I'm extremely and genuinely happy. I have things working out for me in the best possible way. I am strong, smart, motivated and determined to succeed, whether or not I have people behind me along the way. I can't remember the last time I felt this good about myself, and I feel like I'm steps closer to being back to the girl I used to be when I first started J. It's been a journey and a half, but I finally feel like I'm not stuck in an emotional rut. I'm going places.
Despite my happiness, it has been a rough week. I found out one of my coworkers just found out she has cancer, stage 3. It's brought a depressing mood to work and it has really dampened my mood a bit too. It put me into thinking mode as this coworker is an adoptive mom to two twin seventh grade girls. I thought about how no child should ever have to see their mom go through that. In addition to that, I thought of how I feel as a birthmom, and how scared I would be if something ever happened to my daughter's mom. Afterall, she is who I chose to raise her and protect her (along with her daddy) for the rest of her life. I don't know, I guess that just affected my thought process more than a normal incident with a coworker would, mainly because our connection of her being an A-mom and be being a B-mom.
In addition to the emotions related to the coworker news, I've gone through a rollercoaster of emotions about FINALLY getting a car! Yes! FINALLY! No more riding the bus or depending on others to give me rides places. No more asking my parents to use their car or relying on them to do things for me and C. It's been a long journey until this point, but it has been well worth it. I am ready to put my big girl panties on and take on the responsibility of having a car payment in addition to my other bills. I don't think I could have done this without the support from J. He has pushed me to want to be the best woman I could be, and I'm grateful for his help of pushing me when I dont think I can push any more.
I was really bummed out when I called the Honda dealer and spoke to the salesman my mom dealt with a couple of weeks ago for her car. I gave him my information and he called me back to say that my credit wasn't good and I would need a cosigner. He said your mom's credit is great and she can cosign for you. Umm, yeah right... not in a million years. I took that news really hard and felt like my dreams of having a car would go down the drain. J said he would cosign for me, but I had mixed emotions of having to put him in that position.
Yesterday, J and I stopped at the Kia dealership. We browsed around and looked at the cars. We spoke with a really sweet sales guy and he let us test drive the Optima, which I fell in love with. It's a beautiful car, comparable with the Lexus and other high end cars. When we went back to the dealership to run numbers, we found out that I wasn't eligible to get the Optima with my credit but that I could get the Forte, which was really nice. We test drove the Forte, which I really liked a lot as well, and decided on that. The payments are fairly reasonable and within our price range. I was really happy that I was able to get a car I liked at a reasonable price. We have an appointment next week to take care of everything, and by this time next week, I should have a beautiful black Kia Forte sitting in my driveway.
My mom text me a few hours later and I told her where I had been for the past three hours or so. I told her I was going to get a Kia and she was like "umm, really?" She was the complete opposite of supportive, instead telling me that a plane ticket to my friend's wedding in August was more important than getting a car.... umm excuse me, but WTF?!
I came to a MAJOR realization. The last time I got a car, my family gave me the hardest time. I got told I thought I was better than everyone else because I got a car, when all actuality, I was working and going to school and doing the things I needed to do. I will never forget the day when my parents and my sister accused me of the absurdest things, and wondering where the F all of that came from. I haven't even gotten my car yet and I am already starting to see the pattern continue. I am getting no support from my own family. I have no one here telling me they are happy for me and I think I know why...
By me having to take the bus or rely on using their car to do things, they are able to control the type of things I do with MY son. They are the ones who have let me use the car when it was convenient to them and it was always on their terms. If I needed to go to the gym a mile away, I needed to put gas in their car. I had to wait for them. I was always grateful for being able to use their car, and it is something they seemed to hold over my head so that they could still maintain their control of what I did and where I went and with who, especially when it came to my relationship with C. I wish they would just be happy for me, and unfortunately I know they aren't, and that sucks. But it is what it is...
I'm glad that I'm in a clearer state of mind and I can see things i was unable to see clearly before. I'm in a better place to understand the reasons why things are the way they are between us, and I get it. It's sad, but I get it, and it is what it is. If being successful and achieving all the things I've worked so hard towards is a sign that I think I'm better than them, so be it. I'm better and that's a good thing...
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