Unhealthy People & Relationships

"As long as we believe that someone else has the power to make us happy then we are setting ourselves up to be victims"

~ Robert Burney 

For as long as I could possibly remember, I have had my fair share of unhealthy relationships. My first kiss was based on a lie, as the 17 year old boy who kissed me thought I was 15 and not 13. Over the past 15 years of my life, I have found myself in so many different types of situations and relationships, and would cry because I figured that every guy in the world was the same. In the course of the past 10 years, I have dated guys who have cheated on me, lied to me, talked down to me, disrespected me, yelled at me, and one who even put his hands on me. I have been through it all.

After countless counseling sessions and having the realization after my car accident last year that life is too short, I learned that no one was responsible for my happiness but myself. I figured out that I am worth so much more than I was allowing myself to have, and that respect is one of the highest forms of love that could be felt.

By focusing on me and my happiness, as well as adding positive thinking to my life, I have attracted great things over the course of the past year. I have put in 110% of myself into my work and have therefore earned a raise and kept my job, allowing me the ability to move to an office closer to home. I have become a better mom, putting more effort and work into my relationship with C. I have cut the people in my life who just weren't healthy to be around. I have cut down my drinking, partying, and irresponsible choices and actions. Best of all, I have opened myself up to a relationship with someone who loves and respects me and with whom I have the most healthiest relationship with. This new life of mine has changed my perspective and I am seeing the world at a completely new angle.

One of the biggest changes I have had to "deal" with is my lack of patience for people in unhealthy relationships. I have distanced myself from friends who are in bad relationships, mainly because I don't want that sort of vibe near me. Unfortunately, one of the unhealthiest relationships of all is one that I can't avoid, even if I wanted to, as it involves someone who is family (I'm not going to says whose family.. lol), whom I am going to call Tweedle Dee (guy) and Tweedle Dum (girl).

Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum are older than me, both in their mid- to late-thirties. Both are divorced and have children from their previous marriages - he has 1 pre-teen, and she has 2 late teens. Tweedle Dee doesn't have a job, but goes to school. Tweedle Dum has a career, but only does the bare minimum. They have been dating for about 5 or so months, and to anyone on the outside, seem like a perfect, happy couple who are so in love.

For some reason, as much as I tried to like Tweedle Dum when I first met her, I couldn't. I don't know why, but she exuded some bad vibes. J, on the other hand, insisted that she was great for Tweedle Dee. He said that she was exactly what he needed to stay focused in school and to get ahead. I disagreed, but didn't say much else other than the fact that something about her was "off".

Over the course of the past few months, J and I have had the "opportunity" to hang out with Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. From my perspective, the manipulation and toxicity of that relationship has been apparent from the start. What started out as Tweedle Dum paying for meals and activities, turned into her paying for everything they did. Next thing we learned, she was paying his cell phone bill, gym membership and tuition for school, as well as paying for things for his son, including his birthday party.

There have been two incidents of "outings" with the Tweedles that have caused both J and I to have no desire to hang out with them unless really necessary. Both times, a seemingly great time ended up in an altercation between them of some sort. From my point of view, there is no respect, trust, or effective communication between the two of them and it will always cause these types of problems.

Tweedle Dum lacks self esteem. She is desperate for people to accept and love her and does anything and everything she can to go out of her way to do whatever she can. She is distrustful and has a constant need for attention and affection. She has no backbone and is easily persuaded and manipulated. She is naive and desperate for attention. In essence she is the opposite of present-day ME.

It has taken me a few months to figure out why I have such a problem with Tweedle Dum. She's not my girlfriend and hasn't done anything to me directly. Sure, it always seems like she's trying to compete with me, in some weird way, but other than that she has been nice to me. Sometimes too nice, as in OVERLY nice. After much thought and insight, I figured out what it is about her that bothers me so much. She reminds me of who I USED TO BE.

J laughs at me because my psychoanalysis of Tweedle Dum is pretty accurate. She has come from a background of unhealthy relationships (as I have), and a marriage where she suffered from domestic violence. Due to this abuse, she feels the need to be a pleaser, going out of her way to do all and everything (sometimes overboard), to do things for others. She is desperate and clingy and doesn't trust, due to the fact that she has probably been cheated on and lied to. She allows herself to be manipulated and talked down to, probably because in her mind, that is better than being battered physically. She "competes" with me, not because she wants to be better than me, but because she wishes she could be somewhat like me. She puts on a facade that everything is rainbows and sunshine, but to someone like me who has been through it, it easy to see through it.

One would think that being that I understand what she has been through, I would have compassion for her, but I don't. I find myself to be disgusted and appalled by her and her behaviors. I think I feel this way because it is embarrassing to think that at one point in my life, I was like her. I told this to J and he was quite surprised. He said he couldn't imagine me being like that, but we all have our "Once upon a times".

I almost feel angry at Tweedle Dum. Why? I think because her weakness reminds me of a bad time in my life. It reminds me of when I was with C's dad, and when I found myself pregnant with Hope, and of my last relationship. It reminds me of times when I didn't think I was good enough for someone of quality, when I settled for less, and I had no self-esteem. It reminds me of days when I would cry and ask God what I did for him to punish me by putting me through so much, days when I felt like there were no good guys left in the world, at least not for me. She reminds me of all the bad things I wish I could forget I was, and all of the things I never, ever want to be.

I am in a tremendously wonderful place in my life right now. I am genuinely happy and motivated to succeed in life, whether it be through my education, my career goals, or my personal life endeavors. I am in the most healthy relationship I could have ever imagined myself to be in. One based on love, trust, respect, and communication, a relationship that is based on mutual understanding, and 50/50 give and take. I have self-respect and more self-esteem and confidence than I've ever had in my life. I am the complete opposite of Tweedle Dum and have no desire to accommodate for such unhealthiness in my life. I don't think this makes me a bad person; it just means that I want only the best all around in my life, and that includes getting as far away from the toxicity of my past life as I possibly can.

It's only a matter of time before the Tweedles break up. I have my bets that it will be as soon as Tweedle Dee finishes school, since Tweedle Dum is paying his tuition. Although we can't distance ourselves completely from the couple, I am glad that J agrees with me that the unhealthiness of their relationship is not something we want to be around. I am most thankful that what may seem like a crazy blogger girl's rant, is actually something that J understands and respects. Most of all, I am most definitely thankful that I am no longer the Tweedle Dum version of myself.

Hooray for personal growth and development!

A Year Ago Today...

I have been doing some major life reflections the past couple of days. It is probably because this morning, at 1 a.m., marked the one year anniversary of my car accident. I didn't think it would be a big deal, but subconsciously it is, probably because it marked a turning point in my life.

Before this past year, I wasn't necessarily a bad person, but I wasn't an outstanding individual either. I wasn't anyone who made such a particular difference that I'd be missed if I was gone. I was a mediocre mom and daughter who was so miserable with her life. I wasn't the best friend I could possibly be to some people and I did such a half assed job when I was at work. My ex boyfriend and I fought like crazy, especially after I found out he cheated on me. I felt like I didn't deserve better, like I was destined to be disrespected, and talked down to, and mistreated. I felt like it was my punishment for all the things I did wrong in life.

On June 27th of last year, my buddies and I got together to host a pool party. The party was a major fail, and everyone got super drunk, including my ex. Because I saw how intoxicated he was, I stopped drinking and was sober so that I could drive home at the end of the night. I drove him home to Whittier and we agreed I would take his car home and I'd bring it back the next day after work. I always took the streets home, but because I was so exhausted and had to work the next day, I decided to take the freeway because it was faster. BIG MISTAKE.

Traffic on the freeway was at a standstill. Apparently there had been an accident and the freeway was closed off. After a couple minutes of sitting there on the freeway, I noticed the car started to overheat, so I turned it off. Once the freeway opened up, I turned the car back on and it wouldn't start. I had left the lights on and the battery was dead. At this point, I was in the #2 lane of the freeway. I started freaking out as the cars around me started to move and I was stuck there. I called 911 and asked for help right away. It was 1 a.m. and cars were flying by me at 65, 75 mph. Granted I had my hazard lights on and was stepping on the brakes, but there is no worse feeling than knowing you are basically a sitting duck and could get hit at anytime. I kept looking into the rear view mirror and could see all the cars swerving to avoid hitting me. 3 minutes after my call to 911, I got a call from the CHP asking exactly where I was on the freeway. I told him and he said to stay calm and they'd be there shortly. 11 minutes after my initial 911 call, I called again. I was frantic and needed help. I knew I was going to get hit and there was nothing I could do to avoid it.

As I was on that second call to 911, a car swerved out of the way to avoid hitting me. Apparently, the car behind was following that car too closely, so closely that they never saw me, until it was too late. I got rear ended dead on, probably at the speed of 65mph if not a little more. As I sit here and think about the collision and the the force of the impact, I find it truly a miracle that I survived with nothing more than some rattled nerves and a sore back. I was in complete and utter shock that this had happened, all while I was on the phone with dispatch still. I sat in the car to take in everything that happened and could see the lights of the CHP doing a freeway closure in the distance. Some nice guys had stopped their truck and helped me out as well as the couple who had rear ended me. One guy walked me to the side of the freeway while the other guy moved the car to the shoulder. They waited with me until the CHP officers were able to get to us.

I called my ex to let him know that I had gotten into an accident. He started yelling at me about his car. He had his roommate drop him off at the accident scene, only to yell at me some more. I was in pain and shock. I couldn't believe what had happened to me, and all this guy could do was yell at me about how he knew it was a bad idea for me to drive his car home, and why would I take the freeway when I always took the streets. I just wanted to get home.

The moment I walked in my door and saw my dad, I bawled. I cried and cried in his arms. The reality of what had just happened to me hit me, and I almost couldn't believe it. The accident could've been so much worse. I could've been injured, even worse, I could've died. What would've happened to C? Would I have ever seen Hope again? So many feelings and emotions flooded me and I was as emotionally broken as bad as my body hurt.

The next morning after the accident, I went to the doctor to get checked out. I was in excruciating pain, physically and emotionally. I stayed home for a couple of days from work, but had to get back. I found that it hurt me to sit for too long, so I would come to work a few hours late and leave early. It was the biggest lifestyle change ever, as I felt I was unable to do a lot of things I had been able to do before, including simple things like carry my purse or even getting dressed quickly in the morning.

Not only did I change physically, I changed internally. I found myself to be more emotional than usual. I couldn't sleep because I would close my eyes and see the cars coming at me. I was beyond anxious and suffered near panic attacks while on the freeway, especially in the evening time. I couldn't even drive myself for nearly a month afterwards, I couldn't be alone for too long or else my mind would race and I would start thinking about all the things that went on. I had images of C living with no mom, or of Hope looking for her birth mom and being told she had died. I had replayed over and over and over what could've happened, and really questioned God as to why he kept me from harm.

After the initial shock and anxiety of the whole situation wore off, I started to see clearly. I was able to see that the choices I made in life weren't always the best and I was determined to make something out of myself. I was tired of wasting time, and realized that there was no better time than now to make up for lost time. I became a better mom by putting a higher importance on my son's priorities. I became a better friend my appreciating each and every person who sent me well wishes. I became a better daughter for appreciating my parents for all they did for me. I went back to school, I was happier at work, and eventually, after 3 months, I finally got out of the relationship that made me miserable. It was the most drastic change I had ever made, yet it was the one that made me the happiest.

Within the past year, I have strived to be a completely better person. I have made it a priority to appreciate every moment and every person who means something to me. I have learned that being happy is something I have to do for myself before I could let anyone else try to do it for me. I have also learned to work on the things I want to change about myself and accept that there are things I cannot change in others. I have done a better job at sorting out who my real friends are and who I really don't want to be associated with.

The biggest change of all during the past year is that I have learned to love myself, which has undoubtedly been the best change of all. Loving myself has allowed numerous opportunities to come my way, including opening my mind and my heart and meeting the man of my dreams. Never in a million years did I think I would meet someone, especially so soon after getting out of my previous relationship, who I love as much as I love J. I never thought I would meet someone who I could trust and respect who would in turn do the same for me. I never thought it was possible to feel the way I do for him. Yet I am head over heels in love and know this is who I would like to spend the rest of my life with.

So while I sit here and truly thank God for everything he has done for me, I reflect on all the amazing things I have accomplished during the past 12 months, as well as all the things on my to-do list that need to be checked off still. I strive not to take any moment I have for granted and to make the most out of my time. I aim to be the best person I could possibly be and do all the things I have always hoped I would achieve. I guess things happen for a reason after all......

June Gloom

The weather as of lately has been really weird. It's been gloomy, and cold, and then warm in the afternoons, and then cold again at night. It's really annoying when figuring out what to wear in the morning, and very hard to make plans to do something fun in the sun when there is really no sun. I guess my moods have been matching this weather lately, and I'm pretty tired of it.

I've had a pretty rough week or so. I'd like to attribute it to the fact that dad has been gone and I miss my morning and after work carpool buddy, but I don't think that's entirely the case. A lot has changed lately, and as I've said in a previous blog post, I'm not big on change.

Last week, J and I had a moment when I almost thought it was over for good. I can honestly admit, that the issue of pushing him away when I need him the most is my own. I wish I could change being that way, but it's hard. I've never been in such a healthy loving relationship, and am so used to people giving up on me when times get tough. I guess pushing him away kinda protects me from getting hurt and given up on. With all that he is going through trying to manage both a full time work and school schedule, I am trying to learn to adjust to the change in our relationship and accept that I am no longer a priority of his, but it is hard. We went from spending most of his days off together, to now seeing each other two days a week, if we are lucky. It's difficult because I feel like we have spent more time missing each other than actually together.

I've always firmly believed in the saying that people come into your life for a reason. We got a new intern at work who started last week. She was explaining to me that she has been in a long distance relationship with her boyfriend over the course of the past year or so. She's here in California, and he is in D.C. She said that they have regularly scheduled Skype dates and that they see each other one every month or so. She says it's been difficult, but that it is worth it because they love each other. Talking to her and hearing her story made me appreciate our situation. While we are not across the country from one another (although sometimes it feels like that), seeing each other once or twice a week is a whole lot better than once a month. I realized that the sacrifices we are making right now are going to be worth it in the long run when we are both successful and (hopefully) married with a family of our own. I have decided that rather than complain about the time apart from one another, I need to suck it up and just appreciate the time we do have, as well as be a strong woman, and help my man instead of give him more problems to add to his plate.

In addition to our relationship issues, I have been feeling pretty lonely. I realized that because my time with J has been so limited, I have so often turned down opportunities to do things with my friends. Since J had plans to take his dad out on Saturday night for Father's Day (since he had to work on Sunday), I found myself with free time, and an urge to go out and have a good time. I text about 5 different female friends, and all of them were "busy" doing other things. I felt like long gone are the days of including me in their plans, and it is certainly understandable. I have comfortably fallen into the cycle of relationship life, and I no longer fit in with my single friends. I know that I can count on those girls if I really really needed them, but expecting to be included in their plans like before is out of the question.

On top of all of that, my family issues have really been getting to me as well. I feel like the moment dad is gone, my siblings take it as an opportunity to take advantage. I hate how disrespectful they are and cannot stand how they walk all over my mother. I hate that when they are home, I lock myself away in my room, drowning in Army Wives episodes on Netflix on my laptop. I wish I had a real family. One who loved and supported each other, during both the good and bad times. I have told J several times that I find it very sad that I feel more comfortable being at his house, eating dinner with his family, than I do with my own. Its highly disturbing and heartbreaking that I don't even trust my family.

Yesterday was Father's Day. It was the first Father's Day that my dad wasn't here for, and frankly, that depressed me more than anything. He sent me a text yesterday morning, from Mexico, that said that he wished he could have a talk with his dad (who passed away a few years ago) so that he could see what a good man and good father he has become. He said that even though we don't agree on things sometimes, he will always love me. It made me miss him so much more to know that it will be another week before I get to give him a hug.

All dad wanted for Father's Day was for the 5 of us to do something together, to celebrate him even though he wasn't here. Upon getting ready, I realized that half of my makeup stash is missing. Absolutely GONE. Along with a lot of my wardrobe. I was so angry and frustrated that I work hard to buy things for myself, and to find it all missing. It is heart breaking and absolutely irritating that my sisters have found a way to break into my room and steal my things and my mom doesn't do anything about it. I guess my frustration erupted in a not so nice way. Mom suggested we go to Applebees. I don't like Applebees so I said so. Little did I know that would begin World War III. I got called names by my sisters. They said I was ungrateful and not a part of the family, so I said fine, I'm not going. I'm not going to sit at a table and pretend like I am happy. I felt really bad because it was my dad's wish for us to be together, but I just couldn't do it. They left, and took C with them, and I locked myself away in my room crying because I really can't stand my living situation much longer.

It really hurt me when I got a text from my mom after they got home saying: "I really wish you had gone with us. One day I will find out why you hate me so much. I'm sorry for whatever I did to make you feel like that. I still love you" and again, another text from her this morning asking: "Are you still very upset at me? Can we be friends again?" That's when it hit me that one of the main problems our family has is that probably because we are grown now, my mom is no longer trying to be a mom, and is desperately trying to be a friend. I don't need a friend. I need my mother. I need her to set boundaries and to give me the support that I need. I need her to understand that just because I am independent does not mean that I don't care about her or that I don't want her in my life. I need her to understand that not only do I need her to be a mom, she needs to be a mom to my sisters instead of their friend. That's why it's so easy for them to manipulate and control her, because she wants their acceptance rather than set up boundaries and make them follow them.

Looking at the situation, from the outside looking in, I realize how much our family needs therapy. They can use me as a scapegoat and blame me for their issues all they want, but I know within myself that they just don't want to take accountability for their own problems. It's not my fault they can't get a job or do something productive with their lives. It's not my fault they are in relationships that are unhappy and verbally abusive. They can blame it all on me getting pregnant at a young age and my choice to place Hope for adoption without consulting anyone else, but blame and the lack of accountability will get them nowhere in life.

The sun has finally peeked through the clouds, and the morning June gloom has finally gone away. I think by writing and sharing my feelings about all that has been bothering me has helped me realize a lot of things. I have a lot going for myself. I am strong and determined, motivated to make a difference for myself and my son. I am doing my best to wake up every day and live my life the way I want it to be lived, as I know that only I can make my life the way I want it to be. Only I can be held accountable for my actions, for the good and the bad that I do. I can't let anyone, or anything affect me or try to stop me from reaching my goals. Bye-bye, June gloom. There's only room for sunny days on this calendar.

Trust

"You may be deceived if you trust too much,

But you will live in torment if you do not trust enough"

~ Frank Crane

Never has a quote it in perfectly with what I feel at the moment. My constant thoughts and worry seem to be getting the best of me and I find myself to be greatly tormented by my lack of trust in my relationship.

In the past 5 1/2 months I have been dating J, never have I found myself to be so in love with someone the way I am in love with him. Never have I imagined a future with anyone the way I do with him. Never have I wanted more for myself the way I want it with him. It's a great, yet scary feeling. I have opened up myself in a way that has made me extremely vulnerable and easy to hurt. I don't ever want to hurt the way I have in the past. My heart simply cannot take that sort of pain after all I have been through in my life.

Why am I so worried about this? Why can't I just trust in him and in God that this will work out the way I want it to? Why is it so hard to let go of my insecurities and have a just take it as it comes approach to life? It would be so much easier to be carefree and not worry about something I cannot control. Unfortunately, that's not in my nature. I am constantly finding myself fighting with the voice in the back of my head that is telling me to be careful. I don't want to be careful, but I do. It's definitely a battle.

My stomach hurts with anxiety, and I am making myself go crazy with thoughts of worst case scenarios. I've been told that me not trusting him will make him do the very thing I'm scared of him doing. I find that it's not that I don't trust him, because I do, or else I wouldn't be in a relationship with him. I think it's the fact that I don't trust the fact that something good could actually happen to me, because they never have.

I look back at the people I have trusted in my life: friends, family, exes. I have been hurt and deceived by so many people. I find it so hard to believe that anyone could care about me like I care about them. I find it hard to fathom someone loving me as much as I love them. I struggle with the thought that there are actually good people in the world who won't hurt me, because I have yet to come across very many of those types of people in my life, even in my own immediate family.

I tell J all the time that I am damaged goods. I have been through so much in my life and I wish I could let go of all the pain I have been through in my past that has made me the way that I am. I wish I could start fresh and be brand new, but the truth is that my heart comes with battle scars and plenty of wounds. I wish more than anything that I could let go of all the pain I have felt in my life because I know it is a huge factor in what still keeps weighing me down. 

I am trying my hardest to believe in J and the fact that he is truly different than anyone I have ever met, which is why I am so in love with him. I am doing the best that I can to recognize that the issue is within me, and not in him. In all actuality, he has done as much as he can to show me that I can trust him, but it is still scary to completely put 100% of my trust in him. There is still a lot about him that I don't know and that's obvious, because it has really only been 5 months since we first started dating. I think about how much faith I have in US, but I am scared as hell that the moment I completely let my guard down, I will get hurt.

I can't stop the tears from falling from my eyes, as I sit here and wonder if I will ever allow the walls that have been built over the past 28 years to come down. I don't want to be so scared and vulnerable all the time because it isn't a good feeling. It's going to take a lot of work on my part for that change to happen, and I don't know how long it will be before I can believe that I won't get hurt. I just hope I don't lose a great guy in the process of it all....

Single Mom

I had a conversation with someone I've known since high school today that really has had the wheels in my head spinning. This person is currently pregnant with her first child. She lives a cookie cutter life of being educated, having a career, meeting Mister Right and marrying him, buying a house, and now having a baby. She's the kind of girl who talked about all these things since high school and now she is living out each of the items on her checklist. Good for her.

I, on the other hand, NEVER had a checklist. I grew up promising myself (and the world) that I wasn't going to have children when I got older. I had plans of a career in law enforcement, nice cars, a large house, and plenty of vacations. Not once in my big picture did I have a husband or children on that list. I knew at a young age that I didn't want to carry the title of a person who is responsible for the upbringing of a child. Fast forward to two years after I graduated high school, and I was staring at a positive pregnancy test.

YIKES...

I still remember the day in March of 2003 that I found out I was pregnant. I had just turned 20 years old and didn't have the slightest clue as to what a MAJOR responsibility was. I had been dating C's dad for about a year and a half by then, which was hardly a long time at all. I had a feeling deep inside of me that I was pregnant, but I had taken several home tests and they all came out negative. C's dad and I decided to go to Planned Parenthood and take a test there. That's when I got the news that I was pregnant and due that November. I felt like a ton of bricks had just fallen on top of my head. I couldn't move or think or say a word.

C's dad was ecstatic. He was so happy that we were going to have a baby. When I came to my senses, all I could see was my future being flushed down the toilet. What was I going to do? Where was I going to live? How was I going to survive off of a retail salary from both he and I? What the heck was I thinking?! I remember crying my eyes out once we got to the car. C's dad got so angry with me. "Why are you crying? You should be happy! We are going to have a baby and have our own family and be happy." That just made me cry more, because deep down in my heart, I knew I wouldn't be happy. This wasn't in my life plans.

For a good month and a half, I struggled with the decision of going through an abortion. I knew that me having a baby would break my parents heart, and having an abortion would leave no proof, other than a hole in my heart. Ultimately, I couldn't do it. We ended up telling my parents that I was pregnant on April 23, a day I am most likely never to forget. It was the day I broke my dad's heart, as he learned that his little girl was no longer a little girl anymore. While I don't remember the details of our conversation, I just remember my dad asking us how we were going to fix this. He said we had to get married if we were planning on having this baby. Umm.... once again, this wasn't in my life plans either!

My dad had left to Mexico  for his annual trip to visit my grandmother a few days later. He was very hurt by the news and made sure I knew that. While he was gone, we looked at chapels and churches and also at rings. I guess we had a wedding to plan for. SCARY.

While dad was gone, he had called from Mexico. We had a talk about everything and he told me that I didn't have to get married if I didn't want to. He said while it would be the ideal situation, marriage is a once in a lifetime thing and should be saved for people who truly loved one another. A baby was no reason to force marriage upon us. Being young and naive, I insisted that was what needed to happen because this baby needed to have a mom and dad. Although he was hurt, my dad said he supported whatever decision I made, but reminded me that I didn't have to if I didn't want to. It wasn't until I was older that I realized that dad saw things I didn't see.

A few months into my pregnancy, at nearly 20 weeks, I found out that my cervix was "short" and I had to be placed on bed rest. Seriously? I was 20 years old!!! I didn't want to stop living my life and stay in bed all day and all night, but I had to. If I wanted this baby to be healthy, I had to make sure to do whatever it took for him to survive and not make an early appearance, this included putting our wedding on hold. 8 years later, I truly believe that being placed on bed rest was an unofficial sign from God.

During the time I was home, I had PLENTY of time on my hands. I had time to think and be online and research. Research I did do. At 7 months pregnant and almost a year of being suspicious about his lies, I found out that C's dad had been cheating on me, with a wide array of girls (they were hardly women). I was devastated to think that the person whom I was supposed spend the rest of my life with would do that to me. I was sacrificing living my life for this baby, OUR baby, and he was out screwing around on me. It was the biggest betrayal I had ever felt in my life. I remember feeling numb with pain. It was the most awful feeling to be hurt like that. A feeling that I would never wish upon even my worst enemy.

For the couple of months leading up to C's delivery, from the time I found out about the infidelity of the person who had promised my parents and I that he would be there to accept the responsibility of husband and father, I tried my best to forgive and forget. I tried to think about the future and not the past, but it was too difficult. His manipulative ways were finally visible, and I was able to see through the facade he put up as someone who wanted nothing but the best for me and our baby, and see him as the lying, cheating, abusive selfish jerk that he was. 5 weeks after C was born, his "dad" verbally and physically abused me for the last time. I knew that I had someone else to live for, and I would never let my son be a witness to something like that. That was the beginning of my new life.

From that day forward, I was a single mother. I never realized how much that label carried until I was one. Waking up in the middle of the night for feedings. Giving baths. Changing diapers. Learning how to be a mom, as I went back to school when he was 3 months old, was one of the most difficult things I had ever had to do. There would be nights where I would cry, asking God why this happened to me. This wasn't on my checklist of life and I had to be the one to pay for the mistake I made by not choosing wisely. Had it not been for my parents, I would've never gotten through the past 7 1/2 years since C was born.

C would cry, and I would take him to my parent's room. When he was sick, I didn't know what to do, and went straight to my parents. I was so resentful for the life I was "stuck" with, that I found any excuse I could use to get out of the house. "School", "study groups", "projects", etc. I didn't want to be a mom. This wasn't fair. I didn't want to do this alone. I only thought about myself. Till this day, one of the biggest regrets I have ever had was letting mom and dad fill in when I couldn't. It should have been me doing all the work of taking care of him and raising him, BUT it wasn't. I can't take full credit for C being the AMAZING child that he is today because I haven't done most of the work needed to rear him. In that aspect, I feel like a failure. But I am so thankful for having their support to get through it all.

C's "dad" has been out of the picture for the past 5 1/2 years. He hasn't seen him since he was 2 years old, and really only started caring to ask about him over the course of the past year, as he is now a father to two of his own children (he's also married as well) and seeing what he is missing out on. It's way too late to try to fix what he has broken. C will ask questions from time to time about him, and while it's hard for me to answer, I do my best to explain to him the situation. He now calls him his "fake dad". He recently asked me when we could find him a "real dad."

As a mom, I strive to give my son everything I possibly can. I would hand him the moon if I could. It breaks my heart to not be able to give him the basic gift of a loving, responsible, respectful and consistent father. It makes me want to cry when I hear him talk about how "everyone" has a dad but him. He said he wishes he had a dad of his own, and not a grandpa that he calls dad. It's so painful to hear an innocent child talk that way. But such is the life of a woman working hard to do the job of a mother and father. A woman who isn't there to drop off her son and pick him up from school or volunteer in his class because I am busy working so that I can pay his tuition. A woman who struggles to give him the needs and wants of a 7 year old boy. It hurts my heart when I do my best to give him everything he needs, except the one thing that EVERY boy needs - a dad.

Had someone summed it up for me as to how hard this would be, maybe I would've made different life choices 10 years ago. Maybe I wouldn't have. While each day of being a single mother is a sacrifice, it is also very rewarding. The prize of having an amazing son who is smart, healthy compassionate and kind is the best thing I could have ever asked for. When I complain about all that I give up, I stop and think about him, and realize that his happiness is worthwhile. I love being a single mom - C's mom