When I look back at my previous post, I realize how much my life has changed completely within a matter of a few weeks. I'm almost embarrassed at how needy I was feeling, just less than a month ago. I had so much anger and anxiety over things that were out of my control and I really had no way to tame my emotional outburts and sadness. I felt like a ticking time bomb who was so ugly on the inside. I felt like waiting for therapy to begin would only push me over the edge and I would lose everything I've worked so hard to have, especially my relationship.
I have been blessed to have a supportive, patient man in my life who tries his best to understand that I'd been going through a tough time. But no matter how patient he was, there was no excuse for him being my "emotional punching bag" as he called it. He was ready to walk away and I was devastated. I told him I wanted to change and that all I was waiting on was to be called by the counseling agency to start therapy, but I really wasn't sure of when that would happen. I felt desperate. I missed being happy.
I woke up one day and realized that I needed to start to change my life with feeling better about myself. I can't expect J, or anything or anyone else for that matter to make me happy if I wasn't happy with me. I could never expect love when I didn't love myself first. A big part of my unhappiness has been with my appearance.
The first thing I did was cut my past shoulder length hair to a bob. Yup, I chopped it all off. I decided one night while on the couch with J that I needed that kind of change and the next day, I was at the salon asking for a longer bob. Even the guy at the salon asked: "Are you SURE?" As I left those 6+ inches of old hair on the floor of the salon that day, I felt like it symbolized the "old me" that I no longer wanted to be.
The week after I cut my hair, I decided that I needed a lifestyle change. Through the past few weeks, I have started to change my eating habits, as well as have started working out nearly 5 days a week. I have become addicted to going to the gym after a long day at work. I have started to long the feeling of sweat dripping down my face and back, as well as that feeling of being out of breath after a good workout. I didn't realize how much of a HUGE change this would bring to my life and I almost feel like a completely different person.
All of a sudden, I have confidence. I am confident in ME, in everything I do: work, school, my relationship with J, my relationship with C, my relationship with my family, and even my relationship with people I couldn't tolerate previously. I feel so incredibly good about myself, I am positive and upbeat and have the amazing attitude I always wished I could have. I have no words to explain how much making a few changes in my life have impacted me. It's been a tremendous change.
One of the biggest changes in my life is that normally, at this time of year, I'm an emotional wreck. Mother's Day is always a sore subject and I am a BITCH. Yes, I admit it. But this year, I feel different. I don't really think it's about my acceptance of the adoption, but more so, my acceptance with myself. I've come to the realization that the person who holds the key to my happiness is ME. I am the only one who can determine how my day will go and what kind of mood I should be in. No one else should have that type of power over me. Granted, I still have my off days here and there, they are nothing compared to the mess I was before.
In addition to the sense of happiness I feel, I find that it is easier to tolerate people I could hardly even be in the same room as before. One person in particular who has irked me for the longest time (mainly because she reminded me so much of the person I used to be in my old life) has been so much easier to tolerate. In addition to tolerance, I realize that I want to share my happiness with others and find myself inviting others to joining me in the lifestyle change I've been making. I've even invited this particular person to the gym with me. For anyone who knows who I am talking about, that is a HUGE step.
My relationship with J has gotten a lot better. Besides an argument on Easter Sunday where I found myself to be more emotional than usual, we have been pretty happy, even enjoying an unusual weekend out with friends instead of our usual homework and responsibility laden Saturday and Sundays. I am so blessed to have someone who supports me and the changes I'm making in my life, and I am so glad that he is on board with making a change for himself too. We have started going to the gym together when we can, and he is also dieting as well. It's so much more motivating when you have someone who is pushing right along with you to make the best choices possible.
I am finally happy... and it feels damn good!
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