Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

I figured I would give you something to read while you are on the plane on your way to Mexico since you said you didn't think you would sleep much during your flight.

I am going to miss you very much. I have gotten accustomed to the carpooling to and from work and appreciate all the conversations we have, whether its about current events, sports, or just real life. Granted, there are days where we just ride together in the car in silence, but usually we have something to talk about thanks to talk radio. I am thankful for the opportunity to carpool with you because to me, I feel like we are re-building a relationship I feel has been lost a long time ago. That 30-40 minute drive together puts me in hopes that you will soon see me as the person I am, and not the person I once was. I know I have made plenty of mistakes in the past, some of which has caused you much pain and sadness, but I'm not that person anymore, and I hope you can see that.

I want you to know that by you going to school and accomplishing your goal of receiving your certificate in that translator program has helped me to see that it is possible to achieve success, regardless of what is on my plate. You have a full time job and family and have managed to add school to your plate and complete what you started. Your strength to successfully complete the program has motivated me to finish what I started a long time ago.

Being that I have been in a community college for way too long, I haven't been able to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like there's been no end in sight, no matter how hard I worked to get ahead. My last attempt at trying something different than Mt. Sac or Rio Hondo was a fail, in large part because I didn't feel like I had your support (like when you told me I acted as though I thought I was better than everyone because I got a car and went back to college instead of telling me you were proud of me). We had a talk just the other day about how life is just too short to let it slip away. I'm tired of settling with a mediocre life because I am "comfortable". I want more out of life and decided that I can't get that if I settle for the life I am living right now.

Well I have good news. I recently applied and got accepted to Capella University, it's a university based out of Minneapolis that offers an online program. A good friend of mine just completed her Masters there and recommended it to me. It's a huge commitment that I have thought over but have decided is right for me. I start the program on July 11th and am looking at graduating with my Bachelors in Public Safety with a specialization in Criminal Justice in 2013. With that I plan on applying somewhere locally for grad school so I could get a Masters in Social Work.

While I wasn't going to say anything and just surprise you with an invitation to my graduation in two years, I realized that I can't do this without your support. Regardless of things that have happened between us in the past, you are still my dad, and I value and respect you. You are the one person I feel like I can talk to about anything and I know that even if I don't like what I may hear, I know I will always get an honest answer from.

 Father's Day without you is going to be hard for all of us, but I'm sure we are all happy to share you with the family in Mexico for two weeks, since we get you for the other 50 weeks out of the year. I hope you have a safe trip and enjoy time with Grandma and the rest of the family. Remember, life is too short and you have to appreciate every moment. :)

I love you very much, Dad.

Love,
M

Scared of Change

"It is not the strongest
of the species that survive,
nor the most intelligent,
but the one most responsive to change."

CHANGE....

ugh, I HATE that word. I hate that in life, it is inevitable. I hate that it could mean so many things. It could be good. It could be bad. It could be anything.

In this case, change means that J is on his way to embarking on a new endeavor. One that will open many doors and possibilities, and will bring him a better future. In about 8 hours, he will be attending orientation for the program he will be going to school for for the next 18 months. In addition to his three 24 hour shifts at work (Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday), he will be adding a discussion board on Monday, an online class on Wednesday and an all day class till 4:00pm on Saturdays. He will definitely be busy.

I just got home from spending the latter part of my day with him. We literally spent 10 hours of our time together, really enjoying each other's company. We cuddled and talked and napped, truly indulging in each other's presence, but in the midst of it all, in the back of my mind, I was worried. What am I so worried about? I should be a happy, loving and supportive girlfriend, appreciative of every moment spent together. There's no reason to be worried... or is there?

As it is, J and I don't have very much time together. I am stuck working an 8-5 job most of the week (except for Friday when I get off at 2pm). He's working 7am-7am 24 hour shifts starting Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday mornings. That leaves us with some Mondays after I get off of work to hit the gym together, Wednesdays to hang out or go to the gym, and Fridays and Saturdays to enjoy each other's company (thats if he doesn't switch shifts at work). Well, that's all obviously going to change. Internally, I'm freaking out about it.

I know that while it is entirely selfish, and I honestly hate feeling the insecurities of worrying about the inevitable change that is bound to happen in our relationship. I understand that he will need my support now, more than ever, to get through the next 18 months of hard work and dedication to succeeding through this program and a new career. I know that I shouldn't worry because I trust him and know that he's not only doing this for himself, but for me and our future together as well. It's just scary to not know what's going to come. It's scary to think of so many things that could go wrong. It's awful to think of all the scenarios that play out in the back of my mind of things that could go wrong, even if I do my job to be the best girlfriend I could be. I have faith in our relationship, that we are stronger in 5 months more than some couples are in 5 years.

It's scary when I think about all I have witnessed in life. I have seen all too often where a woman supports a man through schooling, or training, or something that will better his life. She is usually a strong woman who makes whatever sacrifices she can to be the rock for her man in his time of need. In many instances, I have seen where the guy has gotten through it and dropped his rock at the end of it all, for someone better, thinner, prettier, younger, or someone he has gone to school or training with, because she "understands".

I went into this relationship knowing that J wanted to better his life and career. It wasn't something that was just sprung up on me all of a sudden. It is one of the factors that made me fall in love with him. His strong desire to succeed and have more in life. He is goal driven and inspired to be someone more than what he is today, and I love that so much about him. I have to keep reminding myself that J is in fact different than anyone I have ever let into my life, let alone my heart. He is someone who I know won't let me down, and we will get through this change in our lives together. I need to remind myself to stop being selfish, and use this time away from each other to better myself, because no man, including my own, will want a future with someone who isn't as driven and motivated to succeed as he is.

The time spent away from one another will definitely suck. The change will definitely not be an easy one. As scared as I am of it all, the time is here for it to happen and I have to let go of all my insecurities and be the best "rock" I can be for J. I know it will be a long road ahead of us, but we will make it through. At least I hope we will....

Blah

I've never had a word describe my feelings as good as "Blah" can. The constant up and down, hot and cold has been pretty awful. I hate this roller coaster, and want off of it. I just want to go back to normal, and I am hoping that once Mother's Day passes, I will be back to being the happy, positive chick I've always been.

There's been a lot of stuff brewing inside my head and sometimes, I just want to shut it all off. I so desperately wanted to stay home, under the covers this morning, but that wasn't possible. I wanted just one day of solitude, to actually cry and let the emotions out in hopes that it will make me feel better. Soooooooo much for that because I am currently writing this blog from work.

On Wednesday, J and I celebrated 5 months of dating with a nice dinner at a local resort. It was the perfect evening, allowing us to enjoy each other's company in the warmth of spring. I really make it a point to try and enjoy every moment spent together, because in all actuality, we don't have much time for each other. It was a nice moment of relaxation and indulgence of good drinks, decent food, and amazing company. I wish the whole night could've lasted longer than just a couple of hours, because being in his arms is where I always feel the safest.

I feel like this whole week, I've been having to kick myself in the butt to do things. To get work done, to act like I'm interested in things. I find that deep down, I'm slightly bitter and angry. On Wednesday night, I had a dream that I had killed some random person who broke into my house. It was the oddest dream ever, and it really bothered me to have such morbid thoughts. I researched dream meanings and read that those type of dreams indicate suppressed anger and frustrations with situations that cannot be changed. I guess, in this case, it was my subconscious, surfacing anger within me that I haven't verbally voiced. Just what is it that I am so angry about?

I think a big part of the anger I have inside of me is towards my family. I KNOW that's where a large part of my anger is directed towards. Case in point: Tomorrow is C's First Holy Communion. In my opinion, it's supposed to be a special day for him. Something for him to always remember. With alot of things going on in our extended family (news of family members being really, really sick), my parents didn't want to have anything at home. I was trying to think of things we could do that would be fun and memorable for C. I decided we'd go to one of the local pizza places that have games that he could play. C really enjoyed that idea.

Yesterday, my dad came home and said he made reservations at a Mexican restaurant for after church on Saturday. I was speechless. I am his MOTHER. Why didn't anyone consult me before doing so? What was I supposed to say now? "Cancel your reservations, I don't want to go there"? I understand that he didn't have any ill-intentions, but at the same time, I don't think he understood that he was overstepping his boundaries. J got on my case for not opening my mouth and putting my foot down, but I know my family and know that they are quick to jump on my case and address my faults when I stand up for myself and contest something they do or say, especially regarding my son. It's an awful situation to be in and I hate it. Unfortunately, though, that's the story of my life when it comes to my family.

Today, I am feeling worse off than I did yesterday. J is stuck working a 48-hour shift which means our usual Friday ritual is broken, which really sucks when I miss him so much. Also, I am overwhelmed with a long to-do list of things that need to be done for tomorrow. On top of that, I am pretty emotional, and it isn't taking much to set me off into a teary-eyed mess. I wanted to call off of work today, and J gave me a hard time about it. He has a valid point as to why, but at the same time, I felt frustrated with the fact that he wasn't in my shoes. It's not like I have a car to get to places to do what needs to get done. I don't have anyone really helping me. But such is life, and I'll figure out a way to get through it and have all the items on my list checked off by tonight.

"Tough times never last, but tough people do."  

- Robert H. Schuller

I keep telling myself that it's only a few more days ahead of me that I have to get through. I am reminding myself that tomorrow is a day of celebration of accomplishment in C's life. I have got to be strong and put a smile on my face, even if I feel "blah" on the inside, if not for myself, for C. I know I will get through it, but it's always tough when I feel alone with my thoughts and feelings. One hour at a time, I guess. I just hope I don't kill anyone between now and then.

Birthmother's Weekend

For the past few weeks leading up to this weekend, I have been very emotional and withdrawn. It's been a battle to get through the days without crying. I've been sad about Mother's Day and even more sad about the fact that I was not making it to Charlotte, NC this year for the birthmother retreat from BMB. I didn't ever think that not going would affect me so much, but it did. Tremendously.

The one thing I have truly become so thankful for these past few days is that I am so lucky to have a boyfriend like J. He is is so amazing to me, and I have no words to describe his patience and willingness to accept me as I am, damaged goods and all. He is truly my prince charming, and someone I can't imagine my life without, especially when it comes to dealing with an emotional wreck such as myself. He has shown me what a real man is by being the arms to run to and the shoulder to cry on. He is the greatest gift, aside from my children, that God could have ever given me. He is truly the sunshine on my darkest days and is the best at trying to understand me when I could barely understand myself.

I found that the key to getting through times like these is keeping busy, because essentially, it keeps me off of facebook, which only makes me see more of what I am missing out on. Thankfully, I was able to keep busy all weekend, and I didn't get on FB that often. Despite a breakdown on Thursday night that made me want to hide under my covers and sleep through the next few days, I made it through and survived the weekend.

On Friday, I woke up dreading work. I felt so drained, and wanted to be anywhere but at work. I kept thinking about Charlotte, and how I wasn't there when I shoulda been there. I was thinking about the things I'd be doing if I was there and who I'd be spending time with. But instead, I was stuck working, which now that I think of it, was probably the best thing to me. Despite irritations with coworkers and a lack of patience on my part, I made it through the day and treated myself to a deluxe pedicure after work. I was able to spend a couple of hours with J, doing a little bit of shopping and a whole lot of crying. I was snappy, and short, and angry, and constantly had a hot/cold temperament. I really felt as though my emotions were uncontrollable, and I wished that I cold step outside my body, grab and shake myself to snap out of it, but I couldn't. I really wasn't myself, and I definitely showed my boyfriend a side of me he has never seen. When it came time to say goodbye, I didn't want to let him leave, because I felt like I just needed him. That day was probably one of the hardest times to see him drive off.

That night, I went out with my friend. I was bummed out that J decided not to go with us, but had been looking forward to spending some time with one of my main girl friends. Although I still wasn't much of myself, I tried to enjoy my night as much as I could. It was my opportunity to not think about the stuff that has clouded my mind. I'm thankful to have such a great friend to talk to and laugh with, who I could be myself and not worry about being judged.

The next day, after a rough morning, I was able to pick myself up enough to spend some time with J. He picked me up with flowers and a card in hand. I read the card and cried. It was the sweetest card anyone has ever given me. It read:

I know things aren't easy for you right now...

You may be wondering how you're going to deal with everything that's facing you.

But I know you -

you have a strong spirit -

and even though it might be hard for you to believe,

I know you have what it takes to get through this time.

And if you ever need to talk or if you'd like the support of a friend,

I'll always be here with open arms, a listening ear, and a loving shoulder to lean on.

And most important,

I'm here to remind you....

as often as you need...

that things are going to be okay.



That was the first time in a long time that I felt comforted to know that I truly am not alone in this. While he may not ever understand the feelings I endure as I miss my baby, he does the very best he possibly could to offer me the love and support as a boyfriend. He has done the most amazing job ever, and it made me cry to know that I have such a wonderful man by my side. I was practically speechless, and anyone who knows me knows what a huge feat that is.

J and I decided to have drinks and appetizers while trying to decide what we were going to have for dinner. I have never cooked for him during the past 5 months since we started dating, and so I agreed to make dinner. It felt good to spend time together without the rush of daily life. It was nice to enjoy one another's company as we shopped for groceries, and went home to cuddle on the couch and watch tv together. It was a nice change of pace to watch the UFC fight in his arms, and cook dinner for him while he enjoyed the fights. It felt amazing to sit down at a dinner table with no one else to worry about but ourselves. I love the feeling of comfort and warmth that he provides me with. I've never felt so safe from harm. He is everything I could have ever asked God for, and more.

All good things come to an end, and before we knew it, it was late. So Saturday ended, and in came Sunday. It was a new day of feeling refreshed and full of life. I made it a point to enjoy the last day of C's spring break with him. We went to have breakfast and to the Festival of Books at USC with my parents. It was a beautiful 90 degree day - the kind of day where you thank God for the beautiful flowers and trees and for family. I enjoyed spending quality time with C, as he always has such a knack for putting a smile on my face. It was a nice way to end my weekend as well. It was the kind of weekend that almost made me forget why I have been so sad, and instead made me grateful for what I have.

There won't be a day that goes by without me thinking about Hope, but I don't have to travel across the country to be with my "sisters" to honor her. Granted, I miss being with the only women who could truly understand the feelings I feel because they feel them too, I am quite blessed to be able to honor her here with the people I care about and who care about me too. I've learned that just because someone doesn't completely understand the feelings and pain that I have associated with this time of year, doesn't mean that they don't love me. The fact that they try makes a world of difference and at the end of they day I find myself thanking God for making me one of the luckiest women in the world. <3

Single Mom

I had a conversation with someone I've known since high school today that really has had the wheels in my head spinning. This person is currently pregnant with her first child. She lives a cookie cutter life of being educated, having a career, meeting Mister Right and marrying him, buying a house, and now having a baby. She's the kind of girl who talked about all these things since high school and now she is living out each of the items on her checklist. Good for her.

I, on the other hand, NEVER had a checklist. I grew up promising myself (and the world) that I wasn't going to have children when I got older. I had plans of a career in law enforcement, nice cars, a large house, and plenty of vacations. Not once in my big picture did I have a husband or children on that list. I knew at a young age that I didn't want to carry the title of a person who is responsible for the upbringing of a child. Fast forward to two years after I graduated high school, and I was staring at a positive pregnancy test.

YIKES...

I still remember the day in March of 2003 that I found out I was pregnant. I had just turned 20 years old and didn't have the slightest clue as to what a MAJOR responsibility was. I had been dating C's dad for about a year and a half by then, which was hardly a long time at all. I had a feeling deep inside of me that I was pregnant, but I had taken several home tests and they all came out negative. C's dad and I decided to go to Planned Parenthood and take a test there. That's when I got the news that I was pregnant and due that November. I felt like a ton of bricks had just fallen on top of my head. I couldn't move or think or say a word.

C's dad was ecstatic. He was so happy that we were going to have a baby. When I came to my senses, all I could see was my future being flushed down the toilet. What was I going to do? Where was I going to live? How was I going to survive off of a retail salary from both he and I? What the heck was I thinking?! I remember crying my eyes out once we got to the car. C's dad got so angry with me. "Why are you crying? You should be happy! We are going to have a baby and have our own family and be happy." That just made me cry more, because deep down in my heart, I knew I wouldn't be happy. This wasn't in my life plans.

For a good month and a half, I struggled with the decision of going through an abortion. I knew that me having a baby would break my parents heart, and having an abortion would leave no proof, other than a hole in my heart. Ultimately, I couldn't do it. We ended up telling my parents that I was pregnant on April 23, a day I am most likely never to forget. It was the day I broke my dad's heart, as he learned that his little girl was no longer a little girl anymore. While I don't remember the details of our conversation, I just remember my dad asking us how we were going to fix this. He said we had to get married if we were planning on having this baby. Umm.... once again, this wasn't in my life plans either!

My dad had left to Mexico  for his annual trip to visit my grandmother a few days later. He was very hurt by the news and made sure I knew that. While he was gone, we looked at chapels and churches and also at rings. I guess we had a wedding to plan for. SCARY.

While dad was gone, he had called from Mexico. We had a talk about everything and he told me that I didn't have to get married if I didn't want to. He said while it would be the ideal situation, marriage is a once in a lifetime thing and should be saved for people who truly loved one another. A baby was no reason to force marriage upon us. Being young and naive, I insisted that was what needed to happen because this baby needed to have a mom and dad. Although he was hurt, my dad said he supported whatever decision I made, but reminded me that I didn't have to if I didn't want to. It wasn't until I was older that I realized that dad saw things I didn't see.

A few months into my pregnancy, at nearly 20 weeks, I found out that my cervix was "short" and I had to be placed on bed rest. Seriously? I was 20 years old!!! I didn't want to stop living my life and stay in bed all day and all night, but I had to. If I wanted this baby to be healthy, I had to make sure to do whatever it took for him to survive and not make an early appearance, this included putting our wedding on hold. 8 years later, I truly believe that being placed on bed rest was an unofficial sign from God.

During the time I was home, I had PLENTY of time on my hands. I had time to think and be online and research. Research I did do. At 7 months pregnant and almost a year of being suspicious about his lies, I found out that C's dad had been cheating on me, with a wide array of girls (they were hardly women). I was devastated to think that the person whom I was supposed spend the rest of my life with would do that to me. I was sacrificing living my life for this baby, OUR baby, and he was out screwing around on me. It was the biggest betrayal I had ever felt in my life. I remember feeling numb with pain. It was the most awful feeling to be hurt like that. A feeling that I would never wish upon even my worst enemy.

For the couple of months leading up to C's delivery, from the time I found out about the infidelity of the person who had promised my parents and I that he would be there to accept the responsibility of husband and father, I tried my best to forgive and forget. I tried to think about the future and not the past, but it was too difficult. His manipulative ways were finally visible, and I was able to see through the facade he put up as someone who wanted nothing but the best for me and our baby, and see him as the lying, cheating, abusive selfish jerk that he was. 5 weeks after C was born, his "dad" verbally and physically abused me for the last time. I knew that I had someone else to live for, and I would never let my son be a witness to something like that. That was the beginning of my new life.

From that day forward, I was a single mother. I never realized how much that label carried until I was one. Waking up in the middle of the night for feedings. Giving baths. Changing diapers. Learning how to be a mom, as I went back to school when he was 3 months old, was one of the most difficult things I had ever had to do. There would be nights where I would cry, asking God why this happened to me. This wasn't on my checklist of life and I had to be the one to pay for the mistake I made by not choosing wisely. Had it not been for my parents, I would've never gotten through the past 7 1/2 years since C was born.

C would cry, and I would take him to my parent's room. When he was sick, I didn't know what to do, and went straight to my parents. I was so resentful for the life I was "stuck" with, that I found any excuse I could use to get out of the house. "School", "study groups", "projects", etc. I didn't want to be a mom. This wasn't fair. I didn't want to do this alone. I only thought about myself. Till this day, one of the biggest regrets I have ever had was letting mom and dad fill in when I couldn't. It should have been me doing all the work of taking care of him and raising him, BUT it wasn't. I can't take full credit for C being the AMAZING child that he is today because I haven't done most of the work needed to rear him. In that aspect, I feel like a failure. But I am so thankful for having their support to get through it all.

C's "dad" has been out of the picture for the past 5 1/2 years. He hasn't seen him since he was 2 years old, and really only started caring to ask about him over the course of the past year, as he is now a father to two of his own children (he's also married as well) and seeing what he is missing out on. It's way too late to try to fix what he has broken. C will ask questions from time to time about him, and while it's hard for me to answer, I do my best to explain to him the situation. He now calls him his "fake dad". He recently asked me when we could find him a "real dad."

As a mom, I strive to give my son everything I possibly can. I would hand him the moon if I could. It breaks my heart to not be able to give him the basic gift of a loving, responsible, respectful and consistent father. It makes me want to cry when I hear him talk about how "everyone" has a dad but him. He said he wishes he had a dad of his own, and not a grandpa that he calls dad. It's so painful to hear an innocent child talk that way. But such is the life of a woman working hard to do the job of a mother and father. A woman who isn't there to drop off her son and pick him up from school or volunteer in his class because I am busy working so that I can pay his tuition. A woman who struggles to give him the needs and wants of a 7 year old boy. It hurts my heart when I do my best to give him everything he needs, except the one thing that EVERY boy needs - a dad.

Had someone summed it up for me as to how hard this would be, maybe I would've made different life choices 10 years ago. Maybe I wouldn't have. While each day of being a single mother is a sacrifice, it is also very rewarding. The prize of having an amazing son who is smart, healthy compassionate and kind is the best thing I could have ever asked for. When I complain about all that I give up, I stop and think about him, and realize that his happiness is worthwhile. I love being a single mom - C's mom

It's That Time of Year Again

"The moment a child is born, the mother is also born.  She never existed before.  The woman existed, but the mother, never.  A mother is something absolutely new."
  ~Rajneesh

I have been celebrating Mother's Day every year for the past 8 years, since I was pregnant with C. I will never forget that awkward Mother's Day when my parents had only known I was pregnant for 2 weeks at that point. It was tough for our whole family as well as myself to accept that in just 6 months from that point, I would be an actual mother. I was only 20 years old.

Of the past 8 years, 5 of those years have taken an emotional toll on me. I would say 6, but the Mother's Day I was pregnant with Hope, I was in denial that that was actually happening to me. Every year, I get bitchy, and sad, and mean, and angry and I tend to push people away from me. I get overwhelmed with these emotions and rather than do something productive to honor my daughter who I haven't held in my arms these past 5 1/2 years, I cave. I fall into this deep, dark area in my heart that takes me a long time to get out of.

I wish I could just embrace the fact that I am obviously still a mom and should celebrate the gifts God has given me. I am C's mom. I am also Hope's mom, regardless of if she knows I exist or not. I wish I could be happy for these little blessings and miracles of life rather than keep punishing myself for the mistakes I made. I wish these tears would stop falling from my eyes and that this feeling of sadness starting weeks prior to Mother's Day would just wash away, and I could be happy and free once again.

I tried to explain this to J, since day one when we started dating nearly 5 months ago. It's so easy to tell someone "Btw, there are two times out of the year that I get pretty emotional -- Mother's Day and her birthday." He probably thought 'this won't be that bad'. But it's pretty bad. There's nothing worse than being told by your boyfriend that you are no longer the girl that he first started dating, and he just wants his girlfriend back. Sigh.... but this IS ME! This is a part of who I am. I so badly wish it wasn't, but it is, and take it or leave it, but that emotional wreck that comes only two times a year is the same girl who was amazingly happy and positive for the first 3 1/2- 4 months of our relationship! I'm so glad he hasn't taken the fact that I push him away personally. I hope he doesn't give up on me when I need him there for me the most. It's really difficult to be needy and to want to be comforted, and I'm glad that he does it regardless. I am super lucky to have him as my boyfriend and am thankful that I have someone so supportive by my side.

There are two more weeks until Birthmothers Day and Mother's Day, so I know this won't be the first of this empty feeling. I am thankful for the love and support that I have from my close friends and from J. I am so glad that I have things such as work, and school, and C to occupy my time and get through another year marked off the calendar. A few more weeks of pushing myself to get through the days without crying because I am tired of being sad.