Too Busy

It's so amazing how rapidly time flies and how rapidly things change. It seems like only yesterday, I was blogging about the decision to make a change in my life and start on my Bachelor's. Here I am, in the midst of week 3 out of my first ten week course, travelling full speed towards success. I'm making things happen, one day at a time, and I have never felt better about myself.

It feels so good to enjoy the fruits of my labor by seeing the grades I have earned weekly. Each 100 under my name is one step closer to getting an A, that I know I deserve.

With all this focus and time being spent on school, I have no time to be emotional over the fact that in about a month from now, my beautiful baby girl will be 6. No time to cry and be sad. Just time to be motivated and determined to finish and be one step closer to completing my goals. Once my goals are completed, I know I will have reached the ultimate happiness.

I really appreciate J and the support he has given me. It feels good when we find ourselves sacrificing our usual movie nights on the couch for homework time at the kitchen table. I love knowing that we keep each other balanced and that we are growing together. We are both making the sacrifices necessary to have that dream house, cars, vacations, and family that we always dreamed of. It is truly the best feeling to know that we are doing this together and plan on being there for every step of the way with one another.

I love my life, and I love the people who are actively in it. I love my amazing boyfriend and my wonderful son because they push me to strive for success and to reach my goals. The two of them, as well as little Miss Hope, make me want to be the best person I could possibly be and so much more. Yay for finally being in a good place in my life. It's so well deserved after all I have been through. Granted I am allowed my bad days, I don't desire to feel anything other than the way I feel right now - happy.

Happy Face

I feel like I have so many things to write about, yet I don't know where to start from. Maybe from the beginning... wait, I'm not even sure what the beginning is... lol

J and I have been spending more time together. Well, actually, not this past week, but the week before, we saw each other nearly 6 days in a row. How's that for complaining about not seeing each other enough? lol Too bad that with the exception of a date to dinner and the movies that Thursday, we were hardly alone AT ALL all weekend. While I love, love, love spending time with my little family (J and C) as well as with J's nephew, I need some alone time with my honey for more than 5 minutes! Learning how to deal with that has definitely been a challenge!

Aside from all of that, we have been doing quite well. The topic of marrige has come up alot lately, and I have become even more obsessed with wedding and engagement photography sites, as well as have signed up for David's Bridal emails... (geeze, I'm such a loser). We went to a Dodger game with C a few weeks ago and they handed us a catalog from Daniel's Jewler and J said "I better look through this because 18 months will be here sooner than we know." It made me feel good to know that the topic of marriage is not just something I think about, but so does he. It's exciting that we both are working towards the same goal by taking care of ourselves so that we may be able to take care of each other, as well as have a family of our own. I have to admit, though, the thought of being his Mrs. gives me chills. He truly completes me.

We have been doing a lot more activities with C, and honestly, I find myself falling more and more in love with J through his interactions with my son. They get along so well, so much better than C has ever gotten along with any other male I have brought around him. They play well together and C loves to give "group hugs" between the three of us which really make my day. I love getting texts at the end of the night from J about how much C is growing on him, and it makes me happy to know that he doesn't just care about me, he accepts the whole package and really cares about him too. I have never before experienced such a positive dating experience with someone who truly cares about the lil guy who comes along with me, so it's pretty amazing that this is everything I could've ever asked for, and MORE.

Everything in my life seems to be falling into place. Work is work, and last week marked 5 years since I have been here. I have a love/hate relationship with my job at times, but I am thankful for the relationships I have built here. Most of all, I am thankful for all the free advice I get from all these therapists. I have really been learning a lot about myself and my relationships, with my boyfriend, my family and my friends. I do my best not to react on a whim and to think things thru a little more carefully before I say or do something without thinking. It's been amazing to see my growth during this time, and I am truly appreciative of all that this job has prepared me to be.

Speaking of preparing me, today marks my first OFFICIAL day of school. I am currently on my way to obtaining my Bachelor's degree and I couldn't be happier. I am excited and slightly overwhelmed with the idea that this next class is a whopping 6 units. I cannot remember the last time I wrote a quarter-long research paper, but I have obviously done it before, and I can definitely do it again. I am determined to make this college experience a success and not disappoint the people who are supporting me, including J, C, J's family and my parents. I know it won't be an easy path, but I am definitely looking forward to the challenge...

J will be done in two weeks with his first set of classes. It's amazing to me how quickly nearly 8 weeks have gone by. It's probably a good indication of how quickly 18 months will pass and how quick it will be before he is done with school. It seems like just yesterday I was obsessing over how much this would change our relationship, and even though it has, we have been able to work through it and around it to make the best and most out of our time together.

Time flying for J's schooling is almost as amzing to me as to how fast it seems we have gotten to 7 months in of our relationship. Last week marked our 7 month anniversary. J said that 7 months was a far greater milestone to him than 6 months. I think it has alot more to do with the fact that the longer we are together, the closer we get to the one year mark, which is definitely a major milestone. It's amazing how effortless this relationship has been. I mean, don't get me wrong, it has taken work on both parts, and definitely some learning to get us to where we are at today, but the ease as to which this relationship has come with has been so utterly amazing to me. We don't fight or argue, and if we get into any tiffs, it's usually because we are frustrated and miss each other. We do our best to maximize the little bit of time we get together, and I appreciate every single moment I get with him by my side, whether it's alone or with other people.

People always comment on how happy I look in my pictures on Facebook or even in person, and the best part about it is I FEEL that happy. I don't think I could say I've ever been this GENUINELY in my whole life. I feel so complete, and granted yes, there are things that are missing from my life like a degree and a fabulous job and a place of my own, but as of right now, I have what I need and it doesn't get any better than this.

Facing Fears

"The key to change… is to let go of fear.” –Rosanne Cash

I've been doing quite a bit of thinking lately. I've been so focused on the inevitable change we're about to face now that J is about to start school. I've been so caught up in his life that I haven't focused on mine. Why should he go on to make things happen for himself and me not do the same? Why would he want someone with no drive to succeed in her life? I'm smart and am filled with determination to make something out of myself.... or was that all talk?

This semester, I registered for a full load of classes, boasting about how I really didn't have too many left to do so that I could transfer. On top of a full time job, full time child, and full time boyfriend, I thought I would be brave and add a full course schedule. Oh how I was so ridiculously wrong. After a few weeks of going full speed, I crashed... and burned. I ended up so completely overwhelmed, I had to drop classes because I was so behind. This made me feel like such a failure. I did so well last semester and was so proud of myself, and this completely ruined my self-esteem. It's no wonder I have been so scared of the change we are about to face. I didn't want to be left with nothing to be proud of for myself.

The day of C's First Communion, my aunt and I had a talk about school. She was telling me I needed to hurry up and get out of the community college. She said I needed to transfer and move on with my life already. I knew it needed to be done, but it was a wake up call resonating in the back of my mind this past week and a half. That mixed with the fact that J started school on Saturday and the thought of wanting to move forward with my life and be someone C (and Hope) could be proud of got the wheels in this head of mine spinning.

I had to stop being afraid of change. I needed to take a step forward with my future and make my life different than what it currently is. I needed to just get up and say "F*@! IT" and do what I gotta do to get ahead.

Today, I put my fears aside and took a step forward with my life. I applied for Capella University, an online college a friend of mine recently obtained a Masters degree from. I got all the information necessary and decided it would be a great fit for me and my busy lifestyle. My goal will be to obtain a Bachelors in Arts in Public Service with a focus in Criminal Justice, my original major that I chose to pursue right out of high school. I figured that since Capella doesn't offer a Social Work program, I could finish off the Criminal Justice degree and get my Masters in Social Work when I am done. My projected end date, if all my classes transfer, is 2 to 2.5 year from now and I'll have a Bachelors degree in my possession. Whoa... talk about a change, right?

I'm a little overwhelmed with this decision. It was a big decision to make on my own. I consulted with J to get his opinion on my decision, especially because this means I will incur some debt in student loans. He totally supported my choice and said whatever debt I take on from this we will deal with (he also joked that he would pimp me out to pay for both of our student loans). With that, I made the move and spoke with an enrollment counselor and next thing I knew, I was going through the application process. Next step is financial aid.

Omg!

I'm actually doing this. If all goes well, I will be starting school on July 11th. Do I even believe this is happening? Not yet. At least not until I have confirmation that this is really going to happen. I am excited and nervous, but so thankful to finally be able to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I am determined to complete this with success, moreso because I have so many more things I would like to accomplish with my life.

I'm not planning on telling anyone other than whoever is reading this blog about this step in my life. I plan on letting people believe I am going to community college to obtain my Associates and slapping them in the face with the diploma that says I'm ready for the next step. My goal is to prove to everyone who thought I would always be a failure wrong and show them, as well as myself and my children that the mistakes I have made in my life shouldn't have had to determine what my future would be like. So yay me, for taking a chance and making a change. It won't be an easy road ahead, but getting to my destination will be worth so it in the end.