Crazy, Beautiful Life

"Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated."

~ Confucius

I know it has been a long time since I updated this blog. So much has happened over the past few weeks, I don't even know where to start. It's almost amazing how looking back at the past month, I have realized how many ups and downs I have gone through, yet am still standing, making it through it all.

Earlier this month, I had the opportunity to meet J's entire family. Every year, his family has a family reunion, which was at his house this year. In the 8 months I have been dating J, I had heard many stories about his family, whom he holds to such a high regard. It was very nice to meet every aunt, uncle and cousin he has talked about, although there were some that were missing. I have never, ever felt so welcomed and such a part of the family. I was grateful to have such an opportunity to meet some amazing people.

Of those amazing people, one of the biggest influences on what a great time I had was J's cousin, A. A and I had been Facebook friends for awhile before she and her family made it down to California from Colorado for family reunion week. A reminds me a lot of myself when I was her age (nearly 20) and she and I seemed to have hit it off right off the bat. We got to talk a lot, and the Facebook relationship we had built seemed to have only been strengthened by meeting in person. I am glad I took time off from work, which I rarely ever do, to go to the Orange County Fair, shopping, to Ports O Call, and to do more shopping with J's immediate and Colorado family. I had a great time, but had a really hard time saying goodbye when it was time for them to go back to Colorado. I cried the whole way home from J's house to mine, mostly because I was going to miss A and her incredible family, and also because I knew I wasn't going to be as busy as I was. Them being here in town meant me almost forgetting what has really been in the back of my mind... Hope's birthday.

I feel like as soon as J's family festivities were over, the weight of what is to come next month hit me like a ton of bricks. I have been on a roller coaster of emotions since the beginning of the month, and I almost feel overwhelmed by my thoughts and feelings. I wish there was a way to control it and to not let my feelings get the best of me, but I can't and I find that I am crying much more often than I have in a long time.

I recently got news that things at work are going to change. I'm not sure I could say much for the change other than I am having a hard time with the fact that they are letting someone go, whose spot I will be taking over. I feel bad that it's not because this woman is a bad employee, just that they felt I was a better one. Its been tough, and I am not looking forward to the adjustments and the change that is about to occur over the course of the next few weeks.

With all of that, and school, and a child, and keeping my wonderful boyfriend happy, I got to add getting into a car accident onto my list of things. Yup, I got into ANOTHER one. Not very fun at all, but I am ok and so is my friend, and that's all that matters. Ok, maybe not all that matters... I am sore and achy and I hurt all over. I wish this pain would go away, as its been nearly a week since the accident occurred, but it is looking like it will be awhile before it does. I am most grateful that I could walk and be as normal as I could possibly be, just without the ability to carry my big purse or heavy boxes. This accident, however, made me realize who my true friends are, as they are the ones who have sent me texts or phone calls or facebook messages, asking me if I was alright. I have decided that those who didn't care enough to even send a simple message aren't people I should worry about to spend my time or focus on. It was a great way to turn a "bad" thing into a good one, as I was able to figure out who truly cared about me.

I have had so many thoughts flying through my head lately, at such a high rate of speed that I can't even catch them and put them in any particular order. This may seem like "thought vomit" so here it goes, in no particular order:

• My relationship with J has been fabulous, as it seems to get better and better each day (when I'm not pushing him away due to my own personal issues).
• C is starting the third grade in just a few days and I am overwhelmed but excited for him.
• It is coming on to 5 months since I last received pictures of Miss Hope. I called the adoption agency and spoke to the woman in charge of pictures and letters and she said I should email them again. I have had an email sitting in my drafts box of my email, waiting for me to grab the courage and just send it.
• In addition to the changes at work, I am applying for a position at a call center for Options United, a non-profit pro-life agency in Pasadena, working the hotline for women who have found themselves in unplanned pregnancies. I am really excited for this opportunity, but I am scared at the same time, as I am afraid it will bring up old memories or pain from my past. But as I always say, if my life experiences could help just one person or change one life, my purpose in life has been served and completed.
• My relationship with my family is still crap. It's off and on and off and on. I feel like I have a better relationship with J's parents than I do my own, and they seem to care more about what is going on in my life than my own. It amazes me that my parents don't ever ask me how school is going, and that's all that J's parents ever ask me about each and every time they see me
• I am starting week 7 of my first class tomorrow. 3 more weeks left in this quarter. I cant believe how fast time seems to be flying
• My beautiful, sweet daughter will be 6 years old in 19 days. I am an emotional wreck, and I wish I wasn't. I hate crying and not being able to stop, almost for what seems to be no apparent reason for anyone who has to deal with me.
• J and I started playing a game that was probably the best thing I could've ever suggested. Each day for the past three and hopefully for the next 4 or 5 days, we pick 10 things that we love about the other and text them to each other. My plan is to eventually put all these things in a blog, for him and for me, so that when we are having a rough day, we can look at them and be reminded of all the amazing things the other person loves about us. I am excited for this new little project.

All in all, even though I have been through my share of "bad luck" these past few weeks, I am feeling blessed and fortunate to be able to walk, and live and love. I'm looking to probably get back to writing more since I know for a fact that I am going to need a place to vent my feelings and frustrations over the next few weeks. I just needed to get out all the crazy, beautiful things that are happening in my life.

Did They Forget?

"The worst feeling isn't being lonely. It's being forgotten by someone you would never forget." - Unknown

"Forgotten" seems like such a terrible word. When I looked up its definition in the dictionary, I got that it means: Not noticed inadvertently; No longer known; Dismissed from the mind. It is the perfect description to how I feel right now.

When I made the decision to place Hope for adoption 6 years ago, I knew very little of what it entailed. I tried to research as much as I could, but there wasn't very much information to be found on the Internet. I knew that I did not want a closed adoption, as I wanted to know about her and her well-being, but I did not want an open adoption because I felt like that was intrusion on her life, as well as for the life of her a-parents. The best decision I could have come up with at the time was a semi-open adoption, with the decision made by myself and Hope's a-parents to receive pictures and letters four times a year. I didn't know I could ask to see her once a year, maybe for her birthday. I didn't think to ask, and I surely didn't know that the older I got, the more I would regret that I failed to make that request.

When I signed over the relinquishment papers on September 11, 2005, I signed them over under the agreement that I would get pictures and letters of my beautiful daughter four times a year. I signed away my rights as her parent with the expectation imprinted in my mind that I would still be able to follow her life and her growth from the sidelines.

At first, the pictures and letters came as expected. I got pictures of her first Halloween as a pumpkin and her first Christmas. I got pictures of her at Valentine's Day and Easter. I was able to enjoy pictures of her with her cousins and some of her on vacation. Every time an envelope arrived in the mail, I was ecstatic by getting to see that the sacrifice I made was so incredibly worth it, as the beautiful smile on her face is priceless.

As time wore on, I have started to get pictures less frequently. I find that most of the time, I have to contact the adoption agency for pictures of her, leaving them to do the work of contacting them to hold up their end of the agreement. It almost feels as though they are trying to pull teeth, as the common excuse is that they have been busy and have not had the time to send pictures. The lady in charge of the post-adoption correspondence at the adoption agency I worked with says that this is quite common. She said that oftentimes, the birth parents who would like to hear from the a-parents have to keep after them to get the pictures and letters they initially agreed on, and usually, the birth parents who want no reminder of their children are the ones with a-parents who are constantly sending them mail. It's an unfair world.

At the request of the picture lady (as I call her), I wrote a letter to V&L, Hope's a-parents a few months ago. It was a short and simple letter telling them about how well I am doing in my life and about how much I look forward to the pictures and letters I receive from them every so often. I hoped it would be a reminder that I am still here, expecting that they hold up their end of our agreement. I mentioned that every time I got pictures of Hope, it gave me extra motivation to succeed. I offered my email address and said that if it was more convenient for them to correspond electronically, I would be happy with that.

A few weeks after I sent the card, on March 28th, I woke up and checked my email (as I do first thing every morning). I had an email from a name I didn't recognize titled "Pictures to Share". It was a simple note that said,

"Hello M,

Thanks for the nice note. It's good to hear that you and C are doing well. Social work seems like a good fit for you.
- V"

The email contained a link for a Kodak picture gallery with about 12 pictures of Hope. The pictures were from her at school, in her Halloween costume, during Christmas, at gymnastics, and on Valentine's Day. While there was nothing more said about Hope and her growth or her personality or anything else about her, it was the best unexpected surprise to see how beautiful and grown she is. It truly made my day. It took me awhile to respond to them, as I didn't know what to say, but I made sure to let them know how much I appreciated them sending me mail and that I always look forward to hearing from them. I felt like it was important to reiterate what I had written in the note I had originally sent them.

It's been 4 months since that email, and I have yet to hear back from V&L. No response to my email. No more links to anymore photo galleries. I have no pictures in my mailbox, nothing. I could choose to be angry at them and talk trash like most other birth moms do about their a-parents when their end of the deal is not held up, but I prefer not to. Talking bad about them would be immature and childish, as I was the one who selected them to be my daughter's parents. I do my best to be as understanding as possible as they both must be busy trying to maintain their daily lives with work, a home and a child. I make excuses for them in my head, reminding them that it is summer time and they are probably on vacation to some exotic place, as they usually take trips to various places.

It's hard not to feel like I am forgotten, though. I understand that they went through a lot to try to get pregnant and that dealing with infertility must have taken such an emotional toll on them. I get that they probably want to live their lives as normal as possible, trying to forget that they don't really share the same blood as their beautiful little girl.  They are, after all, her parents. They are the ones who brought her home from the hospital. The people who stayed up all night when she was hungry, or sick, or fussy. They have raised her to be the amazing little girl that she is. They are the nurture while I am the nature. Could nature really be forgotten?

I wonder if V&L look at her beautiful smile, or her big brown eyes, or her wildly curly hair and think to themselves which piece of her came from them. I wonder if people stop them on the street and compliment the cute little girl with them, saying she looks like her dad (who is also Hispanic). I wonder if they tell people she was adopted, or if they let the world believe that they created her, forgetting that I am also a part of that picture.

I know, it probably sounds like the rant of a crazy woman, since I was the one who chose to place her for adoption in the first place. Regardless of what excuse they have this time for not sending pictures, I'm not mad. I do my best to understand. Maybe being forgotten is a part of the process, and I just have to live with the fact that they just want to live as normal of a life as possible so that they can forget that they don't share the same blood as their daughter. I know I probably would. I just wish it was as easy for me to forget that we do.

It's That Time of Year Again

"The moment a child is born, the mother is also born.  She never existed before.  The woman existed, but the mother, never.  A mother is something absolutely new."
  ~Rajneesh

I have been celebrating Mother's Day every year for the past 8 years, since I was pregnant with C. I will never forget that awkward Mother's Day when my parents had only known I was pregnant for 2 weeks at that point. It was tough for our whole family as well as myself to accept that in just 6 months from that point, I would be an actual mother. I was only 20 years old.

Of the past 8 years, 5 of those years have taken an emotional toll on me. I would say 6, but the Mother's Day I was pregnant with Hope, I was in denial that that was actually happening to me. Every year, I get bitchy, and sad, and mean, and angry and I tend to push people away from me. I get overwhelmed with these emotions and rather than do something productive to honor my daughter who I haven't held in my arms these past 5 1/2 years, I cave. I fall into this deep, dark area in my heart that takes me a long time to get out of.

I wish I could just embrace the fact that I am obviously still a mom and should celebrate the gifts God has given me. I am C's mom. I am also Hope's mom, regardless of if she knows I exist or not. I wish I could be happy for these little blessings and miracles of life rather than keep punishing myself for the mistakes I made. I wish these tears would stop falling from my eyes and that this feeling of sadness starting weeks prior to Mother's Day would just wash away, and I could be happy and free once again.

I tried to explain this to J, since day one when we started dating nearly 5 months ago. It's so easy to tell someone "Btw, there are two times out of the year that I get pretty emotional -- Mother's Day and her birthday." He probably thought 'this won't be that bad'. But it's pretty bad. There's nothing worse than being told by your boyfriend that you are no longer the girl that he first started dating, and he just wants his girlfriend back. Sigh.... but this IS ME! This is a part of who I am. I so badly wish it wasn't, but it is, and take it or leave it, but that emotional wreck that comes only two times a year is the same girl who was amazingly happy and positive for the first 3 1/2- 4 months of our relationship! I'm so glad he hasn't taken the fact that I push him away personally. I hope he doesn't give up on me when I need him there for me the most. It's really difficult to be needy and to want to be comforted, and I'm glad that he does it regardless. I am super lucky to have him as my boyfriend and am thankful that I have someone so supportive by my side.

There are two more weeks until Birthmothers Day and Mother's Day, so I know this won't be the first of this empty feeling. I am thankful for the love and support that I have from my close friends and from J. I am so glad that I have things such as work, and school, and C to occupy my time and get through another year marked off the calendar. A few more weeks of pushing myself to get through the days without crying because I am tired of being sad.