A Lot

So much has happened throughout the past couple of months. I almost don't even know where to begin. Life has definitely been an emotional roller coaster of ups and downs, but I've made it through in one piece and am on my way to making a positive life change that I hope will last for as long as possible. They say that sometimes, things need to get worse before they get better, and I am starting to truly believe that.

I have done a better job at getting over the things that irritated me in the past and started forgiving the people I wasn't even sure why I was mad at them for. I realized that the anger I had inside of me towards people only weighed me down and made me such an ugly person. I find it easier to tolerate people who I couldn't tolerate before, and I'm starting to learn how to brush things off that I usually held onto in the past. That has truly been such a huge step towards positive change in my life...

In addition to a slightly more positive change in my attitude towards people, I got a car... YES! a car! Finally! It was a long, harrowing journey to get that set of keys in my hands, but it happened and I feel so amazing to have been able to accomplish one of the goals on my list. It has allowed me the opportunity to go places (literally) and to accomplish new things in my life, and I feel like it has greatly improved my relationship with C, since I can take him to school everyday, and with J, because now the burden of seeing one another doesn't just lie in his lap. While my 2010 Chevy Aveo wasn't on my top lists of cars to have, its a car and it has taken me places, including a mini vacation to Palm Springs with my honey a couple of weeks ago.

Although I have lots of great news to share about positive changes in my life, it hasn't been easy this past month and a half or so. In fact, its been a fairly difficult time to get through, emotionally. No matter how busy I get or how much greatness preoccupies my life, I can never escape the pain that this time of year brings. Whether I look at the calendar or not, my heart knows that its Mother's Day season, and with every reminder of what gifts to get mom comes that reminder of what my heart is missing.

This time of year isn't easy. I find that its when I am the hardest on myself and when I feel the hole in my heart that has been left behind after I placed precious Hope in the hands of her parents nearly 7 years ago. As blessed as I am to have so many great things in my life, there's no off switch in my brain that could get me to stop thinking about the missing piece. She is my daughter, my little girl, and yet I don't have her here with me to enjoy the wonderful life I share with J and C and the people who I love. That's a choice I have to live with for the rest of my life and I have to learn how to accept it as a part of what makes me who I am rather than let it eat me up inside and push away the people who love me the most.

I have been called strong and unselfish. I have been told that what I did took courage and I am reminded from time to time that my life probably wouldn't be what it is now had I made the choice to parent my precious little girl. I realized that people are right. C wouldn't have the life he has and probably wouldn't have had the opportunity to be in private school. I don't know if I would be working where I work or even be dating J, because in all honesty, a girl with two kids has a much harder time dating than a girl with one. I can't think about the what ifs and the would've, could've, should'ves. I have to think about the now and the future. I have to stop beating myself up for the selfless choice I made and I have to think about and appreciate the things I do have, rather than focus on the pieces that I am missing.

My struggle to realize all of this has caused tremendous turmoil for my relationship. I've come to the realization, with the help of J, that I have been unhappy with myself. I keep punishing myself and keep making myself unhappy. I have the whole world in my hands and it's never enough for me, mainly because of the fact that I feel guilty for being happy. It's been a completely new discovery for me to accept the fact that I am the one making me unhappy and no one else. I am the one pushing everyone who loves and cares about me away because I don't feel worthy of love and care. I don't want to feel this way any longer. I want to be happy. I am so truly blessed and I want to acknowledge it with a smile everyday instead of be mad for the choices I made in the past.

I decided to actively search for a therapist, preferably one who specializes in adoptions. It is necessary for my growth and healing. I need to let go of this pain I carry, and while I am on a great path of realizing what it is I am feeling, I need the help to get through it. I can't rely on J to get me through the rough times, most especially because that in turn pushes him away. I don't want to get to the point where I push him away and regret losing him for the rest of my life. I have to fix me, and while I do that, I am grateful for the love and support I am provided with, day in and day out, from my love, from my son, and from the people who truly care about me.

I have had to remind myself daily that I am an amazing woman. I work, I go to school, I have a second job (I started working for an online magazine), I have a healthy, happy, and smart son and a wonderful, loving, amazing boyfriend. I may not have the best family, but I have a family nontheless. I also have an amazing second family, as J's parents have become very much like my own throughout the course of the past year and a half. I have so much to be grateful for and to love myself for. I am smart and intelligent. I am driven and determined, and regardless of how weak I may seem from time to time, I am strong and selfless. I gave both of my children a life I wouldn't have been able to give them had I kept them both. I have to keep reminding myself of that, even on the dark days, because life is just too amazing to let pass by with self-pity and angst...

Turning a new leaf in life to be a better me. Grateful for the people who haven't given up on me throughout this journey, especially J. I know that there are days I will possibly fall off the wagon to happiness, but I'm confident that I have the right people by my side to give me a boost back up when I need it the most. I'm looking forward to being a newer me, a much happier me, and I know that if I put as much work into my happiness and mental health as I do into everything else, I will be the truly phenomenal woman who I aspire to be. In the words of my handsome other half, "Don't talk about it, be about it" and that's what I intend on doing. :)