Teen Mom = Story of My Life

Anyone who truly knows me, knows how much I love the MTV show, Teen Mom. I have been following these girls since they started on 16 and Pregnant. I feel as though I have a connection with each of the girls on the show, as I find that they each represent a struggle I've been through or am going through. I have even blogged about the show for the Birthmom Buds blog and about how much the show has helped me start the grieving process as a birthmom, as I found that I could really relate to what Catelynn and Tyler were going through.

I find that almost each episode of Teen Mom has me in tears, as the girls are always facing something I could relate to. Last night's show was no different, in fact, I think it hit me harder than usual for some reason. I found myself relating to Farrah, as she wants to move away to start a life of her own. While I don't always entirely agree with the girl and her choices or the type of person she is, I completely understand her desire to get away and do things on her own. I am 28 years old and finding that I wish I could get away and live life on my own with C. I feel like my parents have some sort of control over me because they help me out with C so much. It's been nearly 8 years since he was born, and I feel like they always hold it over my head that they help me out and I wish I was as ballsy as Farrah to just say I want out. If it was affordable enough to have a place of my own and still afford C's tuition, I probably would be able to make that happen.

In last night's episode, Maci was talking about wanting to have babies with Kyle. She saw the way that Kyle is with Bentley and how he would make a great dad. She talked about wanting to have a baby that was theirs, one she didn't want to have to share on the weekends. I feel like I could relate. While I don't have to share C with his "dad" the way that Maci has to share custody, I do see the way that J is with C and I can't help but fall in love with him over and over again, as he is amazing with him. I see so many qualities in J that make me realize what an amazing dad he would be to his own children; Qualities that make me see what an amazing husband he would be as well.

During the show, Maci had dinner with her friends and told them about how she and Kyle had the baby talk. They were somewhat shocked and reminded her of the pain and suffering she went through with Ryan, her ex. They reminded her of the nights he wouldn't come home and left her at home to take care of their child. He got to go out and be a teenager while she had to stay home and grow up. No woman ever expects their man to walk out on them when they are pregnant with their child. No woman expects to raise a child on their own. No woman ever really plans on having to deal with the trauma of realizing that their man just isn't ready to grow up, while at that point, there's no choice and growing up and being responsible is the only option.

Maci's friends told her they didn't want to see her go through the same things she had gone through in the past with Kyle. It made me think about my own life and why after I had C, I always said I didn't want more children. I've always had the fear of being put in the same situation I found myself in 8 years ago. I don't want to ever have to raise another child alone again. It's been a long and difficult road and the last thing I want is to have to do it again without someone by my side. Being with J has made the worry and fear go away enough for me to be able to talk about wanting a family and babies of our own. It has made it a lot easier to discuss marriage and what the next step of our relationship would be. It's amazing how much trust I have in him and how much faith I have in the future outcomes of this relationship. It's a feeling I have never in my life felt, and while it is scary, it feels right. I know that he would be a great dad like mine was. I know that he will be an amazing husband like my dad has been to my mom. I know that we make a great team and I am no longer afraid of having to raise another baby alone (when we get to that point), because I know that J would never let that happen.

One of the biggest things about last night's show that has really affected me and has been resonating in my mind is the whole part about Catelynn and Tyler. There are a few things that got to me in this episode:

1. The episode started off with them meeting up with their adoption advisor to pick up pictures of Carly (one thing I am super jealous of). Tyler asked if it would be ok to invite Carly's family to graduation 6 months down the line. It was suggested that he write a letter to Carly's a-parents to give them time to make that decision.
2. Tyler and Catelynn went shopping with their parents to buy gifts for Carly for Christmas. Tyler's dad got really emotional and said that he wanted to send her a gift even though she didn't know who he is.
3. Tyler's mom called Brandon and Theresa (the a-parents), and really freaked them out, especially since she had mentioned graduation. It put Catelynn and Tyler in a place where they were trying to figure out their parents involvement in the adoption. In one scene, Catelynn said that when she made the choice for adoption, she never thought about how that would involve their families, something I could totally relate to. Seeing how much the family has been affected by their choice made me look at my own stuff.

Here's what I am thinking about:

1. Seeing Catelynn and Ty talk about wanting Carly at graduation made me reflect on my own life. I have thought about it time and time again about how much Hope is a part of my life, even though she probably doesn't know I exist. I think about how hard I work in my everyday life to get ahead, and how much she is a part of that motivation to succeed as much as C is. When I made my adoption plan, I didn't think she would ever be as much a part of my day to day thoughts as she has become, and I never thought that she would be such a big part of my decision making and thought processes as she has become. I would love to have her at my graduation from college one day, and I most definitely would die complete if she were at my wedding. I think about how much I wish I could share my successes in life with her and how I don't ever think that would be possible, and it makes me sad. It honestly breaks my heart and has me in tears to think that this little girl has no idea how much she has changed my life, and i wish I could tell her.
2. Watching Catelynn and Ty shop for Christmas gifts made me feel like such a bad birthmom. In the past 6 years, I have attempted to shop for Hope for birthdays, holidays, and just because. I have found myself buying her birthday cards but never sending them. I don't know what to buy or say or do.The last time I bought Hope a gift was when she was first born, when my mom and I took some things we had purchased to the adoption agency and sent them for her. Since then, I have found myself going to the store with the intention of getting her something, and leaving empty handed as I search through the store and realize I have no idea what she likes.  I don't know what is right or wrong. I don't want to share too much or over cross my boundaries. I seriously don't know what the proper etiquette is when it comes to communicating with my daughter, especially when I don't know if her parents have shared with her that she is adopted. This is one of my struggles as it seems as though V & L are very protective and hesitant, even to send me pictures.
3. I completely understand the struggle that Catelynn and Ty are having with their families and their desire of involvement. When I found myself pregnant with Hope, I thought about how adding another child to the family would affect my immediate family. I thought about the adverse effects to everyone's lives, but never really thought about how it would be difficult emotionally. While placing a baby for adoption is an unselfish decision, I have come to realize how the adoption itself has been selfish. I find myself not wanting to share the pictures and letters I get. I don't want to include my family into any of my plan. I don't like when my family talks about the adoption or bad-mouths V&L for not sending more pictures because I PICKED THEM to be MY daughter's parents. I know that she is very much a part of them as she is of me, and that they are hurting as well, but I also feel like they have NO idea as to what it has been like to grow this baby in my tummy and place her in the arms of another family. Granted, they are in pain because they had no say in the decision I made, they have NO IDEA what pain I live with day in and day out and they choose to not acknowledge the fact that this hurts me more than them.

I find that the older I get, the more my mind races with things I didn't think about 6 years ago when I made my adoption plan. I think about how at this time, in 2005, I was meeting V & L for the first time and deciding that they were who my baby was going to call mom and dad. I didn't have much knowledge of adoption, I just knew that there was open and closed adoptions. When I heard about semi-open adoptions, I didn't know about what they entailed and thought that it only meant I was allowed pictures and letters. I had no clue that I could've possibly requested a face to face meeting once a year. If there's any regret I have, it's not requesting that option.

I feel that as the years go by, I want to see her. I want to hug her and kiss her and tell her I love her. I want to see for myself what a beautiful little girl she has become and I want to hear her laugh and see her smile. It weighs in heavy on my heart that I don't really know when the next time I will see her will be. I feel so sad at the fact that I was so uneducated about my options, and feel like now it's just a waiting game and lots of prayer to have the ability to meet her again.

Even though I am not a teen, I am thankful for Teen Mom and the fact that it shows me that the things I am going through and the thoughts I am having are normal, even at my age. I also like the fact that the show has helped J understand a lot more about adoption, in turn helping him understand a lot more about me. It has helped give him perspective and caused him to ask questions he probably wouldn't have thought to ask had it not been for the show. I just wish that each show wouldn't cause me to cry like a baby every time. lol

I am definitely looking forward to the rest of the season...

Too Busy

It's so amazing how rapidly time flies and how rapidly things change. It seems like only yesterday, I was blogging about the decision to make a change in my life and start on my Bachelor's. Here I am, in the midst of week 3 out of my first ten week course, travelling full speed towards success. I'm making things happen, one day at a time, and I have never felt better about myself.

It feels so good to enjoy the fruits of my labor by seeing the grades I have earned weekly. Each 100 under my name is one step closer to getting an A, that I know I deserve.

With all this focus and time being spent on school, I have no time to be emotional over the fact that in about a month from now, my beautiful baby girl will be 6. No time to cry and be sad. Just time to be motivated and determined to finish and be one step closer to completing my goals. Once my goals are completed, I know I will have reached the ultimate happiness.

I really appreciate J and the support he has given me. It feels good when we find ourselves sacrificing our usual movie nights on the couch for homework time at the kitchen table. I love knowing that we keep each other balanced and that we are growing together. We are both making the sacrifices necessary to have that dream house, cars, vacations, and family that we always dreamed of. It is truly the best feeling to know that we are doing this together and plan on being there for every step of the way with one another.

I love my life, and I love the people who are actively in it. I love my amazing boyfriend and my wonderful son because they push me to strive for success and to reach my goals. The two of them, as well as little Miss Hope, make me want to be the best person I could possibly be and so much more. Yay for finally being in a good place in my life. It's so well deserved after all I have been through. Granted I am allowed my bad days, I don't desire to feel anything other than the way I feel right now - happy.

June Gloom

The weather as of lately has been really weird. It's been gloomy, and cold, and then warm in the afternoons, and then cold again at night. It's really annoying when figuring out what to wear in the morning, and very hard to make plans to do something fun in the sun when there is really no sun. I guess my moods have been matching this weather lately, and I'm pretty tired of it.

I've had a pretty rough week or so. I'd like to attribute it to the fact that dad has been gone and I miss my morning and after work carpool buddy, but I don't think that's entirely the case. A lot has changed lately, and as I've said in a previous blog post, I'm not big on change.

Last week, J and I had a moment when I almost thought it was over for good. I can honestly admit, that the issue of pushing him away when I need him the most is my own. I wish I could change being that way, but it's hard. I've never been in such a healthy loving relationship, and am so used to people giving up on me when times get tough. I guess pushing him away kinda protects me from getting hurt and given up on. With all that he is going through trying to manage both a full time work and school schedule, I am trying to learn to adjust to the change in our relationship and accept that I am no longer a priority of his, but it is hard. We went from spending most of his days off together, to now seeing each other two days a week, if we are lucky. It's difficult because I feel like we have spent more time missing each other than actually together.

I've always firmly believed in the saying that people come into your life for a reason. We got a new intern at work who started last week. She was explaining to me that she has been in a long distance relationship with her boyfriend over the course of the past year or so. She's here in California, and he is in D.C. She said that they have regularly scheduled Skype dates and that they see each other one every month or so. She says it's been difficult, but that it is worth it because they love each other. Talking to her and hearing her story made me appreciate our situation. While we are not across the country from one another (although sometimes it feels like that), seeing each other once or twice a week is a whole lot better than once a month. I realized that the sacrifices we are making right now are going to be worth it in the long run when we are both successful and (hopefully) married with a family of our own. I have decided that rather than complain about the time apart from one another, I need to suck it up and just appreciate the time we do have, as well as be a strong woman, and help my man instead of give him more problems to add to his plate.

In addition to our relationship issues, I have been feeling pretty lonely. I realized that because my time with J has been so limited, I have so often turned down opportunities to do things with my friends. Since J had plans to take his dad out on Saturday night for Father's Day (since he had to work on Sunday), I found myself with free time, and an urge to go out and have a good time. I text about 5 different female friends, and all of them were "busy" doing other things. I felt like long gone are the days of including me in their plans, and it is certainly understandable. I have comfortably fallen into the cycle of relationship life, and I no longer fit in with my single friends. I know that I can count on those girls if I really really needed them, but expecting to be included in their plans like before is out of the question.

On top of all of that, my family issues have really been getting to me as well. I feel like the moment dad is gone, my siblings take it as an opportunity to take advantage. I hate how disrespectful they are and cannot stand how they walk all over my mother. I hate that when they are home, I lock myself away in my room, drowning in Army Wives episodes on Netflix on my laptop. I wish I had a real family. One who loved and supported each other, during both the good and bad times. I have told J several times that I find it very sad that I feel more comfortable being at his house, eating dinner with his family, than I do with my own. Its highly disturbing and heartbreaking that I don't even trust my family.

Yesterday was Father's Day. It was the first Father's Day that my dad wasn't here for, and frankly, that depressed me more than anything. He sent me a text yesterday morning, from Mexico, that said that he wished he could have a talk with his dad (who passed away a few years ago) so that he could see what a good man and good father he has become. He said that even though we don't agree on things sometimes, he will always love me. It made me miss him so much more to know that it will be another week before I get to give him a hug.

All dad wanted for Father's Day was for the 5 of us to do something together, to celebrate him even though he wasn't here. Upon getting ready, I realized that half of my makeup stash is missing. Absolutely GONE. Along with a lot of my wardrobe. I was so angry and frustrated that I work hard to buy things for myself, and to find it all missing. It is heart breaking and absolutely irritating that my sisters have found a way to break into my room and steal my things and my mom doesn't do anything about it. I guess my frustration erupted in a not so nice way. Mom suggested we go to Applebees. I don't like Applebees so I said so. Little did I know that would begin World War III. I got called names by my sisters. They said I was ungrateful and not a part of the family, so I said fine, I'm not going. I'm not going to sit at a table and pretend like I am happy. I felt really bad because it was my dad's wish for us to be together, but I just couldn't do it. They left, and took C with them, and I locked myself away in my room crying because I really can't stand my living situation much longer.

It really hurt me when I got a text from my mom after they got home saying: "I really wish you had gone with us. One day I will find out why you hate me so much. I'm sorry for whatever I did to make you feel like that. I still love you" and again, another text from her this morning asking: "Are you still very upset at me? Can we be friends again?" That's when it hit me that one of the main problems our family has is that probably because we are grown now, my mom is no longer trying to be a mom, and is desperately trying to be a friend. I don't need a friend. I need my mother. I need her to set boundaries and to give me the support that I need. I need her to understand that just because I am independent does not mean that I don't care about her or that I don't want her in my life. I need her to understand that not only do I need her to be a mom, she needs to be a mom to my sisters instead of their friend. That's why it's so easy for them to manipulate and control her, because she wants their acceptance rather than set up boundaries and make them follow them.

Looking at the situation, from the outside looking in, I realize how much our family needs therapy. They can use me as a scapegoat and blame me for their issues all they want, but I know within myself that they just don't want to take accountability for their own problems. It's not my fault they can't get a job or do something productive with their lives. It's not my fault they are in relationships that are unhappy and verbally abusive. They can blame it all on me getting pregnant at a young age and my choice to place Hope for adoption without consulting anyone else, but blame and the lack of accountability will get them nowhere in life.

The sun has finally peeked through the clouds, and the morning June gloom has finally gone away. I think by writing and sharing my feelings about all that has been bothering me has helped me realize a lot of things. I have a lot going for myself. I am strong and determined, motivated to make a difference for myself and my son. I am doing my best to wake up every day and live my life the way I want it to be lived, as I know that only I can make my life the way I want it to be. Only I can be held accountable for my actions, for the good and the bad that I do. I can't let anyone, or anything affect me or try to stop me from reaching my goals. Bye-bye, June gloom. There's only room for sunny days on this calendar.

Dreams

Lately, I have been doing alot of thinking. Thinking about life, where I'm at in it, and where I'm headed. I have thought about how much I have accomplished, and how much I still need to get done. I have thought about the choices I have made and I wonder if I would make the same choices today. I am constantly changing, becoming a better person with each passing day, yet in my heart something is the same. That something is my love for both of my children, the one that is with me, and the one that isn't.

Lately, I've been having dreams about Hope. Dreams of meeting her in the street or watching her play at the park. In my dreams, she is mine. I am the one who dresses her and combs her hair. I am the one who pushes her on the swings or plays Barbies with her. I dream about C being her big brother, protecting her from harm and building her houses out of his Legos for her dolls. I dream of the three of us being a family together, welcoming in J, the prince charming I never thought I would have. I dream about him loving both of my babies the same and the four of us living a perfect life together.

Then I wake up. I wake up and realize that I will never see her play at the park as a child. I will never get to hear her laugh and giggle as she comes down the slide or as I push her on the swing. We will never sing together, or cuddle together. I will never know what her hair smells like or what her favorite color is. I will never know what her voice sounds like or what she is scared of. I will never know her favorite food or what she sounds like when she cries. I will never know what it feels like to hold her in the middle of the night when she is sick or scared.

All I will ever know is the girl in the pictures that I get from time to time. I know that she likes Strawberry Shortcake and Dora the Explorer. I know that she travels to places I have never been before and that she is in karate and gymnastics. I know that she is happy and well taken care of. But I don't know much else....

I never thought being a birthmom would be this hard. When I was pregnant with her and I made the decision to place her, I thought that if I didn't get attached to the growing mass inside my belly, I would be ok. I didn't think I would love her and care about her as much as I do. I didn't think I would think about her every day and every night. I didn't think my heart would ache as I wonder if I will ever have an opportunity to meet her again. I didn't think I'd wonder if she would eventually care to meet me. I didn't think the thought of meeting one day would consume me as much as it does. With each passing day, she is getting older. With each month that passes, and each birthday that comes around, it is one step closer to her getting old enough to make that decision.

I often think about what I would do or say if I ever got the opportunity to meet my princess again. I have played out scenarios in my head of bumping into her and her family at the mall or at the Farmer's Market. I wonder if I would have the courage to say something or if I would just walk in the opposite direction. Better yet, I wonder if her parents would recognize me and completely ignore me. Wondering what I would say or do is a constant thought in my head, especially with the small world that we live in.

I guess I've been thinking alot of my little angel lately now that I am on my way to a more successful future. I thank her (and C)  for giving me the push I need to move forward in life to be a better, more successful person. Everyday, I strive to be a little better and push a little harder, because for the past 8 years, life has no longer been about me, it's been about my children. I promised that little girl the day I said goodbye to her that when she met me again, I would be someone she could be proud of, and thats what I am working towards: being the person both of my children could look up at and be proud of.

Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

I figured I would give you something to read while you are on the plane on your way to Mexico since you said you didn't think you would sleep much during your flight.

I am going to miss you very much. I have gotten accustomed to the carpooling to and from work and appreciate all the conversations we have, whether its about current events, sports, or just real life. Granted, there are days where we just ride together in the car in silence, but usually we have something to talk about thanks to talk radio. I am thankful for the opportunity to carpool with you because to me, I feel like we are re-building a relationship I feel has been lost a long time ago. That 30-40 minute drive together puts me in hopes that you will soon see me as the person I am, and not the person I once was. I know I have made plenty of mistakes in the past, some of which has caused you much pain and sadness, but I'm not that person anymore, and I hope you can see that.

I want you to know that by you going to school and accomplishing your goal of receiving your certificate in that translator program has helped me to see that it is possible to achieve success, regardless of what is on my plate. You have a full time job and family and have managed to add school to your plate and complete what you started. Your strength to successfully complete the program has motivated me to finish what I started a long time ago.

Being that I have been in a community college for way too long, I haven't been able to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like there's been no end in sight, no matter how hard I worked to get ahead. My last attempt at trying something different than Mt. Sac or Rio Hondo was a fail, in large part because I didn't feel like I had your support (like when you told me I acted as though I thought I was better than everyone because I got a car and went back to college instead of telling me you were proud of me). We had a talk just the other day about how life is just too short to let it slip away. I'm tired of settling with a mediocre life because I am "comfortable". I want more out of life and decided that I can't get that if I settle for the life I am living right now.

Well I have good news. I recently applied and got accepted to Capella University, it's a university based out of Minneapolis that offers an online program. A good friend of mine just completed her Masters there and recommended it to me. It's a huge commitment that I have thought over but have decided is right for me. I start the program on July 11th and am looking at graduating with my Bachelors in Public Safety with a specialization in Criminal Justice in 2013. With that I plan on applying somewhere locally for grad school so I could get a Masters in Social Work.

While I wasn't going to say anything and just surprise you with an invitation to my graduation in two years, I realized that I can't do this without your support. Regardless of things that have happened between us in the past, you are still my dad, and I value and respect you. You are the one person I feel like I can talk to about anything and I know that even if I don't like what I may hear, I know I will always get an honest answer from.

 Father's Day without you is going to be hard for all of us, but I'm sure we are all happy to share you with the family in Mexico for two weeks, since we get you for the other 50 weeks out of the year. I hope you have a safe trip and enjoy time with Grandma and the rest of the family. Remember, life is too short and you have to appreciate every moment. :)

I love you very much, Dad.

Love,
M

Facing Fears

"The key to change… is to let go of fear.” –Rosanne Cash

I've been doing quite a bit of thinking lately. I've been so focused on the inevitable change we're about to face now that J is about to start school. I've been so caught up in his life that I haven't focused on mine. Why should he go on to make things happen for himself and me not do the same? Why would he want someone with no drive to succeed in her life? I'm smart and am filled with determination to make something out of myself.... or was that all talk?

This semester, I registered for a full load of classes, boasting about how I really didn't have too many left to do so that I could transfer. On top of a full time job, full time child, and full time boyfriend, I thought I would be brave and add a full course schedule. Oh how I was so ridiculously wrong. After a few weeks of going full speed, I crashed... and burned. I ended up so completely overwhelmed, I had to drop classes because I was so behind. This made me feel like such a failure. I did so well last semester and was so proud of myself, and this completely ruined my self-esteem. It's no wonder I have been so scared of the change we are about to face. I didn't want to be left with nothing to be proud of for myself.

The day of C's First Communion, my aunt and I had a talk about school. She was telling me I needed to hurry up and get out of the community college. She said I needed to transfer and move on with my life already. I knew it needed to be done, but it was a wake up call resonating in the back of my mind this past week and a half. That mixed with the fact that J started school on Saturday and the thought of wanting to move forward with my life and be someone C (and Hope) could be proud of got the wheels in this head of mine spinning.

I had to stop being afraid of change. I needed to take a step forward with my future and make my life different than what it currently is. I needed to just get up and say "F*@! IT" and do what I gotta do to get ahead.

Today, I put my fears aside and took a step forward with my life. I applied for Capella University, an online college a friend of mine recently obtained a Masters degree from. I got all the information necessary and decided it would be a great fit for me and my busy lifestyle. My goal will be to obtain a Bachelors in Arts in Public Service with a focus in Criminal Justice, my original major that I chose to pursue right out of high school. I figured that since Capella doesn't offer a Social Work program, I could finish off the Criminal Justice degree and get my Masters in Social Work when I am done. My projected end date, if all my classes transfer, is 2 to 2.5 year from now and I'll have a Bachelors degree in my possession. Whoa... talk about a change, right?

I'm a little overwhelmed with this decision. It was a big decision to make on my own. I consulted with J to get his opinion on my decision, especially because this means I will incur some debt in student loans. He totally supported my choice and said whatever debt I take on from this we will deal with (he also joked that he would pimp me out to pay for both of our student loans). With that, I made the move and spoke with an enrollment counselor and next thing I knew, I was going through the application process. Next step is financial aid.

Omg!

I'm actually doing this. If all goes well, I will be starting school on July 11th. Do I even believe this is happening? Not yet. At least not until I have confirmation that this is really going to happen. I am excited and nervous, but so thankful to finally be able to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I am determined to complete this with success, moreso because I have so many more things I would like to accomplish with my life.

I'm not planning on telling anyone other than whoever is reading this blog about this step in my life. I plan on letting people believe I am going to community college to obtain my Associates and slapping them in the face with the diploma that says I'm ready for the next step. My goal is to prove to everyone who thought I would always be a failure wrong and show them, as well as myself and my children that the mistakes I have made in my life shouldn't have had to determine what my future would be like. So yay me, for taking a chance and making a change. It won't be an easy road ahead, but getting to my destination will be worth so it in the end.