It's Mother's Day

"She never quite leaves her children at home, even when she doesn't take them along."
  ~Margaret Culkin Banning

Today is Mother's Day. ::insert deep, heavy sigh here::

I woke up a couple of hours ago to text messages from friends, and even J's family, wishing me a Happy Mother's Day. I was given a handmade pencil holder by C, and a single red rose from my dad. While I am so thankful for the wonderful well meaning wishes from people (because after all, I AM a mother), I am also reminded of the piece of motherhood I am missing out on.

Yesterday was Birthmother's Day. It was also C's First Communion. Since I got off of work at 2pm on Friday, I had been on the go, go, go of last minute preparation for his special day. Last minute shopping, cleaning, etc. had kept me busy till 3:30am Saturday morning. Wake up time was 6am, because we had to be at his school by 7:30 for pictures, and the ceremony was to start at 9am. We had reservations for breakfast at 10:30 for our group of 15. It was nice to be able to celebrate C's accomplishment with family and J by my side.

After breakfast, everyone came to our house and stayed... all day. It was a long day, being run on only 2.5 hours of sleep. It was well worth it, though, to see such a smile on C's face. It also was nice to give J and my family the opportunity to get to know one another. I felt bad because he was exhausted since he had just come off of a 48 hour shift, but I didn't want him to leave. I knew that the moment he left would be the moment I'd feel the weight of the underlying meaning of the day. Having him around provided me with the escape from the thoughts that suffocate me.

The moment J left, I wanted him to come back and stay by my side and not stop holding me. But, that only happens in fairy tales. I was disappointed in the fact that he knew that the day was Birthmother's Day (he has been reading this blog), and he knew how emotional I was about it, and not once did he mention it until I text him on his way home and told him how disappointed I was about it. Granted, I understand it may be hard to figure out what to say to someone. I don't know if I'd really wish someone a HAPPY Birthmother's Day because, honestly, its not something I'm entirely happy about. But still, I wish he would've just acknowledged it.

I wish anyone other than my fellow birthmothers would've acknowledged it. But I guess that's such a far fetched idea because its not a widely known day.

Today is a new day, and I didn't think it would phase me, as I had gotten through Birthmother's Day and today is Mother's Day. Today is the day to celebrate me being C's mama, and my mama, and every other mom in the world. But just because it's Mother's Day, doesn't mean I can stop thinking about the fact that in my heart, I am also Hope's mama.

It's the hardest thing to explain, even to someone who probably understands. I am a mom. I have woken up in the middle of the night when C has been sick or couldn't sleep or needed a drink of water. I have stood by his side at doctor's appointments for shots, or when he needed breathing treatments, and checkups. I love him with all of my heart, making every sacrifice I can to ensure he has the best life I could possibly give him. He is my everything, and the main motivating factor for me to never give up, even in the shadows of my darkest days. Sadly, though, I feel like I am not 100% the best mom ever, and I feel that its because a piece of my heart is somewhere else.

The missing piece of my heart belongs to the little girl who grew in my tummy for 9 months. The one who I would feel kicking inside of me, growing and growing till my tummy (and every other part of me) was huge. She's the little girl who I gave birth to and held in my arms and promised a better life for. The one who I told was blessed with two guardian angels, instead of one like everyone else. She's the angel who I placed in the hands of another woman so that she could call her "mom" from that day forward. She is the little girl I think about every day of my life for the past 5 1/2 years. The one who I daydream about meeting again one day. She is the ray of sunshine in my life who I have no guarantee of meeting in the future, but who I hope knows that I did what I did out of love.

I am hoping to get out all the tears before I continue on with my day, but I highly doubt it. I can't stop crying, and so badly want the day to be over with. But in the words of C yesterday, "Today is my day, and tomorrow is yours and grandma's day". I have to be strong for him, because it is my day to celebrate the past 8 years of holding the best job title God could have ever given me.

Hot & Cold

Today is the kind of day that makes you think about how awesome it is to live in Southern California. It's 90 degrees outside, sunny, clear and beautiful. It's the kind of day that has me wishing I wasn't stuck at work, and instead out running through the sprinklers in my bathing suit, like when we were kids.

I miss being a kid...

It's so easy to be a kid. The biggest responsibility is making sure homework gets done and there are good grades on the report card. There is Christmas break, and spring break and summer vacation. There is the expectation of learning and having fun, and laughter is the constant sound out of a happy child's mouth. There are no worries about bills or relationships, or about what the next step in life may be. It was super easy.

Sometimes I wish I could go back, but I'm sure we all wish for that from time to time.

Like the always changing weather, I have been in a hot & cold kind of mood lately. Keeping busy all weekened had helped keep my moods under control a little bit, but I seem to be having a hard time when I'm not super busy. I find that my thoughts race, and I am constantly thinking about things I have no control over. Alot of "What ifs" and "I should have..." But like dad would always say, shoulda, woulda coulda, but didn't, and there's nothing I can do to change the past. What's done is done.

I find myself stressing over alot of things, such as how am I going to pay for C's tuition? When am I ever going to be able to afford a car of my own? When will life stop being about struggling each week until the next pay check? When can I move out on my own? When will the transition from being a kid to an adult actually happen for me, because I surely don't feel like the adult I thought I would be at this age. I feel so down about the decisions I have made that have gotten me to where I'm at in my life. I always thought I'd be more advanced and in a way better place. Instead, I am working at a non-profit that doesn't pay as much as I wish it would pay; I live at home with my parents; I'm a single mom who is struggling to give her child the basic necessities; I'm not even done with school yet. I am so afraid I won't be able to get out of this rut and continue to be a nobody for the rest of my life.

Buuuutttt.... I can't keep worrying about what happened yesterday, or what's gonna happen tomorrow... I gotta keep living for today. Its just so much easier said than done...

 I gotta learn how to shut off this hot & cold I have inside of me. I have to decide if I'm going to put on a happy face or a sad one, because I feel so bipolar right now. One minute things are good and the next I'm raging and taking out my anger on the people closest to me. I'm sure alot of it has to do with the fact that Mother's Day and Birthmother's Day is literally right around the corner. Once again, its those crazy emotions that just can't seem to control themselves.

Today is 5 months since J and I went on our first date. These have been 5 of the best months of my life. I have never been so thankful to have such an amazing support system. He is truly my strength on my weakest days, and I forgot what life was like before he came into the picture. I'm looking foroward to the date that I have planned for us later on. Hopefully this hot & cold feeling will disappear, for at least a little while

It's That Time of Year Again

"The moment a child is born, the mother is also born.  She never existed before.  The woman existed, but the mother, never.  A mother is something absolutely new."
  ~Rajneesh

I have been celebrating Mother's Day every year for the past 8 years, since I was pregnant with C. I will never forget that awkward Mother's Day when my parents had only known I was pregnant for 2 weeks at that point. It was tough for our whole family as well as myself to accept that in just 6 months from that point, I would be an actual mother. I was only 20 years old.

Of the past 8 years, 5 of those years have taken an emotional toll on me. I would say 6, but the Mother's Day I was pregnant with Hope, I was in denial that that was actually happening to me. Every year, I get bitchy, and sad, and mean, and angry and I tend to push people away from me. I get overwhelmed with these emotions and rather than do something productive to honor my daughter who I haven't held in my arms these past 5 1/2 years, I cave. I fall into this deep, dark area in my heart that takes me a long time to get out of.

I wish I could just embrace the fact that I am obviously still a mom and should celebrate the gifts God has given me. I am C's mom. I am also Hope's mom, regardless of if she knows I exist or not. I wish I could be happy for these little blessings and miracles of life rather than keep punishing myself for the mistakes I made. I wish these tears would stop falling from my eyes and that this feeling of sadness starting weeks prior to Mother's Day would just wash away, and I could be happy and free once again.

I tried to explain this to J, since day one when we started dating nearly 5 months ago. It's so easy to tell someone "Btw, there are two times out of the year that I get pretty emotional -- Mother's Day and her birthday." He probably thought 'this won't be that bad'. But it's pretty bad. There's nothing worse than being told by your boyfriend that you are no longer the girl that he first started dating, and he just wants his girlfriend back. Sigh.... but this IS ME! This is a part of who I am. I so badly wish it wasn't, but it is, and take it or leave it, but that emotional wreck that comes only two times a year is the same girl who was amazingly happy and positive for the first 3 1/2- 4 months of our relationship! I'm so glad he hasn't taken the fact that I push him away personally. I hope he doesn't give up on me when I need him there for me the most. It's really difficult to be needy and to want to be comforted, and I'm glad that he does it regardless. I am super lucky to have him as my boyfriend and am thankful that I have someone so supportive by my side.

There are two more weeks until Birthmothers Day and Mother's Day, so I know this won't be the first of this empty feeling. I am thankful for the love and support that I have from my close friends and from J. I am so glad that I have things such as work, and school, and C to occupy my time and get through another year marked off the calendar. A few more weeks of pushing myself to get through the days without crying because I am tired of being sad.