The Wall

I'm upset. Not really sure at who, but I'm angry and I can't really sleep like this. My mind keeps going and I feel like it can't stop. I can't stop crying and I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown, yet I'm not sure why or how to stop it from happening.

Finding out the pregnancy wasn't real was pretty difficult for me, emotionally. I didn't realize how many feelings I had attached to the thought that I was expecting. In just a couple of short weeks, I went from being scared of being pregnant to accepting and anticipating a positive result. During that time, I went through the fear of going through what I went through in the past with my pregnancy and the life of C, as well as everything adoption related. I have been holding on to so many feelings, and I wish they could have all gone away along with the notion of me being pregnant the moment I got that negative test result. But unfortunately, none of it went away. My fears have stayed with me and have made me feel like I'm going crazy.

I have massive fears that J is going to leave me for someone prettier and thinner and smarter and funnier. I have fears that he may have someone on the side right now. I worry about what he may be doing when he's not with me and who he's talking to or texting. He's been different the past few days towards me, sort of distant and not as sweet as usual. Maybe it's all in my head, but I feel that way. My biggest fear is that he is maintaining that thing with that girl or even maybe someone else. I have trust and faith in him that he's smarter than that, but I fear that he has no need for me, especially now that I'm not pregnant and he doesn't have anything tying himself down to me.

I know in my heart that this is a messed up way to think. I know that I should believe him when he tells me he loves me with all of his heart and that he will never mess up again, but I'm so deathly afraid of getting hurt by him of all people. I'm so scared that he is going to realize that I'm not good enough for him and that I'm not the girl for him and that he's going to leave and never look back. I have opened up my heart and let down my guard in a way I have never imagine, putting myself in the most vulnerable position and I don't even know how to feel ok and safe. I keep wanting to rebuild that wall because it's the only way I know how to be and the only way I know how to keep from getting hurt.

I know I'm a smart girl who has a lot of things going for her. I know I'm a sweet girl who any guy would be lucky to have. But I know that I'm not pretty and I know I'm not spectacular and definitely not the kind of girl a guy would love to show off to his friends, and I worry that I will always be the girl who will never be good enough to be number one and only. I know these are my issues, and it's all based on the crap I've been through in my past. I know in my heart that J is different but I have to hope and pray that he feels the same about me. I hope he fears losing me as much as I fear losing him because I feel I deserve to be loved just as much, if not more.

I feel like I'm so needy right now. I know it has a lot to do with the fact that I had a difficult, emotional week and as long as it took me to accept that my life would change if I were pregnant, it's taking me even longer to accept that it isn't going to change at all because I'm not. But really, all I want and need is quality time with J. I just want to be in his arms while he hugs me and tells me everything is going to be ok. Granted, he made the effort to see me on Tuesday for a quick dinner for an hour and a half, and I saw him Thursday for a little bit, yesterday he spent the day with C and I and today both of our family's went to a hockey game, but I feel like I haven't had the opportunity to deal with the raw, heartbreaking emotions that I feel about the whole thing, and I feel like maybe he doesn't really even care. This is harder than I thought it would be, and I can't really pin-point why. All I know is that I need him and I won't be seeing him till the end of the week. Talk about a shitty way to spend my Spring Break :(

Maybe I depend on him too much. I've made him such a pivotal element of my life and centered all the things I do around him. He is, after all, my best friend. He's the one I have counted on to be there for me while I go through things in life over the course of the past year or so, and he's the only one I want to comfort me in a time like this. Knowing I don't have him to hold me, and kiss me, and play with my hair and whisper that he loves me all week kills me and it makes me so upset because I feel like I have lost all my power to this man. I've allowed him to control my feelings and emotions and all without him even realizing it. I wish I could be the type of girl who didn't care whether he has time for me, but the truth of the matter is that I never could be that type of girl, even if I wanted to be. That's what I get for putting others ahead of myself, a trait that I wish  could change about myself.

I'm sobbing as I type this because I don't even know what the hell has happened to me. I don't know what happened to my strength. I feel so weak and vulnerable. I feel so crazy right now for having the feelings and emotions that I feel. I spent most of the night at the hockey game upset when he confirmed we won't be seeing each other tomorrow. I was boiling on the inside. Maybe because he seemed so nonchalant about it, but regardless, I felt like I just wasn't on his list of priorities like he is on mine. Granted, I'm probably wrong, but thats the way it came across as.

I can't wait for therapy to start. I can't live like this. The emotions of everything in my life are killing me slowly. Finding out IB wasn't real. Issues with my "family". Realizing lately that I really have no real friends. Not being able to see J until Friday. Having too much free time on my hands to think about shit. Worrying about things I have no control over.... I'm driving myself fucking crazy. I just want to lock myself in my room and not come out for a week or two till I'm all cried out and I have nothing left in me. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to go back to normal, and I worry I won't now that Mother's Day is just around the corner. God help me... It's going to be a long month and a half to get through....