"Why the f*** are you crying for? You're a day early. Save your useless tears for tomorrow"
~E (my "sister")
Yup, that was an actual quote from someone who is supposed to be my "family", on the day before my beautiful Hope is supposed to turn 6. I am currently sitting here, bawling my eyes out, so appalled by the audacity this excuse of a human being has for being so completely unable to comprehend what true human emotion is like. I am so upset and so hurt that this is who I am related to. I can't believe she had the nerve to make a comment like that, as she is so unaware of what a day in my shoes is like.
I HATE that my "family" can't understand that I am hurting, more than they even know. I HATE that they are so cold, and hurtful, and ugly on the inside. It's not just my sibling who is this ugly, it's my father, who has been acting like a jerk to me all week. I understand they may be "hurt" by my decision to place Hope for adoption 6 years ago, but they don't have the slightest inclination of what I am going through.
The past few weeks have been rough. I have been moving offices, going through the major change and work of "starting fresh" at a new office. I have worked late nearly everyday for the past 3 weeks. I have poured all my energy, sweat and hard work into my job, but at the end of the day, when all is said and done, the moment I have some alone time, I cry. It's the little calendar inside of me, slowly ticking and tocking as it gets closer to her birthday. I have started to hate the moment my days would end at work, or when dates would end with J, or when I found myself not doing anything. I had somewhat of an anxiety/panic attack a couple of weekends back, and almost feel one coming on today. I have worked way too damn hard to regress and go back to the piece of crap person I was, all because I'm consumed by so much grief and emotion.
Things with J have sucked. Not due to his part, but mine. I have been a shitty girlfriend. I am going through so much, and expect him to understand how I feel, but I almost forget to realize that he doesn't completely understand. He doesn't understand why his girlfriend of 9 months has been pushing him away nearly every chance she gets. He doesn't get why she just cries like a big fat baby, or why she's not "normal" and has no clue when or if she will ever be. He doesn't understand how much it hurts to "lose" a baby, not knowing if and when I will see her beautiful little face again. He doesn't get why it's such a big deal that I celebrate her birthday or am thinking about missing his dad's birthday dinner (his bday is the same day). He doesn't understand why I am adamant about checking my email so much, waiting to hear back from V&L, since I finally had the courage to send them an email last week. He doesn't get it, and I honestly can't expect him too, as much as I wish he could. He's a guy, who has never been through this (thank God), and although he is the best boyfriend in the world I could possibly have been given, he probably won't ever understand this - and that's ok. Really, it is. After all, he DID bring me cupcakes today to cheer me up and he held me for a LONG time while I cried in his arms. So while he doesn't always have the right words to say, I know I am super blessed to have such a supportive man by my side.
Speaking of the email I sent to V&L last week, I am struggling with the fact that I have yet to hear back from them. Granted, it's only been a week, and a holiday weekend has passed in between this time, I did ask if it was ok with them if I sent her a birthday gift, and her birthday is tomorrow. Obviously not enough time to get it to her before she turns 6. I was super careful with my wording, making sure not to overstep my boundaries:
Hello L & V,
I hope you don't mind me emailing you. I spoke with J at HFS and she said I should send you an email rather than try to go through her. If this is a problem, please let me know and I could stop and go through the agency if that's what you prefer. My main goal is to not overstep my boundaries with you both, so if at any time you feel uncomfortable with me contacting you, I can stop. I just feel that as I get older, I find myself wanting a better relationship with you so that when Hope finds out about me, she knows how much I love her and think about her.
I hope all is well with you and Hope. There is not a day that goes by where I don't think about her. I almost can't believe that her 6th birthday is coming up. It seems like just yesterday, I was meeting you both for the first time and we were anticipating the arrival of such a beautiful little lady. Time has flown by so fast. I could only imagine what she must be like. Is she in first grade now? Is she still doing karate and gymnastics? What is she into? Did you travel over the summer? I'd like to know as much as you could possibly tell me about her as I want to be able to paint a picture of the person who she has become.
As for me, life is great. I am working on my Bachelors degree at an online university, still working at a non-profit (5 years now), and in a wonderful, healthy relationship that may possibly lead to marriage :) C is doing amazingly well, having just started third grade and playing soccer. It's amazing how much he has fallen completely in love with the sport (I'm sure in part to his Brazilian and Mexican roots), but now every Saturday is spent at the park! We are doing well and are thriving, thankful for health, my job, and happiness.
I was wondering if it would be possible to ask for pictures from you of Hope. It's been a few months and I am dying to see more of her. I would love some birthday pictures if you have the opportunity to send me some. Also, I was wondering if it would be ok with you if I sent her a gift for her birthday.
Thank you for being the best parents to Hope that she could have possibly been blessed with. I am just as lucky as she is that she has the two of you to raise her to be the beautiful girl she is growing up to be and to give her the life I most certainly couldn't.Thank you for everything. I hope to hear from you soon.
I almost feel like I can't breath right now. I am slowly suffocating. The pain of waiting to hear back from them, as well as of having to deal with so many changes at work and with my family issues is completely overwhelming right now. I am so anxious and feeling so alone, even though I have joined an amazing support group for bm's on facebook. I feel like nothing I can do or than anyone can say will ease this pain, and just as in years past, the sadness will eventually go away and soon enough I will be back to my normal self.
As for my family, I just have to remember that there is nothing I can do to make them understand me or what I feel, as they will always have their own opinions and judgements about me. It's up to me to allow them to make me feel the way that I do, and I'm not going to let them. I made the best decision I could make for both of my children 6 years ago, and it's the same decision I would make had I been faced with that situation today. I have to live with that choice, and as long as I can sleep right at night knowing that I did what needed to be done and not regret it, then they could talk all the trash they want. Granted it hurts like hell, I know where they stand in my life, and have come to the conclusion that I don't want them in my future - AT ALL.
I have so much more to write and to say, but I guess it can wait till tomorrow when my head is clear and my mind and heart aren't so numb. Wish me luck, as it's looking like a long day ahead and lots more tears. I'm hoping to celebrate her life and the 6 years she has been on this earth tomorrow morning with J by my side, and am hoping to not have to come home to deal with this madness. I can't do it. Not tomorrow, and I wish not ever.
Happy early birthday, sweetheart. Mama loves you... forever and always <3
It really upsets me that your sister would say something like that to you, but then again, doesn't surprise me because I "know" them... It's true that we, as Birth Mothers, cannot expect people to understand how it feels to have a piece of your heart missing, to understand how it feels to not be able to celebrate our child's birthday with them, to see them blow out their candles and open their presents, or just to give them a kiss and say "Happy Birthday Baby". We can't expect people to understand that fully, but what I don't understand is how someone in your own family can be SO ignorant. "Save it for tomorrow"?? I WISH we only felt sad ONE day of the year. I WISH it was that easy, to hold in tears every single day and release them on one day only. Does she not know how it feels to lose ANYTHING? When you have a loved one die, do you only cry on the day of their funeral, or the anniversary of their death? Emotions do not work that way honey. I'd like to say to your sister to shut her mouth and thank god that she DOESN'T know how it feels. I just wish people would accept that they DON'T know how it feels and have a little respect for something YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! I don't know how it feels to have a leg amputated, but I'm not going to tell someone that DOES know that they're silly for missing their leg. - I read a story about a man who's leg was amputated and the way he spoke about having something "missing" that should be there and that he could still FEEL it there even though it was gone. He MOURNED the loss of his leg and even admitted he felt silly saying it that way, but when a physical piece of you is gone, how else does the brain react? ... I literally started laughing because it was so accurate to how I felt. Missing my child is the same as someone losing a limb. LOL It sounds so funny to me, but it's true. A piece of your heart is not there. I wish people who had their full hearts could be aware of how lucky they are.
ReplyDeleteI love you Michelle. I know that I do not need to say this to you, because you KNOW it, but you are not alone. Your emotions are not unwarranted. Your tears are not useless. You have every right to mourn the piece of your heart that is missing.
As for J - Bless his heart for trying so hard. Bart and I have been together for almost 9 years. He's been around since Dustin was less than a year old, so he's been here for EVERY birthday.... he still struggles with understanding. Not only do men view things differently than women, but a man that has no children struggles understanding it EVEN MORE, because they have not yet experienced the overwhelming power that comes from you when you see and hold your child. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if someday, when Bart becomes a Father, if he'll understand just a little bit more how it would feel to let go of such a overwhelming power.