Unhealthy People & Relationships

"As long as we believe that someone else has the power to make us happy then we are setting ourselves up to be victims"

~ Robert Burney 

For as long as I could possibly remember, I have had my fair share of unhealthy relationships. My first kiss was based on a lie, as the 17 year old boy who kissed me thought I was 15 and not 13. Over the past 15 years of my life, I have found myself in so many different types of situations and relationships, and would cry because I figured that every guy in the world was the same. In the course of the past 10 years, I have dated guys who have cheated on me, lied to me, talked down to me, disrespected me, yelled at me, and one who even put his hands on me. I have been through it all.

After countless counseling sessions and having the realization after my car accident last year that life is too short, I learned that no one was responsible for my happiness but myself. I figured out that I am worth so much more than I was allowing myself to have, and that respect is one of the highest forms of love that could be felt.

By focusing on me and my happiness, as well as adding positive thinking to my life, I have attracted great things over the course of the past year. I have put in 110% of myself into my work and have therefore earned a raise and kept my job, allowing me the ability to move to an office closer to home. I have become a better mom, putting more effort and work into my relationship with C. I have cut the people in my life who just weren't healthy to be around. I have cut down my drinking, partying, and irresponsible choices and actions. Best of all, I have opened myself up to a relationship with someone who loves and respects me and with whom I have the most healthiest relationship with. This new life of mine has changed my perspective and I am seeing the world at a completely new angle.

One of the biggest changes I have had to "deal" with is my lack of patience for people in unhealthy relationships. I have distanced myself from friends who are in bad relationships, mainly because I don't want that sort of vibe near me. Unfortunately, one of the unhealthiest relationships of all is one that I can't avoid, even if I wanted to, as it involves someone who is family (I'm not going to says whose family.. lol), whom I am going to call Tweedle Dee (guy) and Tweedle Dum (girl).

Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum are older than me, both in their mid- to late-thirties. Both are divorced and have children from their previous marriages - he has 1 pre-teen, and she has 2 late teens. Tweedle Dee doesn't have a job, but goes to school. Tweedle Dum has a career, but only does the bare minimum. They have been dating for about 5 or so months, and to anyone on the outside, seem like a perfect, happy couple who are so in love.

For some reason, as much as I tried to like Tweedle Dum when I first met her, I couldn't. I don't know why, but she exuded some bad vibes. J, on the other hand, insisted that she was great for Tweedle Dee. He said that she was exactly what he needed to stay focused in school and to get ahead. I disagreed, but didn't say much else other than the fact that something about her was "off".

Over the course of the past few months, J and I have had the "opportunity" to hang out with Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. From my perspective, the manipulation and toxicity of that relationship has been apparent from the start. What started out as Tweedle Dum paying for meals and activities, turned into her paying for everything they did. Next thing we learned, she was paying his cell phone bill, gym membership and tuition for school, as well as paying for things for his son, including his birthday party.

There have been two incidents of "outings" with the Tweedles that have caused both J and I to have no desire to hang out with them unless really necessary. Both times, a seemingly great time ended up in an altercation between them of some sort. From my point of view, there is no respect, trust, or effective communication between the two of them and it will always cause these types of problems.

Tweedle Dum lacks self esteem. She is desperate for people to accept and love her and does anything and everything she can to go out of her way to do whatever she can. She is distrustful and has a constant need for attention and affection. She has no backbone and is easily persuaded and manipulated. She is naive and desperate for attention. In essence she is the opposite of present-day ME.

It has taken me a few months to figure out why I have such a problem with Tweedle Dum. She's not my girlfriend and hasn't done anything to me directly. Sure, it always seems like she's trying to compete with me, in some weird way, but other than that she has been nice to me. Sometimes too nice, as in OVERLY nice. After much thought and insight, I figured out what it is about her that bothers me so much. She reminds me of who I USED TO BE.

J laughs at me because my psychoanalysis of Tweedle Dum is pretty accurate. She has come from a background of unhealthy relationships (as I have), and a marriage where she suffered from domestic violence. Due to this abuse, she feels the need to be a pleaser, going out of her way to do all and everything (sometimes overboard), to do things for others. She is desperate and clingy and doesn't trust, due to the fact that she has probably been cheated on and lied to. She allows herself to be manipulated and talked down to, probably because in her mind, that is better than being battered physically. She "competes" with me, not because she wants to be better than me, but because she wishes she could be somewhat like me. She puts on a facade that everything is rainbows and sunshine, but to someone like me who has been through it, it easy to see through it.

One would think that being that I understand what she has been through, I would have compassion for her, but I don't. I find myself to be disgusted and appalled by her and her behaviors. I think I feel this way because it is embarrassing to think that at one point in my life, I was like her. I told this to J and he was quite surprised. He said he couldn't imagine me being like that, but we all have our "Once upon a times".

I almost feel angry at Tweedle Dum. Why? I think because her weakness reminds me of a bad time in my life. It reminds me of when I was with C's dad, and when I found myself pregnant with Hope, and of my last relationship. It reminds me of times when I didn't think I was good enough for someone of quality, when I settled for less, and I had no self-esteem. It reminds me of days when I would cry and ask God what I did for him to punish me by putting me through so much, days when I felt like there were no good guys left in the world, at least not for me. She reminds me of all the bad things I wish I could forget I was, and all of the things I never, ever want to be.

I am in a tremendously wonderful place in my life right now. I am genuinely happy and motivated to succeed in life, whether it be through my education, my career goals, or my personal life endeavors. I am in the most healthy relationship I could have ever imagined myself to be in. One based on love, trust, respect, and communication, a relationship that is based on mutual understanding, and 50/50 give and take. I have self-respect and more self-esteem and confidence than I've ever had in my life. I am the complete opposite of Tweedle Dum and have no desire to accommodate for such unhealthiness in my life. I don't think this makes me a bad person; it just means that I want only the best all around in my life, and that includes getting as far away from the toxicity of my past life as I possibly can.

It's only a matter of time before the Tweedles break up. I have my bets that it will be as soon as Tweedle Dee finishes school, since Tweedle Dum is paying his tuition. Although we can't distance ourselves completely from the couple, I am glad that J agrees with me that the unhealthiness of their relationship is not something we want to be around. I am most thankful that what may seem like a crazy blogger girl's rant, is actually something that J understands and respects. Most of all, I am most definitely thankful that I am no longer the Tweedle Dum version of myself.

Hooray for personal growth and development!

Too Busy

It's so amazing how rapidly time flies and how rapidly things change. It seems like only yesterday, I was blogging about the decision to make a change in my life and start on my Bachelor's. Here I am, in the midst of week 3 out of my first ten week course, travelling full speed towards success. I'm making things happen, one day at a time, and I have never felt better about myself.

It feels so good to enjoy the fruits of my labor by seeing the grades I have earned weekly. Each 100 under my name is one step closer to getting an A, that I know I deserve.

With all this focus and time being spent on school, I have no time to be emotional over the fact that in about a month from now, my beautiful baby girl will be 6. No time to cry and be sad. Just time to be motivated and determined to finish and be one step closer to completing my goals. Once my goals are completed, I know I will have reached the ultimate happiness.

I really appreciate J and the support he has given me. It feels good when we find ourselves sacrificing our usual movie nights on the couch for homework time at the kitchen table. I love knowing that we keep each other balanced and that we are growing together. We are both making the sacrifices necessary to have that dream house, cars, vacations, and family that we always dreamed of. It is truly the best feeling to know that we are doing this together and plan on being there for every step of the way with one another.

I love my life, and I love the people who are actively in it. I love my amazing boyfriend and my wonderful son because they push me to strive for success and to reach my goals. The two of them, as well as little Miss Hope, make me want to be the best person I could possibly be and so much more. Yay for finally being in a good place in my life. It's so well deserved after all I have been through. Granted I am allowed my bad days, I don't desire to feel anything other than the way I feel right now - happy.

When and How

"The deepest losses offer the widest openings for us to receive the miracles in our midst."

~Tami Lynn Kent

Adoption has been on my mind a lot lately. I don't know if it is because I am growing more and more into a better parent and person, going to school, and being more serious about life. I keep thinking about Hope, and how she would fit into my life here and now. I keep wondering what she is like or if she is on vacation now that it is summer time. I wonder if she would be proud of me, like I am proud of myself for all the changes that have occurred in my life. I actually hope both of my children will be proud of me.

When I said goodbye to my precious angel nearly 6 years ago, I promised her I would be someone she would be proud of if we were to meet again. I told the newborn baby that I held in my arms and cried over about how I was giving her a better life so that I could give her brother a better life as well. It has been a struggle, and definitely a difficult journey, but I haven't ever regretted my decision, even now that I am more stable than I was before. I find myself thinking about her when I make decisions regarding my life, even if she is not with me physically, because regardless, she is definitely with me in my heart.

With all this talk about marriage and a life together with J, I think about how C will fit into the picture and be a part of our family portrait. I also can't help but wonder what part Hope will play into that picture as well. I pray that she will decide to come look for me one day, or that we will stumble across each other in the streets or even on Facebook. I have hopes that we will one day be able to have some sort of relationship, not as a mother/daughter, but like long lost family, or even as friends. I probably have too much time on my hands to think because I find myself wondering how it would affect the dynamic of my relationship with C, as well as with J, and possibly our future children. These are things I never had to think about, as I never saw a future with anyone like I see it with J.

I find that one of my biggest dilemmas as of lately is figuring out when and how I am going to tell J's family about Hope. He and I have been dating for over 7 months now and I don't think this relationship is going anywhere other than forward. The deeper and deeper I fall for him, I find myself wanting to be closer to his family, especially his mom, because she is a good Christian woman and he holds her to such a high regard. It was hard for J to tell his mother I had a child when we first started dating, especially since I am the first girl he has dated with a kid, so I know that dropping a bomb that I am a birthmother is even worse. I'm not even sure how to go about in doing this.

I think about all the things that could go wrong in sharing with J's mom my history. I am afraid she will judge me and not want her son to date me. I worry she will think I am dirty or promiscuous. I am afraid she will think I am hiding more things about myself, and I would hate it if she doubted me. I know that ultimately, it is J I am dating, and not his family, and as long as he accepts me and my past in its entirety, than nothing else should matter, but it does. I think that had he not had this close of a relationship with his parents, I probably  wouldn't be stressing over this, but I am. I find that I feel this way because my own parents judge me, so I honestly can't see myself NOT being judged by people who I respect and care for. I truly hope that wouldn't be the case.

I don't know how much longer I can go, carrying on this weight in my heart of not telling his parents about Hope. A part of me feels that by not telling them about her is like deceiving them of the truth and not allowing them to really get to know the real me. Being a birthmom is what has made me who I am, and on top of being a single mom is one of the biggest driving forces in my life to succeed. It's just about getting the guts to say out loud to people whom I respect that I made mistakes in my past and have to live with those choices everyday of my life. I hate that I let this get to me as much as I do, but it is weighing on me that I can't be open about myself very many people, which I guess why this blog is so important to me (which is MY issue entirely). I guess only time will tell and when the time is right, it will happen. I can only put my trust in God, once again, that things will be ok and they will still accept me the way they do now. Regardless of what happens, though, I am thankful to know that J is by my side, and even knowing my "deepest, darkest secrets", we are happy and in love.

Happy Face

I feel like I have so many things to write about, yet I don't know where to start from. Maybe from the beginning... wait, I'm not even sure what the beginning is... lol

J and I have been spending more time together. Well, actually, not this past week, but the week before, we saw each other nearly 6 days in a row. How's that for complaining about not seeing each other enough? lol Too bad that with the exception of a date to dinner and the movies that Thursday, we were hardly alone AT ALL all weekend. While I love, love, love spending time with my little family (J and C) as well as with J's nephew, I need some alone time with my honey for more than 5 minutes! Learning how to deal with that has definitely been a challenge!

Aside from all of that, we have been doing quite well. The topic of marrige has come up alot lately, and I have become even more obsessed with wedding and engagement photography sites, as well as have signed up for David's Bridal emails... (geeze, I'm such a loser). We went to a Dodger game with C a few weeks ago and they handed us a catalog from Daniel's Jewler and J said "I better look through this because 18 months will be here sooner than we know." It made me feel good to know that the topic of marriage is not just something I think about, but so does he. It's exciting that we both are working towards the same goal by taking care of ourselves so that we may be able to take care of each other, as well as have a family of our own. I have to admit, though, the thought of being his Mrs. gives me chills. He truly completes me.

We have been doing a lot more activities with C, and honestly, I find myself falling more and more in love with J through his interactions with my son. They get along so well, so much better than C has ever gotten along with any other male I have brought around him. They play well together and C loves to give "group hugs" between the three of us which really make my day. I love getting texts at the end of the night from J about how much C is growing on him, and it makes me happy to know that he doesn't just care about me, he accepts the whole package and really cares about him too. I have never before experienced such a positive dating experience with someone who truly cares about the lil guy who comes along with me, so it's pretty amazing that this is everything I could've ever asked for, and MORE.

Everything in my life seems to be falling into place. Work is work, and last week marked 5 years since I have been here. I have a love/hate relationship with my job at times, but I am thankful for the relationships I have built here. Most of all, I am thankful for all the free advice I get from all these therapists. I have really been learning a lot about myself and my relationships, with my boyfriend, my family and my friends. I do my best not to react on a whim and to think things thru a little more carefully before I say or do something without thinking. It's been amazing to see my growth during this time, and I am truly appreciative of all that this job has prepared me to be.

Speaking of preparing me, today marks my first OFFICIAL day of school. I am currently on my way to obtaining my Bachelor's degree and I couldn't be happier. I am excited and slightly overwhelmed with the idea that this next class is a whopping 6 units. I cannot remember the last time I wrote a quarter-long research paper, but I have obviously done it before, and I can definitely do it again. I am determined to make this college experience a success and not disappoint the people who are supporting me, including J, C, J's family and my parents. I know it won't be an easy path, but I am definitely looking forward to the challenge...

J will be done in two weeks with his first set of classes. It's amazing to me how quickly nearly 8 weeks have gone by. It's probably a good indication of how quickly 18 months will pass and how quick it will be before he is done with school. It seems like just yesterday I was obsessing over how much this would change our relationship, and even though it has, we have been able to work through it and around it to make the best and most out of our time together.

Time flying for J's schooling is almost as amzing to me as to how fast it seems we have gotten to 7 months in of our relationship. Last week marked our 7 month anniversary. J said that 7 months was a far greater milestone to him than 6 months. I think it has alot more to do with the fact that the longer we are together, the closer we get to the one year mark, which is definitely a major milestone. It's amazing how effortless this relationship has been. I mean, don't get me wrong, it has taken work on both parts, and definitely some learning to get us to where we are at today, but the ease as to which this relationship has come with has been so utterly amazing to me. We don't fight or argue, and if we get into any tiffs, it's usually because we are frustrated and miss each other. We do our best to maximize the little bit of time we get together, and I appreciate every single moment I get with him by my side, whether it's alone or with other people.

People always comment on how happy I look in my pictures on Facebook or even in person, and the best part about it is I FEEL that happy. I don't think I could say I've ever been this GENUINELY in my whole life. I feel so complete, and granted yes, there are things that are missing from my life like a degree and a fabulous job and a place of my own, but as of right now, I have what I need and it doesn't get any better than this.