Teen Mom = Story of My Life

Anyone who truly knows me, knows how much I love the MTV show, Teen Mom. I have been following these girls since they started on 16 and Pregnant. I feel as though I have a connection with each of the girls on the show, as I find that they each represent a struggle I've been through or am going through. I have even blogged about the show for the Birthmom Buds blog and about how much the show has helped me start the grieving process as a birthmom, as I found that I could really relate to what Catelynn and Tyler were going through.

I find that almost each episode of Teen Mom has me in tears, as the girls are always facing something I could relate to. Last night's show was no different, in fact, I think it hit me harder than usual for some reason. I found myself relating to Farrah, as she wants to move away to start a life of her own. While I don't always entirely agree with the girl and her choices or the type of person she is, I completely understand her desire to get away and do things on her own. I am 28 years old and finding that I wish I could get away and live life on my own with C. I feel like my parents have some sort of control over me because they help me out with C so much. It's been nearly 8 years since he was born, and I feel like they always hold it over my head that they help me out and I wish I was as ballsy as Farrah to just say I want out. If it was affordable enough to have a place of my own and still afford C's tuition, I probably would be able to make that happen.

In last night's episode, Maci was talking about wanting to have babies with Kyle. She saw the way that Kyle is with Bentley and how he would make a great dad. She talked about wanting to have a baby that was theirs, one she didn't want to have to share on the weekends. I feel like I could relate. While I don't have to share C with his "dad" the way that Maci has to share custody, I do see the way that J is with C and I can't help but fall in love with him over and over again, as he is amazing with him. I see so many qualities in J that make me realize what an amazing dad he would be to his own children; Qualities that make me see what an amazing husband he would be as well.

During the show, Maci had dinner with her friends and told them about how she and Kyle had the baby talk. They were somewhat shocked and reminded her of the pain and suffering she went through with Ryan, her ex. They reminded her of the nights he wouldn't come home and left her at home to take care of their child. He got to go out and be a teenager while she had to stay home and grow up. No woman ever expects their man to walk out on them when they are pregnant with their child. No woman expects to raise a child on their own. No woman ever really plans on having to deal with the trauma of realizing that their man just isn't ready to grow up, while at that point, there's no choice and growing up and being responsible is the only option.

Maci's friends told her they didn't want to see her go through the same things she had gone through in the past with Kyle. It made me think about my own life and why after I had C, I always said I didn't want more children. I've always had the fear of being put in the same situation I found myself in 8 years ago. I don't want to ever have to raise another child alone again. It's been a long and difficult road and the last thing I want is to have to do it again without someone by my side. Being with J has made the worry and fear go away enough for me to be able to talk about wanting a family and babies of our own. It has made it a lot easier to discuss marriage and what the next step of our relationship would be. It's amazing how much trust I have in him and how much faith I have in the future outcomes of this relationship. It's a feeling I have never in my life felt, and while it is scary, it feels right. I know that he would be a great dad like mine was. I know that he will be an amazing husband like my dad has been to my mom. I know that we make a great team and I am no longer afraid of having to raise another baby alone (when we get to that point), because I know that J would never let that happen.

One of the biggest things about last night's show that has really affected me and has been resonating in my mind is the whole part about Catelynn and Tyler. There are a few things that got to me in this episode:

1. The episode started off with them meeting up with their adoption advisor to pick up pictures of Carly (one thing I am super jealous of). Tyler asked if it would be ok to invite Carly's family to graduation 6 months down the line. It was suggested that he write a letter to Carly's a-parents to give them time to make that decision.
2. Tyler and Catelynn went shopping with their parents to buy gifts for Carly for Christmas. Tyler's dad got really emotional and said that he wanted to send her a gift even though she didn't know who he is.
3. Tyler's mom called Brandon and Theresa (the a-parents), and really freaked them out, especially since she had mentioned graduation. It put Catelynn and Tyler in a place where they were trying to figure out their parents involvement in the adoption. In one scene, Catelynn said that when she made the choice for adoption, she never thought about how that would involve their families, something I could totally relate to. Seeing how much the family has been affected by their choice made me look at my own stuff.

Here's what I am thinking about:

1. Seeing Catelynn and Ty talk about wanting Carly at graduation made me reflect on my own life. I have thought about it time and time again about how much Hope is a part of my life, even though she probably doesn't know I exist. I think about how hard I work in my everyday life to get ahead, and how much she is a part of that motivation to succeed as much as C is. When I made my adoption plan, I didn't think she would ever be as much a part of my day to day thoughts as she has become, and I never thought that she would be such a big part of my decision making and thought processes as she has become. I would love to have her at my graduation from college one day, and I most definitely would die complete if she were at my wedding. I think about how much I wish I could share my successes in life with her and how I don't ever think that would be possible, and it makes me sad. It honestly breaks my heart and has me in tears to think that this little girl has no idea how much she has changed my life, and i wish I could tell her.
2. Watching Catelynn and Ty shop for Christmas gifts made me feel like such a bad birthmom. In the past 6 years, I have attempted to shop for Hope for birthdays, holidays, and just because. I have found myself buying her birthday cards but never sending them. I don't know what to buy or say or do.The last time I bought Hope a gift was when she was first born, when my mom and I took some things we had purchased to the adoption agency and sent them for her. Since then, I have found myself going to the store with the intention of getting her something, and leaving empty handed as I search through the store and realize I have no idea what she likes.  I don't know what is right or wrong. I don't want to share too much or over cross my boundaries. I seriously don't know what the proper etiquette is when it comes to communicating with my daughter, especially when I don't know if her parents have shared with her that she is adopted. This is one of my struggles as it seems as though V & L are very protective and hesitant, even to send me pictures.
3. I completely understand the struggle that Catelynn and Ty are having with their families and their desire of involvement. When I found myself pregnant with Hope, I thought about how adding another child to the family would affect my immediate family. I thought about the adverse effects to everyone's lives, but never really thought about how it would be difficult emotionally. While placing a baby for adoption is an unselfish decision, I have come to realize how the adoption itself has been selfish. I find myself not wanting to share the pictures and letters I get. I don't want to include my family into any of my plan. I don't like when my family talks about the adoption or bad-mouths V&L for not sending more pictures because I PICKED THEM to be MY daughter's parents. I know that she is very much a part of them as she is of me, and that they are hurting as well, but I also feel like they have NO idea as to what it has been like to grow this baby in my tummy and place her in the arms of another family. Granted, they are in pain because they had no say in the decision I made, they have NO IDEA what pain I live with day in and day out and they choose to not acknowledge the fact that this hurts me more than them.

I find that the older I get, the more my mind races with things I didn't think about 6 years ago when I made my adoption plan. I think about how at this time, in 2005, I was meeting V & L for the first time and deciding that they were who my baby was going to call mom and dad. I didn't have much knowledge of adoption, I just knew that there was open and closed adoptions. When I heard about semi-open adoptions, I didn't know about what they entailed and thought that it only meant I was allowed pictures and letters. I had no clue that I could've possibly requested a face to face meeting once a year. If there's any regret I have, it's not requesting that option.

I feel that as the years go by, I want to see her. I want to hug her and kiss her and tell her I love her. I want to see for myself what a beautiful little girl she has become and I want to hear her laugh and see her smile. It weighs in heavy on my heart that I don't really know when the next time I will see her will be. I feel so sad at the fact that I was so uneducated about my options, and feel like now it's just a waiting game and lots of prayer to have the ability to meet her again.

Even though I am not a teen, I am thankful for Teen Mom and the fact that it shows me that the things I am going through and the thoughts I am having are normal, even at my age. I also like the fact that the show has helped J understand a lot more about adoption, in turn helping him understand a lot more about me. It has helped give him perspective and caused him to ask questions he probably wouldn't have thought to ask had it not been for the show. I just wish that each show wouldn't cause me to cry like a baby every time. lol

I am definitely looking forward to the rest of the season...

Did They Forget?

"The worst feeling isn't being lonely. It's being forgotten by someone you would never forget." - Unknown

"Forgotten" seems like such a terrible word. When I looked up its definition in the dictionary, I got that it means: Not noticed inadvertently; No longer known; Dismissed from the mind. It is the perfect description to how I feel right now.

When I made the decision to place Hope for adoption 6 years ago, I knew very little of what it entailed. I tried to research as much as I could, but there wasn't very much information to be found on the Internet. I knew that I did not want a closed adoption, as I wanted to know about her and her well-being, but I did not want an open adoption because I felt like that was intrusion on her life, as well as for the life of her a-parents. The best decision I could have come up with at the time was a semi-open adoption, with the decision made by myself and Hope's a-parents to receive pictures and letters four times a year. I didn't know I could ask to see her once a year, maybe for her birthday. I didn't think to ask, and I surely didn't know that the older I got, the more I would regret that I failed to make that request.

When I signed over the relinquishment papers on September 11, 2005, I signed them over under the agreement that I would get pictures and letters of my beautiful daughter four times a year. I signed away my rights as her parent with the expectation imprinted in my mind that I would still be able to follow her life and her growth from the sidelines.

At first, the pictures and letters came as expected. I got pictures of her first Halloween as a pumpkin and her first Christmas. I got pictures of her at Valentine's Day and Easter. I was able to enjoy pictures of her with her cousins and some of her on vacation. Every time an envelope arrived in the mail, I was ecstatic by getting to see that the sacrifice I made was so incredibly worth it, as the beautiful smile on her face is priceless.

As time wore on, I have started to get pictures less frequently. I find that most of the time, I have to contact the adoption agency for pictures of her, leaving them to do the work of contacting them to hold up their end of the agreement. It almost feels as though they are trying to pull teeth, as the common excuse is that they have been busy and have not had the time to send pictures. The lady in charge of the post-adoption correspondence at the adoption agency I worked with says that this is quite common. She said that oftentimes, the birth parents who would like to hear from the a-parents have to keep after them to get the pictures and letters they initially agreed on, and usually, the birth parents who want no reminder of their children are the ones with a-parents who are constantly sending them mail. It's an unfair world.

At the request of the picture lady (as I call her), I wrote a letter to V&L, Hope's a-parents a few months ago. It was a short and simple letter telling them about how well I am doing in my life and about how much I look forward to the pictures and letters I receive from them every so often. I hoped it would be a reminder that I am still here, expecting that they hold up their end of our agreement. I mentioned that every time I got pictures of Hope, it gave me extra motivation to succeed. I offered my email address and said that if it was more convenient for them to correspond electronically, I would be happy with that.

A few weeks after I sent the card, on March 28th, I woke up and checked my email (as I do first thing every morning). I had an email from a name I didn't recognize titled "Pictures to Share". It was a simple note that said,

"Hello M,

Thanks for the nice note. It's good to hear that you and C are doing well. Social work seems like a good fit for you.
- V"

The email contained a link for a Kodak picture gallery with about 12 pictures of Hope. The pictures were from her at school, in her Halloween costume, during Christmas, at gymnastics, and on Valentine's Day. While there was nothing more said about Hope and her growth or her personality or anything else about her, it was the best unexpected surprise to see how beautiful and grown she is. It truly made my day. It took me awhile to respond to them, as I didn't know what to say, but I made sure to let them know how much I appreciated them sending me mail and that I always look forward to hearing from them. I felt like it was important to reiterate what I had written in the note I had originally sent them.

It's been 4 months since that email, and I have yet to hear back from V&L. No response to my email. No more links to anymore photo galleries. I have no pictures in my mailbox, nothing. I could choose to be angry at them and talk trash like most other birth moms do about their a-parents when their end of the deal is not held up, but I prefer not to. Talking bad about them would be immature and childish, as I was the one who selected them to be my daughter's parents. I do my best to be as understanding as possible as they both must be busy trying to maintain their daily lives with work, a home and a child. I make excuses for them in my head, reminding them that it is summer time and they are probably on vacation to some exotic place, as they usually take trips to various places.

It's hard not to feel like I am forgotten, though. I understand that they went through a lot to try to get pregnant and that dealing with infertility must have taken such an emotional toll on them. I get that they probably want to live their lives as normal as possible, trying to forget that they don't really share the same blood as their beautiful little girl.  They are, after all, her parents. They are the ones who brought her home from the hospital. The people who stayed up all night when she was hungry, or sick, or fussy. They have raised her to be the amazing little girl that she is. They are the nurture while I am the nature. Could nature really be forgotten?

I wonder if V&L look at her beautiful smile, or her big brown eyes, or her wildly curly hair and think to themselves which piece of her came from them. I wonder if people stop them on the street and compliment the cute little girl with them, saying she looks like her dad (who is also Hispanic). I wonder if they tell people she was adopted, or if they let the world believe that they created her, forgetting that I am also a part of that picture.

I know, it probably sounds like the rant of a crazy woman, since I was the one who chose to place her for adoption in the first place. Regardless of what excuse they have this time for not sending pictures, I'm not mad. I do my best to understand. Maybe being forgotten is a part of the process, and I just have to live with the fact that they just want to live as normal of a life as possible so that they can forget that they don't share the same blood as their daughter. I know I probably would. I just wish it was as easy for me to forget that we do.