if we get into any tiffs, it's usually because we are frustrated and miss each other. We do our best to maximize the little bit of time we get together, and I appreciate every single moment I get with him by my side, whether it's alone or with other people.

People always comment on how happy I look in my pictures on Facebook or even in person, and the best part about it is I FEEL that happy. I don't think I could say I've ever been this GENUINELY in my whole life. I feel so complete, and granted yes, there are things that are missing from my life like a degree and a fabulous job and a place of my own, but as of right now, I have what I need and it doesn't get any better than this.

A Year Ago Today...

I have been doing some major life reflections the past couple of days. It is probably because this morning, at 1 a.m., marked the one year anniversary of my car accident. I didn't think it would be a big deal, but subconsciously it is, probably because it marked a turning point in my life.

Before this past year, I wasn't necessarily a bad person, but I wasn't an outstanding individual either. I wasn't anyone who made such a particular difference that I'd be missed if I was gone. I was a mediocre mom and daughter who was so miserable with her life. I wasn't the best friend I could possibly be to some people and I did such a half assed job when I was at work. My ex boyfriend and I fought like crazy, especially after I found out he cheated on me. I felt like I didn't deserve better, like I was destined to be disrespected, and talked down to, and mistreated. I felt like it was my punishment for all the things I did wrong in life.

On June 27th of last year, my buddies and I got together to host a pool party. The party was a major fail, and everyone got super drunk, including my ex. Because I saw how intoxicated he was, I stopped drinking and was sober so that I could drive home at the end of the night. I drove him home to Whittier and we agreed I would take his car home and I'd bring it back the next day after work. I always took the streets home, but because I was so exhausted and had to work the next day, I decided to take the freeway because it was faster. BIG MISTAKE.

Traffic on the freeway was at a standstill. Apparently there had been an accident and the freeway was closed off. After a couple minutes of sitting there on the freeway, I noticed the car started to overheat, so I turned it off. Once the freeway opened up, I turned the car back on and it wouldn't start. I had left the lights on and the battery was dead. At this point, I was in the #2 lane of the freeway. I started freaking out as the cars around me started to move and I was stuck there. I called 911 and asked for help right away. It was 1 a.m. and cars were flying by me at 65, 75 mph. Granted I had my hazard lights on and was stepping on the brakes, but there is no worse feeling than knowing you are basically a sitting duck and could get hit at anytime. I kept looking into the rear view mirror and could see all the cars swerving to avoid hitting me. 3 minutes after my call to 911, I got a call from the CHP asking exactly where I was on the freeway. I told him and he said to stay calm and they'd be there shortly. 11 minutes after my initial 911 call, I called again. I was frantic and needed help. I knew I was going to get hit and there was nothing I could do to avoid it.

As I was on that second call to 911, a car swerved out of the way to avoid hitting me. Apparently, the car behind was following that car too closely, so closely that they never saw me, until it was too late. I got rear ended dead on, probably at the speed of 65mph if not a little more. As I sit here and think about the collision and the the force of the impact, I find it truly a miracle that I survived with nothing more than some rattled nerves and a sore back. I was in complete and utter shock that this had happened, all while I was on the phone with dispatch still. I sat in the car to take in everything that happened and could see the lights of the CHP doing a freeway closure in the distance. Some nice guys had stopped their truck and helped me out as well as the couple who had rear ended me. One guy walked me to the side of the freeway while the other guy moved the car to the shoulder. They waited with me until the CHP officers were able to get to us.

I called my ex to let him know that I had gotten into an accident. He started yelling at me about his car. He had his roommate drop him off at the accident scene, only to yell at me some more. I was in pain and shock. I couldn't believe what had happened to me, and all this guy could do was yell at me about how he knew it was a bad idea for me to drive his car home, and why would I take the freeway when I always took the streets. I just wanted to get home.

The moment I walked in my door and saw my dad, I bawled. I cried and cried in his arms. The reality of what had just happened to me hit me, and I almost couldn't believe it. The accident could've been so much worse. I could've been injured, even worse, I could've died. What would've happened to C? Would I have ever seen Hope again? So many feelings and emotions flooded me and I was as emotionally broken as bad as my body hurt.

The next morning after the accident, I went to the doctor to get checked out. I was in excruciating pain, physically and emotionally. I stayed home for a couple of days from work, but had to get back. I found that it hurt me to sit for too long, so I would come to work a few hours late and leave early. It was the biggest lifestyle change ever, as I felt I was unable to do a lot of things I had been able to do before, including simple things like carry my purse or even getting dressed quickly in the morning.

Not only did I change physically, I changed internally. I found myself to be more emotional than usual. I couldn't sleep because I would close my eyes and see the cars coming at me. I was beyond anxious and suffered near panic attacks while on the freeway, especially in the evening time. I couldn't even drive myself for nearly a month afterwards, I couldn't be alone for too long or else my mind would race and I would start thinking about all the things that went on. I had images of C living with no mom, or of Hope looking for her birth mom and being told she had died. I had replayed over and over and over what could've happened, and really questioned God as to why he kept me from harm.

After the initial shock and anxiety of the whole situation wore off, I started to see clearly. I was able to see that the choices I made in life weren't always the best and I was determined to make something out of myself. I was tired of wasting time, and realized that there was no better time than now to make up for lost time. I became a better mom by putting a higher importance on my son's priorities. I became a better friend my appreciating each and every person who sent me well wishes. I became a better daughter for appreciating my parents for all they did for me. I went back to school, I was happier at work, and eventually, after 3 months, I finally got out of the relationship that made me miserable. It was the most drastic change I had ever made, yet it was the one that made me the happiest.

Within the past year, I have strived to be a completely better person. I have made it a priority to appreciate every moment and every person who means something to me. I have learned that being happy is something I have to do for myself before I could let anyone else try to do it for me. I have also learned to work on the things I want to change about myself and accept that there are things I cannot change in others. I have done a better job at sorting out who my real friends are and who I really don't want to be associated with.

The biggest change of all during the past year is that I have learned to love myself, which has undoubtedly been the best change of all. Loving myself has allowed numerous opportunities to come my way, including opening my mind and my heart and meeting the man of my dreams. Never in a million years did I think I would meet someone, especially so soon after getting out of my previous relationship, who I love as much as I love J. I never thought I would meet someone who I could trust and respect who would in turn do the same for me. I never thought it was possible to feel the way I do for him. Yet I am head over heels in love and know this is who I would like to spend the rest of my life with.

So while I sit here and truly thank God for everything he has done for me, I reflect on all the amazing things I have accomplished during the past 12 months, as well as all the things on my to-do list that need to be checked off still. I strive not to take any moment I have for granted and to make the most out of my time. I aim to be the best person I could possibly be and do all the things I have always hoped I would achieve. I guess things happen for a reason after all......

June Gloom

The weather as of lately has been really weird. It's been gloomy, and cold, and then warm in the afternoons, and then cold again at night. It's really annoying when figuring out what to wear in the morning, and very hard to make plans to do something fun in the sun when there is really no sun. I guess my moods have been matching this weather lately, and I'm pretty tired of it.

I've had a pretty rough week or so. I'd like to attribute it to the fact that dad has been gone and I miss my morning and after work carpool buddy, but I don't think that's entirely the case. A lot has changed lately, and as I've said in a previous blog post, I'm not big on change.

Last week, J and I had a moment when I almost thought it was over for good. I can honestly admit, that the issue of pushing him away when I need him the most is my own. I wish I could change being that way, but it's hard. I've never been in such a healthy loving relationship, and am so used to people giving up on me when times get tough. I guess pushing him away kinda protects me from getting hurt and given up on. With all that he is going through trying to manage both a full time work and school schedule, I am trying to learn to adjust to the change in our relationship and accept that I am no longer a priority of his, but it is hard. We went from spending most of his days off together, to now seeing each other two days a week, if we are lucky. It's difficult because I feel like we have spent more time missing each other than actually together.

I've always firmly believed in the saying that people come into your life for a reason. We got a new intern at work who started last week. She was explaining to me that she has been in a long distance relationship with her boyfriend over the course of the past year or so. She's here in California, and he is in D.C. She said that they have regularly scheduled Skype dates and that they see each other one every month or so. She says it's been difficult, but that it is worth it because they love each other. Talking to her and hearing her story made me appreciate our situation. While we are not across the country from one another (although sometimes it feels like that), seeing each other once or twice a week is a whole lot better than once a month. I realized that the sacrifices we are making right now are going to be worth it in the long run when we are both successful and (hopefully) married with a family of our own. I have decided that rather than complain about the time apart from one another, I need to suck it up and just appreciate the time we do have, as well as be a strong woman, and help my man instead of give him more problems to add to his plate.

In addition to our relationship issues, I have been feeling pretty lonely. I realized that because my time with J has been so limited, I have so often turned down opportunities to do things with my friends. Since J had plans to take his dad out on Saturday night for Father's Day (since he had to work on Sunday), I found myself with free time, and an urge to go out and have a good time. I text about 5 different female friends, and all of them were "busy" doing other things. I felt like long gone are the days of including me in their plans, and it is certainly understandable. I have comfortably fallen into the cycle of relationship life, and I no longer fit in with my single friends. I know that I can count on those girls if I really really needed them, but expecting to be included in their plans like before is out of the question.

On top of all of that, my family issues have really been getting to me as well. I feel like the moment dad is gone, my siblings take it as an opportunity to take advantage. I hate how disrespectful they are and cannot stand how they walk all over my mother. I hate that when they are home, I lock myself away in my room, drowning in Army Wives episodes on Netflix on my laptop. I wish I had a real family. One who loved and supported each other, during both the good and bad times. I have told J several times that I find it very sad that I feel more comfortable being at his house, eating dinner with his family, than I do with my own. Its highly disturbing and heartbreaking that I don't even trust my family.

Yesterday was Father's Day. It was the first Father's Day that my dad wasn't here for, and frankly, that depressed me more than anything. He sent me a text yesterday morning, from Mexico, that said that he wished he could have a talk with his dad (who passed away a few years ago) so that he could see what a good man and good father he has become. He said that even though we don't agree on things sometimes, he will always love me. It made me miss him so much more to know that it will be another week before I get to give him a hug.

All dad wanted for Father's Day was for the 5 of us to do something together, to celebrate him even though he wasn't here. Upon getting ready, I realized that half of my makeup stash is missing. Absolutely GONE. Along with a lot of my wardrobe. I was so angry and frustrated that I work hard to buy things for myself, and to find it all missing. It is heart breaking and absolutely irritating that my sisters have found a way to break into my room and steal my things and my mom doesn't do anything about it. I guess my frustration erupted in a not so nice way. Mom suggested we go to Applebees. I don't like Applebees so I said so. Little did I know that would begin World War III. I got called names by my sisters. They said I was ungrateful and not a part of the family, so I said fine, I'm not going. I'm not going to sit at a table and pretend like I am happy. I felt really bad because it was my dad's wish for us to be together, but I just couldn't do it. They left, and took C with them, and I locked myself away in my room crying because I really can't stand my living situation much longer.

It really hurt me when I got a text from my mom after they got home saying: "I really wish you had gone with us. One day I will find out why you hate me so much. I'm sorry for whatever I did to make you feel like that. I still love you" and again, another text from her this morning asking: "Are you still very upset at me? Can we be friends again?" That's when it hit me that one of the main problems our family has is that probably because we are grown now, my mom is no longer trying to be a mom, and is desperately trying to be a friend. I don't need a friend. I need my mother. I need her to set boundaries and to give me the support that I need. I need her to understand that just because I am independent does not mean that I don't care about her or that I don't want her in my life. I need her to understand that not only do I need her to be a mom, she needs to be a mom to my sisters instead of their friend. That's why it's so easy for them to manipulate and control her, because she wants their acceptance rather than set up boundaries and make them follow them.

Looking at the situation, from the outside looking in, I realize how much our family needs therapy. They can use me as a scapegoat and blame me for their issues all they want, but I know within myself that they just don't want to take accountability for their own problems. It's not my fault they can't get a job or do something productive with their lives. It's not my fault they are in relationships that are unhappy and verbally abusive. They can blame it all on me getting pregnant at a young age and my choice to place Hope for adoption without consulting anyone else, but blame and the lack of accountability will get them nowhere in life.

The sun has finally peeked through the clouds, and the morning June gloom has finally gone away. I think by writing and sharing my feelings about all that has been bothering me has helped me realize a lot of things. I have a lot going for myself. I am strong and determined, motivated to make a difference for myself and my son. I am doing my best to wake up every day and live my life the way I want it to be lived, as I know that only I can make my life the way I want it to be. Only I can be held accountable for my actions, for the good and the bad that I do. I can't let anyone, or anything affect me or try to stop me from reaching my goals. Bye-bye, June gloom. There's only room for sunny days on this calendar.

Everything is Changing

So many things have been changing lately. I can't even really explain all the things I feel inside. I am happy and sad, angry, resentful, lonely, yet proud, and supportive. What am I talking about? Pretty much everything, I guess.

A few weeks ago, on Memorial Day weekend, C went away for the weekend with my parents, so J and I finally got to spend 4 straight days with each other. It was the first time in the entirety of our relationship that we had been apart from the moment he dropped me off on Saturday night to Friday afternoon. The first night, Friday, we went to dinner and to see the Hangover 2. It was a good time, but I felt almost like we had the awkwardness of a first date all over again. It was a totally abnormal feeling that we were eventually able to shake off by the end of the night. The next day, Saturday, J had school and picked me up when he was done so we could enjoy a night "away" together. Our "night away" was actually a "staycation" at a really nice hotel I have really fallen in love with in Long Beach called Hotel Maya. It was beautiful, the weather was fabulous, but things once again didn't feel completely right.

The Saturday night we spent out in Long Beach, ended up with us heading to a restaurant with "happy hour" and the UFC fight. While there, J and I made friends with the couple sitting next to us at the bar. Before I knew it, J was pretty tipsy and the night wasn't so fun anymore. We went back to the room, and eventually fell asleep, him on one side of the bed, and me on the other, no longer cuddling like we used to when we were able to get time alone together. The morning consisted of us getting up, getting ready and meeting his brother and nephew at the beach. Needless to say, I was very disappointed by the lack of passion and desire we once had for each other. I was very hurt and heartbroken, as I felt like he was no longer attracted to me like he once was.  As it is, J and I rarely can spend the night together, and the one night he had me, he didn't want me. It was the first time in this relationship that I wasn't confident about US and where we were headed.

The rest of our Sunday was eventful. We met up with J's brother and nephew at Bolsa Chica Beach. It was super windy so we left and headed to J's house where we laid out by the pool to continue our tans, had some dinner, and attempted to watch tv despite the burns on our legs from too much sun. On Monday, I was back at J's for a Memorial Day bbq, but I didn't quite feel like myself. I was more quiet and reserved, not the girl I usually I am. I guess I had a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions in my head and they wouldn't cease to exist, so I was better off keeping my mouth shut. I was still hurt about the lack of sex from our mini getaway, and I didn't know how to shake it off.

The following week was our 6 month "anniversary". I made him a picture book of all the cool things we have done together during the past 6 months we have been dating. I put in pictures of our first date, random text messages and museum pictures. I wrote to him about how I felt about him and how I look forward to the future. I cried when I gave it to him. It meant alot to me and I felt that by giving him that book, I gave him a physical piece of my heart.

The "anniversary" weekend was uneventful, pretty much like any other weekend, nothing different. I don't know if I was expecting it to be different, but I do know that at the end of it, I was slightly disappointed. Am I expecting too much for him to acknowledge what a milestone 6 months is? or was that only significant to me? Maybe I should've just known better than to think he would assume the importance of reaching such a milestone. He's not a mind reader, and I can't honestly expect him to know what I'm thinking, yet I feel stupid if I explain to him how I feel about these things.

Here we are, a week and a few days later. Things are getting more difficult the deeper J gets into school - for me and for him. Last week was another 6 days without each other week, and to top it off I was really sick. All I wanted was to be in his arms and to have him take care of me, and I didn't get that. I feel selfish to complain about how I feel like I am at the bottom of the totem pole. I feel like I am no longer important to him and that I am more of a distraction to him than anything. I feel that by opening my mouth and telling him that I feel lonely and sad and depressed about our relationship situation, I am failing as his girlfriend. I can't fail, I have to be strong to get him through this, even if it means putting my feelings aside. I keep asking myself if this is a test from God, to see how truly strong I am. If it is, it's not a nice one.

I really just want to be happy again. I miss the days of us rolling around in the sheets together, being in each others arms till its late and time to go home. I miss feeling like I am important to him. I miss the days of exploring new places and things together, and even going to the gym together. I am really trying my best to stay strong. I don't plan on giving up because I know what a good thing I have in him, yet I am so afraid he will give up on me for not being a good enough girlfriend. I struggle with trying to figure out how to be a "good enough girlfriend" for him. I've never been in this situation before, and I don't know how to not be selfish just a little bit.

Sigh...

I'll get through this. No, scratch that, WE'LL get through this.... With bumps, bruises, and scrapes, I don't plan on leaving his side.  I can only pray that he'll still want me there at the end of it all.

Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

It has been 3 1/2 days since I last saw J. The last time I saw him was Saturday, when he and I went to the movies after C's soccer game. Sadly, the next time I will see him will be Friday afternoon - I HOPE! This is probably the longest we have ever gone in our whole relationship without seeing each other.

I realized today how much I miss him. I mean, i've known all along how much I miss him, but today it really hit me how much. I'm so used to seeing him multiple times a week, and so just the thought of going 5 1/2 days without each other is tough. I'm pretty bummed out and super grumpy about this change. Before J started school, I had a feeling it would be like this, but I didn't think it would be this difficult for me.

With J having started the program, he is inundated with assignments that he needs to work on. That and the financial strain of the cost of his education on top of his regular expenses has made it difficult to come out and see me like he would. I completely understand the situation, and wish that there was something I could do to change it. But at the moment, there isn't.

One of the things J always makes fun of is that I think alot. I overthink and over analyze and think of worst case scenarios. I'm a nut, I know, but I can't help it. Its one of my flaws. I have come to the realization that during the past nearly 6 months, the burden of seeing each other has fallen on his shoulders since I don't have a car. We don't live very close to each other (25 miles between our houses) and yet he manages to pick me up and take me out to wherever we go. Granted it was like this in the old days of dating, where men courted women, I don't like that this has been his role. I feel helpless and stuck. I wish I had a car so that I could come to him when need be, and the burden could be shared between the both of us. Unfortunately, it's not an option at the moment.

I think what has really made me miss him more is that lately, I have been seeing quite a few blogs and articles containg engagement and wedding pictures. I have always enjoyed living vicariously through those pictures, probably because I always felt like I would never be so lucky. Never in my life have I wanted to be in my own set of pictures like I do with him. I think about all the possibilities for engagement photos and wedding locations. I'm a dork.. which is funny because never in my life have I thought about those things for myself.

Nearly 6 months into our relationship, I KNOW deep in my heart that J is the one for me. I know that I cannot go a day without hearing from him through text, im, or phone call. I know that he is the one who makes me smile and laugh when I'm having a blah day. He is the one who gives me strength when I feel like giving up. He motivates me to be the best person I could be, in all aspects of my life. I love who I am when I am with him, and I love the way he makes me feel. More importantly, I love that C is so comfortable around him, and I appreciate how protected he feels when we are with him. I can't imagine what my life would have been like without him in it. He truly inspires me to do the best I can because the end result is spending the rest of our lives together, and I want nothing more than that.

I never imagined my life wanting to wake up next to the same person everyday. I never thought about sharing a home and a family with someone. I never desired the things that I desire with him. Here I am, the girl who swore up and down growing up that I would never get married or have children, being a mom and hoping to one day be a wife... not just any wife, HIS WIFE.

Oh wow, that was just weird to say out loud. lol

It's almost amazing what a few days apart will make you realize. It has made me realize that J has taught me how to love whole heartedly. Little by little, he is teaching me that it's ok to trust and let go of all that I have held onto from my past. He is truly the sunshine on my dark and cloudy days. While I can't predict the future, and I know that the road ahead of us will be tough, I really hope that this relationship works out in a way that we both want it to. I am slowly learning to take life as it comes without having to overanalyze everything, and to be ok with opening up completely to him. I have to learn that if for some reason it doesn't work, then I take what I learned from him and US and apply it to the rest of my life. BUT, I doubt we won't work out, we're just way too awesome together...

Trust

"You may be deceived if you trust too much,

But you will live in torment if you do not trust enough"

~ Frank Crane

Never has a quote it in perfectly with what I feel at the moment. My constant thoughts and worry seem to be getting the best of me and I find myself to be greatly tormented by my lack of trust in my relationship.

In the past 5 1/2 months I have been dating J, never have I found myself to be so in love with someone the way I am in love with him. Never have I imagined a future with anyone the way I do with him. Never have I wanted more for myself the way I want it with him. It's a great, yet scary feeling. I have opened up myself in a way that has made me extremely vulnerable and easy to hurt. I don't ever want to hurt the way I have in the past. My heart simply cannot take that sort of pain after all I have been through in my life.

Why am I so worried about this? Why can't I just trust in him and in God that this will work out the way I want it to? Why is it so hard to let go of my insecurities and have a just take it as it comes approach to life? It would be so much easier to be carefree and not worry about something I cannot control. Unfortunately, that's not in my nature. I am constantly finding myself fighting with the voice in the back of my head that is telling me to be careful. I don't want to be careful, but I do. It's definitely a battle.

My stomach hurts with anxiety, and I am making myself go crazy with thoughts of worst case scenarios. I've been told that me not trusting him will make him do the very thing I'm scared of him doing. I find that it's not that I don't trust him, because I do, or else I wouldn't be in a relationship with him. I think it's the fact that I don't trust the fact that something good could actually happen to me, because they never have.

I look back at the people I have trusted in my life: friends, family, exes. I have been hurt and deceived by so many people. I find it so hard to believe that anyone could care about me like I care about them. I find it hard to fathom someone loving me as much as I love them. I struggle with the thought that there are actually good people in the world who won't hurt me, because I have yet to come across very many of those types of people in my life, even in my own immediate family.

I tell J all the time that I am damaged goods. I have been through so much in my life and I wish I could let go of all the pain I have been through in my past that has made me the way that I am. I wish I could start fresh and be brand new, but the truth is that my heart comes with battle scars and plenty of wounds. I wish more than anything that I could let go of all the pain I have felt in my life because I know it is a huge factor in what still keeps weighing me down. 

I am trying my hardest to believe in J and the fact that he is truly different than anyone I have ever met, which is why I am so in love with him. I am doing the best that I can to recognize that the issue is within me, and not in him. In all actuality, he has done as much as he can to show me that I can trust him, but it is still scary to completely put 100% of my trust in him. There is still a lot about him that I don't know and that's obvious, because it has really only been 5 months since we first started dating. I think about how much faith I have in US, but I am scared as hell that the moment I completely let my guard down, I will get hurt.

I can't stop the tears from falling from my eyes, as I sit here and wonder if I will ever allow the walls that have been built over the past 28 years to come down. I don't want to be so scared and vulnerable all the time because it isn't a good feeling. It's going to take a lot of work on my part for that change to happen, and I don't know how long it will be before I can believe that I won't get hurt. I just hope I don't lose a great guy in the process of it all....

Facing Fears

"The key to change… is to let go of fear.” –Rosanne Cash

I've been doing quite a bit of thinking lately. I've been so focused on the inevitable change we're about to face now that J is about to start school. I've been so caught up in his life that I haven't focused on mine. Why should he go on to make things happen for himself and me not do the same? Why would he want someone with no drive to succeed in her life? I'm smart and am filled with determination to make something out of myself.... or was that all talk?

This semester, I registered for a full load of classes, boasting about how I really didn't have too many left to do so that I could transfer. On top of a full time job, full time child, and full time boyfriend, I thought I would be brave and add a full course schedule. Oh how I was so ridiculously wrong. After a few weeks of going full speed, I crashed... and burned. I ended up so completely overwhelmed, I had to drop classes because I was so behind. This made me feel like such a failure. I did so well last semester and was so proud of myself, and this completely ruined my self-esteem. It's no wonder I have been so scared of the change we are about to face. I didn't want to be left with nothing to be proud of for myself.

The day of C's First Communion, my aunt and I had a talk about school. She was telling me I needed to hurry up and get out of the community college. She said I needed to transfer and move on with my life already. I knew it needed to be done, but it was a wake up call resonating in the back of my mind this past week and a half. That mixed with the fact that J started school on Saturday and the thought of wanting to move forward with my life and be someone C (and Hope) could be proud of got the wheels in this head of mine spinning.

I had to stop being afraid of change. I needed to take a step forward with my future and make my life different than what it currently is. I needed to just get up and say "F*@! IT" and do what I gotta do to get ahead.

Today, I put my fears aside and took a step forward with my life. I applied for Capella University, an online college a friend of mine recently obtained a Masters degree from. I got all the information necessary and decided it would be a great fit for me and my busy lifestyle. My goal will be to obtain a Bachelors in Arts in Public Service with a focus in Criminal Justice, my original major that I chose to pursue right out of high school. I figured that since Capella doesn't offer a Social Work program, I could finish off the Criminal Justice degree and get my Masters in Social Work when I am done. My projected end date, if all my classes transfer, is 2 to 2.5 year from now and I'll have a Bachelors degree in my possession. Whoa... talk about a change, right?

I'm a little overwhelmed with this decision. It was a big decision to make on my own. I consulted with J to get his opinion on my decision, especially because this means I will incur some debt in student loans. He totally supported my choice and said whatever debt I take on from this we will deal with (he also joked that he would pimp me out to pay for both of our student loans). With that, I made the move and spoke with an enrollment counselor and next thing I knew, I was going through the application process. Next step is financial aid.

Omg!

I'm actually doing this. If all goes well, I will be starting school on July 11th. Do I even believe this is happening? Not yet. At least not until I have confirmation that this is really going to happen. I am excited and nervous, but so thankful to finally be able to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I am determined to complete this with success, moreso because I have so many more things I would like to accomplish with my life.

I'm not planning on telling anyone other than whoever is reading this blog about this step in my life. I plan on letting people believe I am going to community college to obtain my Associates and slapping them in the face with the diploma that says I'm ready for the next step. My goal is to prove to everyone who thought I would always be a failure wrong and show them, as well as myself and my children that the mistakes I have made in my life shouldn't have had to determine what my future would be like. So yay me, for taking a chance and making a change. It won't be an easy road ahead, but getting to my destination will be worth so it in the end.

Scared of Change

"It is not the strongest
of the species that survive,
nor the most intelligent,
but the one most responsive to change."

CHANGE....

ugh, I HATE that word. I hate that in life, it is inevitable. I hate that it could mean so many things. It could be good. It could be bad. It could be anything.

In this case, change means that J is on his way to embarking on a new endeavor. One that will open many doors and possibilities, and will bring him a better future. In about 8 hours, he will be attending orientation for the program he will be going to school for for the next 18 months. In addition to his three 24 hour shifts at work (Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday), he will be adding a discussion board on Monday, an online class on Wednesday and an all day class till 4:00pm on Saturdays. He will definitely be busy.

I just got home from spending the latter part of my day with him. We literally spent 10 hours of our time together, really enjoying each other's company. We cuddled and talked and napped, truly indulging in each other's presence, but in the midst of it all, in the back of my mind, I was worried. What am I so worried about? I should be a happy, loving and supportive girlfriend, appreciative of every moment spent together. There's no reason to be worried... or is there?

As it is, J and I don't have very much time together. I am stuck working an 8-5 job most of the week (except for Friday when I get off at 2pm). He's working 7am-7am 24 hour shifts starting Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday mornings. That leaves us with some Mondays after I get off of work to hit the gym together, Wednesdays to hang out or go to the gym, and Fridays and Saturdays to enjoy each other's company (thats if he doesn't switch shifts at work). Well, that's all obviously going to change. Internally, I'm freaking out about it.

I know that while it is entirely selfish, and I honestly hate feeling the insecurities of worrying about the inevitable change that is bound to happen in our relationship. I understand that he will need my support now, more than ever, to get through the next 18 months of hard work and dedication to succeeding through this program and a new career. I know that I shouldn't worry because I trust him and know that he's not only doing this for himself, but for me and our future together as well. It's just scary to not know what's going to come. It's scary to think of so many things that could go wrong. It's awful to think of all the scenarios that play out in the back of my mind of things that could go wrong, even if I do my job to be the best girlfriend I could be. I have faith in our relationship, that we are stronger in 5 months more than some couples are in 5 years.

It's scary when I think about all I have witnessed in life. I have seen all too often where a woman supports a man through schooling, or training, or something that will better his life. She is usually a strong woman who makes whatever sacrifices she can to be the rock for her man in his time of need. In many instances, I have seen where the guy has gotten through it and dropped his rock at the end of it all, for someone better, thinner, prettier, younger, or someone he has gone to school or training with, because she "understands".

I went into this relationship knowing that J wanted to better his life and career. It wasn't something that was just sprung up on me all of a sudden. It is one of the factors that made me fall in love with him. His strong desire to succeed and have more in life. He is goal driven and inspired to be someone more than what he is today, and I love that so much about him. I have to keep reminding myself that J is in fact different than anyone I have ever let into my life, let alone my heart. He is someone who I know won't let me down, and we will get through this change in our lives together. I need to remind myself to stop being selfish, and use this time away from each other to better myself, because no man, including my own, will want a future with someone who isn't as driven and motivated to succeed as he is.

The time spent away from one another will definitely suck. The change will definitely not be an easy one. As scared as I am of it all, the time is here for it to happen and I have to let go of all my insecurities and be the best "rock" I can be for J. I know it will be a long road ahead of us, but we will make it through. At least I hope we will....

Getting Through

It's FINALLY Monday! I made it through and survived another Mothers Day. It took a lot of tears to get here, but it is over and done with for another year. Yay, for crossing another Hope-less Mother's Day off of the calender.

Getting out of bed yesterday was pretty rough. I woke up and the immense weight of the day and its meaning to me held me down. I didn't want to get up and do anything. I figured that if I hid out under my covers, the day would pass in an instant and Monday would come quicker. Yeah, not so much. Yesterday seemed like the longest day of the year to me.

Regardless of how much I miss Hope, I am still C's mom. Spending the day hibernating doesn't dismiss me of my motherly duties. I had no choice but to get out of bed, especially to go to church with him and mom. It took some struggle, but I got dressed and went to mass. I had to, especially since he had just done his First Communion the day before. I was so thankful that it wasn't such a Mothers Day focused mass and I was able to escape without getting watery eyes.

After getting through church, mom wanted to pick up stuff so we could barbecue at home. I felt like a zombie as we walked through Costco. It was the weirdest feeling to be walking around with my head up in the clouds. What was I thinking about? I have NO idea, but mentally, I wasn't there. We couldn't have finished shopping any quicker. The moment we got home was the worst. I went to my room and cried and cried and cried until I had no more tears left in me. It was the worst when my mom came in to check on me and tell me that she wanted me to spend time with the family, She saw that I was crying and asked what was wrong, and I started sobbing uncontrollably. She knew exactly what was wrong, and said, as nicely as possible, that she knows it's Mother's Day and that I am sad, but that I have to celebrate being the mother of the child I do have. She couldn't be more right, but I didn't want him to see me so sad. I wiped my tears and washed my face and went to spend time with the family. We had dinner and soon afterwards, I felt sick to my stomach. I couldn't stop throwing up after dinner. It was the first time my emotions made me physically sick.

Through all of this, all the anger I felt I took out on J. I was angry that he wasn't with me to save me from the pain I felt. I was mad that he had no clue as to what I was going through. I guess I was expecting him to be my prince charming and save me from such despair. I was a bitch through text. I was irritated that he didn't call me and just texted me. Everything bothered me and I took out all the anger and frustrations I had on him, which totally wasn't fair to him. Through a few mean texts, and a moment where I hung up on him, he sent me this text (which I hope he's ok with me sharing):

"If I could write a blog about dating a single mom and a Bm it would go like this ....Being in a relationship with a single mom and Bm has its challenges. There is no book out for me to deal with a single mother nor is there a book dealing with a Bm ...being selfish is out the window, something that I have done in the past. Knowing that there will alwAys be someone that comes before you is something I have learned to adjust to...I have asked myself at times if I'm ready to be with a single mother. Unlike other single mothers, M has no baby daddy drama which makes me love her more. Yes, lil C has been raised all alone with one person playing mom and dad, and with help of her parents she makes it. I see the struggle she endures on a daily bases, a lot of which I don't think many people could deal with. All I can say or do is promise her things will get better... That is just one aspect I have to deal with. M is also a bm. Birthmom is something I have never heard of until I met M. This aspect of her life is really a struggle bc I don't have anyone to ask for guidance on how to deal with my love crying and the hot and cold mood changes ...I don't know if I'm saying the right things or the right things that should be said ...all I can hope for is that in time I can be and deal with her better ...."

Needless to say I was in tears when I read this. I'm even in tears now I as I share this. It's amazing that after 5 months I know that J is the one person I can't see my life without. I haven't been the nicest person to him and he still managed to show me how much he cares about me. Underneath his manly gorilla ways, he has a soft heart and is sensitive to my needs, even if his response isn't immediately what I want. I have to remember that this is new to him and to most anyone else who isn't a birthmom, and I can't expect everyone to understand. I am thankful that he acknowledged not understanding and promised that it won't be like this next time around. I felt relief in knowing that he planned on there being for a next time around :)

All in all, I got through one of the most dreaded days of the year and I am determined to go back to normal. Actually, I almost feel normal this morning as I get my day started. I have nothing but gratefulness for the amazing love and support I have from the people who matter most. I am happy to know that while a piece of my heart will always be missing, the rest of my heart is filled to the brim with love and affection from the people who truly love and care about me. I really am a very lucky girl.

It's Mother's Day

"She never quite leaves her children at home, even when she doesn't take them along."
  ~Margaret Culkin Banning

Today is Mother's Day. ::insert deep, heavy sigh here::

I woke up a couple of hours ago to text messages from friends, and even J's family, wishing me a Happy Mother's Day. I was given a handmade pencil holder by C, and a single red rose from my dad. While I am so thankful for the wonderful well meaning wishes from people (because after all, I AM a mother), I am also reminded of the piece of motherhood I am missing out on.

Yesterday was Birthmother's Day. It was also C's First Communion. Since I got off of work at 2pm on Friday, I had been on the go, go, go of last minute preparation for his special day. Last minute shopping, cleaning, etc. had kept me busy till 3:30am Saturday morning. Wake up time was 6am, because we had to be at his school by 7:30 for pictures, and the ceremony was to start at 9am. We had reservations for breakfast at 10:30 for our group of 15. It was nice to be able to celebrate C's accomplishment with family and J by my side.

After breakfast, everyone came to our house and stayed... all day. It was a long day, being run on only 2.5 hours of sleep. It was well worth it, though, to see such a smile on C's face. It also was nice to give J and my family the opportunity to get to know one another. I felt bad because he was exhausted since he had just come off of a 48 hour shift, but I didn't want him to leave. I knew that the moment he left would be the moment I'd feel the weight of the underlying meaning of the day. Having him around provided me with the escape from the thoughts that suffocate me.

The moment J left, I wanted him to come back and stay by my side and not stop holding me. But, that only happens in fairy tales. I was disappointed in the fact that he knew that the day was Birthmother's Day (he has been reading this blog), and he knew how emotional I was about it, and not once did he mention it until I text him on his way home and told him how disappointed I was about it. Granted, I understand it may be hard to figure out what to say to someone. I don't know if I'd really wish someone a HAPPY Birthmother's Day because, honestly, its not something I'm entirely happy about. But still, I wish he would've just acknowledged it.

I wish anyone other than my fellow birthmothers would've acknowledged it. But I guess that's such a far fetched idea because its not a widely known day.

Today is a new day, and I didn't think it would phase me, as I had gotten through Birthmother's Day and today is Mother's Day. Today is the day to celebrate me being C's mama, and my mama, and every other mom in the world. But just because it's Mother's Day, doesn't mean I can stop thinking about the fact that in my heart, I am also Hope's mama.

It's the hardest thing to explain, even to someone who probably understands. I am a mom. I have woken up in the middle of the night when C has been sick or couldn't sleep or needed a drink of water. I have stood by his side at doctor's appointments for shots, or when he needed breathing treatments, and checkups. I love him with all of my heart, making every sacrifice I can to ensure he has the best life I could possibly give him. He is my everything, and the main motivating factor for me to never give up, even in the shadows of my darkest days. Sadly, though, I feel like I am not 100% the best mom ever, and I feel that its because a piece of my heart is somewhere else.

The missing piece of my heart belongs to the little girl who grew in my tummy for 9 months. The one who I would feel kicking inside of me, growing and growing till my tummy (and every other part of me) was huge. She's the little girl who I gave birth to and held in my arms and promised a better life for. The one who I told was blessed with two guardian angels, instead of one like everyone else. She's the angel who I placed in the hands of another woman so that she could call her "mom" from that day forward. She is the little girl I think about every day of my life for the past 5 1/2 years. The one who I daydream about meeting again one day. She is the ray of sunshine in my life who I have no guarantee of meeting in the future, but who I hope knows that I did what I did out of love.

I am hoping to get out all the tears before I continue on with my day, but I highly doubt it. I can't stop crying, and so badly want the day to be over with. But in the words of C yesterday, "Today is my day, and tomorrow is yours and grandma's day". I have to be strong for him, because it is my day to celebrate the past 8 years of holding the best job title God could have ever given me.