Too Busy

It's so amazing how rapidly time flies and how rapidly things change. It seems like only yesterday, I was blogging about the decision to make a change in my life and start on my Bachelor's. Here I am, in the midst of week 3 out of my first ten week course, travelling full speed towards success. I'm making things happen, one day at a time, and I have never felt better about myself.

It feels so good to enjoy the fruits of my labor by seeing the grades I have earned weekly. Each 100 under my name is one step closer to getting an A, that I know I deserve.

With all this focus and time being spent on school, I have no time to be emotional over the fact that in about a month from now, my beautiful baby girl will be 6. No time to cry and be sad. Just time to be motivated and determined to finish and be one step closer to completing my goals. Once my goals are completed, I know I will have reached the ultimate happiness.

I really appreciate J and the support he has given me. It feels good when we find ourselves sacrificing our usual movie nights on the couch for homework time at the kitchen table. I love knowing that we keep each other balanced and that we are growing together. We are both making the sacrifices necessary to have that dream house, cars, vacations, and family that we always dreamed of. It is truly the best feeling to know that we are doing this together and plan on being there for every step of the way with one another.

I love my life, and I love the people who are actively in it. I love my amazing boyfriend and my wonderful son because they push me to strive for success and to reach my goals. The two of them, as well as little Miss Hope, make me want to be the best person I could possibly be and so much more. Yay for finally being in a good place in my life. It's so well deserved after all I have been through. Granted I am allowed my bad days, I don't desire to feel anything other than the way I feel right now - happy.

Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

It has been 3 1/2 days since I last saw J. The last time I saw him was Saturday, when he and I went to the movies after C's soccer game. Sadly, the next time I will see him will be Friday afternoon - I HOPE! This is probably the longest we have ever gone in our whole relationship without seeing each other.

I realized today how much I miss him. I mean, i've known all along how much I miss him, but today it really hit me how much. I'm so used to seeing him multiple times a week, and so just the thought of going 5 1/2 days without each other is tough. I'm pretty bummed out and super grumpy about this change. Before J started school, I had a feeling it would be like this, but I didn't think it would be this difficult for me.

With J having started the program, he is inundated with assignments that he needs to work on. That and the financial strain of the cost of his education on top of his regular expenses has made it difficult to come out and see me like he would. I completely understand the situation, and wish that there was something I could do to change it. But at the moment, there isn't.

One of the things J always makes fun of is that I think alot. I overthink and over analyze and think of worst case scenarios. I'm a nut, I know, but I can't help it. Its one of my flaws. I have come to the realization that during the past nearly 6 months, the burden of seeing each other has fallen on his shoulders since I don't have a car. We don't live very close to each other (25 miles between our houses) and yet he manages to pick me up and take me out to wherever we go. Granted it was like this in the old days of dating, where men courted women, I don't like that this has been his role. I feel helpless and stuck. I wish I had a car so that I could come to him when need be, and the burden could be shared between the both of us. Unfortunately, it's not an option at the moment.

I think what has really made me miss him more is that lately, I have been seeing quite a few blogs and articles containg engagement and wedding pictures. I have always enjoyed living vicariously through those pictures, probably because I always felt like I would never be so lucky. Never in my life have I wanted to be in my own set of pictures like I do with him. I think about all the possibilities for engagement photos and wedding locations. I'm a dork.. which is funny because never in my life have I thought about those things for myself.

Nearly 6 months into our relationship, I KNOW deep in my heart that J is the one for me. I know that I cannot go a day without hearing from him through text, im, or phone call. I know that he is the one who makes me smile and laugh when I'm having a blah day. He is the one who gives me strength when I feel like giving up. He motivates me to be the best person I could be, in all aspects of my life. I love who I am when I am with him, and I love the way he makes me feel. More importantly, I love that C is so comfortable around him, and I appreciate how protected he feels when we are with him. I can't imagine what my life would have been like without him in it. He truly inspires me to do the best I can because the end result is spending the rest of our lives together, and I want nothing more than that.

I never imagined my life wanting to wake up next to the same person everyday. I never thought about sharing a home and a family with someone. I never desired the things that I desire with him. Here I am, the girl who swore up and down growing up that I would never get married or have children, being a mom and hoping to one day be a wife... not just any wife, HIS WIFE.

Oh wow, that was just weird to say out loud. lol

It's almost amazing what a few days apart will make you realize. It has made me realize that J has taught me how to love whole heartedly. Little by little, he is teaching me that it's ok to trust and let go of all that I have held onto from my past. He is truly the sunshine on my dark and cloudy days. While I can't predict the future, and I know that the road ahead of us will be tough, I really hope that this relationship works out in a way that we both want it to. I am slowly learning to take life as it comes without having to overanalyze everything, and to be ok with opening up completely to him. I have to learn that if for some reason it doesn't work, then I take what I learned from him and US and apply it to the rest of my life. BUT, I doubt we won't work out, we're just way too awesome together...

Scared of Change

"It is not the strongest
of the species that survive,
nor the most intelligent,
but the one most responsive to change."

CHANGE....

ugh, I HATE that word. I hate that in life, it is inevitable. I hate that it could mean so many things. It could be good. It could be bad. It could be anything.

In this case, change means that J is on his way to embarking on a new endeavor. One that will open many doors and possibilities, and will bring him a better future. In about 8 hours, he will be attending orientation for the program he will be going to school for for the next 18 months. In addition to his three 24 hour shifts at work (Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday), he will be adding a discussion board on Monday, an online class on Wednesday and an all day class till 4:00pm on Saturdays. He will definitely be busy.

I just got home from spending the latter part of my day with him. We literally spent 10 hours of our time together, really enjoying each other's company. We cuddled and talked and napped, truly indulging in each other's presence, but in the midst of it all, in the back of my mind, I was worried. What am I so worried about? I should be a happy, loving and supportive girlfriend, appreciative of every moment spent together. There's no reason to be worried... or is there?

As it is, J and I don't have very much time together. I am stuck working an 8-5 job most of the week (except for Friday when I get off at 2pm). He's working 7am-7am 24 hour shifts starting Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday mornings. That leaves us with some Mondays after I get off of work to hit the gym together, Wednesdays to hang out or go to the gym, and Fridays and Saturdays to enjoy each other's company (thats if he doesn't switch shifts at work). Well, that's all obviously going to change. Internally, I'm freaking out about it.

I know that while it is entirely selfish, and I honestly hate feeling the insecurities of worrying about the inevitable change that is bound to happen in our relationship. I understand that he will need my support now, more than ever, to get through the next 18 months of hard work and dedication to succeeding through this program and a new career. I know that I shouldn't worry because I trust him and know that he's not only doing this for himself, but for me and our future together as well. It's just scary to not know what's going to come. It's scary to think of so many things that could go wrong. It's awful to think of all the scenarios that play out in the back of my mind of things that could go wrong, even if I do my job to be the best girlfriend I could be. I have faith in our relationship, that we are stronger in 5 months more than some couples are in 5 years.

It's scary when I think about all I have witnessed in life. I have seen all too often where a woman supports a man through schooling, or training, or something that will better his life. She is usually a strong woman who makes whatever sacrifices she can to be the rock for her man in his time of need. In many instances, I have seen where the guy has gotten through it and dropped his rock at the end of it all, for someone better, thinner, prettier, younger, or someone he has gone to school or training with, because she "understands".

I went into this relationship knowing that J wanted to better his life and career. It wasn't something that was just sprung up on me all of a sudden. It is one of the factors that made me fall in love with him. His strong desire to succeed and have more in life. He is goal driven and inspired to be someone more than what he is today, and I love that so much about him. I have to keep reminding myself that J is in fact different than anyone I have ever let into my life, let alone my heart. He is someone who I know won't let me down, and we will get through this change in our lives together. I need to remind myself to stop being selfish, and use this time away from each other to better myself, because no man, including my own, will want a future with someone who isn't as driven and motivated to succeed as he is.

The time spent away from one another will definitely suck. The change will definitely not be an easy one. As scared as I am of it all, the time is here for it to happen and I have to let go of all my insecurities and be the best "rock" I can be for J. I know it will be a long road ahead of us, but we will make it through. At least I hope we will....