Tangled

With it being the last weekend before school starts for C, I let him stay up late one last night before we start getting ready for new sleep hours. Last night, after I got home from an amazing date with J, C and I cuddled up in bed and watched Tangled on Netflix.

Tangled is basically the Disney version of Rapunzel. She was the daughter of the king and queen of the land they lived in who was taken and raised by a mean woman when she was a baby. Rapunzel wasn't allowed to leave the tower she lived in, but when she turned 18, she snuck out to see the lanterns that were released every year on her birthday. She eventually found out she was the missing princess and was reunited with her parents.

In the movie, there was a scene where it was her birthday, and the king and queen were so sad. C asked me if I would be sad if my son was taken away from me. I said of course. I said, "I understand how they feel. I miss my daughter everyday." C looked at me with alarm and said "Whaaaat? What are you talking about, mom?" I said, "Hope, baby. Hope is my daughter. She's your sister." He said, "No mom, Hope has parents. She's not your daughter." I tried to explain that she came from my tummy to their arms. It was a pretty difficult conversation to have with a 7 year old so we just continued to watch the movie.

Later on, C mentioned something about how the mean lady had adopted Rapunzel. I paused the movie and asked him if he knew what adoption meant and he said, "Yes, mom. Adoption is when people who can't have a baby are given a baby by someone who doesn't want theirs." I explained to him that that wasn't the case. I told him that just because someone is placed for adoption doesn't mean that their birthparent didn't want them, it meant that they loved them enough to give them a life that they wouldn't be able to give them have they stayed with them. It was a pretty heavy talk that resulted in me staying up till 3:30am with so many thoughts running through my head.

I have tried to be open with C as much as I possibly could about Hope since the very beginning. Although he wasn't even two years old yet when she was born, I have tried my best to talk about her and share with him that he has a sister. I don't think he ever really believed it because this "sister" was no where around. I have tried to share pictures of her, but realized that each time someone mentioned how much they looked alike, he would act out. It wasn't until last night that I realized he fully doesn't understand the situation and that worries me.

I am worried that as C gets older and learns more, he will grow to resent me. He wants a sibling so bad, and the fact that he has one who he doesn't know, and it's all my fault, makes me feel pretty bad. I know I made the right choice, as they both wouldn't be able to live the life they live if it weren't for my choice to place her for adoption, but it doesn't make it any easier. I just pray he'll understand, I pray they both will.

I thought about trying to explain more about adoption and the situation with Hope, but I don't want to push more on my little guy than I have to. I want him to keep hold of his innocence and never let it go. I want him to be a normal kid, not having to think or worry about the mistakes and choices I have made in the past. I figure that I will tell him more as he gets older if we are stuck in the same situation.

Leave it up to a Disney movie to leave me just as Tangled as Rapunzel's hair. I am glad we got to watch the movie together, and it was a great movie, but I'm not so glad about the unexpected conversation that came from it with C. But, such is another day in the life of a mom who is also a birthmom.

Crazy, Beautiful Life

"Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated."

~ Confucius

I know it has been a long time since I updated this blog. So much has happened over the past few weeks, I don't even know where to start. It's almost amazing how looking back at the past month, I have realized how many ups and downs I have gone through, yet am still standing, making it through it all.

Earlier this month, I had the opportunity to meet J's entire family. Every year, his family has a family reunion, which was at his house this year. In the 8 months I have been dating J, I had heard many stories about his family, whom he holds to such a high regard. It was very nice to meet every aunt, uncle and cousin he has talked about, although there were some that were missing. I have never, ever felt so welcomed and such a part of the family. I was grateful to have such an opportunity to meet some amazing people.

Of those amazing people, one of the biggest influences on what a great time I had was J's cousin, A. A and I had been Facebook friends for awhile before she and her family made it down to California from Colorado for family reunion week. A reminds me a lot of myself when I was her age (nearly 20) and she and I seemed to have hit it off right off the bat. We got to talk a lot, and the Facebook relationship we had built seemed to have only been strengthened by meeting in person. I am glad I took time off from work, which I rarely ever do, to go to the Orange County Fair, shopping, to Ports O Call, and to do more shopping with J's immediate and Colorado family. I had a great time, but had a really hard time saying goodbye when it was time for them to go back to Colorado. I cried the whole way home from J's house to mine, mostly because I was going to miss A and her incredible family, and also because I knew I wasn't going to be as busy as I was. Them being here in town meant me almost forgetting what has really been in the back of my mind... Hope's birthday.

I feel like as soon as J's family festivities were over, the weight of what is to come next month hit me like a ton of bricks. I have been on a roller coaster of emotions since the beginning of the month, and I almost feel overwhelmed by my thoughts and feelings. I wish there was a way to control it and to not let my feelings get the best of me, but I can't and I find that I am crying much more often than I have in a long time.

I recently got news that things at work are going to change. I'm not sure I could say much for the change other than I am having a hard time with the fact that they are letting someone go, whose spot I will be taking over. I feel bad that it's not because this woman is a bad employee, just that they felt I was a better one. Its been tough, and I am not looking forward to the adjustments and the change that is about to occur over the course of the next few weeks.

With all of that, and school, and a child, and keeping my wonderful boyfriend happy, I got to add getting into a car accident onto my list of things. Yup, I got into ANOTHER one. Not very fun at all, but I am ok and so is my friend, and that's all that matters. Ok, maybe not all that matters... I am sore and achy and I hurt all over. I wish this pain would go away, as its been nearly a week since the accident occurred, but it is looking like it will be awhile before it does. I am most grateful that I could walk and be as normal as I could possibly be, just without the ability to carry my big purse or heavy boxes. This accident, however, made me realize who my true friends are, as they are the ones who have sent me texts or phone calls or facebook messages, asking me if I was alright. I have decided that those who didn't care enough to even send a simple message aren't people I should worry about to spend my time or focus on. It was a great way to turn a "bad" thing into a good one, as I was able to figure out who truly cared about me.

I have had so many thoughts flying through my head lately, at such a high rate of speed that I can't even catch them and put them in any particular order. This may seem like "thought vomit" so here it goes, in no particular order:

• My relationship with J has been fabulous, as it seems to get better and better each day (when I'm not pushing him away due to my own personal issues).
• C is starting the third grade in just a few days and I am overwhelmed but excited for him.
• It is coming on to 5 months since I last received pictures of Miss Hope. I called the adoption agency and spoke to the woman in charge of pictures and letters and she said I should email them again. I have had an email sitting in my drafts box of my email, waiting for me to grab the courage and just send it.
• In addition to the changes at work, I am applying for a position at a call center for Options United, a non-profit pro-life agency in Pasadena, working the hotline for women who have found themselves in unplanned pregnancies. I am really excited for this opportunity, but I am scared at the same time, as I am afraid it will bring up old memories or pain from my past. But as I always say, if my life experiences could help just one person or change one life, my purpose in life has been served and completed.
• My relationship with my family is still crap. It's off and on and off and on. I feel like I have a better relationship with J's parents than I do my own, and they seem to care more about what is going on in my life than my own. It amazes me that my parents don't ever ask me how school is going, and that's all that J's parents ever ask me about each and every time they see me
• I am starting week 7 of my first class tomorrow. 3 more weeks left in this quarter. I cant believe how fast time seems to be flying
• My beautiful, sweet daughter will be 6 years old in 19 days. I am an emotional wreck, and I wish I wasn't. I hate crying and not being able to stop, almost for what seems to be no apparent reason for anyone who has to deal with me.
• J and I started playing a game that was probably the best thing I could've ever suggested. Each day for the past three and hopefully for the next 4 or 5 days, we pick 10 things that we love about the other and text them to each other. My plan is to eventually put all these things in a blog, for him and for me, so that when we are having a rough day, we can look at them and be reminded of all the amazing things the other person loves about us. I am excited for this new little project.

All in all, even though I have been through my share of "bad luck" these past few weeks, I am feeling blessed and fortunate to be able to walk, and live and love. I'm looking to probably get back to writing more since I know for a fact that I am going to need a place to vent my feelings and frustrations over the next few weeks. I just needed to get out all the crazy, beautiful things that are happening in my life.

Facing Fears

"The key to change… is to let go of fear.” –Rosanne Cash

I've been doing quite a bit of thinking lately. I've been so focused on the inevitable change we're about to face now that J is about to start school. I've been so caught up in his life that I haven't focused on mine. Why should he go on to make things happen for himself and me not do the same? Why would he want someone with no drive to succeed in her life? I'm smart and am filled with determination to make something out of myself.... or was that all talk?

This semester, I registered for a full load of classes, boasting about how I really didn't have too many left to do so that I could transfer. On top of a full time job, full time child, and full time boyfriend, I thought I would be brave and add a full course schedule. Oh how I was so ridiculously wrong. After a few weeks of going full speed, I crashed... and burned. I ended up so completely overwhelmed, I had to drop classes because I was so behind. This made me feel like such a failure. I did so well last semester and was so proud of myself, and this completely ruined my self-esteem. It's no wonder I have been so scared of the change we are about to face. I didn't want to be left with nothing to be proud of for myself.

The day of C's First Communion, my aunt and I had a talk about school. She was telling me I needed to hurry up and get out of the community college. She said I needed to transfer and move on with my life already. I knew it needed to be done, but it was a wake up call resonating in the back of my mind this past week and a half. That mixed with the fact that J started school on Saturday and the thought of wanting to move forward with my life and be someone C (and Hope) could be proud of got the wheels in this head of mine spinning.

I had to stop being afraid of change. I needed to take a step forward with my future and make my life different than what it currently is. I needed to just get up and say "F*@! IT" and do what I gotta do to get ahead.

Today, I put my fears aside and took a step forward with my life. I applied for Capella University, an online college a friend of mine recently obtained a Masters degree from. I got all the information necessary and decided it would be a great fit for me and my busy lifestyle. My goal will be to obtain a Bachelors in Arts in Public Service with a focus in Criminal Justice, my original major that I chose to pursue right out of high school. I figured that since Capella doesn't offer a Social Work program, I could finish off the Criminal Justice degree and get my Masters in Social Work when I am done. My projected end date, if all my classes transfer, is 2 to 2.5 year from now and I'll have a Bachelors degree in my possession. Whoa... talk about a change, right?

I'm a little overwhelmed with this decision. It was a big decision to make on my own. I consulted with J to get his opinion on my decision, especially because this means I will incur some debt in student loans. He totally supported my choice and said whatever debt I take on from this we will deal with (he also joked that he would pimp me out to pay for both of our student loans). With that, I made the move and spoke with an enrollment counselor and next thing I knew, I was going through the application process. Next step is financial aid.

Omg!

I'm actually doing this. If all goes well, I will be starting school on July 11th. Do I even believe this is happening? Not yet. At least not until I have confirmation that this is really going to happen. I am excited and nervous, but so thankful to finally be able to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I am determined to complete this with success, moreso because I have so many more things I would like to accomplish with my life.

I'm not planning on telling anyone other than whoever is reading this blog about this step in my life. I plan on letting people believe I am going to community college to obtain my Associates and slapping them in the face with the diploma that says I'm ready for the next step. My goal is to prove to everyone who thought I would always be a failure wrong and show them, as well as myself and my children that the mistakes I have made in my life shouldn't have had to determine what my future would be like. So yay me, for taking a chance and making a change. It won't be an easy road ahead, but getting to my destination will be worth so it in the end.